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Makeovers! The girls go to Louis Licari, where they learn their fate. Cassandra is told that she will get a Rosemary's Baby-style Mia Farrow haircut and just cries and cries. Turns out that she was right to cry, because it looks like hot buttered ass. Coryn gets a long, Tyra-style weave that has the unfortunate effect of making her look even more transgendered. Otherwise, the makeovers go relatively well, and each girl gets a theme/attitude to go with their look ("mod," "ghetto fabulous," "supermodel with a twist," "femme boy," etc.). The day, a circus freak challenges the girls to take $500 and put together an outfit that represents their theme/attitude to the extreme. Rodeo Drive has never seen such madness. Lisa, who has the advantage of being a wardrobe stylist's assistant, wins the challenge and proceeds to annoy everyone with her bossy "I'm gonna beat all you bitches despite the fact that I'm older than Bea Arthur" attitude. At their photo shoot, the girls are told to pick a partner and then learn that they will be wearing the same outfit as and facing off against said partner in a sort of photo duel. We learn that Cassandra can't slouch and that horses poop unexpectedly. At Panel, it is Ebony who is eliminated, which makes sense since she is really not that pretty. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on ANTM: The thirteen finalists moved into their Bel-Air home with lots of whooping; Cassandra likened herself to a sociopath, but prissier; the girls flew in the air with the greatest of unease on a superhero-themed photo shoot; and Ashley was eliminated. Who? Exactly. Only twelve bitches remain!
Sunny California. An alarm clock rings, and the girls awaken. Sarah says that it was shocking to almost be eliminated, and that she is really relieved. She says she's going to have to get better, because she's not good enough right now and has to rely on tricks such as slipping other ladies the tongue to stay on the show. The girls eat breakfast, and Kim says she can't believe Ashley isn't there anymore. Lisa agrees that she didn't think Ashley would be eliminated, and then interviews that she's really competitive and is trying to make something great for herself. A tired-looking Ebony yawns. She interviews fantastically, "You can't underestimate for one second one of these skeezers here. You can't. If you show weakness, they're going to pounce on you like a pack of hyenas to a carcass." Ebony is like Kelle but wittier and with less snout, and thus I love her.
Tyra Mail! "Don't bitch and moan about this hairy situation. Be ready to leave at 8:45 AM." The girls all agree that makeovers are imminent. Cassandra interviews that she's confident about the way she looks and adds that she has a "great natural beauty" and doesn't have to change much to enhance that. Somewhere offstage, Tyra cackles a great "Mwah ha ha ha!" and twists her handlebar moustache French-villain style.
The girls meet Tyra and Jay at the Louis Licari Salon. Louis Licari, says Tyra, is a legend and master of color. Jay says that they're going to turn the girls into "these bling top models," and notes that Linda Evangelista's career took off when she cut her hair really short. Sarah gives a look of concern. There is a flash of Linda Evangelista that makes me realize afresh the contestants' limited potential. The girls' new looks are going to be as follows: Nicole will get a big curly hair weave. Coryn will be blonde. Diane will get wheat-colored hair, "like a prairie." Louis wants to give Lisa's hair more contrast so that her eyes pop, and so she wants to go darker. Lisa interviews that she's a chameleon like Linda Evangelista, and wants something really drastic. She is also modest and patient like Naomi Campbell and sober like Kate Moss. Ebony is going to get waist-length braids for glamour, pizzazz, and to "represent her people." Her people are all like, "We're doing just fine, thanks." Kyle is going to go chocolatey brown. Jayla will get long extensions. Kim interviews that she doubts she'll get a buzz cut or anything, because having a lesbian with a buzz cut is just too much. So they'll probably give her a mullet instead. Tyra says that they love the length of Kim's hair, but want to dye it red to go with her olive skin tone. Kim looks skeptical, and also, may I add, is standing in extremely close proximity to Sarah. Hm. Sarah will get an edgy symmetrical cut. Nik will go lighter and sun-kissed. Bre is going to go straighter and sexier.
