How many? Ten? We got ten. Maybe nine if Crystal's still incapacitated. Tonight we're starting with Siobhan, Paige, Katelyn once again dressed nuts, Lilly sucking, Michelle being gross, Didi and Katie being lovely, Lacey sickening as usual, and then Haeley and Crystal bringing up the rear? Or maybe starting? (She's fine, by the way, and looking lovelier every week.) That sounds like a good night.
Randy says the guys were hot last night, and some things. Ellen believes that song choice is everything, like everybody else always says, but brightens up the boilerplate with some "I sang 'Who Let The Dogs Out' at my Nana's funeral. Sorry, Nana." Ryan asks Kara why she's sitting so close to Simon's "plunging neckline" these days, which is the two things that Kara always gets weird about crossed with the actual third thing, which is that I think she can't stand Ellen. She's always trying to talk over her and get her laughs. So she and Simon babble uncomfortably for a while in monotones, and it's so freaky that eventually Ryan apologizes most sincerely for making it awkward.
Oh, Crystal's up first? That's good. Or bad. Well, either way it's Crystal. Her secret is that she has a twin brother, who is apparently also a lesbian. She carries around a bag of magic memorabilia charms with her everywhere she goes, like Heidi Klum with that bag of teeth. Crystal will be singing Creedence's "Long As I Can See The Light," with a gospel spin, and will be doing it in such a way as to impress Simon on the subway, because he said something about her busking in the subway. If, of course, he ever took the subway, which he doesn't, and so then they cut to his trailer, which is two stories high.
Back in the studio, shit has gotten disturbing: Kara's crawling all over Simon's body in a way that surpasses the way Paula used to do it, which I would have said was impossible, and Ryan's looming over them like that moment in the movie where you realize too much coke has been done and there's about to be scary sex, going, "Big head, big trailer..."
But what happens is, I think, Crystal Bowersox wins American Idol. Her voice is beautiful and she does all the things, the Janis things and the Joan Osborne things and country things and the gospel things, and she looks so pretty with all her missing teeth, and it's amazing. Like, this show has always treated her kind of like we're in church and lucky to be spending time with her, but this time it's actually like that: Jesus and Mary fly out of the screen at your face; little doves twitter about, placing laurel leaves among her dreadlocks.
And yeah, it's "The Climb," obviously. Although for a second I was picturing some kind of technotronic remix of "Party In The USA" with mostly yodeling. That would be badass. Instead, we get this fakey-shakey karaoke version of a song that's already like churned out of the Shania/Faith/Disney melody machine, and Haeley fucking it up in every possible way she can. If you close your eyes it's like you're in the Thursday future, watching her video journey while she sings this song and tries not to cry.
Quel cauchemar, Haeley. Bad form. Randy calls it "excruciating," Ellen feels betrayed basically, Kara compares her to Alex Lambert -- which I did last night before she took a meat cleaver to my affections -- and tells her to go practice for a year so that her talent becomes presentable. Simon's like, "Look, I don't want to add to the bloodbath you've created here, so let's just say that you have ruined everything and leave it at that." Ryan gets offended on her behalf, and things get even more tense, and Simon just stares at him and Ryan stares at Simon and then basically says goodbye to Haeley because America have already RSVP'd their intentions to miss this party. I still stand by what I said about her last week performance, but this week was a choke-choke-choke.
Lacey looks just repulsive as usual, with her double-wide Bozo hair and million necklaces and stupid shirt and her giving thanks for Crystal's emergency because it gave her more time to practice. ("Sorry, guys!" she laughs, while Crystal sits over on the red couch like on dialysis.) Lacey's secret is that she really likes to fuck up antiques by painting them to look like shit and then forcing them on her friends. As if I needed more reasons to hate her. We revisit her "Landslide" mental breakdown and Kara's recommendation of Sixpence None The Richer, which she will now be singing. I hope it's horrible, I really do.
...And we're in luck! Her cutesy twangy fades in and out, the baby voice is all over the place again, weirdo pronunciations, lazy arrangement, random repeating words on the same notes over and over, wheeze-shoving it out like somebody has lightly rested one corner of her trailer home on her diaphragm. It is abominable, although not as bad as Haeley. I don't think anything will ever be that bad. She shot the moon.
