I'm curious as to how they are going to do the Judges' Choice thing this year. Used to be Simon would pick something somewhat relevant and good, and his person would rock it; Paula would pick whatever she could think of that sounded the most like "Hangin' Tough" by the NKOTB -- clapping, stomping, running around, shouting, her other favorite leisure activities -- and Randy would pick something that allowed him to talk about Journey. And then Randy and Kara split it up last year, because together they add up to one people. But this year, what will happen? Make Ellen and Kara split it up, that's weird. Make Ellen and Randy split it up, that's weird too. Hmm.
First, Crystal's Choice. I think it will be something not unlike Casey's choice, because they both speak fluent 420, although she has shown a willingness to at least consider their advice and go for the sentiment when necessary. I think she should mine the Joplin side, or maybe do like "From A Distance" or something from her Tracy Chapman Guilt Trip Songbook. My actual choice, and this is not a lesbian joke, would be "Let It Be Me" by the Indigo Girls, because I think she could bang the hell out of that beautiful chorus. Think about it, against those backup singers? They never utilize the backup ladies at this point and they always, always should. We shall soon see. Crystal's got a harmonica strapped to her neck, good good, and will be singing... "Come To My Window." Also not as a lesbian joke, but case mothereffin' close, bro. This is going to be freaking awesome!
...Sorry, I totally forgot I was at work and just watched. Her mic stand has like a bong or a lantern thing going through it, maybe as a nod to the window imagery. [You are giving her too much credit, she's had that for a few weeks now... they let her get it from home shortly after her 'I wanna quit' meltdown. -- Angel] She doesn't really use the harmonica too much, which makes it sort of cool. I wish they could sing longer this week, I could watch her do this all night long. That was so good.
Jackson didn't love the arrangement -- a sort of midtempo soft-folk Green World-era Dar Williams -- but her voice was amazing. Ellen and Kara agree with the arrangement, which if acoustic would have supported her somewhat cleaner non-Etheridge voice. Simon didn't love the version, but puts into words what the others are trying to say, which is that her refusal to compromise is for once acceptable, because it's honest and because she's good enough that she doesn't really need to. I am so fully back in her court as of that one, but I agree with those guys too.
Jackson, surprisingly, thinks this is a much better song choice than the first one. Ellen things it was beautiful -- it was -- and that fags will vote for him. Not the kind we like, Ellen. Not the kind we like. Kara's elocution is quite clipped as she explains a bunch of nothing about how middle-of-the-road he is, always, and how pussy stupid that was. Simon says it was a better song choice, technically, but that the arrangement -- in which he sorta just sang and sorta just played the guitar -- was lackluster. Kara and Randy fight him on that, but Kara doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about this time, because it was a song with a four-note range, and build or don't build, but this show is about making your point in a small amount of time. There's a lot of fighting about it that basically comes down to Simon saying it was a dumb song for this show, and Randy and Kara getting defensive about the song choice as a song. Irregardless! I hate it both ways.
Ellen's choice for Crystal is ! She pops up behind Ellen's chair and there's a cute pretend moment where that is a surprise.
What if I bought an iPad? I barely know what computers are. It might work. What if I bought a contract on Katy Perry's life? I barely know what life means, it might work. What if I dragged Y to see Letters To Juliet? The trailer made me cry a year ago, it might work. Chili's may well be cooking actual food, who's to say I shouldn't check it out? Might work. Maybe Wendy's can do chipotle wings, just like Taco Bell might be able to feed me shrimp that would somehow make me barf less than usual. That Nationwide Insurance guy with the nose makes me want to sit on a knife. Buy a Ford F-150 if you aren't too busy sucking dicks. Then the exactly same Wendy's ad again. Then a local news ad that literally starts, "Whether you believe in evolution or not..." I knew there was a reason I didn't watch commercials. Besides the incredibly commercial commercial that this show is. Fast forward. To Colin Hanks in the audience. That face!
Crystal went to Ohio, at another strip mall, and they were unfortunate as well. I think maybe this show just went ghetto. Every show does it, they don't do it on purpose, but it's like, that's why I don't watch VH1 or even ANTM anymore: Reality trends down, socially. Anyway, maybe year we get the renaissance and it'll be like all-Ivy a capella pops competitors. Vampire Weekend pussies in various shapes and colors. Meanwhile, Ellen has chosen "Maybe I'm Amazed." We're both happy with that. The song is pretty good, but and I hate to say this but pretty pitchy. Mostly pitchy, I would say.