And now to the good part. Tyra says that Cassandra has poise and is beautiful, but has too much of a bland beauty-queen thing going on in the judging room. The other girls laugh because it is true and they totally hate Cassandra. Tyra says it makes her ask who the real girl is under all that hair. She asks Cassandra if she's ever seen Rosemary's Baby, starring Mia Farrow. We cut to Kim who pumps her fist and mouths, "Yes," for what I'm sure is the first time in her life. Tyra explains that Mia Farrow's hair was lighter than Cassandra's and about an inch short. A look of panic flashes across Cassandra's face, followed by tears. Jay says that they're not cutting Cassandra's hair just to cut her hair, which is a total lie because they are absolutely doing it to fuck with her. Tyra says that Cassandra's face is strong enough to handle it, which I don't know about either. Tyra asks Cassandra why she's crying, and Cassandra sobs, "I love my hair." Tyra says that it will always grow back. But really, it is going to take a loooong time. Ebony interviews that it sucks for Cassandra, but that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, so she needs to suck it up. Tyra tells the girls that they're also going to have a photo shoot in which they'll represent their looks to the tenth power. Jay says that, on top of that, he's going to give each girl her own style to adopt. All of this is typially cryptic, and does nothing to ease Cassandra's tiny little mind.
The girls hang around the salon. Most of them are excited, but Cassandra sobs that she's always had her hair. Lisa tells her that if she's had her hair her whole life, it needs to go. In an interview, she condescendingly agrees to trade and says, "You can stay the beauty queen if you WANT TO." She does kind of have a point, even if she expresses it in the most obnoxious fashion. A stylist works on Cassandra; Ebony notes that it's good to see Cassandra showing some emotion, and that this is the first time during the competition that she's seemed remotely human. The stylist kind of laughs at a crying Cassandra and asks if she's ready. She sobs, "I don't want to watch." He cuts a big hunk off and says, "Bye bye." Sensitive music plays as the other girls look on. Jay comforts her as she says it's a really big shock. He reminds her that in casting, she said she's very easy to work with and would do what they told her to. He says that they have to trust them, which makes me want to scream "DO NOT TRUST THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE INCOMPETENT AND THEY LIE." Cassandra says that she knows, and that it's taken a lot out of her, but she did it.
The other girls have work done, but none is as exciting or amusing as Cassandra's, so we cut back to her. The colorist asks her if she's ever seen Rosemary's Baby, and she says no. He then starts to say that Rosemary was pregnant, and Cassandra finishes his sentence: "With the Devil's baby." She mouths a very sad and silent "Yeah." Lisa, on the other hand, goes up to Jay and says that she loves her haircut even though it kind of looks like a helmet. Jay tells her that they were thinking of going darker but will now make her a believable blonde. She smiles and displays more wrinkles than Estelle Getty. Kim, who has her mouth full, wonders if red hair is too feminine. I'm sorry, but she's wearing, like, German schoolboy knickers and a motocross jacket. The color red is all, "I can't save the world, yo." Kim says that she'll try to keep her own personal expression, but that it might be hard with the new hair color. Just for that, I kind of wish that they'd given her really long extensions. On a separate note, the color is kind of stupid and it looks like they've curled her bangs. She complains, "No boy has this color hair," and whoever is sitting to her has to remind her that she's not, in fact, a boy.
More fun at the salon. Bre needs to have her nose hairs trimmed. Heh. Jay asks weaveologists (who knew that was a word! And I want one!) Waatani, Lorgh, and Latanya how long the braiding of Ebony's hair will take. The answer, I guess, is a really long time. Cassandra looks on with envy at all the girls who aren't pouting. Jay tells one of the stylists that it's been twelve hours of crying as Cassandra complains that they want her to be someone she's not. On the contrary: I think that they want her to be the raging pain in the ass that she is, because it will make good television.