Randy and Kara make fun of her for doing what Kara said, Simon laughs, Ellen calls her "adorable" and praises her personality -- which yeah, she seems sweet; sweet and dumb -- and Kara says that this song brought out the original unique tone of her voice that got her to Top 24 in the first place. But that ultimately she didn't really try or do anything interesting, because she is dumb, and whatever. Simon clarifies that it was marginally better, but that she will never succeed because she will just follow their directions and she has no artistry. She's the Chris Sligh to Crystal's Bo Bice and there's never going to be anything she can do about that, because she's real stupid. Then she acts dumb some more and looks like hell some more and gets fake-smiley and passive-aggressive and offended and she's just way, way too much to deal with. Go home, Lacey and Michelle! I've got to deal with Paige and Lilly this year, I don't have time for your hacky smalltime BS.
It's pretty, and technically really good, but what do you say about that song? Imagine that song, that's how it sounds. And that's basically what the Judgery has to say, too. Randy questions her move to the soul box, and Ellen is just entirely confused because her voice is so great. Kara goes, "Didi. It wasn't good. It really wasn't good." She then points out that Didi has played this really inconsistently, because she went from singer-songwriter authenticity to just a pretty voice. Exactly. I mean, I honestly couldn't think of one thing to say about it either. Simon makes fun of her voice and calls her screechy, Kara meows at a booing person, everybody feels nervous because Didi just did something so generic. She looks so sad! Thank God for Michelle, who is going to suck no matter what. Then Ryan wraps Didi in his tiny strong arms and holds her very, very tight. Which would make up for a lot.
YES! Michelle takes on... CREED! What a perfect trainwreck this will be! In a poofy skirt and leather jacket and black gloves. I already know this is going to be the most awesome thing that happens all night. How could it not be? You have all the elements. This is what I wanted from Haeley! She talks some fake grotty talk with Ryan for awhile and it all sounds rehearsed and yucky some more. Ryan's excited about her Creed performance, touches her a whole lot, talks about her work as a children's choir director, and there are adorable clips of that. I'm glad she likes kids. I still don't trust her but I like that, and I like the way she talks about kids. It's like she actually means it for five seconds.
What I love about this, besides the whole entire concept, is that I think she's coming at it from a God angle, because she does a lot of praying and "visualizing" before every performance. I mean, if your religion and Creed intersect at any point, go back to the beginning and roll again. Unless you're Michelle, in which case I say go for it. So she sings "With Arms Wide Open" as a slow, diva kind of thing, and it really works. There's an electric guitar in the background making it dorky, but other than that it's a fairly competent -- if slow -- arrangement. Her voice is a little shaky the entire time, when it's not being boring, and her moves are pretty hilarious -- her arms are often wide open, especially when she sings the title of the song, which she does many times -- with the boot-stamping and the head shaking laterally back and forth.
That was boring. Michelle can't even fuck up properly. She says she "felt it" while she was singing, which seemed to be somewhat true, and Randy says he likes the outfit but that she didn't do anything interesting with the song. Ding her for "not connecting," somebody. Please. Ellen says that changing the song so totally was pretty cool, which in theory it was, but I'm not sure what else she has to say. Kara says it was her best performance -- "believable for once," she says, which is half true -- but I can't disagree with that. It wasn't a nightmare, it was competent, and she seemed as authentic as she can muster. Simon agrees with Kara that it was a step up, which I guess technically it was. It was a good idea, like a Todrick sort of idea, and Simon's right that she got to about 80% of what she or a regular person could do. Simon gives her Vera Wang a shout-out, I guess to preserve the gayness equilibrium Ryan's screwing up tonight.
Randy points out that like most songs, it was written by Kara DioGuardi, and Kara acts all funny and geeky about that like she always does, which is pretty charming. Randy talks about how he wanted to hear her vocal talents -- which were totally on shout here. What is he talking about? He wanted runs and that stuff, I guess. But her voice was so much lovelier here than those stuffy things they've all been choosing. Ellen agrees with me, and Kara liked her voice here, but goes on a weird thing about how you shouldn't sing during the song and smile because it was about a jerky guy. Paige -- this is awesome -- explains that she was singing the song from the perspective of somebody who has already left the guy. Very quick. So quick, in fact, that Kara doesn't even process what she's saying. Simon tells her she is endangered, hates the song choice once again, and apologizes to Kara for dissing the song that way. Paige tells Ryan that she gets their notes entirely, and acts pretty cute, and Kara talks about herself some more, and Paige seems a lot more likeable than she has been. Still with the contacts, though.
