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Lady lovers, torn apart! And little Cassie Pan, flying back to Neverland! In this jam-packed episode, a sequin-flippered Miss J. has the girls practice their runway walks around a pool before they must compete in a challenge for designer Sue Wong that involves a turning runway platform and elaborate dresses. Bre is totally great and wins. Later, Kim and Sarah do some making out under the covers, despite Sarah's assurance to her boyfriend that she "doesn't swing that way." The girls embark on a hilarious photo shoot that involves a treadmill and a green screen and Kim reveals herself to be kind of a player. And then stupid Cassandra won't let Mr. Jay and the ANTM stylists cut another inch off her hair. She thinks her decision is based on principle, but really she is just a dumb-ass. Jay tells her to leave his set, and she leaves the house. This all gets less time and dramatic import than you might think, because the show hates Cassandra, and with good reason. At Panel, each girl gets a test on her "signature walk," and Kim makes a disclaimer that irks the judges. In the end, Kim and her lady lover are wrenched apart as Sarah is finally sent back to Boonville. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on ANTM: others laughed as Cassandra had her hair massacred and cried like a baby; Sarah found "relief" "from the competition" in her "friendship" with "Kim"; and Ebony was axed, thus also eliminating our only chance for amusing commentary. Eleven girls remain!
The girls eat out (and no, Kim lovers, that is not a euphemism) and discuss how tough and emotional panel was. The nearly-eliminated Diane says that being in the bottom two is just going to make her work harder. Then Tyra walks in to talk to the girls about the panel, and to let them know that it's been particularly hard for the judges because all the girls are modelesque. And there's no Janice to call someone ugly or fat straight out. Kim interviews that Tyra's visit was helpful and comforting. Jayla tells Tyra that her biggest problem is that she can't tell how her body looks. Tyra says that, with enough practice, you can step out of your body and see it, which probably indicates some weird cross-over with a The Tyra Banks Show episode on psychics. She tells them that, one day, modeling will be second nature to them, except, of course, for those who get cut in the six weeks.
Tyra Mail! "Get ready to swim with the sharks. Be ready at 12 PM." Finally, there will be bloodshed! Oh, how I have dreamed of this day. I would like to fashion earrings made of mackerel pieces for Lisa to wear on this special occasion. Sarah interviews that, after such a long, stressful day, the girls like to crash and regroup. And what better way to regroup than with some lady-lovin'? Sarah and Kim sit outside and talk about relationships. Kim interviews that she and Sarah once tipsily made out in a limo, which gives the editors an excuse to show us the footage again. Slurp, slurp, cantaloupe lips. Kim says that she's dealt with straight girls for years and knows them like the back of her hand or, alternately, the tip of her tongue. Kim says something to Sarah about her last three girlfriends having "attachment issues," of which Kim herself has none. I don't quite get what this means. Did they Velcro themselves to her flannel? Anyway, said girlfriends with their attachment issues freaked out when Kim allowed herself to become vulnerable. Sarah interviews that she didn't mean to gravitate toward Kim, but that, quite frankly, she would like to sup on a delicious bit of her pudding. Actually, she says that with so much tension in the house, it's easy to focus your energies on one person. Sarah tells Kim that she always feels tied down and thinks she hasn't met "the right person." Ho hum.
The morning, the girls get ready. A really tired and demonic-looking Cassandra interviews that Tyra said at the last elimination that they were going to cut her hair even more in the style of Mia Farrow. She says that she was angry at that point, and hates seeing her ugly face/hair every day. You think that's bad, honey, wait till someone holds up a mirror to your soul. Cassandra whines and complains to the others per usual, and says she has a one in eleven shot of being the Top Model. Nicole says that she shouldn't think about it in terms of her chances, but rather whether modeling is something she really wants to do. She says, "If this is what you really, really want to do...then I say CUT IT." (The way she says "CUT IT" indicates that she is sick of hearing about the hair.)
