Paula's like, "Hell no, he's not a wannabe," and whatever. Ryan calls attention to Simon's chest, I think, referring to his pectorals as "Chihuahuas," in a way that nobody actually gets because it's a stupid joke from out of the gay blue yonder. Michael then explains to Ryan again about how America is so awesome and dreams can come true. Which again, Paula loves. Which is red flag number one. But also: the fuck does that have to do with the song? Nothing. Flat-ass mothereffing nothing.
Ramiele was the only one that really "got" Syesha, she explains in her off-putting way. Which is annoying in that number one, if you are complaining that nobody "gets" you, the answer is that you suck. But more importantly, Ramiele doesn't "get" photosynthesis, or shapes, or long division, or gravity, so again: you suck. Syesha sucks so much, in fact, that I'm starting to think she's actually not arrogant at all, just doing a scared-stiff dorky impression of arrogant that causes her to be mystified by the amount of hatred that is directed toward her. Which is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if the only way for you to stop acting like a dick is if you settle down, and the only way that'll happen is if everybody stops hating you, the burden of stopping the cycle of violence is on you. Just...stop being a dork. It's really that simple.
Or maybe I just don't "get" Syesha like Ramiele did, because I am not a houseplant. Syesha tells us that change starts with you, and then really ramrods that bullshit home with a...you know what, I'll let her tell you what's on her mind.
"If you believe in yourself, anything is possible. You can do anything, but it first starts with you. This week is pretty much all about just...giving back... [The scary Fantasia song] inspires you to give back in your own way, and for me that's music."
Then the earth opens up and swallows her entire body and she goes swimming in magma, and the whole time she's like, "I'm doing this because I can do anything, but it first starts with me. This swim through the fiery magma at the Earth's core is pretty much all about just...giving back." And you know, for me? That's music.
Syesha's performance of Fantasia's "I Believe" is, like always, quite the heady mixture of Ambien and Prozac. Since I've only heard this song once before, and I'm still not convinced it didn't give me a stroke at that time, it's disappointing. What I would not do to see Syesha get ugly. But alas, the only thing that's ugly about Syesha is her way.
Randy mentions about how Fantasia is Fantasia, and Syesha is not, and Syesha invites him to suck her dick. For a good long while, making Simon laugh his ass off. She's all class in the middle of this, and has a lovely smile. Paula says she made a decent stab at making the song her own, and one of her better performances. And I agree with that. Simon's like, "Don't be an idiot: of course you're getting compared to Fantasia." Syesha's like, "I KNOW THAT." This is like the same exact thing as last week, right? Simon desperately tries to explain about reality -- how it was sung so beautifully but that doesn't matter -- but sadly, reality is something Syesha has rejected every week before now and will continue rejecting long after her ass is booted, so whatever. Even Ryan doesn't have much to say.
You know who does? Jason Castro. You know about what? Me neither. The usual bullshit about dreams coming true. Now, you know "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" is my kryptonite and I hate all versions of this song except for the version he's about to sing, while making goofy stupid ugly faces, but again: not a happy song, not a hopeful song. And whatever, he's wrong about that but then also wrong about why it applies, for the third time tonight. Who the fuck told these kids that IGB is about dreams coming true? This stupid show is about that, for sure -- unless you're Randy Jackson tonight -- but IGB is more about wishing hopeful wishes for people that weren't lucky enough to be born in a place where getting a shitty record contract in a dying recording industry is literally worth crying over. I mean, thank God I'm not doing IGB proper this year, Joe is, but it's like, when Jason Castro says "Dreams can come true," he's talking about like getting a puppy, or winning this stupid show, or Acapulco Gold. But the dreams and wishes of this week are like, "My dream is not to die of starvation or malaria," or "I wish my mom didn't have AIDS." So, you know, shut up and sing.
Which he does. And to be fair, it sounds great. It sounds exactly like Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version, which your parents probably have on the shelf to Josh Groban so go ask them because I don't have the time to explain it right now. So the judges love it, whatever. Simon is not sure about all this, but has decided that he loves Jason's performance of this song.
The Colonel. Ryan says she's determined not to hit the B3 this week, but he's not serious I don't think, because every week she talks about how she's got her bags packed. She will be singing -- are you sitting down? You should probably sit down -- she'll be singing a Martina McBride song. Will it have cheesy lyrics about believing in yourself and in your family members? Yes. Will it involve setting rapists on fire, like the good Martina ones do? Sadly, no. Does it contain the phrase "God is great?" Yes, it does. Luckily, her voice continues its steady improvement, and her arms-wide movements are hilarious, and her scary black eyes are always interesting. Also, even if God doesn't answer your prayers, that's okay, because you should love your children, and singing is fun, even if everybody hates you...Actually there's a whole theme in the song about how we can go fuck ourselves if we don't like her, because this is all KLC's show and we're just the extras in her movie. Which actually, I kind of respect. Allah akbar, KLC.