Jay goes to the girls and tells them each how to incorporate her new signature style into her makeover. Bre is the ghetto fabulous girl. She interviews that the fact that they didn't do much to her means that she's perfect as is and that no one could find a way to make her more beautiful, with the exception of cutting that Rip Van Winkle sized nose hair. Her makeover is relatively unexceptional. ["And normally, that means they're getting ready to cut her ass -- fake-out!" -- Wing Chun]
Nicole's new style is "'90s wide-eyed supermodel," and I did not know that was an actual thing. And I have to say that despite the uncanny resemblance to Marie Osmond, Nicole can turn it out. She might be one to watch out for now that she has lots and lots of hair.
Lisa's new style is "supermodel with a twist," which I guess means she's served with a lime. I mean, seriously, what the hell is that? Jay tells her that he wants her to evoke the early supermodels. She loves her new look, but I think she kind of resembles a blonder Sue Ellen Ewing. Like, kind of manly and haggard.
Sarah thinks she looks a million times better with her shorter asymmetrical haircut, and she is right. Her look is "Ralph Lauren chic," and her photo is actually pretty gorgeous.
Kim's look is "femme boy," and she says that she's the only person who gets to stay within her personal style. She seriously looks like a red headed Friedrich from The Sound of Music.
Jayla's new look is "Yves St. Laurent chic" even though she looks like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She interviews that she wanted long blonde hair, but is happy that she at least got the long part. The hair doesn't look great on her -- it's way too heavy. ["I totally agree; she looked better before, when she basically had the haircut Sarah ended up with post-makeover." -- Wing Chun]
Diane's style is "dressy casual," a.k.a Lane Bryant.
Coryn's style is "sophisticated." She says that she never would have thought blonde, but likes her makeover overall. And I have to say that I do like Coryn, and I had a good hearty laugh at the rumors that she was actually a man, but I have never seen an individual look more like a drag queen than Coryn does with that long blonde weave. It's kind of freaky. And what's even freakier is that in her after picture she's a dead ringer for Tyra. You make your own connections there.
Kyle's new style is "Chanel with an edge." I have to say that, with the exception of Lisa, I don't think these girls have any idea what this stuff means. Jay tells her that she's fashionably casual, and she says that she loves her finished makeover. The photos are kind of bad, but overall I guess it's good even though I liked her with the blonde hair.
Nik is "bohemian chic" and looks AMAZING. She has her hair curled up all around her and it's so cool.
Ebony interviews that it took thirteen hours to get her braids done. Her new style is "sophisticated with an edge." And I honestly can do no better in my description of Ebony's new look than quote the forum poster who said that she looks like the black guy from Color Me Badd minus the moustache. Except I would delete the "minus the moustache" and add that I would not like to sex her up. But seriously, that nails it. Ebony loves her look.
And now, Cassandra. Her new style is "mod with an edge." "With an edge" is code for "ugly." Seriously, Cassandra looks like your crazy aunt from the trailer park who always talks about how she was homecoming queen in 1982 and just took a job at the 7-11 so she could get a discount on Marlboros. In other words, Cassandra looks like a vision of her own future. And like popular 1980s country singer Lorrie Morgan. And, as many a forum poster has pointed out, Roxette. She's got the look, all right. The hair color makes her look totally old and leathery and the cut is all spiky and weird and too long for it to be a Mia Farrow look. I know Cassandra kind of sucks, but she's right on this one. She says that she can't help being feminine even though she has super-short, hideous hair, but the thing that made her mad was that Jay told her she shouldn't be feminine.