The girls go poolside in a ritzy area where they are soon to encounter giant sequined flippers walking toward them. On top of the flippers is one Miss J., replete in a sequined '50s swim outfit, sheer fuchsia cape, and sequined bathing cap. He looks kind of like Miss Piggy in her Esther Williams fantasy in The Great Muppet Caper. He tells the girls that while they may one day walk on grass, stone, or glass, today they will have to do their fiercest walk ever around the pool. Very, very exotic. Bre stomps it up, and J. loves it. Kyle needs to be comfortable with being tall. Nik needs to pick up the pace. Jayla is scattered. Diane is willing to learn. Miss J. yells, "Beauty pageant, beauty pageant, beauty pageant" as Cassandra walks, and I can kind of see why she's so annoyed by the constant pageant references. ["But seriously, beauty pageant. She walks like she's trying to balance a stack of books on her head." -- Wing Chun] Coryn needs to look alive. On Nicole's walk, Miss J. yells, "Shake it but don't break it 'cause the boys won't take it," and I have no idea what that means. He also calls Nicole's somethings collapsible. It sounds like he's saying Nicole's "holsters," but I don't know what that means either. Lisa is not focused (i.e. drunk), and is all over the place. Miss J. calls Sarah "Miss Tippy Tumbles," and she says she hopes to prove to everyone that she doesn't suck as much as she appears to. He tells her to give more neck when she walks and notes that her head looks like a turtle retreating to its shell whenever anyone talks to her. He does an impression that's right on. Miss J. says that Kim's walk will be special because she is special. Does he secretly think she's retarded or something? She says that she wants to put her own personality into it but also have a feminine flair, which is difficult. She looks pretty awkward, and J. says that she looks like a marionette without the strings. He interviews that she has an incredible face and should be able to do really well, but unfortunately, they don't have five years.
Miss J. then points the girls to a basket full of outlandish hats and has them each choose one, along with a sheer skirt. He interviews that personality is very important for a runway model, because one has to work with so many different designers and concepts. He tells the girls that he wants them each to dance around, and interviews that they all need to be more over-the-top. The results are uniformly hilarious. Upon Kim's dance, which is a bit like that of Elaine Benes, Miss J. says he has no words. Kim interviews that if anyone should understand a difference of gender expression, it should be Miss J. She adds an "I mean, are you kidding?" that would get her a 20% warn in the forums if she didn't look so smoking-hot in her interview outfit. Lisa looks like a dehydrated crack whore. Cassandra is prissy and makes Miss J. clutch his pearls. Sarah flails around and yells, "Wooo!" prompting Miss J. to say that she is a big ball of confusion. He imitates her kind of awesomely. She interviews that she realized after she did her dance how dumb it looked, and hopes never to see it again. This is the point where a little disembodied head of an editor should pop up in the bottom corner with a speech balloon that says, "Ha." Miss J. says that Kim and Sarah were the two worst walkers, which means they have to work extra-hard. He adds that the lesson does not stop there.
Tyra Mail! Coryn reads, "You've discovered who's fierce and who falls flat on the catwalk. Tomorrow the tables turn. Be ready at 9:15 AM." I am too distracted trying to determine if she has an Adam's apple to interpret this. Some of the girls practice walking. Cassandra mentions pageants again. Sarah asks Bre to help her. She says that she didn't used to be such a bad walker, but now is thinking about it too much. She says she needs to get it right in her head right now, and speaks in such a sad tone that you know she's not only confused about her walk. Kim asks the others if anyone has ever been kicked off for being a bad walker and they say yes. She interviews that she's used to being one of the best at everything she does, so this is really hard for her. Oh, Kim. Say goodbye to twenty-one and hello to the recognition that you're not really that special. She throws her hands up and says she's had enough. Bre cryptically interviews, "Modeling isn't something that Kim knows well. So you stick to what you know. You know girls, you know you like 'em, you know you're good at getting them." Okay, I guess that's really not that cryptic, especially given the shot of Kim showing off her strong arms to Sarah. ["Is getting girls something you can do as a full-time job? Interesting." -- Wing Chun] Bre says that Kim might want to practice her walk, because you can't study on the day of the test. The other girls look on at Kim trying to teach Sarah how to do a push-up. Oh, lesbian seduction. It's a wonder it's not the subject of more Harlequin romance novels. Commercials.
