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This week is about flaws. And how to mask them. The girls are required to tell what their own flaws are and how they would mask them. As well, they must tell what the flaws in the other girls are. Nice. Then, Jay gives them five-second solutions to the physical afflictions that have been trailing their bony asses all their lives. They use his advice in a challenge where they are required to instruct the photographer as to how they should be shot -- one shot flaunting the flaw, the other masking it. Kyle wins, ably masking her miniscule neck. For her reward, she takes Kim and Coryn to a spa, where they bitch about Lisa being drunk and critical. For the photo shoot, the set is made to look like a plastic surgeon's office and Janice Dickinson is the patient! Sorry -- she's the photographer. At Panel, Diane and Bre are in the bottom two, mostly because they seem massively depressed. Diane is the eventual loser, set free to ponder her recently revealed flaws, while Tyra gnashes her teeth about websites whose sole function is to write nasty things about her. Well, she's not alone. Nobody likes the army girl from The Real World either. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Okay, folks: Potes is on a much-deserved birthday excursion this week and I will be taking the reins of this week's recap.
Previously on ANTM: Cassandra decided to leave the show rather than cut her hair again, announcing that she would go back to pageants (with that cut, she should sing a song from Oliver! as her talent). Sarah's crush on Kim was what prevented her from keeping her balance while wearing a Mata Hari get-up and standing on a revolving turntable. Sarah was eliminated. Only nine hos to go!
Kim reflects on being in the bottom two with Sarah. She's really glad that she didn't leave, but wonders "sometimes" if maybe Sarah deserved to stay more than she did.
Diane produces a camera and says that the girls should take a picture. Everyone is very excited by this idea. After a few cute sorority-girl party pics (question: why is it that women, in numbers greater than one, think that it is necessary to lean into photos? Kyle, there's room for you in the frame. Chill out and stand up straight), Jayla has a great idea. So, great, in fact, that her statement is subtitled for us, though she is standing on a table above the other girls and 100% intelligible: "Let's take some topless ones." First of all: girls, you are all going to hear those words again. Also, you know Jayla was just working her way up to the Full Monty so she could get a peek at Coryn's she-nis. Well, they all have their tops off faster than Lisa can down a fifth of Grey Goose. (Would someone please tell Lisa that trucker caps went out with Katharine Hepburn? Like, they died then. Don't wear one.) In her interview, Diane laughs that "these girls are crazy." Nicole, Lisa, Bre, and Jayla are standing on a bench with their boobs in their hands as Diane sort of arranges where they are standing. Jayla must have tiny hands, because every time you see her holding her chest, it's still blurred. Maybe she's holding everything but the nipple. Diane says, "Oh, damn, this is getting serious." I don't really know why. No one was serious. I'm assuming it's because the girls posed in such a way that a boob would be hidden by another girl's arm, creating breast-to-other-girl contact. Diane apparently don't play that. It's well-documented, though, that Kim absolutely does. Where the hell is she? Re-watching Bound? Lisa reveals that she likes to have a good time and that they were being crazy. Nicole formulates a theory about why Diane was taking the photos: Diane didn't want to be in the photos. week, Nicole cures the avian flu. The last set-up of this impromptu photo romp is on the stairs, where all girls finally make an appearance, though Kim, Kyle, and Nik have their tops on. Diane tells them that she wants to see sexy. We all want to see sexy, Diane. As she's taking the pictures, she voice-overs that she is different from the other girls, what with her curves and all, yet she is competing with the skinny girls. Right, so take off your damn top and pose, woman! For real though, I can't think of a competition with these girls that you could more handily win. Unless maybe it was firefighting. I have a feeling Diane could be a really bad-ass firefighter. Diane takes the final shot and shows the girls the results (the camera is digital), saying, "Kim, you look like a pimp." Bre is super-comfortable with being topless.
