"In life, the microphone passes your lips but once... You had better be ready to sing." That's a little bit of inspiration courtesy David Foster. I'm not sure exactly what it means in this context, but let's look at some idiots. Those crazy ladies Mary Roach and Clay Aiken remind you what the show is all about, and then there are hugging cowboys, and that guy dressed like Lady Liberty, and the big yellow crazy lady with the boobs, and Kelly Pickler and that guy Chris who broke this show, and then Fake Clay before he was gay, and my boy that hugged Hasselhoff, and the Brittenums, and Carrie handjiving "I love you" to A-Fed (right in time to the music, which right now is "What A Wonderful World," again for no reason), the Crying Sanjaya Girl, Sanjaya the Crying Girl, William Hung the original Sanjaya, that Fran Drescher girl I liked so much, toothless diabetic guy and his dead mom, Sparks, Hicks, Ruben, and finally you know the montage is ending because it's Carrie, Kelly and David, the only legit people ever on this stage. And then there's the sucky Dunk, and then lots and lots of different versions of Ryan Seacrest's hair.
God, I've missed Ryan Seacrest. I wish he had other jobs so I could see him more than just on this show. They show that hilarious video of the Archuleta fans shitting themselves when the real David won, and then some meaningless words from him, and then another montage. Mostly just people screaming, and then a bunch of people saying inspirational shit about how this show is so awesome, ranging from ghetto to gorgeous to... Yikes, you guys. Daddy picked the wrong day to switch to HD. I forgot about how teenager skin makes you feel sad inside.
Eight cities, 100K auditioners and I'm sure 90% of them are mentally ill or developmentally disabled, I guess we'll find out. There's a crazy girl crying and hugging Paula Abdul and then a bunch of people committing suicide on Paula Abdul's lawn, a crazy gay cowboy, the building coming down on them, a girl kissing Ryan and then both of them throwing up for different reasons, a girl shitting out her own heart upon getting no golden ticket, a gay in a hat, dudes in a pool... Then Ryan standing in the Grand Canyon like he's about to hang out with Earl the Angel, and my God, let's see... EIGHT fucking minutes and it's time to start the actual show. So of course let's watch some commercials first. I forgot so much of the bullshitty things about this show and just sort of let it be a horrible shitty cloud in somebody else's third-world polluted country but now I have to think about the actual carbon footprint of all this stuff and count how many Styrofoam cups they're using.
Meet Randy Madden (27, Moorpark, CA): Butterfaced thin-haired greasy lonely guy five years older than everybody else at every party with a keg, huge Bret Michaels bandanna, who informs us that he looks like a rocker. He doesn't look like a rocker, he looks like science teacher. Then he cries eleven times and begs people to tell him he's awesome. I think maybe he is on shaky ground, emotionally or perhaps mentally, and should he drinking some soup on his couch instead of being douchey on TV. He tells the judges that he's a "rocker in a box" because he has one of those hateful "jobs" Emily's so much better than, and then he sings "Livin' On A Prayer," which I used to think personally was a pantydropper but from now on will just kind of make you feel wistful about Randy Madden. It's tryhard in that jacked-up teeth way of the aging rocker who hasn't yet mastered shaving or the other finer points of personal grooming.
Simon calls Randy out for being unconvinced -- and how can you do anything but live your passion when you're wearing a scarf as a belt? -- and then tells him to shut up and stop being a drama queen because he's not actually talented. Randy tells him he wants to do some mealymouthed "connecting with people" shit, and Simon explains that no, actually he wants to be a rockstar and he will never, ever be a rockstar, so he should... Paula tells him to start a cover band, essentially, and fall into that bottomless black hole, and Kara D tells him something we won't ever know because Paula starts snarling lamely and throwing shit at Simon in a desperate bid for attention, and then gives him a speech so lame even his hair-trigger emotions find boring, and Simon's eyes glaze over, and she randomly throws Simon the finger -- which is sort of awesome -- and then Randy comes out looking for a blowjob from Ryan Seacrest, and his thousand identical friends watch him cry and wonder if they should hug him, and at some point -- maybe it's the farewell heel-click -- it just starts seeming like David Wain is having his comedic way with us once again.
