A bunch of people cried and that one awful girl wouldn't stop yelling at Ellen and making an ass of herself. I can't imagine anything more embarrassing in this entire world. I would kill myself if I so much as dropped like a receipt on the sidewalk in front of Ellen. Even if I noticed immediately and picked it up, I would still feel terrible about how Ellen almost saw me litter.
Thad is still in agony, seven people made it through and so we talk about them some more, and have to see Katelyn's horrible outfit one more time, and then a bunch of people praying, and Tim is I think bitching about how he wishes he was the first in there just so he could find out -- And speaking of, guess who finally friended me on Facebook? I'll give you two hints: 1) He is mentally ill and 2) I am in love with him -- and we join Janell, mid-"American Boy," where Simon admitted that he didn't really remember her, and then the crummy Group Day and flat-as-fuck final solo, which ashamed her totally. I can't wait for her to get through and be all pretty some more. Ellen tries to impress upon her that yes, this stupid show is stressful, but also shit happens constantly that she has yet to find out the sad truth about, then kind of loses track of what she's saying to Janell, and finally puts her through. Girl #4.
They have really found a chemistry winner with this "Ellen dicks them around" thing. I mean, it's getting old, but it was already old because this show has been on the air for sixteen years and they've always done it. I mean, I would rather have cute Ellen doing it than Randy's stuttering weird ass. Janell tells Ryan "If I were Bikini Girl I would kiss you right now!" and then his testicles retract all the way back over the Bering Strait, then Janell says she doesn't give a fuck about her day job. Each part of that is pretty awesome.
Tyler Grady is very sexy when he sings, but then turns back into a little child when he's done singing. He's like Shazam, only it's uncomfortable. Also uncomfortable is Kara crawling all over his crazy-looking face and talking about his "moves" and he explains that he studies rock performance videos for "moves," and then sort of offers to fuck Kara unconscious, and Kara says that's great and that he is Boy #5. Then he does the fakeout thing, but in a totally better way where he comes out and shakes Ryan's hand instead of screaming or pretend-crying, and even Ryan is impressed.
Coming up: Some terrifying-looking trashy girl makes it to the Chair for the second time, and Crystal goes into labor and gives birth to her sixth bastard right there on the Chair so they will put her through, and I just bet they do, because this season babies are sooo magical!
Babies are the new dead people.
Ryan's hair is stiff as a board and light as a feather. Because it is Ryan, this is fetching and clever. I can't imagine any other thing for his hair to do in this, the best of all possible Ryan Seacrest hair worlds. But if it suddenly cut that shit out, this too would be beautiful.
So the horrible eyeliner ghoul is named Lacey Brown, and she was Top 50 last year, and most horribly of all was enChaired to -- and effectively though not really, gave up her seat to -- Megan Joy. Megan Joy! And her ass shows her face back up in this bitch again. Unconscionable! Plus, she looks like a shoplifter granny. Simon tells her that the lady half of the competition is way tough this year, and then puts her monster-looking self through to the Top 24. She responds by putting on fifty more giant ugly watches and singing just like Megan Joy wearing a substitute art teacher costume and then waddling off with a stash of Kools in the pocket of her "housecoat."
A-Rod! We don't see one second of it, but I don't care! Girlfriend is through! Ashley Rodriguez, I adore you! (That shit's gonna get real fun, and I'll tell you exactly when: The exact moment that somebody steps out to be the Lambert/Cook/Yamin and all those crazy Feelings Girls start twittering and livejournaling about how I'm always slobbering over her and have no journalistic integrity and don't even understand music. AKA, the totally greatest part of every season.) Also Alex Lambert and Joe Munoz, who maybe you know who they are but all I really can remember right now is that they seem to catch Alex bitching a lot. Lacey is still singing while they put these people through. Thad is sort of "always a bridesmaid" right now. I can't believe there are still seven left to find out. That's so many!
That song "Seven," is that about drugs? Or Jesus? It's always about Jesus, even the elevator or the doves crying are always Jesus or the Devil or whatever. Oh! Got it. Seven Sins. Never mind, sorry. I just high-fived me from high school for finally figuring that one out. High School Me, sidenote: Do more drugs and have a lot more sex because once things start actually having consequences, you are in for it.
Crystal Bowersox kept blowing people away with her wonderful voice and incredible musical talent, and how it was so freaky compared to her rotting brown teeth and nasty dreads and holes all up in her face everywhere, and inability to count or know what she's doing. She's like, "It's so intense because American Idol is huge, like, three million people watch it." Lordy.