Jay tells the girls that they should all work on adopting their new supermodel personas. They all look kind of tired, and Lisa's hair looks like a wig. They return home to Tyra Mail: "Get ready to rack up some fashion cred. Be ready at 6:30 AM." Cassandra speculates that they are going shopping, but says that nobody believes her. Back in her room, she says that she's going to sleep with her ponytail to her because she misses her hair. She does not look like the same person at all. In the confessional room, Ebony and Nicole play with bobble-headed punching dolls and make fun of Cassandra and how everything is about her hair. Cassandra then tells Kyle that she can no longer stroke her hair and admire her own beauty when she goes to brush her teeth in the morning. She interviews that a lot of the girls don't understand why she got so upset about her hair, but that they should. Ebony and Nicole continue to make fun of her, whining, "My hair! My hair! My hair!" into the camera. It's pretty funny. Kyle speculates that the way Cassandra has acted about her hair might put her in line for elimination. Cassandra wonders how far she'll get in the competition and how much her hair is worth as we cut to commercials.
When we return, a bunch of the girls are talking about Cassandra. Kim says she complains so much that it's kind of a joke, and does an impression of Cassandra wanting to use the phone to tell people about her hair. She interviews that Cassandra's incessant whining might hurt her chances in the competition. Cassandra whines to her boyfriend and says that he'll hate the hair. He probably will. I know I do.
The girls trudge off to the rooftop of the Luxe Hotel on Rodeo Drive. Ebony says that the streets are so clean it's ridiculous. Because Beverly Hills totally needs the PR. And then in comes flouncing a large bald man with a giant orange and white polka-dotted muumuu and orange blazer. Guess he skinned Jay Manuel Buffalo Bill-style. The girls stare in wonder at this clowny human, who introduces himself as James St. James, "club kid extraordinaire, fashion provocateur, and definition of personal style." I know, I know, Disco Bloodbath and all that. But come on. ["My sister, who was too young to nerdishly read about Diane Brill in Details like I used to as a teenager in Saskatchewan, asked me what a 'club kid' was and I had a very hard time explaining. What was a club kid? Did they have jobs or what?" -- Wing Chun] James tells the girls that personal style means you can be fat, forty, and bald, and dress like a clown, and still be the most fabulous person in the room. Well, that's four out of five. We see a photo of him shoving a finger up his nose as he tells the girls that they must have a point of view behind their look. He says that today, they will go on a personal style mission, in which they get $500 each to buy an outfit that fits their personal style. Coryn mouths "Oooh," and it looks like the Midnight Tranny to Georgia has left the station. That hair is doing her no favors, though I will admit that the eyebrows are improved. The winner of the challenge gets to keep her outfit, which makes them all glad that their personal style isn't "fat, forty-year old bald clown." The girls get an hour and a half and race off. James St. James trails them wielding a megaphone. I can see why they did this at 6:30 in the morning. There are practically tumbleweeds rolling down Rodeo Drive.
The girls race to Club Monaco, home of edgy fashion. Ebony helps Cassandra, who says that it's difficult because she's not familiar with mod style. More racing, more James St. James with a megaphone. This is like the worst scary clown nightmare ever. Shopping, shopping, shopping. Jayla says, "Why isn't this my style?" and holds up and admires a pair of jeans emblazoned with a skull. Kim deadpans, "Because they're ugly." Okay, back to loving Kim. Running, running, shopping, shopping. Coryn finds a dress that she loves and IF ANYONE HAS ANY INSIDER INFORMATION ABOUT WHETHER SHE IS ACTUALLY A MAN YOU MUST EMAIL ME IMMEDIATELY. Seriously, I just can't stop thinking about it. It is driving me mad. Lisa interviews that she is a wardrobe stylist's assistant and doesn't think any of the other girls take fashion as seriously as she does. She is probably right. Cassandra continues to tag along with Ebony, and Diane admires some shoes. Cassandra asks Ebony what mod shoes would look like. Ebony interviews that Cassandra can't handle her look.