JB Ahfua (16, Taylorsville, UT) has one of those gigantic I Can't Believe It's 16 voices, which he belts at them. Simon and Paula both make eyes at him, Randy and Kara are more reserved but overall pleased. Simon tells him to chill, Paula tells him he's lovely, and it's unanimous. He's mildly pleased. Ryan's tan explains to his family what the golden ticket means, like they don't know, and then calls JB "bro," and JB cries for awhile and the piano in the background is like, "No seriously, you care."
comes a girl who wants to "pay it forward," just like I just wrote a few paragraphs ago, because Ryan and I have a bromance that puts Brody Jenner to shame. I don't really know what she's all about, this girl, because it's really boring. She's all about singing to old people, or abducting them, or something sweet as pie like that. Arianna Afsar (16, San Diego) has a nice voice in the Taylor Swift area, is pretty much gorgeous, and will be eaten by this shit in one bite like a prosciutto-wrapped stick of butter left just outside a tiger cage. Her phrasing and the way her lips work with her teeth and chipmunk cheeks is reminiscent of early Janet Jackson, but she's obviously really, really young so we don't have to worry about the weird Janet shit for a few years at least. Simon likes her voice, Paula says she's beautiful, they're still not letting Kara talk really, and Randy sees the money vibes coming off her. Unanimous yeses for Arianna, and then my second-favorite song by my second-favorite band, bangin' date-rape anthem "Shake It" by Metro Station, who are the older brothers of the Disney channel. And that's Phoenix Day One: Nine golden tickets including Emily, Arianna, a grip of gay guys (or wait, that's Emily and her boyfriend again), and a lovely tiny little argyle weirdo we'll be seeing again for sure.
Cute blonde hipster guy from the opening montage welcomes us to Day Two, where Kara's wearing something sexy and Randy's wearing something stupid, and Paula's dressed sort of like Blair Waldorf. Then there's a montage that's so suddenly, so without-notice horrifying that I had to rewind like seven times to understand Ryan's justification for it, which is "here are some people who sing off-key, in preparation for somebody singing even more off-key," but my golly the awful people they picked. There's a white doughboy who sings like a lady from S4 that I sort of remember, that absolutely terrifying S6 schizophrenic redheaded ogre that was ten feet tall and missing teeth who I still dream about, that high-voiced piccolo fetus-looking freak from last year that sang about the "frosty mountains." Then there's a thyroid case that talks like Ray Romano's TV brother whose voice I can barely understand but I bet it sets off car alarms. He sounds like the voice of the mountains and their history. He sounds like Treebeard but in real life.
Elijah Scarlett (22, Phoenix) will be singing "My First, My Last, My Everything," and will be singing it in a key you've never heard of unless you went to Hogwarts. Perhaps he will free Tsathaggua with this voice, or cause the Big One along the San Andreas. We shall see. Oh, no. No, because he sings like Goofy from the cartoons, but super-slowed down. Have you heard this evidence about how if you slow down Kylie Minogue to some specific esoteric number, she is Rick Astley? It's amazing. And you know, I've never seen them in the same place. I feel bad about Rick Astley and what happened there. Simon goes for Elijah's jugular about how he fucked up even thinking he should audition, and then Paula tells him to go be in a movie "with monsters in it." Kara's amazed at them, but she's so innocent! These are softballs. Talk to me three cities from now when Simon's calling them bush babies and Paula's handing out rusty trombones just so she can feel something.
Lea Marie, who has been shooting them intense Tracy Flick bitchface the entire time, is like, "You're on the fence about me. I can tell." The true hallmark of an Idol whackjob. Simon's like, "I am not on the fence in any way," and they vote no, because she can't sing. She bugs them and bugs them, and just to be cruel he makes Kara give the third no. She handles it really awesomely. Kara's already crept up there with Simon and Ryan in terms of the joy of watching professionals be amazing at their job and she hasn't even done anything. Somehow, I wonder if the credit for this doesn't really go to Paula, but I don't want to think that.
Stevie Wright (16, Phelan, CA) was named for Stevie Nicks and may or may not be pretty. Ryan really likes her, which is a good sign. There's also an intense dorkiness to her dancing in that little post-interview blue box, which generally is also a good sign. Ryan sends her in with quite a pep talk, and Paula loves her name. Kara, of course, loves Stevie Nicks because she's a great songwriter. Yeah, I'd say she's pretty; she's got a huge face and a sort of Jessica Biel vibe. She sings "At Last," which is one of those songs that's always a mistake unless it isn't, and this time... It isn't, really. I mean you could conk out listening to it, but that's how the song works. Stevie herself is measured and rich in tone. I love the Jordin Sparks thing going on this year, with all these youthful sixteen-year-olds getting all preternaturally Dakota Fanning on your ass.
