Michael Johns sang "(Don't You) Forget About Me" from his walker and Simon persisted loving him; Chikezie bored his way through a Whitney song; David H. Celined his way through a Celine song and Simon loved it; Luke Menard was a good old fella but is going home; Danny pushed the gay thing two centimeters too far without once showing us his gorgeous voice; David A. blew the doors off the concept of milk-sucking sincerity; Jason went all Jeff Buckley on our asses; and David Cook turned magical and made a new thing in the world.
Cook is safe, and Ryan heard from Lionel that he loved his version: he's the first Top 12er. Archuleta is the second, followed by Jason, forming the troika of boys who have already driven huge parts of America completely crazy. I like them because they smell like money.
Asia'h wanted to feel the heat with somebody and pulled her pants up to her ribs, she still sounds ghetto all the time; Carly looked like a comic book store at her first prom from the neck up, and like Overmyer from the neck down; Syesha continued to be totally classy and cool and boring; Kady sucked adorably as usual; Ramiele turned in her most boring performance to date; Kristy Lee Cook continued to refuse justifying her presence here; Brooke persisted in being so much better than this show that it's kind of retarded; Amanda told us for the third week in a row how much she fucking hates herself, and it was still impossible to sympathize. I mean, I can identify, but I can't sympathize.
So again, in order of obviousness: Brooke is the fourth Top 12er, Syesha is good, Kady's breasts are doing the tricks her face can't do, and she's out! Switcheroo! Her video journey is really long, and then her singout of the Queen song is easily fifteen times weirder and worse than her usual singing, and is additionally performed wearing a dirndl over jeans and that apparently permanent rage-face that scares everybody so bad every week.
David H. is just as boring standing there as he is when he's singing, but there will always be a place for Clay and melodrama on this show, so he's safe. Michael Johns's creaky bones and stupid leather jacket are safe. One spot left, and three people in mortal danger: Luke, Danny, and Chikezie. Luke's obviously out, which means the last elimination is going to be truly outrageous! I'm so scared. Luke's singout, we are not watching, although it's nice to see his whole video journey, because it's mostly him being happy and excited all over the country, and there's very little singing at any point. I wish this show had a spokesmodel category.
1 2 3 4
Ramiele is obviously in this for the long haul, because she's awesome, although of any week, this is the week she should get some fear slapped into her. Top 12. She kisses Danny as she's going past, and he looks like he's going to barf. Carly is wearing a lovely pumpkin-colored sack in the place of clothing, and her friends are even creepier and scarier than she is. Amanda stands, leaving Asia'h and Kristy Lee, both of whom also suck. So is she the Luke that's going home? No, she's taking a stool, so that means ... Asia'h and KLC come upstage just in time for a commercial break. I could not care one iota less about this cliffhanger. Send them both home, seriously.
The Colonel is safe, I think, but the judges are totally befuddled. Ryan tells Paula he doesn't want to "put her on the spot," meaning he doesn't have time for her mess, but she tells Ryan she has something to say. She doesn't. Doesn't stop her, though. Simon says it hardly matters and he doesn't care, but if he had to guess he'd say Asia'h is going home. She is the least interesting or memorable person of the 16, just edging out KLC for that title, so I think he's right. And so he is. So we have our Top Six Ladies, and they include both Amanda and Colonel KLC. Neat.
Video journey of Asia'h singing all ghetto song after song, dead dad times a billion, being cute all over the place and being super fun, "Hollywood Is Not America," and then Paula babbles and blesses her, and she chooses to sing her song in a really dumb-looking dress from Ross. Man, there is nothing sadder than a crying girl with a dead dad and an ugly dress trying to rock out to "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." That is the worst! Well, basically: Danny and Chikezie, all alone on the stage during the singout, dance awkwardly while she slowly gets her mojo together, and Paula says (correctly) that it was probably her best performance.
Ryan calls up the last two guys and asks Danny why he's crying, and Danny says it's because he loves Kady and Asia'h. Chikezie: Randy said it was surprising, Paula loved it, but Simon didn't. Danny had less conviction with his vocal than necessary, Paula loves the pocket gays, and Simon thought it was awful. And so Danny is going home. Ramiele completely loses her shit, while upstairs Chikezie's parents go completely nuts and start loudly praying with their hands in the air. Wow. While Ramiele starts making little slices in her skin, and Ryan calls Danny the most "courageous" contestant ever, Danny grows his hair out in the video package and...it's curious, because there are plenty of moments all through this shit where he was normal and not trying to give the impression that he has lost his senses, but we didn't get to see many of those moments. We weren't really asking for them. I think there's something tainted in America that made him act that way, and then punished him for acting that way. I think he knew what was going on, but let his trust and hope about America get in the way of his utility. I think there's nothing yucky about Paula's optimism or Simon's pragmatism, but they do demand a lot more than I think most people, viewers and contestants alike, are willing to give.
1 2 3 4
I think that another way to look at the two narratives is to say this: the Paula story, about dreams coming true, serves to make this show a packaged product. The Simon story, by accomplishing that, also promises to make the people themselves a packaged product with a shelflife longer than this show. To say "I can make you the Kelly Clarkson," first you have to say, "I think you can become the Kelly Clarkson." And normally these things work together because of the structure of the show as a competition: rubbing off the edges and perfecting the performances week after week. I'm always shocked when they bring back old contestants, because we can remember when they were unformed and jagged, and when they come back they seem like these perfect, practiced machines. But I think the issue with Danny really comes down to this: he contributed to the show as a packaged product, he got the Sanjaya engines turning, he was a topic of discussion. But the show didn't return the favor, because "a Danny" is not, in 2008, a salable product. He's an ensemble player who got lied to and told that it was possible to become a lead, and it's not. Not today. Maybe not ever.
There's something ironic in the fact that Danny got Afghanistaned in this way -- used for the show's purposes and then being punished by America for being good at it -- with this, of all possible songs. There's something tainted about dudes kissing, and we are willing to forgive it as long as it stays small and silly and funny. There's something tainted about that love. But what's more tainted than homosexuality is the way that we, at this cusp of our national development, at this very specific moment in humanism and our social evolution as a culture, relate to it. We run to him, we run from him, we took all the boy could give, and it turns out that's not nearly all. America gets an F for knocking him off his pedestal, because it's way too early, but mostly: F America for putting him up there at all. He deserved better.
1 2 3 4