The morning, Diane hopes that whatever is will be exciting. Cut to the girls making breakfast and Kim saying, as she cracks an egg near Sarah's ass (and that, too, is no euphemism), that she always cleans everything she does in the kitchen, especially when she has sex there. Sarah guffaws, because she knows exactly what Kim's cleaning. Nik neutrally interviews that Sarah and Kim hang out together and are very close to each other. Kim says to the others, "This is quality material that you see right here in front of you," and it is unclear whether she means Sarah's ass or the eggs, but I'm guessing by Sarah's ever-so-charmed laugh that she at least thinks it's her ass. Kim says that straight girls tend to get crushes on her, though she can't pick up a gay girl to save her life. Oh, Kim. Potesy is here for you. She then says to Sarah, "Poor Sarah. Hearts are made to be broken, sister," and it's all out of context. Sarah interviews that it's hard to tell where Kim is at because she's such a kidder. Meanwhile, Sarah eats eggs off of Kim's lap. She then says that she guesses she's attracted to Kim "in a way," and that it's really weird for her to feel this way about a girl. I wonder what pains Sarah went to to convince her parents that all of the Top Model Season 5 tapes were lost at sea.
Cut to the phone room, where Cassandra's mom says to her, "This isn't really a principle, this is vanity, and it is beautiful hair, but it does grow back. My point is that if it's this short already, an extra month or two isn't going to make that much difference." HA! Obviously, Cassandra was like, "I won't cut my hair on principle!" Her mom sounds totally reasonable, so I wonder how Cassie came to be such a bad egg. She brattily brats and picks at the wall. Her mom continues, "The question is, do you love your hair more than you love this opportunity?" And if you are a savvy viewer, I think you probably already know the answer to this.
The girls go to a club of sorts and meet Sue Wong, who professes herself to be a designer of very dramatic and glamorous evening wear. We see some of her stuff, and it is costumey but kind of awesome. She says that the girls will be tested on their ability to walk in a runway presentation. A circular moving platform is at the very front of the runway. Lisa interviews that the whole setup made the challenge very difficult. Sue says that the winner of the challenge will "have the privilege of borrowing this really gorgeous gown," which Tyra wore to Oprah's legends ball. The dress is horrible, with a ton of white feathers on the bottom that make it look like the bodice is molting. Tyra didn't look good in it either, and I bet she left pit stains on it, and perhaps some rib sauce.
The girls go into hair and makeup. There are Cover Girl products aplenty. Kim interviews that she is nervous about walking and could have done without another day of runway. Sarah is nervous too but says that her new plan is to walk very slowly so as not to fall. She is wearing that ugly wifebeater that all the girls have with their names airbrushed on with pink lines and stars. Fashion!
Coryn walks first. When she gets to the end of the runway, Sue Wong says to her, "You are Sheherazade and you are in Northern Africa." Say what? She then interviews that Coryn is not very conscious of her environment, which you must admit would be hard if you are spinning yarns each night to save yourself from being beheaded. Nicole is supposed to be an exotic Mongolian princess. She stumbles a bit and can't stop laughing. Sue tells Lisa to be a beautiful Indian princess, which Lisa eats right up. But really she had to add "beautiful" as an adjective in this fantasy role-playing for a reason. Lisa interviews that her runway walk is sexy, confident, and playful all at the same time. Sue tells Kim to be more graceful and elegant. Kim says she wishes the clothes hadn't been so feminine, but that she does want to model so will continue to try to work. Did she think they were going to have her model Dickies? Put on the dress and enjoy it. Sue says that Kim lacks confidence, which will hurt her on the runway. Kyle is a little rough getting onto the moving platform. Diane is looking too Egyptian. Jayla has a limp wrist. Nik is supposed to be "on the steppes of Central Asia someplace." Then Bre comes marching in. She interviews that she was feeling the atmosphere and was Dorothy Dandridge, and no one could tell her differently. This confidence works well as Sue tells her to be bold and dramatic and beautiful. Sue says that Bre shows a lot of promise, and that her attitude can take her far. Cassandra interviews that she could care less that they were doing a runway show. Sue says that she's too stiff and contrived, which is a spot-on assessment. Sarah gets a big heavy wedding gown and headdress, which does wonders for her walk. She stumbles, she flails around, she looks generally awful. Sue says that Sarah is awkward and needs to work on her gracefulness. And I kind of think that grace is something that can't be learned, especially when you have the shoulders of Lou Ferrigno.