What's nice about this audition is that you can see the moment when they make up their minds about her -- it's about ten seconds in, because that's what the X factor is about -- but what's brilliant about this audition is that Stevie sees it, too, and then just goes on singing without even a slight hesitation. I like this girl. Simon asks her if she can compete at all, and she equates this with being "mean." Now, you and I know that this is because she's a 16-year-old girl, and has been trained her whole life thus far not to be "mean" in this way, but the only one of those Simon understands is of course Ryan, and even that is on a nonverbal level, so he's flummoxed by this reply and tells her to grow a pair. Then they play a happy Stevie Nicks song, and her family crowds her, and Ryan almost cries and lets his nervous little fists relax. Inside, Kara and Paula compete over who loves her more and who will get credit if/when she becomes the Kelly Clarkson. Seriously, that's awesome.
up is a side of serious Grade A named Michael Sarver (27, Jasper, TX, still famous ten years later for murdering people of color in horrific ways) who's a roughneck on oil rigs, and he tells us how dangerous this is, and how he wants to be on Idol for money because he has of course one million blonde children who will grow up prone to obesity and racism. I ask again: how come trashy girls are just trashy, but trashy guys get a hotness bonus? It's so gross and unfair. Or maybe there are guys who are into gross girls like that and I just don't know any men of this nature. Anyway, Michael -- Ryan's polar opposite, according to Simon -- sings... "Grateful" by Kelly Clarkson! Interesting. His voice is no great shakes, but nice. Randy says it was better with his eyes closed, because the voice is thinner and higher than his looks would suggest. It's unanimous, with an extra wink from Simon. Lose the choker and we'll talk. Lose the choker and the shirt and we'll talk. You can keep the jeans.
After a quick montage of boring bad singing, there's a bunch of dummies in bikinis. Or no, it's the same one but her hair is sometimes blonde and sometimes brunette. Maybe she's Jem. She's naked like Hannah Montana, and she wants to marry Ryan and make out with him later. This causes him to babble uncomfortably and try to stop her from talking as charmingly as he can. Which is very, of course. The judges are all grossed out by her bikini-clad entry and deal with it in their own ways: Randy giggles weirdly, Simon pretends he's got a boner, Kara -- dripping with hatred -- tells her to do a little twirl for the guys, and Paula, I don't know and I am done with this anyway. Paula plays Jenga at this point, let's say.
Katrina Darrell (20, Chino "ew" Hills, CA) is a model who will be singing "Vision Of Love." Will she be singing it well? Not really, because it's not a song you should be singing on this show, bikini or no. So they make fun of her for awhile and Simon eye-gropes her for awhile, and the camera travels slowly up her backside, and Simon lets her through... And Kara calls total bullshit. Here we go. Randy gives another yes, and Kara shits a brick. Kara explains that she's not about to hate on the girl for being a dummy in a bikini, and then sings the song how she should sing the song, and instead of understanding her point -- that a certain amount of emotional involvement is somewhat necessary for a performer -- Katrina offers to sing the end of the song. Which is sort of like doing the opposite of what Kara told her to do, because the singing is all bombast and runs and whatever.
The girls build her up as Simon makes her more and more nervous, and Paula yells NOW and she does, just busts out into it, and the boys immediately yell at her to stop, and Kara and Paula get kind of disappointed as she degrades down into... horrors, basically. Regrettable. Kara tells her she's super fun, and she starts crying and its sad, and Randy says no, and Kara says not this time, and Paula gives her a yes, which makes her so happy that she just gives into crying and kind of stands there with nowhere to go... And then Simon puts her through! AWESOME! He gives her a big hug and she freaks out when Paula hugs her, and then there is much screaming. That was amazing. Even Ryan is like, "How... did she do that?"