, Lisa asks if we want to see her "secret bag." She's scaring me. She totally looks like Amanda Peet if she were playing Aileen Wuornos. Lisa shows Nicole the contents of the "bag." It's what you'd expect: liquor and cigarettes. Nicole asks if she can have a swig of vodka, and Lisa says, "No. I actually don't want to share it with anyone." Then, we're on the deck, where Lisa is telling Diane to stand in the mirror and make faces she is not used to making. Then, in an interview she conducts while wearing Jody Watley's old earrings, Lisa explains that she "tries to help the girls" because she wants the competition to be good. That's a very game attitude and I'm sure the producers love her for it, but I don't believe her. Only the villains in Ashley Judd movies do that thing where they respect their prey and that nonsense. Lisa's just trying to justify all her drunken blathering. (And, no, people, I never wanted to have to reference Jody Watley. For anything.) , Coryn is summoned to the throne of Lisa. Diane tells Coryn that "LisaMom" wants to talk to her. That makes me feel a little queasy. Kim is looking on, bored. Coryn appears while someone is brushing her hair from behind. She will only stick her head out of the door to see what Lisa wants. I guess she did this because she doesn't want to look like she's following Lisa's orders, but her odd positioning makes for a really unflattering shot. Having her hair frizzed to hell and backlit makes her look kind of evil. Lisa proceeds to tell Coryn that she needs to stop working out or she's only going to be a "sports girl." She's unnecessarily bossy and Coryn is really defensive. Kim starts drooling, she's so bored. Coryn says, "Why would I listen to somebody I'm competing against? That's just stupid." Good point, Coryn. However, you look like Skeletor. You gotta listen to somebody sometime. In an interview, Coryn repeats Lisa's criticism and says, "Whatever, I was working out last night."
Tyra Mail! Nik opens it: "Pluses and minuses -- Who says models can't do math? Be ready at 12:00 PM." Then, the girls discuss whether they are good at math or not. Do they...really think they're going to be doing math?
The day, the girls are driven in that white Humvee limo thing to Smashbox. Lisa blows a weird kiss to the freaked-out limo driver as they are walking in. Jay Manuel tells them that Smashbox is the home of L.A. Fashion Week. The girls are not impressed. He continues to explain how important Twiggy was to the fashion industry, since her thin figure was very different from those of the working models of her time. I know you can gauge culture with fashion and that's fairly important to anthropological studies, but Jesus, Jay! Twiggy is not Charlemagne. She's a footnote to a chapter of pop culture, not a pillar of Western civilization. He's acting like she invented breathing or something. Diane says, "Yeah, I know who Twiggy was. She was the supermodel who changed the whole skinny industry [sic]." Then, she arches an eyebrow and laughs. That was some unclear communicating. I guess she was dryly making a joke because Twiggy is skinny and Diane's larger, but it was really weird. She needs to loosen up. Jay proceeds, saying that nobody is perfect and thatyou have to learn to turn your flaws into assets. And, Twiggy is going to help them do that. Twiggy comes out and says it's nice to see the girls close up. She seems really sweet. I like her army green jacket. Kim does, too. She says that Twiggy is a role model for her, and that it seems that Twiggy genuinely wants all the girls to do well. I'm going to take this time to say that, though I know there is some major hate abounding for Kim in the forums, she can be really freaking gorgeous. Sitting on the sofa at Smashbox, she is incredibly hot. This is compounded by the fact that she is sitting to Lisa, who is wearing that fucking trucker cap and knee-high boots. Now, Lisa looks like Taylor Dayne. Why is she making me do this?
Twiggy tells us what her flaws were at the beginning of her career: she was too skinny, too small, and her ears were too big. She kind of looks like what Baby Spice will look like in twenty-five years. She tells how she was discovered. It sounds like a super-famous hairdresser decided to style her. Then, she was photographed by a super-famous photographer and sent to work. She says her point is that you have to work with what you have got and "be true to yourself." Funny, what I took from that story was: if you have flaws, you had better be friends with the people who would be hiring you if you didn't have flaws. She's still sweet, though.
Bre has a question for Twiggy: how can Bre translate her runway confidence into her in-front-of-the-cameras persona? Twiggy asks her if she is comfortable in front of the camera. Bre's reply is that she wants to be a legend. Huh? That's not the answer to the question. Also, don't say stuff like that, you twit. Bre normally seems pretty fun and nice, but that is such a bizarre thing to say. Cut to an interview with Bre, in which she announces, "This is what I want to do. So, that at least by the time I'm twenty-five, I have a comfortable household name [sic]." Your name is already a household name. I love it with a cracker and a hearty Shiraz. Also, "comfortable" embarrasses me when you use it in that context. Twiggy tells Bre that she's making a mistake if she is just thinking about fame. She should be in the moment. That is generally pretty good advice, but why else would you model? It doesn't seem to be enriching in any way other than the superficial.
, Diane has a question. In condensed form, because her sentence-making is not so good, Diane is worried that she will look like a ho if she enhances her curves. I guess that's not so much a question as a concern. Twiggy tells her not to worry about looking like a porn actress, since the camera "sees deep into your soul." Diane drifts, apparently thinking, "Shit, the camera is going to see that time I slept with TeeTee's boyfriend." In an interview, Diane poses this dilemma: "It is one thing to see someone curvaceous and voluptuous like myself. It is another thing to put that to use." Winston Churchill couldn't have said it better himself.