So Simon tells her that she gives the obvious impression that she's too good for this show, in her mind, and I have to say that I agree. In the meanest way possible, I agree with her that she is too good for this show. Then they put her through, which makes me so very happy at the same time, because she's so good. Then she pulls out the picture of her child, like, you already got through, dick, though maybe she's just locking into their brains to remember the stupid kid and not get distracted by her horrible appearance, and Randy calls her "Mama Sox," because guess what two things you're going to be dealing with for the rest of your lifetime are: 1) Crystal's teeth and 2) Crystal's effing baby. Randy J will carry that weight all on his own if necessary, and you know he will too. Like how when anybody is sixteen he looks at their face and just sees a giant Sesame Street number? Like that, but with a baby.
Coming up is Angela Martin having her two-thousandth worst day in a row, but first: Lindsey Vonn has a hangnail! No, sorry, Lindsey Vonn has been beheaded! Wait... Lindsey Vonn has just accidentally had her foot amputated! She's going to be one-legging this one! No... I'm hearing that actually, it was the other foot they were trying to amputate, Katie. If you can believe that. So the judges are saying... What they're saying is that it means she'll be taking this time trial on her FACE. America's Champion, ladies and gentleman. She's going to strap one man's ski to her face, and bring home the Gold. If she doesn't end up flying directly into the engine of a jet plane on her way to the finish. And now, back to other people sliding down a mountain.
Pictures, pictures of the 14 people we know about and just found out about, and Katie tells us about her grandmother once again, and bleep-bloop once again, and then she was totally awesome in her first audition, adorable in the critique, rocked her Group, and then was just lovely as all get out in her solo. More grandma talk, this time with a huge dumb thing in her hair, and a very nervous journey to the Chair. Ellen's like, "You are just about shitting your culottes right now, aren't you? I love positivity and making people happy, especially adorable half-baby half-puppy children-girls like yourself." Katie begins to fold in on herself like a dying star, but Ellen puts her through and gets a pretty great hug in response. I love how Katie talks like she's been slowed down or straight sippin' sizzurp, like all the time, and as she's leaving Simon effectively goes, "How's your grandma? Hopefully her brain isn't yet Swiss cheese and she will be cognizant of this day for a bit." She just stares at him and wonders why he's so British, and then remembers that for them, that's like he just brought her a cup of hot cocoa amounts of tenderness/social acuity.
Eyebrows/Muscles Guy, the horrible no-good girl with the horrible no-good glasses, fucking Joben Jabnar Jurgens, a headband, a blonde, more hugs and crying for Jubert, and more crying headband. It's like five AM or the day after the atom bomb or something and what's left of Angela is, for the third time, horrid mental hospital bangs and all, doing her best in many rounds and then becoming fantastic in her style but not impressing Simon with her solo. In other news, her ass is stunning.
Angela tells us the fucking unending tragedy of her entire life one more time, and it's just as laugh-out-loud horrible as every other time we've heard this hot mess -- which I won't duplicate because you can probably recite it yourself, but involves jailtime and seizures and private charities and basically every governmental agency down to like the Forest Service -- and finally she's like, "My four-year-old daughter didn't steal any cars or set any churches on fire and I didn't enter into any suicide pacts this year, so it's been a very different audition process." Doesn't stop her from crying like she's just seen a kitten murdered before she even gets to the Chair. Kara goes to sit in her lap and hug her to death so that she can feed off the emotion of ONCE AGAIN NOT PUTTING ANGELA THROUGH! THAT IS AMAZING! Everybody hugs her and feels just terrible about it, Ryan nearly has a breakdown, and then I'm guessing Angela just walks the fuck out of there and into the oncoming traffic.
Just put Haeley through. Just put her through because watching them do this to Angela every year is wearing at my soul, and I got stiffed on A-Rod getting through, so just put Haeley through right now and I will forgive you. Or squish Old Lady Lilly like a grape, that would do it too:
"You have a great voice, but your clothes -- and the fact that on purpose you have dyed your hair that gray-purply-old-lady-color like you're in a community college performance of Arsenic & Old Lace -- makes us want to slap you so hard that we couldn't possibly be unbiased as the season progresses. It will be less painful for you to leave now, in the long run. I know it doesn't seem like that now, but one day you're going to look back and be glad that you've only been on TV twice looking like this."
8:25 PM. The Chair is not the same without the Elevator getting them down. Lilly's Kelly Osborne face opens and White Girl Bessie Smith comes quirking out of there. Down below, gross purple tights like veins; up high, a whole peacock died to make you look horrible. And some brown eyeshadow and nude lipstick and pissing off Pianist Michael to complete the deal. She is just all mess, all the time. Later on she put on some OTHER ugly purple varicose tights and a sleeveless Rhythm Nation 1812/Emerald City Guard top... And rainbow crocheted scrunchies for her earrings, which is just hurtful.