Sue congratulates the girls on some wonderful performances, and announces that Bre is the winner. Richly deserved, my friend. Bre interviews that it was long overdue that she won something. ["Yes, she had to wait all the way up to Episode 4. She's not exactly Penelope." -- Wing Chun] Sue tells her that she gets to wear the feathery gown for a very fancy dinner and also pick four friends to share it with her. She chooses Coryn, Kim, Nik, and Jayla. The rest of the girls get an unsympathetic "sorry" from Sue. Bre interviews that she looked absolutely beautiful in the dress. She has a way with words, that one. She also feels special because Tyra wore the dress. The girls anticipate their dinner and have a great time in the limo. When they get to the restaurant, they discover that their dinner is caviar. Nik interviews that the girls were all hungry and didn't want caviar. There is the most mannish close-up of Coryn yet. The girls eat the caviar while looking displeased. Bre interviews, in the quote of the episode, "I want to be respectful...but I want to throw up."
Back at the pad, there is Tyra Mail! Kim escorts Bre in and holds her hand. "Don't be afraid, but be very aware. Just because it's not seen doesn't mean it's not there. Be ready at 7 AM." It's like A Child's Garden of She-nis Verse, that Tyra Mail. Some of the girls say goodnight, while others engage in lesbian shenanigans. Kim and Sarah jump in the pool and start giggling. Kim interviews that she's in an open relationship, so she's allowed to "make out or whatever." See, it's the "whatever" that I'd have a problem with, which is why I do not have an open relationship. Bre, who is sitting outside with Jayla, says that she told Kim she's spending too much time with Sarah, and that her girlfriend's going to knock her out. I kind of love Bre. Kim and Sarah play with a phallic pool noodle, and I am not kidding about that. Sarah interviews, "I am young and, I guess, um...curious. I guess I'm a sexual person." I would love to see the kind of leading questions they asked to get that confession. Kim says that she doesn't want anything to interfere with the competition, but she has a weakness for blondes. Hey, that means Cassandra's fair game now, too. A night-vision camera shows the two of them getting in bed together, and then, on the bottom right of our screen there is apparently some nastiness going on under the covers. You can't tell what, though, because they cropped it so elusively. Porn music is playing, so I assume it's something good, even though everyone's head is above the sheets.
The morning after. Kim and Sarah lounge in bed, and Sarah plays with Kim's hair. Sarah interviews that she doesn't know if they are just friends or if this is the start of something more. Nicole then has the second-best quote of the episode: "I'm not into staying up until all hours of the night having lesbian love affairs." HA! The time someone calls me after 10 and asks what I'm doing I'm totally going to say, "Oh, I'm just having lesbian love affairs." Kim tells Bre that it was just "a stupid makeout." Bre holds up two fingers and I think she's giving the universal sign for vagina, but apparently she's just saying that Kim and Sarah made out twice. Kim says that the first time didn't really count, and Bre looks taken aback, I think because she really did mean "V" for vagina. Kim interviews that she and Sarah were just having fun, and that making out with each other is what girls do. Well, she has a point, albeit not one that will be of much comfort to parents and Republicans all over the nation. Bre doubtfully asks Kim if Sarah's going to come fly out and visit her every weekend, and then says, "You'd better stick to reality, sweetheart."
Meanwhile, Sarah is on the phone with her BOYFRIEND. Ooh, this adds an interesting angle, doesn't it? She tells him that she and Kim are "flirty," and that the only thing that makes it weird is that Kim is gay. I would contend that that's the only thing that makes it not weird, but whatever. Boyfriend says, "Oh! I'll just say goodbye now," which I think is kind of a departure from what the average eighteen-year-old straight guy would say. Sarah gives a bunch of "no, no, no"s and says, "I don't swing that way and you know it." I want a bolt of lightning to come from the sky and zap her. Sarah's boyfriend says that she might swing that way. Might and did, sweetie. Sarah tearfully interviews, "I feel very confused right now, I guess, and I have the memory of me but it's so tangled right now. I don't know where I am or where I stand." So you like girls. Live it, learn it, love it, Boonville. ["More like Poonville." -- Wing Chun] She hangs up the phone and has a look of liar's remorse as we fade to commercials.
Meanwhile, in another installment of My Life as a Cover Girl, Naima finally wins the golden ticket hidden in a tube of Wetslicks and gets to tour the Cover Girl factory in Baltimore. You can't make this shit up.