Jay instructs that girls to give Twiggy a hand, and then introduces the owners of Smashbox, Dean and Davis Factor. Jay gives the girls a questionnaire on which each has to write what her negative is. As well, they have to write what the other girls' negatives are. Just to make sure no one pulls any punches -- not that they would -- Jay says that the questionnaires will be anonymous. In an interview, Kyle says she thinks Lisa will be the most critical, while Jayla thinks Coryn will be the most offended by the critiques. As they are filling out the questionnaires, Lisa says she's honest, and the other girls are all, "We know." Lisa is drunk right now.
Jayla is the first to be critiqued. Everyone agrees-- her ears are too big. Jay is apparently going to be assisting the girls on how to mask their flaws. Isn't this the opposite of what Twiggy was just saying? Anyway, he tells Jayla to twist her head in photographs. Twiggy would have just told her to get a great modeling job.
is Bre. She has buck teeth and the Tyra fivehead (forehead). She seems a little shocked that people think her teeth are fucked up. Jay tells her to tilt her head up. Twiggy would have told her to, I don't know, get the Marc Jacobs campaign or something. (You get where I'm going there.)
, Nicole is too pale. So, Jay tells her to wear sunscreen. Ooookay.
Diane needs to loosen up. One of the Factor brothers helps out with that one.
Nik has "bubble eye." She has to make sure the she is not lit from above, or else she will have a shadow under her eye. Should anyone be lit overhead? I'm just saying.
Lisa is cross-eyed. I love Jay for saying that. Lisa says, "That is so funny," as if she'd been talking to a psychic who'd just guessed the name of her childhood pet. Jay tells her to turn her head a little to the side. I tell her to wear an eye patch. She would be a great pirate.
is Kim. Someone thinks she has an un-toned ass and love handles. Lisa admits to writing that critique. At least Kim can see straight, bitch. Of course, that's the only straight thing she does. Jay says that Kim's narrow hips create the illusion that her waist is wider. Then, he feels her ass and declares that it is not un-toned. Consider yourself FACED, Lisa.
Kyle's neck is short. Jay's solution for her is, "You gotta work really hard to make sure your neck looks long." Thanks, Jay.
Here comes Coryn. "Your problem, Coryn," begins Jay, "...wait, is that a she-nis?" Just kidding. She's too skinny and muscular. Jay and one of the Factor Bros. say that she needs to look soft. She doesn't get that, plus she seems super-pissed at Lisa and is glaring at her while Jay is talking. In an interview, Lisa says that Coryn's being muscular and skinny is not necessarily a bad thing, but will limit her.
Now that the girls all know what to hate about themselves, Jay says that what they have learned will help them in the photo shoot. Then, he sends them on their way, but not before we thank the Factor Bros., who, according to Jay, "rock."
Later, or earlier (I can't tell), Nicole tells us via interview that Coryn is "mad that Lisa keeps pointing out her flaws, because she's done it more than once." Captain Redundant has saved the day. Then, Coryn interviews that she wants to see Lisa "go" because she is critical of everyone and keeps putting them down. There seems to be some greater pain or anger bubbling right under the surface with Coryn, masked by a kind of lethargy. It scares me and excites me. At a makeup mirror, Coryn is applying lip gloss the way she'd apply a shiv to a prison foe. Kyle asks her what is wrong. Coryn replies, "Dumb bitches. They get on my nerves." I'm guessing she is talking about only one dumb bitch. Nice job masking what you really mean, Coryn. Right now, at home, people are like, "Who is she talking about? There is more mystery to her than meets the she-nis." Coryn continues, "This is why I don't hang around females." That, and because you're afraid they're going to sniff out the fraud. Lisa arrives on the scene and tells Coryn, "If you have a problem, why can't you confront me with it? It's just gonna make you feel bad." Coryn, sounding like she's underwater, replies, "Actually, it's making me feel better. So, you won't be talking to me or anything at all. You know, just cut off that whole thing." I think this was posed in question form, but it is really hard to tell with Coryn. Maybe she's trying to sound like she's about to fall asleep as a way of sounding nonchalant, but it is unnerving. Lisa replies, "That's fine." Kim, by the way, is sitting on the makeup table between Coryn and Lisa. As the two fighting girls are totally pissed at each other, Kim is looking at Kyle and laughing. Kim is fun. She reminds me of a young Matt Damon, circa School Ties. Coryn goes further in her interview by reminding us all that she "does not care" what Lisa thinks about her body; she only cares what the judges think: "I'm not here for [Lisa] to judge me." Very well, but the judges have told you the very same stuff that Lisa has told you, and you do not seem to be able to acknowledge that. To conclude the scene, Coryn subtly tells Lisa, "I do not like you." Okay, girls, back to your corners. Here's a commercial break so Coryn can re-tuck.
