Brooke's big surprise for us is that she went to beauty school. Brooke, let's work on what "surprise" means, okay? "Surprise" would be hearing that you shoplifted a Hershey bar -- on a dare -- at age sixteen. Or that you once danced in a 50 Cent music video. She tells us about how she looks at people on the street and sees the potential in their hair (oh my God, so does Paula!), but once she realized she might have a career in singing, she became an actual "Beauty School Dropout." You have to figure at least 2% of people who go to beauty school go so they can drop out and sing that song to their friends, right? On stage, Brooke's seated with her guitar, singing Carly Simon's "You're So Vain." It's a very good vocal, and Brooke sounds enough like Carly Simon to make it sound like a good fit for her. My problem is that that song, for me, is all about that half-pissed, half-condescending attitude Simon puts into it when she sings. It's a clever song with a great sing-along chorus, but unless you're putting that extra bit of personal disgust into it, you're not bringing it fully to life. But it's a fine performance nonetheless. Randy pats himself on the back for saying she had a "Carly Simon vibe" weeks ago, then makes the obligatory reference to Simon as the object of the song. Paula says it was a good fit to her voice and like "what [she] brought to it," which according to Paula was "familiarity." Paula liked that Brooke remembered all the words, is I guess what she's saying. Simon "absolutely loved" it, because he goes crazy for when a performer plays up to his or her image. Ryan takes the stage and he and Simon play tag with the whole "I bet you think this song is about you" thing, as you knew they would.
After the break, Ryan and Ramiele talk about how much she was crying last week, and she explains that Joanne (her roommate) and Colton were part of her little "four-person crew." She doesn't say who else, but I've heard it's Kady, which would explain those tears as well. I'll also venture a guess that Ramiele's four-person crew is going to be a one-person crew real damn quick. Ramiele's secret is Polynesian/hula dancing. I will venture a guess that this will go over with the public better than Sanjaya's hula dancing. She's singing "Don't Leave Me This Way," which is an odd fit, image-wise. I mean, the world could always use a teensy disco diva, but there were mounds of coke bigger than her at Studio 54. Randy thought it was "just okay," and wasn't a good choice for her. Paula goes the step and says Ramiele's voice didn't really go anywhere during the song, which is a pretty accurate assessment. Good night for Paula so far. Simon "astonishingly" agrees with her, while also expressing how very over hearing that song -- a staple at every ghastly wedding he's ever been to -- he is. He still thinks she's one of the "top three best singers in the competition," but this wasn't her best week. Ryan and Randy banter about this mythical "ghastly wedding" that Simon's been talking about for seven years now, making me giggle to think that somewhere in the universe there's this Brigadoon of a wedding that's always going on, filled with every song Simon has ever hated on this show, and dozens upon dozens of drunk uncles waiting to sing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Ramiele says she was concerned about singing another slow song, for fear of being called "Lullaby" rather than "Malubay" by certain bitchy people on the internet who write about the show. Ramiele, I totally wouldn't have done that! Honest!
So: Alaina Whitaker. Last week, I thought she was the best of that horde of similar blonde-ish country girls. This week, she makes a play for that Melinda Doolittle OCD audience, as her big secret is that she's one of those people who can't let their food touch each other on her plate. Maybe she thinks that's how Melinda made it to Final 4? Alaina and I need to chat. She sings "Hopelessly Devoted To You" in a style that ignores everything but the big notes and hopes we'll all do the same. Maybe it's just that after Pushing Daisies I'm not ready to accept another version of this song on network TV this year, but Alaina's not knocking me out here, and at times it's actively bad. Randy, continuing a theme tonight, says it was a bad choice; he didn't even like the big notes. Paula assessment is "Not as bad as Randy thought." Simon thought she came across too old and Grandma-inspired, and at 17, she should have been able to present herself as more "current." However, he does think she could be a "dark horse" in the competition if she "sorts [herself] out."
We may not know that Alexandréa used to be the "poster child" for the Atlanta fire department, as her dad was a firefighter. Sang at Ground Zero and everything. On stage, she's singing Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now," which has me nervous. I'm permanently nervous for Alexandréa because I really want her to make Top 12 and I worry she won't, but this song especially seems like it rides that disastrous line of being both boring and too obscure for the people voting for the show. Plus, again, it's a perfect crushing singout song. No, Alexandréa, no! She sings the song perfectly well, all dressed up in her weird fashions (cargo shorts and a bubble jacket?), but I fear she's gonna get creamed. So does she, apparently, because when Randy asks how she thought it went, she's like, "Well, it's over." Yeah. Way too safe a song, says Randy, though Paula says she "made it [her] own." They both love Alexandréa and want her to do well as much as I do, though. Simon thinks the song is way too dated (more so than these other '70s songs) and that Alexandréa (who he likes very much as well) is struggling right now. He does, however, dig her weirdo fashion, in the same way he dug Ruben's weirdo fashion: it's what he believes the kids are wearing today. So bottom line: everybody loves you! Do better!
We continue to be reminded that Kady Malloy is the one who can impersonate Britney, because otherwise we honestly wouldn't know who she is. She says what we don't know is that she can also sing opera. So that's two styles of singing that aren't applicable to this show. Awesome. Onstage, she's singing "Magic Man." Ann Wilson, your good luck charm on this show is officially being put to the test. On the bright side for Kady, no one can accuse her of sounding too much like the original this time. Kady stays steadfastly in the middle of the road the entire time, delivering a performance that is neither bad nor particularly good. Both Randy and Paula say the verses sounded like shit, but Paula at least liked the power notes. Simon's "frustrated" because he thinks Kady comes across so well on the tape, but on stage she still has no idea what kind of singer she is. He also calls "Magic Man" a song he's never heard before and one which has no melody. I believe he's correct on both counts. Kady exudes her usual amount of brattiness in response to this, and I continue to be ambivalent, mostly because while the bratty thing is annoying, I think this constant "just be yourself" criticism has to be mad frustrating. She insists that she was just having fun with the song, and then Ryan semi-creepily asks her to thank him in her Britney voice. This poor girl. Some chump's going to ask her to do the Britney voice, like, while they're making out. And by "some chump" I mean "every single guy she ever hooks up with in her life." Gross.