"What have you done?" Ryan asks America, and for once it's presumably something good. I say the M/F are Adam/Allison, although I'm flummoxed as to who the N might be. Those are the only ones I really remember. I was intrigued by Megan, and by the thought that maybe Adam and Von Smith are not a pair, but in fact Adam and Normund are the pair, and that's why they're here together. Paula's beehive is fading somewhat, and Kara's back in her requisite "night look" attire: a thousand necklaces and an off-the-shoulder top.
Simon gets nervous when Ryan compliments his new fake tan, and we're treated to another meaningless stream of things we've already seen: Matt B welding, Kai's hair and mom, Nick acting like a douchebag, that one girl's insane puppet face, Matt G's belief, as a "big destiny person," whatever the eff that means, that he belongs here. Move along, move along. Let's get these all-American rejects going.
Group sing! Ne-Yo's pretty song "Closer" involves: Adam trying to have more sex with you and in that department outshining Matt G, who is wearing an old lady scarf around his shoulders like a nod to the crisp Eastern European weather and itching to grab his crotch; Matt B bouncing awkwardly while Kai revolves his hips in a creepily overexcited, snaky, gay stripper way while trying to be sexy into the camera and basically just coming off like a deranged Sunday School teacher at Happy Hour; and then weirdest of all there's Nick looking once again like he wandered onstage after deserting his mental hospital's day trip to the studio, while to him Kris does some kind of gay b-boy gyration dancing that says, "I know I'm going home tonight and I'm cool with that. But damn, am I adorable or what?" Then Giraud gets super-squatty, Adam upstages everybody of course, Matt looks completely lost, Kris goes into a total funk meltdown, and Nick is... still onstage. Then they all go into a shoulder-dipping, finger-snapping bit of business, and that's the best part.
Over in Suffragette City, on the couch, things are vastly weirder. Megan -- shaking her boobies in that weird dance she was doing last night -- Mishavonna's humungous face, and Allison lean forward and sing; then they lean back and what's left of Jesse, the unsinkable Jasmine Murray, and that crazy-looking one lean forward. Megan looks gross tonight, ya'll. She did not get the red pants memo. On the other hand, the insane-looking one is wearing shorts with suspenders, the tightest Holly Hobbie shirt ever imagined, and boots. Welcome to my legs! Say farewell to them!
The harmonies are nice, but the terrified awkwardness of Nick and Matt B in one shot -- especially when they're having to share the screen with Adam -- is really too much to bear. Then, as a total spoiler alert for you, Adam goes over to one set of girls and upstages them, while Matt G hangs at the back of the other half of the girls, and the remaining four dudes literally just wander around for awhile. Then the same shit happens some more, and then some more. Matt B is starting to make me uncomfortable with how much he shouldn't be here, but not as much as the Diva Wars that continue throughout between Adam and Nick Mitchell. Ladies, please.
Jesse leans back against Kris and mugs terrifyingly for the camera, looking like a pageant contender but for, like, Queen of Porn. I hope she watches that after her elimination and realizes how desperate and Nip/Tuck she looks right now, because man. We visit the kids backstage, which amounts to Adam, Crazyface, and Nick mythologizing themselves; remember Simon pointing out that the time for advice is over; and then some highlights. Which I don't need to be messing around with right now, especially when half of it is Nick Mitchell making a mockery of like everything ever.
Ryan asks him what he's looking for, and he cutely admits that "employment" is big on his list of dreams. Ryan loves that, because no matter how many jobs he has he wants more. Eventually Ryan will have all the jobs, and then he can give Nick some of the jobs. And he will stop. I do believe that Nick is this nervous and insecure in real life, which sucks because that's two kinds of people I don't like made of the extremes of somebody I honestly think I would like a whole lot. Did you know that when he was little and his interests changed from baseball to musical theatre, his dad just cashed in his Yankees tickets or whatever and got Broadway ones instead? I love that. I love the Mitchells and Nick. On the other hand, that kind of awesome parenting also results in the kind of self-inner confidence that Normund Gentle deserves to exist.
Matt B says some retarded moral high-ground thing about how you're never too old for "advice" -- and Ryan notes some imaginary "animosity" between him and Simon -- that once again misses the point entirely. It's not advice and it's not an opinion that you can "disagree" with. Simon says, "I don't like the song and I don't think you should have sung it," that's not something you can agree or disagree with. Disagree with that and you're just saying "Yes you do like the song, and yes you do think I should have sung it." Or you're just being a repetitive brat and saying, "Well, I do like the song, and I do think I should have sung it." Both of which are stupid, as is the assumption that Simon has any emotional investment in Matt B at all, which is why Simon gets so irritated by all this shit. And me too, so whatever, moving on. Simon's like, "It's too late for me to respond." Whether or not he gets through tonight is a fact, something that you cannot disagree with. If Simon is right -- and he always is -- then Matt will not get through. If Simon is wrong -- which he never is -- then Matt will go home. None of these have anything to do with opinion or debate of any kind, because they are facts. I am so over Bear Porn.