We are back. For those who missed the earlier scene, Coryn recaps: "Now that I'm telling you that I don't like you and stuff, I feel a lot better." Then, Jayla, in interview, tells us that Coryn has told Lisa she doesn't like her. I guess the show just felt like they needed to use Jayla for something just then, because that was really unnecessary. They replay Coryn's pre-commercial break "So you won't be talking to me or anything at all." Lisa interviews, "What am I supposed to do with that?" Not a lot, I guess. It would have probably been more helpful to say something less combative than "That's fine." Maybe "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or "Don't hate me because I'm a woman." But, there is no changing that now. Lisa tries, though, later, when she and Coryn are sitting on some couches. The only free seat is beside Lisa, so Coryn sits on a block in the middle of the room. "You don't want to sit by me?" asks Lisa. "No, I don't. Why are you still talking to me?" Coryn replies off-camera. You can hear a smile in her voice. I don't know if it's the whole nonchalant thing again; she's too hard to read. Lisa says, "I don't hate you." Pause. "It's too much energy." In other words, "Here's the olive branch, Coryn, yet I'd like to keep the olives that are on it. For my martini." Then, in an interview, Coryn explains that she just told Lisa she does not like her. Wait a second, I'm beginning to think Coryn doesn't really like Lisa. Could this be? We get it! Gah. While Lisa is having a cigarette, Kim says to Coryn, "Not that I disagree with you, but what is it about her that you dislike?" Coryn doesn't like it that Lisa rips others down but makes herself seem like this "good person." Psych 101, Tip #1: People often say derisive things about others in an attempt to feel better about themselves. Now, can we shut up about this? Kyle interviews that she is glad Coryn finally told Lisa how she feels. Kyle is probably also hoping that now she'll move on to another topic. Kim very calmly adds, "I just find a lot of what she says hypocritical. Or, she's giving advice one way, then I see her doing the same thing. That bothers me." Lisa interviews, "Everyone let her be mad at me. And, they kind of almost just, like, went along with it. I just think it's messed up. But, whatever." This girl has some serious self-awareness issues. Lisa, are you really just picking up that people are a little annoyed with you? Look around, with your lazy eye, girl.
Later, at the house, there's more Tyra Mail! Do you see the chronology problems with the earlier scene? Either it happened before the scene with Jay or the girls all needlessly hung around Smashbox and put on more makeup so they could have a fight. Anyway the mail reads, "Accentuate the negative. Be ready at 11:00 AM."
The day, the girls meet with Miss J. He looks as if he is ready for a dance-off. Bre announces, in an interview, that she loves Miss J. She is always excited when she sees "her." Yawn. Today, Miss J. announces, the girls will be using the information they learned about their flaws. The photographer, Jay Goldman (because we don't get to say "J" enough), looks like a total lech. He says, "We 'Jays' gotta stick together." He says, "We're gonna reverse the roles. You're gonna direct me." Yeah, you'd like that, you perv. The girls are going to tell Jay Goldman where and how to shoot them to best accentuate and hide their flaws. This could be good.
Bre is first. She does a pretty good job accentuating her big teeth and big forehead. When it's time to hide her flaw, she takes a Brando method-acting moment. In an interview, she tells us she is unsure of herself and that it's frustrating her. They show the two photos: the hiding-the-flaw photo is kind of a bust. She has her hand on her forehead. It only serves as a highlight. It's like she's pointing at the place where she doesn't want you to look.
is Diane. Miss J says, in an interview, that Diane could have been "more Pa-Dow!" Her two photos look practically identical. I'm not sure what she was going for there.
Then, there's Jayla. She doesn't even need to tell the photographer what her flaw is: "We are accentuating the ears, correct?" Then, "Let's take some topless ones." Not really. Her photos look fairly good, except the hiding-the-flaw photo looks a little like a Star Trek publicity still.
Up is Nik. Miss J asks her what her flaw diagnosis was, and she replies that her eyes are big. He says, "Your eyes are big. Yeah, bug-like." That's just rude, asshole. She giggles it off. In an interview, Miss J says, "Girls, don't blame the photographer. Blame your parents for bad DNA." Those in glass houses. Nik's pictures are good. I think her eyes are pretty. Since when did the fashion industry want tiny eyes?
Now, we have Coryn. The music gets all hard-rock for a second, in order to complement her severe posing. Miss J growls offscreen. Coryn interviews, "I look too mean all the time. And, my body is toned." I don't think anyone complained about her being "toned." She's too muscular. Man, she is not listening to the criticism. She can focus all her energy on Lisa if she wants, but it's clear that the judges have asked for something specific and she is not giving it to them. Anyway, at the shoot, Coryn lazily ponders, "It's hard to hide my body." Her pictures aren't that great. For the hiding-the-flaw photo, she wrapped her arms around her body, which only enhances her linebacker shoulders.
