up is/was/will be Crystal Bowersox, the horrible personality attached to a prodigious talent. Looks like she's growing out those dreads, and in addition does a fucking fantastic cover of "If It Makes You Happy," which is one of those songs I love and can't explain, but it means that a cover of it has to leap not one but two hurdles. So, way to go there. If it sounds that awesome, it can't be that bad. But why do your hair and affect and general demeanor, why the hell do they make me so sad?
Also in her room is Alex Lambert, who did an annoying ukulele cover at some point in the past or future, pissed off the group of assholes he was in (Mary Powers/nuff said), and ended up impressing them anyway. Then he uked it up once again on this day, I guess today, doing that song that was on a phone commercial. You know how Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz are the same person? He did that song. And then did Big Mike Lynche, and he was great, too. Check out all these good songs! What show are we watching?
Todrick sucks in all ways except he is good at singing, which is lucky because of where we are right now. I wish he would pop those fucking contacts out and then do some ninja flips through the air. I mean, if you're already singing Jason Mraz, I say Bring the fuck It.
But in Room Two, Thaddeus Johnson's mother was still echoing in everybody's ears because of the constant support and screaming she likes to give her son. He's flipping out and crying, and there's mommy wiping away her tears. He admits to being a momma's boy, but you know what I say: If you know it's a problem, it needs to stop being a problem. Then the band starts playing "Bubbly," which is not the right song, and Simon just adores the gay shade he sent pianist Michael's way. They talk about how sassy he is, and then Thad goes "E Flat" and sings "Man In The Mirror." It's pretty awesome, even if it were edited down to seem more amazing, but I must say that I have changed my mind about old Thad. He really blows the crowd, especially Mommy, away. I'm proud of him. I hope he makes it, but he will go home week if he does. You can be Ruben or you can be Clay but you can't be both.
Some people feel feelings and whatever and make fucked-up faces. Like Charity Vance, who is blonde and may or may not matter. She sings a song about being set free and let be, and really means it in a way that's sort of compelling, in an unflattering skirt. Then there's worship pastor Tasha, who I remember liking but that's it. She sang "The Scientist" beautifully in her quasi-Bessie voice, but we didn't get to see that. This maybe happened in the past or is happening. You already can't tell with that song.
Mary Fucking Powers tells us about her whole life and how everything is going to change; we remember what a fucking string of graduated-size anal beads she was during Group Week, and then tells Ryan that she's not intimidated, but intimidating, and then sings... Katy Perry. Ladies and Gents, my work here is done. She's already the worst, and then let's go ahead and sprinkle some worse on top. Mary Powers singing Katy Perry. Drink it in. Eat it up, suck it down, stick your finger in it and see if it needs salt.
Mary Powers went on American Idol and sang a Katy Perry song. The Aristocrats!
Lloyd Thomas fingered his wedding ring and "like Mary, was focused on the bigger picture." He cries about his wife and kids that he left home, and then Marys it right up like he had to leave them behind in a wartorn nation. He fucks up "Mirror" and sounds like he's having a sausage-wrapped heart attack.
Then comes White Cop Guy, who we can't hear enough about, and his stupid hair was there and Simon snapped fingers at him and he was wearing dumb Gokey glasses, so who knows? Not White Cop Guy.
Ryan talks about some people like we know who they are, and they try to remind us that we know who they are based on clips of Kara telling them they were the best of all time, which -- guess what -- does not narrow it down.
Hope, who I liked until she trashed out on Group Day, takes her trashface right up there in a knitted cap and talks like Jamie Pressley is playing her in the story of her life, and then she sings that DAUGHTRY song about going home that you might have heard once or fucking twice. I hate when they do that, like, what if your life really is this show and you don't know about the world outside? Maybe that's good, maybe it makes you horrible. For more than half, I would say horrible.
In Room Three are Didi Benami, Angela Martin, and some other people. Nosejob-looking Shelby was the one with the paralyzed face who forgot the words but was utterly charming. Ellen is in love with her and her face, but it still doesn't help her remember the words of any song every written. It doesn't help that she's forgetting the words of "More Than A Feeling," which is a very personal thing for me that we don't need to get into right now, and she was wearing this weird Out Of Africa earthtone outfit while Pianist Michael tried to pull her together on her own behalf. Did it work?
Don't let the door knock you absolutely all the way to hell on your way out, Mary Powers.
