Ryan spares a few seconds on mourning Didi before Ellen names her favorite Lennon/McCartney songs: "Blackbird" (of course), "Michelle," "Come Together," "Daytripper," "Across The Universe," and of course perennial favorite "Party In The USA." She's already looking tired of this shit. Kara, as a songwriter, tells us that the songs are meaningful and relevant -- that arguably they are among the best melodies ever created. Simon agrees that the songs are awesome -- although Randy thinks we'll see some highs and lows -- and he thinks that the whole "artistry" thing here is going to be sticky, because some songs can take a beating and other ones can't. I just hope Andrew eats gravel. That's literally all I want.
First up is Aaron Kelly, who as the gay A-Fed will obviously be singing no doubt something from the "Michelle"/"If I Fell" cheesy Early Beatles end of the spectrum. My least favorite Beatles thing, which sucks because it's like 60% of the total oeuvre. Although you know, he does try that country shit every week, so he might do something more troubadourish and strummy. I would die to hear him sing "Norwegian Wood." I hope somebody sings "Norwegian Wood." I've always loved that song a great deal, because it's... Pretty much the story of my conception. (Thanks, TMI Mom!) Being something of a giant ho myself, I've always found that story very romantic.
"Simon, Be Nice!" posters, complete with baby pictures of Ryan. If anything will remind you to be wonderful in all aspects of life, it's Ryan. He's always watching! Big Mike tells us Aaron has Jedi Mind Tricks, and Katie explains that they call him Yoda, and mock everything that he says with a Yoda voice. There's a pretty phenomenal montage of him doing Yoda things -- floating in the air meditating courtesy of Mike, summoning a Coke can (COCA-COLA! TASTES GOOD IN YOUR MOUTH!) with mental power -- and then they all bring it back to talk about how he really is like Yoda, because he's so powerful and strange.
"The Long & Winding Road" is his pick, so yeah. It's nice to know we're getting a handle on them. The arrangement is amazingly OTT-cheesy, like if David Archuleta got caught between the moon and New York City. Sadly, his voice can't compete with the bombastic arrangement, and shit gets real Star Search real fast. Flat, tone's all wavery, just terrible. You know, between the title and o'erweening influence of Dancing With The Stars, and this whole bullshit 3-D revolution, it was already feeling pretty Early '80s in America, but this is just unconscionable. I hope he wins the night, I really do. That shit was sickening.
Ellen calls it a "long and winding song," which is accurate, and even Jackson calls it "sleepy." Kara says that his talent is not up to snuff with his ambition -- such as they are -- and that he's giving the same shit every week. He says that he has a plan to be interesting week, and Simon asks why he chose the song. Then, awesomely, he calls Aaron "Sweetie" without irony or forethought, like, he honestly looks at Aaron and goes, "Sweetie, talk into your microphone." I love Simon so, so much.
Aaron explains that he didn't want to sully the song by making it interesting in any way, and Simon goes, "I wish I hadn't asked that" (I hope Simon's this distracted/candid/beautiful all night!) before moving on to his point, which is that he is Katie Stevens and needs to cut it out. The crowd goes Teabagger on him, freaking out the entire Judgery, and then Ryan asks if Aaron "believed" in the song. A meaningless question deserves a meaningless answer: "Definitely. I definitely 'believed.'"
up is Katie, wearing a rocker face and a whole neon pink overaccessorized nightmare clubbing outfit. I think we deserve an apology for constantly telling her to skew younger, if this is the kind of shit that results. What if Katie goes Sanjaya on us tonight? Then will you love her as I love her? And what song will she pick? One of those awful story songs about an octopus or a hammer or an attractive female member of the working class, I bet. And what will they say about her in the intro package?
"Katie catches rats for her supper and then chases them down with strawberry milk and Pinkberry." "Katie can sink a three-pointer with her eyes closed, using echolocation." "Katie knows pi to one thousand decimal places. It is her ATM PIN." "Katie is able to metabolize melange into the Water of Life, a ritual known as the 'spice agony.' Generally she follows it up with some intense downtime with her Nintendo DS. Cookin' Mama is her bitch!"
I think Aaron knows he fucked up, but he's confident/shivering these days. Katie and Ryan have their obligatory kaffeeklatsch, which is about Katie getting all these Prom invites from boys. She tells them to submit their phone bills and she'll choose her date from the man who has earned it, just like in the myth of Atalanta. Ryan, of course, loves that because they are both robots from the same exact factory. Everybody says they love Katie and her fun energy and her signature dance, because if they don't? Cornfield.
