Over 103,000 people: now we're down to 72. Today we're getting solo performances with a band and singers, and an instrument if they like. And the judges don't say anything, just look at you, but deep inside you know. Then they put them all in those rooms and dick them around a bit, and then tomorrow comes the Chair to kick off the last 18 kids, I think, and that's Top 36. Then it's three weeks of Boy/Girl/Whatever You Got, and then three Wild Cards on the last Thursday; so this means that Top 12 actually starts March 10. Or something.
First up: Adam Lambert, whom Kara found to be too musical theatre still. Paula agreed, but then disagreed with herself. Simon didn't seem to like him that much, but he's clearly talented and can make money. Ryan blanches when he says he's chosen to sing "Believe" by Cher; he assures us it won't be horrible, and then it sort of is. Of course, it's horrible in the most fascinating way, like one of those sad slow piano covers everybody must do from time to time, and I can't say I didn't ask for these kinds of mash-up outside-the-box ideas. It's a little cooler in concept than it could ever be in execution, which seems to be Adam's specialty. Good thing his voice is Broadway-trained, even if it's a bit sharp throughout. Also, it is a good thing that he is a lady.
Do you believe in life after Adam Lambert? Matt Giraud, the Louisville dueling-pianist who reminded Simon of Elliott. He sings "Georgia On My Mind" on the piano, and rocks it out. Kara is amazed. Kara is also, I should point out, dressed like the witch girl from that comic book Runaways. It's wicked hot. Afterward, he almost cries. I get nothing from him. Were I a drug-sniffing dog, he would be the negative-space duffle bag that would make me cry and roll over and worry that my nose had gone blind. But who cares about any of this when Danny Gokey exists somewhere in the world? Let's find out.
Danny Gokey watched Jamar sing the worst song ever written, "Hey There Delilah," in a sort of irritating faux-cracked way with a horrible smile, dressed like the "Hey Ya" video. Maybe it's good; that song makes me want to vomit and I didn't, so that's a good sign. But who cares about Jamar? It's Danny's turn. He'll be singing his usual Archuleta-esque dead wife choice of "I Hope You Dance"; I checked out. He's real cute but he does have that mushmouth, and seems to think that he inspires us with everything he does to try harder, to believe more, and the like. In a child of Archuleta's age, it was marginally nauseating. For a forty-year-old man like Danny, it's straight-up gross. And I feel that we will never know a very important thing: how much of him is just naturally pander, and how much is the evil of this show? I could end up getting pretty mean until we figure it out for sure, but I'm pretty sure there's an It he could be Cutting Out.
Kai's in Room 2, his hair is still a huge problem, and his voice has been ruined by the process; Roughneck's still hot as hell, but his nerves are getting to him and his pitch is more questionable than previously. Paula and Kara kiss Simon goodbye; he ditches them to deal with the screaming rooms. Ryan's like, "No matter what? Freakouts." They are Gryffindor, because they are full of themselves but not that smart: here's Nate, whispering quickly and unceasingly to himself about nothing at all. Paula comes in seeming broken-hearted, and Nate loses his mind; Kara gets way dramatic about it, giving up the jig way early, but they all freak out and start crying anyway, and then Kara screams that they're okay. Nate makes fifty times the ass of himself as anybody else, of course; also there, acting as extras in the movie of his life: Alexis, Kenny, Casey, Kai, Arianna, Jasmine, Von, Stephen, Nathaniel, and the hotly weeping Roughneck. Which, yeah, is basically half the people we've ever met that aren't assclowns.
Room 3, which has just been demoralized by the screams of Room 2 getting through. India was the glue, although we still have never heard her sing. Her solo is pacing and sad and weird and sort of ... lonely. Little Castro's in there -- while Randy goes on and on, and finally dumps them -- and India, Kaylen and the now seriously broken Leneshe.
Room 1: Lambert and Silver Lake cuddle creepily, and then Paula comes in looking possessed. Ravenclaw is the most obvious room so I won't waste time: overthought Lambert and Silver Lake, Mathlete Anoop, way-overwrought Danny and Jamar, Drama Mama and Giraud, a blonde girl we met earlier, and of course Blind Guy, Lil Rounds and Scott MacIntyre.
Room 4, which is a bunch of people we've never seen, plus Tatiana and Normund, Bear Porn, Creepy Gay Cody, Anne Marie, people named Jackie and TK, Ju'Not, that super-cute blonde guy with the beard to whom we've never been introduced. The judges try to do their fake-out about how it might be the end of the road, but Tatiana -- being both teepee and wigwam as usual -- crawls up all three of their asses and fucks everything up yet again for everybody. Finally, just totally tired of her bullshit, Bear Porn Matt raises his hand and is like, "So that's a no? I can get the hell away from this hosebeast?" And Paula, disappointed, explains that it's a yes. I could almost be mad at Bear Porn, except really it's just Tatiana that ruins everything everywhere all the time forever and ever.