Now, we have Lisa, who, in her interview, gamely jokes about her flaw being a lazy eye. She crosses her eyes for effect when she is saying this. Her photos are pretty good, but there's an overwhelming early '90s quality to her look.
Nicole says that her flaw is paleness. "Lord know you white [sic]," adds Miss J. Nicole's photos are gorgeous. In fact, it looks like they had to wash her out with bad lighting in order to take a bad picture.
Kyle comes on. She gives pretty detailed instructions about how she wants to hide her flaw, but she and Jay Goldman have a little miscommunication. When describing what she wants for the hiding-the-flaw photo, she says, "The one where I'm showing it off." Then, she forgets the word "flaunt" and he offers "hiding." Confusion. In her interview, she says that she hasn't been competing as well as she would like, so she needs to "step it up." Both of her pictures are beautiful. Kyle's lovely. ["Yeah. She reminds me of a less whorey-looking Ali Larter." -- Wing Chun]
Kim is last. She has on a red and white striped polo and comments in her interview, "I look so much like 'Where's Waldo,' it's scary." Kim's photos are fine, since the whole thing about her waist being to big is ludicrous anyway. They are not great pictures, though.
Based on the direction given to him and the resultant posing, Jay Goldman chooses Kyle as the winner of this challenge. She gets to go to a spa with two friends. Everyone seems happy for her. It may just be because they want in on the spa day, but they seem genuinely pleased. In her interview, Kyle is pleased because she had told herself that she had to win at least one challenge. I like Kyle's attitude. Instead of all of these stupid reality-show mind games that are so popular lately, she's competing with herself. Good girl. Miss J asks which of the "tramps" Kyle wants to take with her to the spa, and she picks Kim and Coryn. In her interview, Lisa says that Kyle deserved to win: "Maybe I'm just bitter because I have a lazy eye." If she'd shut up every once in a while, I could like Lisa. 'Cause that shit's funny.
At the spa, we are shown Kyle buck naked, wet, and face-down on a massage table; with only a giant leaf covering her ass crack; we learn that this was her first massage. In her interview, she says how relaxing it was. Her Midwestern accent is really apparent when she says "relaxing." All the girls get treatments and seem really content.
Later, the girls are sitting around the spa eating and talking. Kim and Coryn say that, besides the present company, Bre is the only other girl in the house they like. Coryn adds, "Lisa. Hell no." Kim adds, "Lisa likes to randomly take charge of things." Kyle, it must be mentioned, submits a few weak head nods, but otherwise is silent. Coryn starts ragging on Lisa's looks: her ribs are visible, she looks old, she's a haggard drunk, and she has sun damage. Kim concludes, "I just don't like her."
The day, there is more Tyra Mail! Jayla reads it. I always get a little nervous when one of them tries to read. "In the modeling biz, sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it. Be ready at 6:30 AM." It's official: Tyra and Martha Stewart are the most different people on the planet.
When they arrive at the studio, they see that it's set up as an operating room. Bre is frightened and does not understand. Jay is there. Diane says, "Hi, Mr. Jay." And, Jay says, "What you don't know is that my name is Dr. Jay." Retarded segue. Also, why do all of the teacher/judge people have this vaguely scolding attitude to the models? I understand at Panel, because they are being reviewed, but all of the time? It seems like a few people are on a power trip. I'm talking to you, Dr. Jay. The photo shoot is going to be poking fun at people who are obsessed with plastic surgery. Then, Jay says that, for the photographer for the shoot, they needed a supermodel turned "master" photographer. Lauren Hutton? No, Janice Dickinson. Hey, everyone, Janice Dickinson is a master photographe! She comes out to applause and brays, "That's all I get?" Bre says she's sure Janice is going to slaughter her.
During the commercial break, we see an ad of Naima on a go-see. I'd forgotten what a colossal bore she is. And, she's still rocking the 'burns.
After the break, Janice comes out again. Seeing it again, it's even more annoying that she demanded, "Is that all I get?" It's like when some stupid inspirational speaker or sitcom warm-up comedian says, "Is everybody having a good time? I didn't hear you: I said, IS EVERYONE HAVING A GOOD TIME?" Not that I want to participate in such stupid crowd control anyway, but, every once in a while, I scream really loud the first time someone asks something like that. Just to prove that they had always planned to ask twice. I'm just saying that Janice planned on saying, "Is that all I get?" no matter what her introduction was. Small point, I know, but it is annoying.
Lisa is happy to see Janice because she thinks that they are similar in look. Fine. Kim is wearing a possum around her neck.
