Which means the third spot is going to either Ju'Not or Jorge, which is fantastic because they were already fighting the battle of Who Could Make You Care Less. There's talk of "Delilah" and how it was less horrible than getting slugged in the nuts with a hardcover copy of The Satanic Verses, while Jorge babbled in Spanish and cried until he was patronized to death by Kara and Paula. Ryan does the whole, "You'll find out..." and they pretend to be mad, and then he goes, "...right now. Jorge." Who babbles in Spanish and cries, because that's what he does. I hate this goddamn show. Von claps, but his eyes are like, "Fucking seriously."
Wild Cards! Standing upstairs in the red room we have Jackie Fucking Tohn, Sex Hick Brent, Jesse acting less weird, Matty G in some sort of military jacket, Megan Corkrey, Bear Porn, Jasmine, Nick Mitchell, Anoop, Ricky B and Tatiana. Which is eleven people, plus I guess a couple from tonight, I'm guessing Von and Ju'Not, who will be singing tomorrow... Nope, it's all of the people on the couch: Nate, Kristen, Von, both Silvers, doomed Arianna, Kendall and Ju'Not, and Alex Alex Alex. So that's 20 people? In an hour, on Thursday, somehow 20 people will be whittled down to three. But wait, there are more shocks to come apparently.
Okay. Well, Bear Porn and Brent are out because of Sarver. Ricky B, Arianna, the other Silver, and Alex are out because of reality and its ways. Anoop is almost certainly in, and I have a good feeling about Jasmine. Jesse, Megan, Kristen and Taylor essentially cancel each other out, but one of them might get through. I would rather have Jackie than almost any of these people -- but especially Kristen, of course -- and I feel like Jackie might get through just because she's awful, and because she's a professional and very talented, which puts her over the edge compared to everybody. I really do have my fingers crossed for Tatiana and/or Nick, which shows how far we've come, and I was about to say "one but not both" when I realized that, if Alex has no chance (and he doesn't), we might as well have both of their asses to make up for it. Who's left? Kendall and Matt G have their Carrie and Elliott niches, respectively, and Ju'Not has more of a chance than I'd like. Nate and Von I can't get a read on at all and I'm well too biased to be smart about it, but I honestly think Von has a decent chance.
Oh, okay. So now those 20 people will be whittled down to eight, who will sing tomorrow night. Ryan's like, "Simon, why is this fucking Byzantine?" Simon explains that J. Hud and Clay are thanks to Wild Card, and this year the song choices were especially "stupid" or contestants were screwed by being in really hard groups, like with a blind guy or Adam Lambert. Amazingly, he reveals that they changed one of them over this commercial break. Barring his tempestuous romance with Ryan Seacrest, that's, like, the most transparent he's ever been! I wonder if it hurt.
That guy who is a judge on this show names the first choice, and it's Von. Paula advises him to "be himself" and "let go" of his worries, because he's got it in him, and to stop wearing hats. Kara says number two girl is commercially appealing, with rough spots throughout: Jasmine, obviously. She's the cutest person in the universe, of course she's getting through. I am kind of loving this. Advice for Jasmine: "kill us with your vocals" and "stay in your lane," by which Kara means "sing Rihanna songs each week and don't suddenly turn ugly."
Paula's first pick is from Group A, and she finds him flawless: that's Ricky Braddy, about whom we simply couldn't stop saying he was screwed under the radar. Makes sense. Number four is -- after Simon begs Ryan to stop being a smartass and calling him "Darth Vader," and Ryan apologizes -- Megan, who pissed the judges off by never living up to her first audition. Her plan now? To sing good.
So there are 16 people up there, with four WC spots to go. That man at the judges' table sees "something" in the person, who was polarizing and insane... And it's Tatiana! Awesome! She runs downstairs crying and screaming and dressed in about three bathing suits that have been stitched together into a dress. She falls on her knees, Ryan hauls her crazy ass up again, and then she refuses to answer his questions with words, and then gives us her fucking autobiography one more time. If we were at the soda shoppe and I asked you what your favorite ice cream was, you'd say "Rocky Road" or "Pink Bubblegum" or whatever the actual answer is, right? But if you asked Tatiana, she would say, "My favorite ice cream is I want this so much, thank you so much, I've worked really hard to get this far, thank you." If you asked her who her favorite contestant was, she would say her left shoe, because it worked so hard to get here. She just honestly doesn't know about how there's other people.
: Matt G. Also unsurprising. Where the eff is Anoop already? Paula's choice -- "we all put our minds together this was a last minute change" -- is Jesse, thank God. Maybe now she can start acting like a normal girl again instead of those vampire ladies from Dracula every time there's a fucking camera on her. And the last spot, Simon says, was one of the easiest decisions of the whole Top 8. "Original, likeable, talented..." And there's Anoop. Awesome. That was like the easiest thing ever to deal with, because duh.
So as Jorge sings "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me," or as I like to call it, "Hand Me That Remote," here's what we've got on the blocks for tomorrow. Eight people, going for three spots, so the Top 12 can start week: Von, Ricky, Matt G and Anoop; and Jasmine, Megan, Tatiana and Jesse. I say Jasmine for sure, but I have no idea about the guys or the N contestant. Ricky and Jesse never really had a shot, but then, since nobody's voting, even that old standby doesn't mean anything. In fact, none of this means anything, because it's just like Hollywood: smaller and smaller groups, whittled down for no reason by the judgery, to kill time. So who knows. On the upside: No Nick and no Jackie, which makes me think Tatiana's swan song is going to be tonight, and that'll probably be insane, which will be good. See you there.
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