James St. James twirls around as the girls make their way back to the rooftop "just in the nick of time." He says that he'll be looking to see how much each outfit represents the "new you," and how much each girl was able to bring to the outfit. Kyle goes first, and James tells her that she has a bold face and can wear bigger accessories. Jayla is not as sophisticated as she should be. Cassandra needs to be bolder and own her new look. James tells Kim that she could embrace a bit more of her femininity. And I don't know why with $500 she couldn't buy herself something other than another pair of knee-length shorts and a white jacket. James tells Coryn that she has too many accessories, and that he'd get rid of the shawl. Sarah can still be preppy without being so washed out. James tells Lisa that he's not sure if her look reads "supermodel," but that she has captured the essence of personal style. On Ebony's top, he says, "Two words: Um, ew," and I immediately ban him from the forums. Ebony laments that the other girls told her to buy it. Nicole, whose shoe broke, should be more deconstructed and "rattier." The time I show up to work in dirty pants and a hoodie, I am just going to say that I'm deconstructed. Diane is fabulous. Nik is fantastic, but should beware of over-accessorizing. Bre looks good but her belt is too "1999/2000."
James announces that the winner is Lisa. And really, she has a bit of an advantage. She chooses Ebony and Kim to share in her prize. Kim interviews that she thought she should have won because she has better style than most/all of the other girls there. Tell it to the knickers, sister. Lisa gets to keep her outfit, and also choose three items from the other girls. Ebony and Kim each get to choose one item from the other girls. Kim says she wants Kyle's pants, but what she really wants is to be in Kyle's pants. And really, who wouldn't. Free Blizzards! But in any case, Kyle's pants are the same knee-length knickers that Kim is so fond of, so it doesn't really come as a surprise. Sarah interviews that it's hard to see Lisa win because she's a bossy, snotty know-it-all. James tells the girls not to be afraid of fashion and always to have fun dressing up, and then bids them adieu and goes back to his day job as a safety cone.
Back at home, Lisa is slurring some instructions about posing to the other girls. Ebony interviews that, coming off her win, Lisa was feeling perhaps a little too good about herself. Ah, the thrill of victory and the taste of tequila. Lisa interviews that she wants the competition to be as fierce as possible and wants to know that she won the competition with the girls trying their hardest and even having the benefit of her help. She looks markedly unattractive as she says this. She continues to slur, "Put your feet together. Keep your knees straight. Bend forward. Touch your toes." Calm down, there, Posture Pete. Kim mouths, "Shut up," behind Lisa's back, and Kyle interviews that if she were more perceptive, Lisa might have gotten the vibe that they didn't want to talk to her. Kim interviews that Lisa's stance as a model expert is tiring because she's constantly showing people what to do. Lisa yells, "Now get to bed!" and turns around and drunkenly bumps into a wall. Kim mocks Lisa after she leaves, and the other girls laugh as we head to commercials.
And in case you were wondering what Naima's doing these days, the answer is pretty much nothing.
When we return, there is some Tyra Mail: "Seeing double? You're not looking in a mirror. Be ready at 6:00 AM." Cassandra interviews that she's trying to get used to her hair and see it as an advantage, and that they must have made it look that way for a reason. Yes, the reason was to make you freak the fuck out. Ah, the innocence of youth. At 6:00 the morning, the girls trudge out and it sounds like Kim says, "Why do I have the herpes so early in the morning." Ask Sarah, I guess.
Suddenly, we are at a ranch where an adorable horse sticks his horsey nose into the camera. He then applies some Wetslicks and neighs, "Smells like cowpies!" Ebony interviews that they pulled up to the ranch and saw Jay, and she thought maybe they had to pose with cloned sheep or something. I officially love Ebony. Jay tells the girls each to pick a partner and stand to that person. Each girl's partner will be her immediate competition, and Kim laments that she picked the prettiest girl there. Jay says that each girl will be modeling the same outfit as her partner in the exact same setup, and that they can't watch one another. The photographer for the day is Craig de Cristo. Jay says that the girls have to step it up and bring it, and they give a half-hearted "Yeah."