I'm done. Why is there still so much show? Cute families, moms and grandmas and grandpas and families in color-coded outfits and mom supporting their gay kids, and some cute tiny guy, and then a pretty girl who's all alone. Deanna Brown (25, Louisville) has Pickler Mouth but it comes off cute instead of retarded, and she talks about how she borrowed somebody else's family to get through this because hers couldn't come. She's inviting enough I guess, with only marginal trash-face and unbearable eyeliner, kind of a mean, sneaky smile, but nice enough. She kind of has that bartender-girl thing where you wouldn't want to get too incredibly close to her as a new friend because there's a lot of screaming at her boyfriend-type drama locked up in there. Or maybe a... Yeah, maybe a baby.
The vibe is like one of those girls you know at work where on Monday her car dies and Tuesday her cat dies and Wednesday her waterheater dies and Thursday her grandmother dies and by Friday your heart has died and you can no longer care that she's broken up with her boyfriend for the eighteenth time and needs to talk to somebody on the phone about it for six hours and say the same things over and over and over, and then you meet the guy and he's so unbelievably boring that you can't imagine squeezing even one liquid ounce of drama out of him, much less the unending quarts she's been coming up with this whole time. So she sings that song about sitting on the dock of the bay that never fails to get my heart racing, through her nose like a Pussycat Doll, and they put her through, and Ryan pretends to be her family, and then her mom screams bloody murder on an iPhone.
Meet Cody Sheldon (17, Detroit), who has a lot going for him. He seems smart, I think his voice is pretty good, his family is so very supportive, his dorky girlfriends all have fucked up hair but seem cool (one is already planning on being his Sanjaya Crying Girl), and his -- Grandmother? Bestie? Whatever -- she's like a thousand! She looks like Edie Britt. That's kind of cool, I hope they met at pilates or a book-burning or something. Anyway, he talks about how much he loves horror movies, and they show some footage, and here's the thing: he's so scary looking. He's got bright blue eyes, like the fake contacts that are my kryptonite blue, and shaggy hair that's poorly dyed in the way only a 17-year-old boy can fuck it up, and he's so like "I get lost in the music" and "I really love dark stuff" and it's like, all too real. He's normal until he opens his eyes, and then looks like a monster in a movie, like the Dunwich Cuckoos or that girl that comes out of your TV seven days from right now. He has Pennywise eyes. Kara's like, "Your awesome voice is really at odds with how scary you look in your face," and he gets through, as he should. I don't know if I can handle Cody Sheldon for very long. He's like a scary lady. Maybe they will fix him. Coming up: the "Worst of the West," and this blind guy they keep talking about.
Apparently Simon's big thing in Phoenix has been asking them each what three countries in the world they would be popular in. That's a very interesting question, actually; it's actually more entertaining to watch Kara and Randy's patience with this question degrade throughout the two days, but the answers are similarly interesting. This girl who is like if they remade Rocky Horror Picture Show starring Grace Jones thinks New York and Atlanta are the best countries for her, a blonde girl says the nation of California, cornrow guy says Paris and London, a nerd says the US and Europe -- including England, France, and Russia -- a really weird- and cool-looking guy awesomely says Madagascar, a Korean kid says Korea, the Sweet Transvestite says New Jersey, and then there's Alex.
Alex Wagner-Trugman (19, Studio City CA) is looking forward to rocking the stages in Abkhazia, Zimbabwe, and Canada. He's adorable in a Big Bang-type way, which is to say that if he gets through, there will be much bitching about how nerdy he is, and it will slowly give way to drooling aphasic lols of the Cooktard/Claymate/Botool sort. Mark my words. Also: Abkhazia, right off the top of his head. He tells a story about how he used to train his voice by singing in his closet, but sadly there was mold and he got sick. That's some A-Fed tragedy right there. Also, he is missing a Spanish test to be here. Alex, you are awesome. I really hope he does well. He is about five years from too much tail to deal with and he doesn't even know it! "If I don't do it, then I'll probably get a B, or worse. For nothing. That was a joke." He smiles awesomely and stares into space awkwardly and it's like, you never get anywhere wishing Seth Cohen was real, but what if he was? That would be so neat.