The girls arrive to their photo shoot and meet Mr. Jay, who is walking on a treadmill in front of a green screen. He says that their shoot will be full of Hollywood-style special effects, and that they'll be running on the treadmill as if there is something terrifying behind them, like the avian flu or the giant blown-up face of Lisa. They are not going to know what the terrifying thing will be -- it will be put in as a post effect. Mike Rosenthal is the photographer. The girls are all going to be styled as fashion victims, each with something a little wrong about her. This shoot is kind of busy conceptually, but at least they won't be wearing clown makeup.
Jay pulls aside Cassandra and Jayla for a special talking-to while the others go to hair and makeup. He tells Jayla that they're going to take out her extensions, because they're not working for her. Jayla interviews that you may not like it at first but that you have to get into it and try to see the good in it, and really, she could be talking about her own foray into same-sex loving or anything else. Jay tells Cassandra that Tyra wants to cut her hair even shorter in true Mia Farrow style. She replies that she's not comfortable cutting it again when she hasn't even had the chance to work it yet. Jay says that if she told that to a client, they would cut her loose. The other girls look on. Jay says that they can't do the shoot if she doesn't have the hair they want, and tells her to have some breakfast and think about it and that he'll get back to her in a few.
It's going to take a long time for Jayla to get her extensions out, and it also looks kind of painful. Bre tells Cassandra that if she wants to stay, she'd still have respect for Cassandra for going up to Jay and telling him how she felt. Cassandra says that she wants to stay and take pictures and show off her hair now that she has the confidence to work it. Bre then turns to her and says plainly, "God gives us our first instincts. Don't go against it." That was perhaps the most diabolical thing anyone has ever done on this show. I LOVE it.
Nik goes first. She says that the shoot is complicated because they have to act scared, be beautiful, and run in five-inch heels all at the same time. ["By the way, when Jay yelled out the direction that the girls should look 'pretty and scared,' my sister and I kept trying our own pretty and scared looks on each other. We could totally go on this show, if we weren't both four foot three." -- Wing Chun] Jay says that Nik kept changing it up with her face and body and was very believable on film. Lisa had amazing body language but a less than amazing face. On a side note, we haven't heard much from Lisa in this episode, which might be why everyone's seemed so articulate.
Kim sits with some of the other girls and explains that the lustin' between her and Sarah "just happened" after such a stressful night. Uh-huh. She says she woke up feeling like she was the worst girlfriend in the world. I kiiind of don't believe that Kim feels that guilty. She interviews that she has a girlfriend whom she cares about very much and wants to be with when she gets back home, and doesn't see anyone else in that light. Coryn asks if Kim feels anything, and Kim says, "For Sarah? No. Not really. This is just like fun. It's not like...it doesn't mean anything to me." Meanwhile, Sarah is in the same room. This is dodgy behavior to be sure. Kim interviews that the Sarah thing wasn't a big deal and that she hopes Sarah doesn't get the wrong idea. Kim is a total player. She then notices that Sarah is standing right behind her and gives one of those "Oh God, there's old cataloupe lips riding my jock again so we'd better stop talking about her" looks and ignores Sarah as she walks by. This reminds me of every hookup at my college.
Meanwhile, Diane is on the treadmill and just isn't getting it. Coryn runs along in a velour track suit and cowboy hat. Jay says that her stoic nature helped her in this shoot because she didn't overact. Sarah, perhaps flooded with memories from her night of Sapphic passion, kind of sucks. Jay tells her to look believably scared, and then says, "Pretend like you're Cassandra with a new haircut. You're running from the scissors!" And he is winning me over a tiny bit, as evidenced by the fact that I haven't made one remark yet about his orangeness. He confirms our suspicion that Sarah stank. Jay says that Bre surprised him by pulling it together when he thought she was going to fall flat. As she leaves the set, she says, "My weave is sweatin', I gotta go." Kim interviews that she has to rock the photo shoot or risk elimination. She's wearing a brown leather suit with those infernal knee-length shorts. Jay says that Kim just jogged on the platform and that's about it. He adds that she never brings the life that she has when she's sitting around and goofing with the girls on the set. She says that this competition has been tougher than she expected. Jay thinks that Nicole is afraid of being the model that she wants to be. I don't know what that means. Jayla is finally ready and loves her new haircut, which is a bit shorter than what she came in with originally. She does a great job on the shoot and impresses Jay. Kyle looks kind of crazy. Jay says that she just jogged and grabbed her hair, which seems true.
