Casey was truly fucking fantastic last night, and knows it, but not in a yucky way. He joins Lee on the not-B3 side of the stage... Except we move to Aaron Kelly, who is looking fresh-faced and clever as usual. He's so sincerely likeable in a way that has nothing to do with this show; Simon agrees, but warns that he still tries to sound like the orig every time, and should be taking hold of his artistry and pretending it's his album every time. He goes over to Big Mike, which is still looking like B3ville. Tim stands up to such violent screams that his dewy sexiness is shocked. He goes over to Lee and Casey, so we're good. Aaron deserves B3 just to pull it together.
Andrew was a fucking "Copa Cabana" joke, and still doesn't know why, and of course he's with Mike and Aaron. One group -- Casey, Lee, Tim -- is safe, and one group -- Mike, Aaron, fucking Andrew -- are B3. Ellen guesses, after dicking around and joking about, some group, I don't know because obviously Group A is safe. So they go back to the couches, and that leaves Mike, Aaron and Andrew. And I'm not being biased when I say fucking Andrew, for sure and obvious. Ryan taps Aaron on the chest and sends him back. He looks older than he ever has. So wait, that's Mike and Andrew? I know what I want, but I also know America is stupid. And Mike was outré last night, while Andrew was depressingly retarded. So I guess either way. But first: Rihanna.
This song played one time that Jenny Humphrey whored out in slow-mo, so I'll always love it for that reason alone. Ryan's like, Rihanna dominates pop culture and the charts, which is a weird hairsplitting that seems to put black eyes at the front of your mind, and then Rihanna does her usual alien brain thing in a latex catsuit that looks like it's not only painted on but still in the form of a liquid, and she could not give a fuck about her backing track -- you hear me, Simpson? -- and drops the mic as she feels fit. The song is about how she's a rock star, and the performance is not unlike the reality, and one of the backup dancers is making sparks fly off her chest, and then Rihanna goes all Am Appy on the stage, arching back and having migraines, and being amazing. It's a good song with not a lot of content, but I've always thought Rihanna operates on a level to which I have not yet gained access, so I will always trust her.
I hope those sparks burned the shit out of every boy still on the couch that fucking covered Chris Brown in auditions.
Okay, Big Mike and Andrew. The Uterus and the Neck Tattoo. Love and hate. And who's safe? ANDREW. FUCKING A.
So now Big Mike sings for his life and I hope he does last night, and not the Kate Bush song... Which is what he's doing. Fuuuuuck. He pastes a giant vagina on his head, and fuckin'... Wait, I'm totally sad. I cannot bitch about this at all. His beautiful wife, owner of the vagina he's singing about, is just so pretty and crying so hard for him, and Crystal has all kind of feelings and such, and it's actually sort of horrible. Wife cries like whoa. Ryan whips up our feelings and thoughts and emotions about the POV, and tells everybody in the studio to "bring it down" before Simon says he wishes he'd been that good last night. And yeah, I hated "This Woman's Work" when he did it, but that performance just now was so fucking awesome...
And they save him. So you best fucking vote your ass for Siobhan, because there is no way. So congrats to the almighty uterus and I hope he continues to be amazing, because I do like him, but this is guaranteed to scare him back into his box so far we'll see him week singing "Dance With My Father" but change it to "Dance With The Mother (Of My Child Who Expelled My Child Out Of Her Uterus Through Her Cervix Which Is The Trapdoor Of Your Vagina Into Her Vagina And Thence Out Into The World While I Was On A Game Show)."
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