Janice says that she is the perfect photographer because she has been modeling for thirty years and will be modeling for another thirty. Hopefully, she'll be modeling caskets.
Each model is told what plastic surgery/beauty procedure they will be lampooning during the fashion shoot. This idea is a little odd, since the procedures each girl has to model is arbitrary. You'd think they would focus on what each model's flaw is: that way, they could emphasize their point about making a positive a negative.
We see Janice sitting in Kyle's lap and talking about how she decided to become a model upon seeing Lauren Hutton in a magazine. Then, she asks Kim if she's a lesbian. When Kim replies with an affirmative, Janice says, "That's hot."
Then Janice is lying on a chaise, eating fruit and talking with Bre. Bre asks for a kiss on the lips. Despite my better judgment, I find that really cute. Coryn says she likes Janice because she "doesn't beat around the bush." First of all, what would Coryn know about bush? Second, she hates Lisa for being the same way.
Janice and Lisa meet. Uh-oh. Janice says, "I'm detecting some attitude." Lisa replies, "I don't have any attitude." They sit, and Janice says, "Do you know why I coined the term 'supermodel'? Because I can." Then, she grills Lisa about what she's doing for her career. I get the feeling that, at all times, Janice Dickinson pretty much refuses to talk about anyone but herself. Maybe she's just working it for the cameras, but a good hint is if a lady in her seventies (or however old Janice is) is hoarse like a cheerleader leaving a pep rally. Shut up every once in a while, lady. Rest the cords. Lisa says that she is the healthiest of the girls. Is she kidding?! Janice tells her not to dis the other girls, and Lisa says she isn't dissing anyone. Coryn interjects, "She disses everyone." Lisa does not like this. Janice waves her hand in Lisa's face and says, "I'm Sally Jesse Raphael. You've got to stop dissing everyone right now." (That was a reference to The Surreal Life. Nice plug, Janice.) Janice asks the whole group whether Lisa is always dissing the others. In an interview, a teary Lisa says that Janice doesn't know her. She's bothered that Coryn made her look like the bad one: "I'm just totally offended right now." She's sincerely hurt. Maybe she was too drunk to remember what she'd said. It's clear, though, that she doesn't know she's hurting anyone's feelings. I kind of feel bad for her.
Jay tells Janice that he wants the girls to interact with the set. They are "just not getting it." He wants Janice to "reach down in their throats" and pull "it" out of them -- "it" being an organic plastic surgeon's office improv, I guess.
First up is Nik. She's going to be wearing really long hair extensions. Janice decides that she wants Nik naked under the extensions, à la Lady Godiva. She looks pretty good while they are shooting. In an interview, Nik says she enjoyed working with Janice and she hopes that her mother won't disapprove of her nudity. (Nik's mom, not Janice's. ["Since Janice's -- probably dead since the nineteenth century -- is long past caring." -- Wing Chun])
is Kim. She's supposed to be a breast-augmentation patient. She is holding the silicon packs over her chest. Janice says to Kim that she's annoyed with her because she's not changing her expression. She's right: Kim's not doing anything. However, this is pretty shitty art direction, too. There are much more provocative ways to imply breast implants. Janice tells Kim, "You have not seen diva yet." Fo fum.
It's Kyle's turn. Her procedure to mock is collagen lip injections. For the shot, she is looking into a hand-held saw as a mirror and holding a syringe to her lips. It's totally hot. You see? You can't go wrong with that set-up. Holding jelly packs over your chest while lying on a bed is a lot harder to sell. Janice is happy with Kyle.
Bre is up. In her interview, she tells us that she's very nervous and not performing well because she wants it so badly. Janice tells her to forget about Tyra and Iman. "Be...what's your name? Be Bre." Bre's procedure is cheek implants. Janice says she doesn't think Bre connected with the camera at all.
is Coryn. Her procedure is Botox. Janice begs "what's-her-name" to be softer. In an interview, Coryn says, "Everybody's like, 'Oh my gosh, you can't smile.' Whoop-dee-doo, but it's harder for some people." It's also harder for those same people to be coherent. Janice screams that she wants soft. She tells Coryn to think of toilet paper. Coryn is sweating from the pressure. I think she's had a stroke or something.