Meanwhile, stylist Rob Talty talks to Cassandra and says that he's not going to screw her up. She interviews that the issue wasn't just cutting an inch and a half of hair, but rather the last straw in the show's effort to try to completely change her. Well, the original her sucked, and she needs to deal with that. Jay asks if she's ready to cut her hair, and she says she's not going to cut it. Jay looks mad and says, "You know, I really don't have time for this today, so...you've just got to leave my set." Jay interviews that Cassandra was aware that refusing the haircut meant that she would go home. Really, it is a dumb-ass move on her part. She interviews that she has to be herself and wants to know that she did what she thought was right. I mean, the damage is already done. One more inch isn't going to do anything, so there's no point in getting self-righteous. Though I will acknowledge that they're totally doing all this just to fuck with the pretty pageant princess. Jay calls Tyra to tell her the news while Cassandra rides solo back to the house. She packs her stuff and puts on a bright pink tracksuit to demonstrate that she's going back to her old ways. She Stepford interviews, "I am going home. I'm going to go back to Texas and I'm going to get some hair extensions and hopefully you will see me as a future Miss U.S.A." A big white van takes her away and I say good riddance. Commercials.
When we return, the girls head back to the house in their limo. Bre says she feels bad for Cassandra, which I find kind of strange given that she basically advised her to quit. She interviews that Cassandra came into this competition knowing that they might cut her hair, and chose to say no. Bre says that there's no turning back now. Lisa says that Cassandra acknowledged to her that she thought they were going to cut her hair off, and said that she would deal with it. She interviews that they have a real competition now that Cassandra is gone, because the person who didn't really want it is out. She looks crazy when she says all this, per usual.
Tyra Mail! Someone is going to be eliminated, reads Kim in her cute ringer tee. Lisa says that knowing that there is still going to be an elimination even after Cassandra left voluntarily means that tensions are at a high. Kim tells Kyle that her walk is the worst there, and that the judges have no reason to keep her. Kyle tells her that a walk is something she can work on. Kim interviews that she thinks, with a few more weeks, she could excel, but that she really needs the weeks. This is perhaps what we call the genesis of a bad idea. Jayla, who always appears to be outside smoking, says that she empathizes with Cassandra because she's had moments when the competition got to her and it felt too much, but she really wants it and thus is still there. Sarah says that she honestly doesn't know who's going home at elimination but hopes it isn't herself or Kim. She and Kim lie in bed together and it looks like Sarah wants to do some under-the-covers cuddlin'. Kim appears to keep a distance. Sarah says that sometimes girls who think they're terrible have actually done a phenomenal job, so you never know. Just like sometimes girls who think they don't swing that way drop trou for the first Sapphic sister they meet.
We are introduced to panel by a horrible picture of Tyra bedecked in a series of fashion don'ts. Given her close affiliation with Victoria's Secret, I think almost any picture of Tyra generally could fall under the heading of "fashion don'ts." Tyra reviews the prizes and re-introduces the judges. Sue Wong is the week's guest judge, and yells at Tyra to pose like an Anglican fishmonger. Tyra talks to the girls about Cassandra's decision to not cut her hair, which was also a decision to leave the show. She says that models need to adapt to a variety of situations. Cassandra was more interested in her hair than she was in adapting and learning. Tyra advises the rest of the girls to think long and hard and either commit to trying to become a top model or step forward and leave right then and there. Tyra asks if anyone wants to go home, and notes that Lisa appears to be thinking. Lisa says she's not going anywhere, despite the wishes of the rest of the free world. And for a moment, I wish that Cassandra had stuck around just so that Tyra could publicly bitch-slap her in front of the panel. Anyway, no one else leaves.
Tyra says that she's excited about the upcoming challenge and asks how many of the girls are familiar with Cycle 2 Camille. She asks what Camille said, and Bre answers that Camille said she had a signature walk that was going to make her famous. We see footage of Camille and oh, how I miss the first two seasons. Tyra says that, today, the girls will be tested on a signature walk that they now get five minutes to develop. How can it be a signature walk if you just make it up on the spot? Top Model's signature feature is idiocy.