But then: Maybe Crystal is a man. Maybe Crystal is a lonely man who is in the middle of something. Maybe that something is a something she doesn't really understand. Maybe Ellen is sending us a particular message.
That was basically pointless, and not her best moment. But it was Beatles, which people like, and it was Bowersox, which people like. Randy screams and shoves his fist up his asshole so loud, and then Ellen says she did it right but she honestly really didn't, and Kara thinks she showed us parts of her voice without making the song interesting in any way, and Simon admits he thought it was dumb/gay until she sang it, but that now she has proved she has soul. She-nan-i-gans. She was going to be in the Final regardless, but that was... Not good. It was just fine. She fucked up so many notes, and had zero point. She wore boots. Ryan loved the boots. That's all that really happened.
Simon picked the last song, and Lee is that particular person singing it. He and Simon are adorable, and there are more commercials. But I have learned my lesson! No commercials, they only make me weirder. And remind me I could be watching Glee instead of dicking around until three AM about this crap because I'm so over it, and every week I only give myself either Glee or Lost before I need to get it together and work. The song is...
"Hallelujah." Wow. Why? "We've heard this song before but I don't think we're ever going to hear it like Lee's going to do. And I like Lee, as a person..." Essentially, and without hearing it yet I love this in that same way. I only ever love Simon, but he wanted Lee to do something that would actually show his potential. The one time Lee didn't get to make his own retarded choices, you gotta take that chance. Sing, monkey.
...Oh, didn't quite catch it. Let's rewind. I'm pretty dumb for this song. When I was in high school a friend's mom/surrogate mom was like, "You don't know about Leonard Cohen yet, do you?" Because I was that kind of kid. So when I was 14, I was into boys, Tori Amos, Keanu Reeves, and this song. And then fifteen years later it was the song Ryan played for Marissa, and it was their song, and I loved it for three years that way, and it made me cry every time because Marissa Cooper is still the only TV person I have ever actually understood. I completely change personalities every couple of years, so it's honestly a separate issue, but at each step of that journey, there has been this song. And I was just like wretched when I found out other people had also heard this song, because without being obscure and totally unique, what was I?
And so I'm sure that everybody feels specially personally connected to this song, either right at this moment or because of Shrek or whatever, or because they can remember what it was like to feel certain feelings about this song, at certain times, like me and you. And even with the tympani -- which for all we know is the bagpipes, for his trashy fans -- and the general outrageousness of the performance... Yes. Absolutely Lee you have done it. So much mess, and Lee in the middle tying it together. Well done. Beautiful.
Jackson wigs, and Lee... Well, Lee has something to express in the general vicinity of thanking Simon, so we'll say he thanks Simon. Ellen calls it "stunning," Kara tells us that this is his journey and he is the heart and, if you weren't clear on why you watch the show apparently you watch it to see Lee start where he started and end on this epic world-ending pant-shitting moment, so you should be happy because that's why you are watching this show. Simon, weirdly, says that he has proved he is "a great person." I don't know what else he meant to say, but essentially they would like to coronate him right now. Which is funny, because Crystal won it already that time she thanked the Lord.
Recapping, like any of this matters: Casey sang some godawful fake-hippie song with a joint between his actual literal lips, then a song about daughters and mommies and girlfriends and how they are all linked by vaginas, and isn't that romantic. Crystal sang the two most lesbian songs she ever sang, and fucked up the Beatles one super bad on every note. Lee sang some obscure trashy song perfectly and was amazing, and then sang Simon's gimme and as usual it was the golden ticket because Simon knows what he's fucking doing, and apparently so does sweet little stinky Lee. Farewell, Casey, and tomorrow we'll see that sweet little Emily Bieber, and then I guess where the USA is at, 2010, is your choice of Home Depot workers, with the various numbers of outside dogs that they own. And I, for one, for tonight, am fine with that.
Casey James proves that you don't have to have a personality to make it far on this show. Our vloggers explain why.
See what made the cut in this list of TV's 50 most shocking moments ever.