Scary poster in the audience of Big Mike dressed like a sumo wrestler and menacing Simon. Even scarier: Ryan slapping his little girl hands against little girls' hands in the audience screaming, "Wassup! Wassup!" The Idols come out. Good Lord, there are still just so many of them. Casey looks like a hilarious joke and then we learn about Elvis. Oh hell, Elvis? I mean, Adam's great but what? What? Let's think about this.
Andrew must be singing something in the "Little Less Convo" area. Aaron will sing some song about walking around like Patsy Cline's broken heart or whatever. Siobhan will somehow find a way to sing Coldplay. Crystal will sing some kind of "Hound Dog" thing, or the song about the shoes. Somebody best sing "Suspicious Minds" because that is the best song.
Adam talks about Elvis's relevance and then he's out in the audience wearing all the makeup that's available in America, and Ryan congratulates him on the "two extra inches" his Elvis-coif has given him. It sounds weird. They talk a whole lot more and Adam's great but I don't really care about this part: He wants them to do it right, and they're not going to do it right, so let's pick a new goal.
Just when you thought things couldn't get any more sexual or troubling between Ryan and Adam, they start singing in falsetto at each other and Adam tells him to put more tongue into it and Ryan says that, sadly, his tongue is not as talented as Adam's. This causes Mr. Schue behind them to lose his mind, which is already annoyingly under a fedora hat. Ryan closes his eyes and wonders about his career and Adam has had such a hard year that he can't even blush about this sort of thing anymore.
Crystal will be singing "Saved," a song I don't know about. Adam, of course, can't quit about Crystal, but it's refreshing because he comes to her like a fan and not like Madonna kissing Britney that time. He's excited about her electric guitar and wants her to shake her dreads around and is, I think, pretty stoned.
The performance is a hands-to-the-Lord rockout number, lots of horns and backup singers. Is Crystal as close as we'll ever get to Elvis again? Or am I just caught up in the nonsense of this show and blind to the people using more traditional methods of delivery to accomplish their goals? Not sure. Have we decided yet whether corporate A&R buggery has broken music forever? Because if so, then this show is the smartest way to do things. And in Crystal's case, maybe the only rational one, because God knows I would not pay to listen to this, regardless of how good we know it is.
Jackson thought he was listening to somebody's record, possibly Bonnie Raitt. Ellen says she's so tired of telling Crystal how good she is, and asks if there are any birthdays in the audience. That's really quite funny. Kara talks about the historical subversion of the lyrics, which is fascinating actually, and thanks her for getting dramatic with it. Simon says that once he was a bad man, but has now become good just like in the song, and then thanks her for not going karaoke like everybody else is going to do tonight. They're just not even trying to preserve the mystery of Crystal's eventual win anymore. It makes me happy; it makes me scared; Ryan just loves her bedazzled axe. Then he asks the horrifying question of what happens when nose-picking Andrew "rocks" Elvis. Well Ryan, funny story. What's going to happen is that it's going to be barfy. See, Andrew is the Very Worst.
Ryan calls Andrew "bro," and that's all I have to say about it. I'm more interested in how Adam will deal with him. But first, let's ask how Andrew feels about the POV Save of Mike's wonderful song? Andrew feels like they are both lesbian fathers, and we should not forget that for a second. So in a way, Mike's triumph is actually his triumph. Ryan asks if Andrew can break his own seal, whatever that means, and then calls him "baby." God. Adam tells us that Andrew sucks, and tells Andrew that he sucks. Andrew, of course, understands that what Adam really means is that he and Adam are the same lesbian father and that this was actually a compliment.
"Hound Dog," in the slowed-down tempo and whining drawl of something horrible. His voice sounds nice, in terms of tone, but the rewrite is limited to pretty simple time signature fuckery and a backup that sounds... Exactly like the theme song of Mad About You. Plus vile posturing.
I mean, it was exactly Mad About You! Jackson calls it "not-good karaoke," which is being kind. Andrew thanks the crowd for booing him, and Ellen says she just wanted more swagger. Gross folks in the audience agree that he pulled it off, but they are no more trustworthy than his nasty ass. Kara liked his changes on the melody, but otherwise thought he was being his usual amount of wussy idiot. Simon calls it "lazy" and compares it to the boring song of every musical theatre show, and that his "coolness" has been sucked out. Make him cry. He's so dumb and stupid, make him cry! Ryan asks why Ellen liked it and Simon didn't, and Ellen says -- essentially -- that it's because she's been in therapy for twenty years and no longer has an edge, because she is happy now, while Simon remains broken. Ryan and Kara have no idea what she's talking about, and Simon is inspired to dig even deeper into his personal mental mess. Nobody has mentioned Adam Lambert's tongue in like ten minutes.