On the set, Jay asks Lisa if she's okay. "Pretty bummed because Janice was harassing you? Well, Janice is a little up and down. Don't worry about it." Lisa replies that she's like Janice as well. Kim thinks it's funny that Lisa's procedure is a facelift. Jayla says that Lisa is going to need one in about six months anyway. Kim says that Lisa is a year and a half older than she is, but that, in a year and a half, she won't look as old as Lisa does now. Jesus, with that kind of labyrinthine logic, Kim will soon be perfecting time travel. Lisa has lines on her face drawn like a pre-op facelift patient. Janice is coaching her, and Lisa sticks out her tongue lasciviously. "No, not like that," screams Janice. "Not like you're drunk." "It's so natural for her to be like that," replies Kim. The girls all laugh. Janice says that they're jealous: "This girl is a star." Well, when you flaunt your liquor sack as a prized possession, people are going to make jokes. Later, Lisa declares, "I rocked the house fizzle-thizzle today."
Nicole will be aping an artificial tan. She looks pretty cool, with huge crimped hair and bronzer that creates a swimsuit tan line(which she doesn't have naturally). She's applying a thick, clay-like bronzer to her arm and is under a heat lamp. She looks gorgeous, and Janice loves shooting her.
It's Jayla's turn . She's got a butt implant; it's totally exaggerated padding. She has to arch her back to make her ass look even huger. It looks really painful. Janice is begging her to give more. She complains in her interview about how badly it hurt having to bow her back for so long. She looks like she's costumed for an SNL skit.
Last and most, we have Diane. Her procedure is breast reduction. They are going to bind her chest. Diane says in her interview that this is her chance to show her versatility, and prove she can use her body. Instead, she decides to start crying because her boobies hurt. She cannot breathe, she says. Janice ain't having it and calls Jay over when she sees that there is drama. Jay looks annoyed. Janice says in an interview that Diane is insecure. Janice also likens Diane's posing strategy of throwing her head back to the appearance of a horse about to whinny. Ouch. Later, in an interview, Diane says that she thinks she "pulled it through." Hey, success is measured by different things to different people.
Before they leave the shoot, Janice gives them a little parting wisdom: don't stab anybody in the back. She herself rose to the top of her profession, Janice declares, because she was "a sister to [her] model." I guess all the nice ran out and this is what we are left with. Maybe you could have been a little less nice to Cheryl Tiegs and shared some of that with us, Janice.
Later, Diane is teaching Nik Pilates. Tyra Mail arrives! Coryn reads. "Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only eight will continue on with the hope of becoming America's Top Model. One of you will be eliminated."
While the girls are having dinner, Lisa is sitting in the other room. We see an interview in which Lisa says that, though she thinks she is doing a good job, she may be sent home. In her own interview, Coryn also expresses concern about her chances. Bre tells Coryn that she thinks she might have done a good job, but isn't saying it: "Whenever I think I did a good job, my pictures be looking crazy." Bre's insecurities are starting to eat at her, she says in an interview.
On the deck, Kim expresses her wishes that the week were done. She's tired of talking about her flaws. At least you don't have big teeth and a big forehead, offers Bre. "No, I'm just big," replies Kim.
It's Panel time. Tyra tells the girls they are looking more like models every week. Coryn looks like a dude. Tyra repeats what the girls will win if they become America's Top Model. Everyone has lost perspective at this point. She could be speaking Mandarin Chinese, for all the fuck they give. She presents the judges. Miss J. is wearing that shoulder corsage made of fake roses in different colors. It is truly one of the most stomach-turning concoctions I've seen covering a human. It looks like he sprinted through a funeral on the way to work. And, this man works in fashion. Dear World: A lisp does not mean you have style. Dean and Davis Factor are the guest judges.
During individual evaluations, the girls act like they are on a go-see. Each has to explain why her flaw is an asset. They start out pretty well. Kyle is convincing. Nigel tells Jayla that his client sells earrings, and she says, "Well, I've got a big canvas right here." That's funny. Coryn tells the judges that she can be soft as well as hard. Nicole considers her skin a plus because it makes her original. She looks totally gorgeous, too. Then, Bre starts talking: "There are a lot of things that I don't see wrong with myself. Such as my teeth." She thinks they make her stand out more than a person with straight teeth does. Yeah, people who are bleeding stand out too, but that doesn't make them models. Tyra looks incredulous. Nik explains that big bug eyes are beautiful. She looks and sounds really cute, too, though, a little alien-like. Miss J. asks Diane why he should hire her. She explains that she is a bilingual supermodel. Were we playing Fantasyland or were they supposed to act like themselves? Because, part of being a supermodel is that you don't have to tell people you are a supermodel. Tyra asks her for a sentence in Spanish and English, and when Diane gives it a shot, Tyra says, "You need to work on that English part a little bit." Lisa says she didn't think her lazy eye would be the flaw on which she needed to focus, because there are so many other things wrong with her. Then, she names them: boy chest, uneven lips, gap in her teeth, waistline. Damn, that's brave. Kim shows how she would pose to make her waist look smaller. In Kim fashion, she is fairly dry and takes her time explaining. When she walks away, Nigel makes a gesture indicating that he thinks she talks too much, probably because she doesn't want to sleep with him.