The girls get their hair and makeup done and are outfitted in the wardrobe trailer. Jay says that he wants each and every outfit to look couture, and for once, the clothes and the setup are actually cool and look like something out of Vogue. Nik and Bre are first to compete. Nik does a fantastic job. Jay tells Bre to hunch and work the shape.
Round Two has Sarah vs. Coryn. Jay gives Sarah some horse-handling tips, none of which prevent the horse from snotting on her dress. Coryn has to deal with a horse who has to poop, and also who keeps getting distracted while wondering if Coryn is actually a man in a dress. Coryn, whose hair is less crazy, interviews that you have to work around such challenges, and she laughs and doesn't look so manly anymore.
Lisa vs. Ebony is . Lisa tries to joke around with Ebony, but her joke isn't really funny and only causes Ebony stress. Ebony wonders what on earth she was thinking by picking Lisa as her partner. Lisa interviews that Ebony has large ta-tas while Lisa has no tatas, and so there was a lot of pinning that had to be done on the outfit. And I really hope that after two seasons of recapping this show, you all know me well enough to realize that "ta-tas" is a direct quote. She interviews that she knows every pose from every magazine and adds an emphatic "STRAIGHT UP" at the end. I think I'm caught in a hit and run. Jay praises her range in posing. Ebony, on the other hand, looks awkward and uncomfortable and she knows it. Jay says that she lacks energy and looks like a dead carcass on a fence. He interviews that Ebony has a lot of excitement and creativity, but that it all falls by the wayside when she's in front of the camera. The photographers tell Ebony to swing her braids around.
Nicole interviews that her only worry in competing against Diane was whether the show could find an outfit to fit both of them. Ouch. And speaking of ouch, Jay makes Diane leap across a little brook and she cuts her knee. The photographer calls for a band-aid. Modeling is dangerous! Nicole does a good job of taking Jay's direction, such as it is, and looks kind of awesome.
Kim talks to the wardrobe stylists about her androgyny. She says that she's hanging on by a string, and that if they tell her she looks like a man in a dress again, there is going to be trouble. ["If she doesn't want to be told she looks like a man in a dress, why does she dress like Alex P. Keaton? Shut up, Kim, you just want attention." -- Wing Chun] Kyle goes first and poses in a sleek suit with a big top hat. She looks okay, but Jay says that he's not getting soft and feminine out of her. Kim, on the other hand, is looking super-foxy. Jay screams, "Don't get cocky now," and Kim counters, "Believe me, I won't." She interviews that she knew she could do this and work both her masculinity and femininity. Jay marvels that the seemingly masculine girl could make a suit look feminine while the feminine girl couldn't pull it off.
Cassandra interviews that she doesn't mind having Jayla as a partner because she seemed a little weak at the last elimination. Oh, go restock the spoon-straws by the Slurpee machine, Betty Lou. I think Jayla looks kind of awkward, but Jay and the photographer seem to like it. Jay tells Cassandra to slouch a little bit, and not to be so prissy and forced. Cassandra interviews that she always sits up very straight with her shoulders back, so she couldn't hunch successfully. Jay says that working with Cassandra wasn't a "super-joy" because he felt like they kept trying to make her into a model. Isn't that kind of the point of the show? Jay murmurs, "She needs a miracle," as Cassandra interviews that she thinks she did well at the shoot and hopes that it will compensate for her crappy attitude at the makeovers.