Randy liked it, and Simon thought it was totally indicative of the soulless pointlessness of her gift, and wonderful in exactly that plastic way. Paula disagrees with Randy that there were moments of off pitch, and points out that this was "by far" her best performance, which it is, but then takes a fucked-up left turn and says this is probably due to A) how songs that inspire you are easier to sing well, and B) how Paula remembers one time Martina McBride sang that song. I don't know what either of those things has to do with the good job the Colonel just did, but that's Paula. She's got more pressing things on her mind, and by "things" I mean "boobs," and by "mind" I mean "chin," and by "pressing" I mean "pressing."
And after the break? David Cook AND Carly Smithson. Might as well get all that mess out of the way at once, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I wish I could show you a screencap of the moment right before the break, because it is a doozy. Carly is like, "You know how my face is kind of crunk-looking? Well, what if Kate Bush was a Cabbage Patch Doll, and that was my face?" And then David Cook wearing a Sergeant Pepper's-by-Way-of-Gerard jacket, cocking his fucking eyebrow with disgusting sparse country high school stubble on his face, his hair sticking up all short-bus like Captain Jack on one side, and the gall to pretend like he's any less of a freaking dork than she is. These two bastards, I am telling you.
After the break, there's something disgusting on Simon's lap. The fuck is it? Is it Constantine? It's got frizzy yucky chin-length hair, a choker, a leather jacket, and a smarmy mouth. OMG what is it? Ryan points at it and says something, but it just looks like...Brian Epstein's coke dealer in a movie. It is called Mike Darnell. Simon says that Mike is the actual "Dark Lord" of this show, not him or Clive, so...I guess he's finally discovered the internet. (Which, let's note, is older than David Archuleta.)
You can tell from the face he's making at the beginning of his video package that Cook is going to be breaking it down for us. He explains to the interviewer that Our Lady Peace is a band, who sang a song called "Innocent," which expresses Cook's feeling that everybody has a good heart, at the end of the day: "We are all innocent." (And I'm not going to lie: if you know me at all, you've probably already guessed that's also the reason that it's the only OLP song that I like, and the reason that I like it a whole, whole lot. Because just as there are ways in which I am creepier than David Archuleta, there are ways I'm gayer than David Cook.) But you know, what we really needed was somebody so fashion-forward, so hip and alternative, so ahead of the curve, that they can introduce us to Our Lady Peace.
Randy loved it, because it's an "amazing" song, and loved the runs that he did at the end, and Randy lies his ass off that this was his hottest moment all season. Paula says it was fantastic. You guys, it wasn't. I'm not being mean or anything when I say that. It was crappy. Simon loves the song choice (yes) because he's actually heard the song (did you know Robbie Williams is like totally OCD crazy and won't leave his house and makes you play Scrabble with him all day?) but notes that it wasn't actually his best vocal. Words cannot describe the amount of nothing I feel toward David Archuleta. It's like he is sucking the feelings out of the room. He's like ... little dogs. I get that it's cute, I just don't understand what the hell you expect me to do with it.
Ryan introduces Brooke White and then makes a security lady cry by trying to make her talk on camera. Then he feels terrible about that, and kicks it to the package. Brooke babbles about "You've Got A Friend," and how it was written by Carole King, which even I knew, and then she's singing at the mic while a guy plays piano. There are also some awesome violins that make it actually very lovely. She is a little shaky and vibratey, and the backup singers are a little ambient/creepy, but you understand what they're going for, and more importantly, it is her best performance in a very, very, very long time. Which is a better way for this episode to end than it might have, considering the last weeks -- including tonight -- have been some of the worst in the show's history. Which bites, because the level of talent actually is so high, and it's distressing and gross to see them flop like this, all at once. So thanks, Brooke.
Randy says it was just okay, but he's not mad at her. Paula has a sister, or thinks she has a sister, or something. She says it was a great way to end things, and tells Brooke she loves her. Brooke automatically responds, "I love y...thanks." (Which, how many times have you done that? And felt like a primo douche every time? So awesome.) Simon says it was a pleasant walk in the park, nice, not necessarily original but pleasant, and he thanks her. When Brooke is sad it makes me want to hit something. She babbles at Ryan a little bit, and then shakes noticeably in his arms. It really was one of her best in a long while, you guys. I'm kind of worried.
Rewind! Michael: Way better if you're either not looking or not listening, but tough if you do both at once. Syesha: Still refusing to shut up or suck enough to go home. Jason: Fucking up the lyrics and once again being such a cliché that the pigs flying by and multiple birds getting hit with single stones are like, "Kinda played, brotha." The Colonel, sounding worse in the rewind than she did at the time, and giving a performance that sucks in theory but was one of the best of the night in practice. Painful, regrettable, Bizarro-world practice: see David Cook, breaking hearts not on purpose and giving the worst (?!) performance of the night despite being the best one, and having the best song to sing. Confound him! Try to hate him, he rocks it. Look forward to it, get burned every time. But this time was unconscionable. Plus! Oh, PLUS! The hand thing! I just remembered that shit! Damn it, Cook. Just damn it.