All the girls are brought back. Miss J. tells Diane that she seems unsure of herself. Twiggy concurs. Diane says that she is being herself and Tyra says she isn't, because she is insecure. Nigel explains that they are looking for a "plus-sized personality." Tyra tells her that she is disappearing. ["This is the same shit they used to tell Toccara toward the end. Hey, judges: not all fat people are jolly, okay?" -- Wing Chun] Then, they show her best photo, which looks quite good. Tyra announces that Janice took the photos, and Nigel says, "I always think models make the best photographers." Because, Nigel is a photographer now and he used to be a model. Then, they laugh and show modeling photos from Nigel's younger years. He was hot.
Kim is up . Miss J. says she sounded like Charlie Brown's mom when she was explaining her poses. Her photo is horrible. Miss J. likens her hands to catcher's mitts.
Nigel ridicules Lisa for pointing out all her own flaws. I still think it was a brave move. Her photo is great. Tyra also says that her frames were great and that she made subtle changes from photo to photo.
Coryn looks sad, according to Twiggy. Miss J.'s advice is for her to practice smiling in the mirror. Her photo is pretty, but Tyra remarks that she looks stiff.
Kyle is . Her photo is freaking smoking. Tyra says she is connecting.
Twiggy commends Jayla for being natural during the fake go-see. They show her booty photo. It looks pretty good. You know, Janice is a pretty good photographer. Nigel says that Jayla can look safe or rock 'n roll.
Nicole is . Tyra says that Nicole is just relying on being pretty, and that she needs to "push through." That's fairly nebulous advice, huh? Whatever.
Nik looks totally in-control in her photo, according to Twiggy. Nigel says, "I've never seen a girl who looks so hairy look so gorgeous." I'd tell him to shut up if I wasn't still thinking about those modeling shots of his.
The judges tell Bre that she seems a bit melancholy, and she explains that sometimes the panel can "bring a person down." Tyra says that brutal scrutiny with no guarantee of any lasting success is nothing compared to having Joan Rivers say nasty stuff about you on the red carpet. "There are chat rooms on the internet dedicated to the 'I Hate Bre Fan Club,'" says Tyra. Anybody know what she's talking about? ["Seriously -- paranoid much, Tyra?" -- Wing Chun]Bre responds that she is not used to hearing such criticism. Her photo is awesome.
The judges deliberate. Everyone loves Nik. Nigel says that Bre looks like a burst balloon. Coryn seems sad. Miss J. says, "The world is still on her back." Well, I personally don't know anyone else who could lift that much. Diane seems insecure. Nigel thinks she has improved. The Factor brothers say she is not a model. Twiggy loves Kim. Nigel thinks she's the odd one out. Nigel thinks it is telling that Lisa was the model chosen to have a facelift in her photo. I remember you saying it was great a little earlier, Nigel. Twiggy says that Nicole would be a working model in Europe. The Factors think she looks dazed and confused. Miss J. wants to give her another chance. Jayla is funny and sweet, according to Twiggy. Tyra thinks Jayla pops, but that it's not a "big pop." It might not be this week, but that sounds like a death sentence to me. Twiggy says that Kyle's is her favorite picture of this bunch. She thinks she looks like the girl door. "Who are you living to?" asks Miss J. "Everyone always wants the girl door," replies Nigel. "I always wanted the boys door," Miss J. responds, "and had most of them." ...Excuse me a moment, I need to find something to scour my brain to rid if of that image. I hate Miss J.
The girls return. Tyra gives the spiel. I believe there was less pomp and circumstance when Harold Pinter recently received the Nobel Prize in Literature. Kyle gets her photo. Then Jayla. Nik. Lisa. Coryn looks seriously pissed about that one. Nicole is safe. Kim is safe. Coryn ism too. "What was that look?" asks Tyra, though I saw no discernible change in Coryn's face. "I'm happy, of course," she replies. It's down to Bre and Diane. Tyra says that the judges are worried Bre might not be tough enough for the industry. With Diane, they are worried that she is unable to be vivacious. Diane is going home. At the house, she says that it hurts to lose, but that she is learning how to move to "the level." Goodbye, Diane.
week on ANTM: Iman is the guest star! That's going to be so awesome. Tyra will look positively Neanderthalic to Iman. I'd say her crown qualifies as a sixhead. Otherwise, it looks like more fighting among the girls. I'm guessing some more Coryn/Lisa action is going to go down.
Well, Potes, here's hoping you had a splendid time in Ireland. Thank you for letting me guard your post. You'll be happy to know that Coryn's dingle is still a secret.