So Room Three is Ashley, Haeley, and some nervous people. Randy gives the speech to this room, which almost makes it mean less when you get through. Shelby is there, Jaren and I'm not sure who else, and Kara takes over -- yes, they are sharing a personality this year, I was right -- and tells them they're through. Maddie, Janell, horrible Sam, John Park, Jessica F, and tragic Angela Martin are all through. So then both groups run out into the hallway and hug each other, and that's when...
THE EPISODE ENDS. I have been doing this bullshit since I was a little small child and don't remember the names of the people most of the time, but even I know that this is where the episode ends. They run into the hallway and yell and then do those gay dances in front of the camera. So what the hell? I can't wait to find out what happens . Seems they go sing -- some more -- and some stuff happens and Todrick gets the shit beat out of him and Jessica Furney loses it and John Park looks scared and Jareb looks troubled and horrible, and Big Mike cries, and Ryan is just lying and lying about how they're revealing the Top 24. I wish they were, but then there would be no Chair and I do love the Chair...
So basically what I'm saying to you today is that I'm on the edge of my seat to find out -- not who's getting through, not about seeing more auditions, not about seeing what outfits John Park will be wearing -- but in fact exactly how they are going to stretch this shit another hour.
Think about it: That's what we're waiting for. That's it. We'd be fine if this episode ended here, but it's not ending, and I need to find out why. So that I can calm down and stop worrying about it and have answers for my questions about not the show but the way the show actually works. And meanwhile there's Lost airing right now, which we watch for the exact same reason, and I'm missing it for this reason, but I won't be going to bed after this like a sensible person because I have to watch Lost on the night, because the internet won't fucking shut up about that show and even my Google Alerts can't be trusted on Tuesdays because as a person named Jacob who is television-adjacent and enjoys recreational self-Googling as a private activity, Lost and Twilight have completely fucked me. And meanwhile apparently they're just having the Olympics every single month of every year now, because the Olympics are also on. AGAIN. Have I been drinking for four solid years? I can believe that. (Suck it, Sasha Cohen!) But probably it's just the pretend Olympics where they skate and ice dance and have curling and that's why I'm confused. Oh, and that one where you ski and then shoot guns and ski, that one's amazing.
Ryan says it will work like this: Everybody in one room, then they walk all the way to the judges and sit in the Chair on the stage -- stressful! -- without benefit of elevator. They drink out of their new orange cups that Ryan points out, and then Big Mike is just about to go in there but suddenly dresses like a hired killer in a Tim Burton movie and starts crying. Everybody cheers because of his stupid baby, and then he goes down the stairs and tells us once again how meaningful everything is, and sits in the Chair -- Remember all the awesome songs he sang? I sort of do, and so does Ryan because here they all are one more time, in even thinner snapshot seconds than before -- and everybody thinks about babies some more and Mike sweats from walking down a hallway, and then Simon messes with him and tells him he has confidence problems and they talk about that forever and ever but finally put him through and send him off to hug Ryan, but meanwhile the internet is like, "But his dad told the world that he made Top 24! So he got fired!" But I still don't think that he will get kicked off in the end, because he's one of the most talented people, so we'll say he's in. #1 Boy is Michael Lynche, who irritated Ellen by picking her, along with everybody else, up in the air.
Wonderful Didi, who sang the pretty Kara song and cried in her first audition, had the best friend who passed away. Which segues grossly into the Sarah McLachlan song, like she's singing it to her dead friend -- or maybe she is, which is Gokey-esque -- and then she tells us more about her dead friend's feelings about her being on American Idol, and then Simon asks her how she thinks she did, and of course she breaks down yet again. Simon tells her she has good and bad moments, that she's inconsistent but wonderful when she's on top... And that she's #1 Girl, by unanimous vote. She screams about how great Kara's song is, and they have a love fest about how great she is. That makes me happy. Then she goes out to Ryan, and -- guess what -- cries some more.
Katelyn Epperly -- she's cute, and nice voice, but every single thing about her name is misspelled and I additionally feel like she's trouble in a Jessica Sierra way, and I think Simon agrees -- did a much more powerful job with "Something To Talk About" in Hollywood, though the judges weren't feeling her, so then in Group Day she did a better job. She has such distractingly great Felicity hair that it's hard to concentrate on what she's doing; or maybe it's her incredibly fucking boring story about her parents' divorce. Which I mean, that is rough for you personally, but also not something that distinguishes their marriage from the more than half that end in divorce. Then in this latest round, she sucked and put on a dumb hat to match her hideous romper, but Ellen dicked around and was adorable with her and jerked her first left then right and then left again, and finally she was #2 Girl. Even Ellen can't believe how long she kept that hackysack of cruelty in the air.