The girls walk in a procession, to all sorts of crazy looks from the judges. A little extra oomph introduces Bre. Tyra says, "Work it out" and Nigel lustily says, "Come on." She clomps and clomps to approving looks. Sarah is predictably terrible, causing Nigel to actually put his head in his hands and laugh. Then comes Kim. Before walking, she points to Miss J. and says, "I just want to say before I walk that I know I didn't make you proud the other day, but I want to show you that I'm going to keep improving, I'm going to keep practicing, and it's gonna get better." And if you are wondering whether this was a good idea, be instructed by Miss J.'s reply to her, "Okay, I hope so, 'cause you on my list girl to be [scissors motion with fingers]." Her walk is kind of stiff and weird. After she leaves, Tyra asks the other judges what was up with the disclaimer. Nigel says the subtext was, "Excuse me, I'm about to do really badly. Don't judge me." The panel is not pleased.
The girls return for their evaluations. Tyra commends Jayla for being a trouper and getting her hair cut and not being Cassandra. Twiggy agrees that the hair looks gorgeous. The judges agree that Jayla has a long way to go on her walk. Tyra tells the girls that, in their photos, they were actually running away from the "fashion police witch," and she shows Jayla's photo, which has a green-faced and black-outfitted Miss J. looming behind her. It's kind of creepy, actually. The judges all love Jayla's photo, in which she looks scared but still pretty. And indeed, it is a good photo.
Coryn is , and Sue thinks her walk was too stiff and stoic. Nigel says that it wasn't a signature walk. I think that Miss J. says that Coryn's signature is the "health" that she has, and that she needs to stick with her smile. Coryn then busts out into a pretty smile that makes the judges light up. They like her close-up photo but agree that the full-body shot, in which she is wearing a very out J. Lo velour track suit, leaves something to be desired.
Tyra tells Diane that she should walk as if there is wind blowing in her hair, and that she needs to "create her own wind." Oh, Diane creates her own wind, all right -- after a delicious dinner with Bobo at The Chili Palace. (Did I just make a fart joke? Gross.) Twiggy says that Diane looks completely stunted in the shot, and not at all like she's running. Some forum posters noted that Diane looks totally skinny-fied in the shot, and it's true. Her legs are about ½ the size. Tyra asks for a close-up of the fashion witch, and Sue Wong says he looks like the Purple People Eater. His face is a different color in every shot. Nigel jokes that he needs to diversify his look. And, poor Diane. You know you're boring the judges when they start to joke about one another.
Kim is , and Tyra asks what was up with the disclaimer. Kim says she knows that her walk is her biggest obstacle and just isn't there yet. Tyra says that Kim missed the mark, and that though she's learned how to do all the feminine stuff, today Tyra was asking for KIM, i.e., manly Stanley. Kim then says, "I'm constantly trying to figure out what my gender is. That's hard in life, in this competition, every day, all the time." I didn't actually think that Kim was borderline transgendered. And if this is the case, I wonder why she isn't closer with Coryn. Anyway, at this admission, Tyra helpfully and sensitively tells Kim to look at some men's fashion magazines, because male models tend to be somewhat feminized when they pose. The judges love Kim's photo, although I think she looks exactly like Peter Billingsley in A Christmas Story. Seriously, it is not good. I think they just don't want to cut her so they can film her bedding the rest of the girls. (And I just said "bedding" as if I were in a Jackie Collins novel. What is happening to me?)
Kyle is , and Twiggy thinks she's got the best walk and an amazing pair of legs. Miss J. agrees, and says that the wind was in her hair. Kyle's photo is weird and kind of jowly.
Lisa's walk was good and safe, which is good to have as a base, but Tyra tells her she needs to make it stronger and sexier. Lisa has no neck in her photo. She notes that she was also wearing a turtleneck, but Tyra says that Lisa, and not the turtleneck, is the problem. Lisa seems to take it in stride.
Nicole gets admonished for pulling her skirt up during her walk. She wants to apologize for that, but Tyra tells her never to "show your oops." And I had long been wondering if the plural of "oops" was "oopses" or "oops." Thank you Tyra Banks, grammatician! Nicole's picture is weak. Tyra says that Jay said that the camera loves Nicole, but that Nicole doesn't love the camera. Nicole says that she thinks she loves the camera.