Everybody last week was like, "Jacob, how did you live through the Boys?" And I was like, "I didn't realize everybody on earth would hate that so much." But this episode, it was bullshit. The only good things were Lacey self-destructing and the idea that I won't ever have to worry about Haeley again. But now there's Siobhan, who cannot be trusted to do anything but freak your brain out, and it's the last one of the night which is always a circus, so it's entirely possible that by the end of this recap I'll have convinced myself once again that it wasn't the worst goddamn thing.
Siobhan's secret (spy!) is that until 18 months ago she got a Mohawk. There are pictures; they are disturbing. She talks about shaving her head with two mirrors and a beard trimmer, and it's totally weird and awesome, and then she talks about doing lip drills, and how you have to hold your finger on your nose, and just remains strange and adorable and totally neat. Big hug for Katelyn -- callllllled it -- and now she's going to be singing "Think," my favorite Aretha song when I was just a tiny little gay thing.
Siobhan has a cultlike gleam in her eye, and flats about five notes in a row, but hits the things she hits so well that it seems like it might just be nerves, which is weird because she doesn't generally seem to get those. By the second verse she seems a lot more confident, which translates to louder, which is fun... And then a perfectly sustained note that only dogs can hear, which blows everybody's minds, and she gets the biggest ovation of the night. I'm so glad! That was zero percent of what's awesome about her, and she was still totally awesome.
Randy screams words and the audience screams back, for a long time. Clearly, he enjoyed it. Ellen talks so fast and so excitedly that you can't understand her except for the word "Snuggie" and then she just runs out of words altogether and pants, smiling up at her, and it's dazed and amazing. Kara says that note was so amazing and wonders if it's the glassblowing, and she's like, "I used to sing Kelly Clarkson in the shower, so thanks to Kelly C." Simon is still just so taken with how fucking weird she is, and her Gashlycrumb Tinies tattoo people whisper to themselves rhyming couplets about the burden of the gifted child, and it occurs to me that while the worst thing about this show has always been that one showy note like that will get you votes... When it's Siobhan, that's called Paying The Fucking Bills, so it's okay. It's not her thing, it's a thing she can do. It takes an ass to fill every seat, you know? And I'm not sure if that's because I adore her or if it actually qualifies her for a pass, but I think there's a whole other kind of integrity at work when you're like, "Big showy note? Done." Instead of thinking that singing means only that. Either way, I'm grateful she did it.
So Crystal was safe, lovely, and more talented than anyone on Earth; Haeley went ahead and shot the moon instead of doing what Siobhan just did; Lacey is just Boys Don't Cry amounts of tragic at all times; Katie Stevens is some kind of ageless thing that is all ages simultaneously; Didi sort of gave up, but is so talented and pretty; Michelle actually did something creative, and not even poorly; Lilly did the same shit as always, and as always did it really well; Katelyn rewarded our faith in her many times over; Paige turned out to be surprisingly vibrant when outside her box; Siobhan thinks we are all her playthings and she can do whatever she wants.
Tomorrow: And what washed-up old Idols will be gracing the stage? And will Kris and his automobile ever learn to live in peace? And why does Austin Fox News think that this qualifies as news: "A dog attacked a cop, so he shot it." That's not news, that's just life east of Airport Blvd. (And... Yep, Springdale. Callllllled it.) Who's going home? Aaron and somebody, hopefully John, and Haeley and Lacey. Crystal, Lilly, Katelyn and Siobhan will get lauded, and Michelle/Didi will feel the heat, but Paige and Katie are totally safe. Am I completely off-base here? It feels like it might be one of those nights where I feel kindly toward everybody, and in fact this episode was as bad as it seemed before, but looking at the people now? Not as much deadwood as we thought, maybe. Good. That's how it should be all the time.