Simon reads off Alex's thing that he just came out of the closet, and Alex swallows his entire protruding Adam's apple at this, and Paula's like, "Don't be a dick!" and Ryan's like, "There is nothing in the world as terrible as being gay!" and Alex just calmly explains to them that Simon was "doing a literal interpretation" of that saying, and so it's fine. I love him sooo much. Remember Adam Pratt? He's like Adam Pratt 2.0, but with a chance in hell. Kara's amazed that Alex is so gentle about it, like, "Who doesn't fucking love Simon Cowell?" Alex will be singing "Baby, Come To Me" by James Ingram, but only if Randy will duet with him on the chorus. Kara asks -- as though you need a reason when you're Alex, who obviously has a plan and an apparatus for getting things done -- if this is because Randy wrote it or something, and Randy's all about the Tao of Alex, like, "I didn't write it, but I like it?" And then is about to say something to Kara but then Alex starts singing and he just drops the whole thing.
His hair is fluffy: that's something you can fix. Great cheekbones. Interesting voice, good range and control. All of this he taught himself in the closet, surrounded by mold and dreams. Randy sings along, and the girls make out with each other, which throws him off. Randy calls it a weird tone but with great pitch, and Paula loved him too. Simon's not buying it, so I guess it's up to Kara? He offers to sing "God Save The Queen," and once again explains that he's kidding because he doesn't know the words. Come on, Kara, give it to him. I love him too much, at least let me see him in Hollywood Week. I'm really surprised by Simon here, because you can see it. Why can't Simon? He calls him "Joe Cocker Spaniel," and without missing a beat Alex goes, "That would be a good joke if it made sense." This kid, you guys. Man. Kara puts him through, and Simon's like, "ugh," but he winks at the other three. Ryan asks why Simon didn't get it, and Alex softly says, "Maybe he drank some bad tea this morning. Apparently I'm not going to be quite the hit with the British audience that I thought." But what of Zimbabwe, Alex Wagner-Trugman? What of Abkhazia?
Okay, let's do this shit. Some kind of overproduced thing like the opening credits of Kid Nation leads into the bad singing montage of "Wanted Dead Or Alive": hot dorky vest guy with Buddy Holly glasses, crazy daycare-worker version of Flavor Flav, a 45-year old man who has no business being here, a ginger dickhead, some girl, that deep-voiced dude, a redheaded child molester, that unstoppable guitar guy, Bikini Bitch, that first guy that almost puked, yet another redheaded freak, that guy with the giant afro, some giant screaming lady, that crazy girl in all the pink, a whole stadium of wannabes, a blonde guy with chromosomal irregularities, the crying rocker guy Randy, vest guy singing his guitar solo, What If Ugly Betty Were A Dude, some timid librarian, vest guy screeching weirdly, and a horrible ponytailed Ren Faire bisexual polyamorous wiccan in a pirate suit. All in one paragraph, friends. Remember when that was 180 minutes out of the week for two months, and you never saw a single person get a golden ticket? This is the best season ever.
But lest we be allowed to go on our way, let's see if they can take every schmucky sentimental thing and wrap it up with a nice bow. He should be blonde, good-looking, possibly a twin, great voice... But what's going to really sell it? They stooped to genetic manipulation to make Archuleta last year, what's more endearing and cynical than a lip-licking child/kitten hybrid? Oh, that's right. This time he's BLIND.
Scott MacIntyre (23, Scottsdale) he looks like Casey Affleck with '70s Cassidy hair, writes and plays beautiful music on the piano, and is a total charmer. Entered college and fourteen, graduated at nineteen, went to London and is wearing his London "Mind The Gap" shirt for Simon. But don't be fooled: the music they're playing over this interview is Coldplay's "Lost" ("Just because I'm hurting/ Doesn't mean I'm hurt"), and I mean, not just any version, the acoustic one, like, Jennifer Aniston is about to bust out onto the screen and be like, "Kids have cancer! Even at Thanksgiving!" I guess since they're not doing IGB this year they had to get this shit out of the way.
He sings "And So It Goes" by Kara's fellow songwriter Billy Joel, and everybody's mother and aunt and grandmother watching immediately starts crying salty rivers of tears that cascade across the floor and out the door and into the street carrying little paper boats on which children with cancer have written their dreams downstream like it's Magic Realism Day, and outside everybody is screaming for him, and Ryan gives him an awkward high five, and dude, 27 golden tickets in Phoenix but you know Scott's going to win this bitch. You know it. Even he can see it coming.
...Anyway, it's been too long, and I love what you're wearing! See you tomorrow in Kansas City.
Check out our worst performances>a? by people who were actually supposed to be good.