Tyra Mail! Someone is going to be eliminated. The girls hang out in the hot tub and discuss. Ebony says that all the other girls are so pretty and they make her feel like the ugliest person in the house sometimes. Sometimes? Oh, I guess when Lisa's not in the room. Lisa then forcefully points and says sternly, "I told you guys in the beginning I was gonna win this." Oh, Lisa. Take a pretty pill and we'll discuss this again in the morning. Lisa always has an ominous plastic cup in her hand, because she totally loves the boozing. She interviews that she doesn't think she's the to go at all and thinks that the judges can see how driven she is. She yells in the hot tub in kind of a southern accent that she doesn't think the other girls know what she had to do to get that far. She is so weird. But even weirder is Cassandra, who interviews that if modeling doesn't work out, she'll definitely go back to pageants: "That really helps you develop as a woman where modeling is just more of a...career." Oh, those evil careers! And some of them don't even have a swimsuit competition or require you to put Vaseline on your teeth. ["That remark was such a brilliant retort to all those bitches who are like, 'Miss America's a scholarship competition!' No it ain't." -- Wing Chun]
After commercials, we return to the judging panel with a photo of Tyra vs. herself, one with giant weave and one with cornrows. She tells the girls that they got glamorous makeovers and also had to suffer through that personal-style bullshit. She reviews the prizes and reintroduces the judges. Jay has that corsage on again, and Twiggy is wearing an animal-print blazer and looks lovely. James St. James is the guest judge and looks better when not in the giant orange clown dress. Tyra tells the girls that each will be judged against her partner for the photo shoot.
Nigel tells both Coryn and Sarah as the approach that they need to show more confidence. Tyra notes that Coryn's outfit does not match her new, more sophisticated personal style, and Miss J. gives her a ticket for a fashion violation. He is really full of the gimmicks. I miss Janice's gimmick, which was "mean." They review the photos, and Twiggy praises Sarah's haircut, which has totally transformed her. The judges also love Coryn's close-up, and Miss J. notes that she looks a little like Tyra. Tyra says that she sees it and secretly starts worrying about her testosterone levels.
Kim and Kyle are . Twiggy loves the way Kim moves as well as her unique style. I guess Twiggy has never been to a dyke bar. Tyra loves Kyle's makeover. She tells Kim that she would like to see her in a photo with her face forward. Nigel says that Kyle has all that it takes to be a model but doesn't have to try so hard.
Cassandra and Jayla approach. Nigel says that he is in love with Cassandra's new look, which I find odd. ["Tyra told him to say that so that Cassandra would believe she could still be attractive to straight men, of whom Nigel is the first to see her in this episode." -- Wing Chun] Tyra says that she's not happy with it because it's not what she told the stylists to do. She wants the really close cropped Mia Farrow look, to highlight Cassandra's face. Twiggy notes that she used to have long hair and was in shock for about a week after she got her signature short cut, but that it changed her life. Tyra says that if Cassandra lasts the week, they're going to give her the cut Tyra intended. They then basically tell her that she's failed miserably at her personal style, because she has. The judges don't like Jayla's makeover either, saying that the hair weighs her down. Tyra tells her that if she lasts a week she'll get it cut off as well, and Jayla takes it in stride. Twiggy notes that Jayla was squinting in her shot and Jayla says that she has extremely sensitive eyes. Tyra gives her the old modeling trick of closing your eyes for three seconds then opening them with a "bam!" when it's time for the shot. Nigel speculates that Cassandra still wasn't over her hair during her shoot. She says she was but guesses it didn't come off that way. She sounds totally defeated, which is kind of amusing.
The judges want Ebony to show off the sexiness of her braids, which she had pulled back for panel. She lets her hair down and flings it around enthusiastically, which the judges love. The entire panel is disappointed with Ebony's photo, in which she has several braids covering her face. Miss J. says, "Hair in the face is for ugly girls." The judges give Lisa a tongue bath for her photo even though she looks cross-eyed. She tells the judges how she's posed incessantly in the mirror since she was seven, which maybe explains some of her personality deficiencies. The other models kind of roll their eyes at her.
James St. James notes that Nicole has a real sex-kitten look about her and makes him think naughty things. Nigel says, "I'm glad you said that. I could never get away with that." I don't like it when Nigel gets creepy. The judges like Diane's look, with the exception of her giant belt. Everyone loves Nicole's photo, and Nigel says it's the best of anyone so far. Twiggy and James both want to run out and get the outfit she's wearing in the photo. Twiggy chirps, "I saw it first!" Tyra says that Diane is too reserved, and that she'd like Diane to bring more life to the photos. Miss J. says that it looks like she's not comfortable with her body, but that she is in fact in the competition because of her body. Interesting.