Nik did the bobble-headed neck thing again, which Tyra and Miss J. don't like. Tyra once again emphasizes the wind-in-the-hair thing. Nik's picture is good, but Tyra says she'd like to see a little more intensity in the face.
The judges, with the exception of Twiggy, love Bre's walk. Sue Wong says that she would hire Bre. The judges think that Bre looks like she's standing still in her photo, and Miss J. even says she looks like she's at the bus stop yelling, "Hey, girl! You talkin' to me?" Everyone loves to call Bre ghetto. But the walk still gets her lots of goodwill. ["I think Bre's walk is ridiculous. Ew, Twiggy and I have something in common." -- Wing Chun]
Sarah is . Nigel says that she's improved a bit, in that she didn't fall, but Twiggy notes that one of her legs moves weirdly, and Miss J. helpfully says, "My Left Foot." Sarah also looks really uncomfortable in her photo and has no poise. It is time for the judges' deliberation!
But first we learn that Nik is the Cover Girl of the Week. Yay, Nik!
The judges talk. Coryn is timid and sad, which comes across on the pictures. The other thing that comes across on her pictures is testosterone. Sue Wong loves Bre. Nigel loves her personality, but not her pictures. Miss J. loves Kyle's body, but says there's no "wow." Twiggy says that she saw something in Kyle today, and that Kyle's still in as far as Twiggy is concerned. Sue Wong says that Sarah is a mess. Tyra notes that she's progressed, but Miss J. says that she looks like she's going to get hit by a taxi. Sue thinks that Lisa is too contrived. Miss J. thinks that she's beautiful to look at, but that there's some "point missing" that he can't put his finger on. It's the crazy, fugly point. Twiggy thinks that Nicole is really sexy, but Sue thinks she lacks in personality. Nigel says that her photo is average at best. The judges love Jayla's haircut and her picture. Miss J. notes that she has ginormous ears, and Twiggy defends big ears because she's got a pair herself. Diane is hopeless, according to Nigel, but Miss J. thinks she's sexy and that she's in. Sue says that Kim's androgyny makes her interesting. Twiggy also loves Kim but says that the speech threw her. Miss J. says that she walked like she'd had an overdose of Viagra. Miss J. says that Nik looks like the really pretty light-skinned girl from Building C in the Projects, which I think is his way of saying that she's average. Nigel says that if that's the case, he needs to go to the Projects more often.
Time for elimination! Tyra has only nine photos in her hand. The first name she calls is Jayla, who gets mad props all around for being called first. is Kyle, who changed the minds of unimpressed judges with her walk. Nik is called , then Bre (who has an average picture but a great walk). Lisa is , then Diane, Coryn, and Nicole. Kim and Sarah are left. Oh no! Two lovers torn apart by the cruel, cruel UPN! Sarah starts crying instantly because no matter what happens, she's heading back to the Boonville High Hetero Club. Tyra says that Sarah wants to be a model so much, but falls apart when she is asked to perform. Kim, on the other hand, really wants it but is still confused about who (s)he is, and goes so far as to make an irksome disclaimer, which only points to her negative qualities. Tyra tells Kim not to do that again, and hands her a photo. Sarah flips around and totally holds Kim in a lovers' embrace, even rubbing her hair. Sarah then goes and has the same kind of embrace with Coryn only, so who knows what's going on there.
Back at the house, an ungainly fashion victim Sarah says that even though she didn't win, she "learned things" about herself, so it was worth it. She says that Kim taught her a lot of things, like the fact that it really is a Rubyfruit Jungle out there, and that she's stronger than she thought it was. She says, "I wish I could learn more," and I am so intrigued by the fact that she is still riding Kim's jock. Back to Boonville for Sarah, and who knows what from there. But wow, does she have a lot of explaining to do to that boyfriend.
on ANTM: no more lesbian love affairs. Er, but there is an impromptu topless photo shoot. All righty, then. Also, Lisa tells Coryn to stop working out, and Coryn gives her a beating with the she-nis.
And I must tell all you bitches that I have just turned thirty and so am treating myself to a proper vacation. Woohoo! So week, Jeff will be taking over my recapping duties as I saunter around Ireland. Be nice to him, and know that if a she-nis of any kind is revealed while I'm away I'm going to die.