Even Jackson finds it "corny," but has the same vaguely pleasant feelings. Ellen explains that you can buy love, which makes everybody act up, and says it was fun and characteristically Andrew. Kara wanted to love it, but doesn't think we learned anything new. Dude, that's it. That's all he's got. There's no more digging to do. You have reached the bottom of Andrew. Stop looking. Go home. Simon calls it a wedding mashup where the guitarist sings rather than the lead singer, and that the band overpowered the arrangement. Very corny, very irrelevant. Andrew doesn't know what he's doing. Shocker.
Ryan's like, "So you actually did okay last week, and now this." Andrew is proud as he can be, as usual, and is a jerk about Simon, as usual, and then fucking clenches it Sarah Palin style: "If that was corny then dang! I'm corny!"
Massive cheers, of course. Stupid + Proud = So Attractive. And so American!
Mike's up , but first we get a sec with Andrew reiterating once more his mouthful of nothing. Aaron explains that we call Mike "Big Mike," and Katie remembers when she was on a plane with him coming to LA and thought he was the Incredible Hulk. Casey laughs about his snoring, which causes some honking Real Housewife in the audience to lose her shit. Then they all make this annoying noise that Mike makes sometimes. Then, awesomely, we're told that his musical family was called the Lynche Mob when they performed, which: Isn't that sort of like calling my band the Fagbashers? Which actually, that is sort of an awesome name, so thanks Mike.
Mike's situation with "Eleanor Rigby" is, once again, absolutely insane, with the strings and the R&B-meets-Aerosmith thing and his wild outfit and the tinkling silver chimes at the end and the light show and all the lonely people. If you sort of set aside the idea of subtlety, you can never go wrong with Big Mike. He brings the show. The theatre of it all.
Jackson says it mostly worked, and that shit would be good on the radio. He's so uncategorizable and drastic! I love when he shows that, and Ellen agrees. Kara totally loved that, the vocals were amazing, and the drama built the entire time, and made the venture commercial somehow. That's so good. They're being really good tonight. Simon? He liked it, I think, but not as much as the others did, and had a problem with the Broadwayness of it. He wonders what kind of artist Mike is going for, but I think -- and Jackson namechecks Glee, sagely -- we just saw what that was: Batshit. He's going for batshit, and when he reaches it, it's pretty awesome. Kara just loves the vocals, bells and whistles being just a bonus. Big Mike starts talking about his chest v. Simon's chest, and Ryan gets giggly and weird of course, and then hides behind Mike, and it's all quite squirrely.
Randy loves his hair! Ellen loves the screaming girls! Kara loves that he is still here and still smiling! Squeal! Scream! Simon backhands him a compliment about how, just for tonight, he didn't suck or overdo anything, but then honestly praises him for taking it like a man. (Excellent.) Then Tim shifts into eloquent smarty-pants mode, and smiles at the screaming girls, and we're done.
Casey James in a white tuxedo looks like a hired killer infiltrating a wedding. And not your high-end hired killer. What will he sing? Something singer-songwritery, I assume, by John Lennon. "Norwegian Wood" would be good here. I don't know, I just remember that one time when I liked him. What was it? Bryan Adams. I wish he would do another one like that but I can't think of the song to do that with this week. But the Beatles' voices were so nasal that whatever he sings is going to sound sexy just by virtue of his style, so that will be good. But what's he like behind the scenes? Stoned. Duh.
Katie does an excellent impersonation of Casey's laugh, and everybody talks about how his hair is beautiful, and he's singing "Jealous Guy." That's a good call, actually. Belinda Carlisle did a cover of this that I thought I would hate and ended up liking, and Casey has that exact same throat-goat vibrato of Belinda Carlisle, and there's a cello onstage, so I'm going to adore this. It is written.
Yeah, that was beautiful. There are so many chords you can throw or bend or transpose in this song, like one phrase can go up and the phrase can go straight or whatever, that you can make it as sad as you want or hopeful or whatever, and he monkeys with all of them, and his voice is in fine fettle -- a few big notes as round as Vedder ever did, and even the saddest groan is not anywhere near the Nickleback issues we have sometimes.
Just brilliant. How great. The ending is a very abrupt, very sad kind of blues-in-the-forest-at-night kind of feeling, like he could do upmarket blues like Leadbelly instead of the other stuff he trips on. Definitely one of the best of the night, and one of the most dramatic for how simple it was. The judges adore it, of course; Ellen points out that he was emotional and went beyond sounding great. Kara loves his newfound vulnerability and thanks him for finally getting both tasteful and real for once, and that he clearly knows his entire range and knows what his voice can and cannot do. I hope he's listening, because that's all the things I like about him. Simon reiterates all these things and calls it tonight's best performance. I can't say I disagree.
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