The judges once again tell Nik to put her crazy curly hair all around. I can see why she'd want to pull it back, because it must be annoying to her, but she really looks great with it down. Her photo gets high praise from the judges, and deservedly so. On Bre, Miss J. says, "That's black Town and Country, babycakes." Tyra sends the girls off so that the judges can deliberate as we cut to commercials.
And Lisa won Cover Girl of the Week last week, perhaps because of her awesome comment about Sarah's crazy cantaloupe lips.
We return to the judges' discussion. Twiggy thinks Cassandra's photo isn't quite there yet, but she's still rooting for her. Nigel thinks Cassandra is a bit lost as a person. James says that she sometimes looks a little pinched, like she just ate a pickle. The judges give Jayla an A for effort and a C for actual results. They are also sad that Diane doesn't fit into the jolly, fat mold that they spent all that extra plastic making. James also thinks she's ungainly. Twiggy praises Nicole to the high heavens. Miss J. says that he thinks Kyle looks like a socialite's daughter. Twiggy adds that models all used to be socialites' daughters in England until she came along in the 1960s, and that she was the first working-class model. Tyra says, "We don't say 'working-class,' we say 'ghetto.'" Tyra Banks: model, producer, talk-show host, and Professor of Socioeconomics. Twiggy says in a cute British accent that she guesses she's "ghet-to." Tyra laughs her ghetto laugh. James says that some girls have no bad angle, but that Kim isn't one of them. Miss J. loves the fluidity of Lisa's body. The judges hate Ebony's shot, and Miss J. says that she looks like she needs an enema. Of all people, he should know. James St. James says that Coryn is going for Beyoncé but gets RuPaul. Sarah's photo looks like an ad for St. John. Bre gets a big meh all around while Twiggy praises Nik's everything, but especially her bottom. Who knew Twiggy was an ass man?
The girls return to learn their fate. Tyra says that they picked the strongest of each of the double-photographs, and that those girls are first in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. Each of the winners gets to see her photo as if it were in a magazine spread, complete with porny titles. Cassandra is called first as we see her photo entitled, "Hay Stack Honeys." is Nicole, who worked the "Pretty Peasants" page. Coryn wins with her "Rustic Ruffles" look, and I rue the fact that I used up all of my she-nis jokes last season. Kim of the "Haunting Haberdasheries" is called . "Haunting Haberdasheries" is also the subheading for the upcoming Top Model Halloween Catwalk of Terror, which is coincidentally the episode that will feature Janice Dickinson's return. "Farm Hand Fatales" Lisa is followed by "Country Couture" Nik.
The six losers remain. One will go home. But before she does, Tyra calls Bre, Jayla, Sarah and Kyle. Ebony and Diane are left. Tyra, after her typical drawn-out prelude, says that the judges see a gorgeous face and beautiful body in Diane, but haven't seen those features captured in a photo. Tyra says that Ebony was impressive in casting because she was so obsessed with modeling, but that the judges think that maybe it's just a dream for her. And so it is that Diane gets a photo and Ebony, my secret favorite on the basis of personality alone, gets a teary farewell from the other girls. She handles her exit with grace and dignity, saying that she's heartbroken -- that modeling is her dream, and that it's hard to hear the judges say that her dream might not become a reality. She says that she's taking it all as a learning experience, and that even though this door has closed for her, she's going to go knock on twenty others until someone says yes. She says that she'll be okay, and that she's taken her first step toward becoming a top model and has lots of steps to go. She exits House of Top Model, and her already barely visible photo fades from the group shot. I hope she realizes that modeling is crap and goes to college, because I think she deserves better.
Coming up on ANTM: "a vision in flippers" teaches the girls how to runway walk, and Kim and Sarah enjoy some topless shenanigans in the pool, and also perhaps sex.