Shelby is wigging out because there are only ten spots left, and because she fucked up "More Than A Feeling" for the most part. God, this song makes me feel feelings. She tells us how overwhelmed she is, and then takes a long time getting down there to the Chair, mixed with banjo sentiments and tears of her crying in another interview about how emotionally drained she is. It's unbearable on many levels. She has no answer to them about how she did this week, and there's babbling, and Randy is talking to her so it's babbling squared and you wonder if this is ever happening, and then she's cut. Ellen feels bad about cutting her, and Simon straight up is like, "That was the wrong call." She really would have gone far, I think. So Shelby continues to be inspiring and lovely, and that's the end of her.
Ellen is looking, at this point in the day, like this is killing her heart. Casey James goes blah-blah-blah some more, because mouth open/shirt on is the worst possible combination for him and yet it's always happening. But then we get to remember his actual auditions, which are absolutely wonderful, and there's a stupid clip of Kara getting all sexy on him, and then a wonderful part where Ellen whispers, "He has his hair down for ya," and Kara nods, in all fake seriousness, "Nice. Nice." It's hilarious and charming and basically true, all at once. Simon asks him what town he is from, and he says it's between two towns nobody has also heard of, and they all gabber at each other for awhile, and Kara finally puts him through. #2 Boy. His personality is so off-putting it nearly outweighs his talent. (Taylorhickssaidwhat?)
Tiny little mush-faced Aaron Kelly -- Which is not even really a real name, like, why not just call yourself John Smith or 50-Pound White Bond or Shelled Cashews? -- was great until Group Day, when he forgot the words. In case you suffer from forgetting also, we have already covered this three times. Three. So Simon is not convinced, but on his solo performance apparently he was fine. Aaron wasn't sure he had what they were looking for, but he does have a great voice and a Chicken Little/A-Fed kind of thing happening. Katy Perry can introduce him to an acne treatment and then he'll be golden. #3 Boy.
One cut and five through. If you told me we still had an hour and a half left I would probably believe you. Lee Dewyze did not impress Simon at any time. He has a lovely voice but his face is instant-punching material, and he seems to favor plaid. Oh man, his face pisses me off. So he sits in the Chair and Kara tells him his voice is Great Big but that his confidence is Small Little, and Lee tells her she's totally wrong and he has confidence and total star power and is totally amazing and great in his own opinion, but he says this in even more words and acts totally self-conscious and the opposite of what he's saying and generally rock-stupid and pointless... And then apparently he squeaks. #4 Boy.
Jessica fights Simon about it some more, and he's like, "Girl, it has been decided," and she refuses to shut up and goes to the insecure place of asking for "advice" so she can fight them about that, too, which is hideous, and Ellen tells her she's going to survive, and Jessica fights her on that, too, because she has lost the plot and Simon points out what an asshole she's being, and Randy rises to her transparent challenge, and finally, finally, Simon tells her to GTFO. So then she goes and whines to the cameras and Ryan's like, "Aww." But he doesn't mean it, because she's clearly worn everybody the hell out. This is what we were avoiding when we put Mary Powers in that room, they think. Then she finds another cameraman to endlessly yap at, and then finally leaves. Walking, I'm sure, down the street far enough to where people don't know to get the fuck out of her way so she won't bitch at them so she can bitch at them.
So those are your seven of the Top 24: Big Mike, Katelyn, Didi, Casey, Aaron Kelly, Dweezil, Todrick. Ten girls to go, and seven guys. Hopefully the guys will not all be totally obnoxious, but you never know with this show. I hope that John Park and Andrew get through. Yes, neck tattoos and all.
I guess the message is don't get pregnant because your boyfriend or husband might go be on a game show, but even more importantly don't ever, EVER beg. There is not a situation in this universe that is helped by begging. Find another way. Because the second they see you sweat is the second they know you're working them, and if they know you're working them, you won't be. See you tomorrow night. Hopefully they won't suddenly make it three hours and nine minutes long or whatever, because my DVR is already dropping very important shit (The Good Wife, that S&M magical forest show, Kell On Earth) and I don't have time to be duplicating its effort. And like "I don't even watch that much TV!"
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