Smokey Robinson has been watching the show all along, and agrees that this season is the awesomest, but not in that way where the current season is the best thing ever. I think he actually thinks that. He is a sweet man, I think. He seems really earnest. I wonder when his birthday is... Man, astrology is so dumb because it's always right. Smokey Robinson is on the cusp of Pisces and Aquarius, so he literally is the nicest man out of every 365.25 people. Maybe every day is his best day ever. Simon is smack in the middle of Libra, which makes sense because people always get confused about whether or not he's a dick, or just right.
Ryan and Simon keep getting into this fight that so boring I had to rewind it a hundred times. So I guess on the Tonight Show Simon said that either Diddy or Obama tried to schedule lunch with him, and he blew it off to have lunch with the other one. None of which is true. And I guess that some blogger or something ran with it, so now Ryan has to do the obligatory "let's clear something up," which always irritates Simon, rightfully, and anyway: Whatever you thought happened on the Tonight Show was not what happened, because it was a joke. And it's a small but I think integral moment of personal revolution that I will now refuse to clear up the clearing up business by finding out what the eff they are talking about. Seacrest, you can consider me actively revolting. Just like Speidi.
Ryan calls last night "eclectic," which is an interesting word for what it was, which was sort of so well-done that it was boring (everybody), or so weird and horrible that it should go away post-haste (Sarver and Megan), or Adam who is not in a category of any kind to the point that if you think he is, poof he is not. Unless that category is "Things Smokey Robinson Loves More Than Kittens," of course.
Okay medley time, after a little technical fuckuppery. Allison is dressed like a daycare worker, Megal is dressed like a Farrah Fawcett poster on the garage floor, and Lil is dressed like Nadia Turner's mom. They are lipsynching the shit out of it. Why. Why do we even have to watch this, if there's no chance of a fiery wreck? When does this become Sonny & Cher Variety Hour or whatever? The guys are pretty hard to take running through the medley ("You're All I Need To Get By," "Ain't No Mountain") with really lame toe-touching dance moves, lots of white light, and monochrome footage of Diana Ross and the inside of a building. And I don't know how to spell Berry Gordy, and that word is rubato; and last year I didn't know to spell Berry Gordy or what that word was; and year I won't know how to spell his name, or what that word means. Lil and Adam get the big solos, and do a great deal with them as usual.
She's safe, so it's Mike down on the stools trying to talk to Matt, who is flipping out down there and not interested in conversing. I would talk to him all day long, I love guys like that. They are so nice it's freaky. But I know that I would last about two seconds before going into babblemode like, "That's so funny because your song reminds me of this song by TLC and whenever I think about them now I remember to always save a little money when I can and not set fire to people's houses, and then I get sad because Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez died and it's awful, and then I think about my plan to airbrush her face on my car."
And that's when the niceness goes on autopilot, when you say shit like that to people who are unprepared, which is one reason -- beyond the obstacles it presents, as noted by scholar Natasha Leggero, to creating the illusion that I am from old New England money -- that I am really quiet on public transportation, because it's there, lurking and laying in wait, every second of every day, and the last place you want to be irritating is on a bus with the kind of person who rides the bus. They are not in the mood. And over on the couches, Megan looks like her water just broke. Why can't she even sit quietly like a normal person? That's like the easiest activity. Even Randy Jackson can do that. At least a third of the time he's asked to.
Joss Stone is so pretty that it's surprising every time, like the people on Brothers & Sisters. She is dressed like Serena but sans boobs, and her hair has crazy Saving Grace braids in it, and her hemline is all over the floor so I can't see her shoes. Smokey is singing a song with her that is very Smokey Robinson, and she is rocking out to it. Sometimes musicians love music so much it's embarrassing when they do it right in front of you. Not as bad as karaoke, but pretty bad. Also, they are singing this duet as though they are Lovers. It's disturbing. If I weren't so very tired from this week I would probably go off on a thing, but frankly it's so freaky that I might just leave it alone anyway. There is no chance that they are, right, but then they are doing a very good job of seeming like it is. That's what you call cognitive dissonance: two opposite things that together make you feel like you have ferrets smashing trashcan lids together in your head.
Okay, so I think there's time to get to the point of this show without much more fooferaw. It's funny, because the whole Power of Veto thing already made the results show interesting, which is the whole point of the PoV, but then they're still an hour, so the results show is just like this neverending cascade of random shit: the usual group number and pimpmercial, and then an old Idol, and then somebody singing a song for no reason with Joss Stone, and then the dicking around with the chairs and couches and stools, and then it's over, but and then the actual PoV hatefulness, and then it's over for real. year they'll add like a health code segment where Simon finds slime in the ice machine of random eateries, and a part where cell phones give you cancer and what common thing in your house is killing your baby.
The industry monster in me loves the PoV most of all, because way to build up your ratings on both nights by making results a must-watch, instead of saying, "Eh, the results show always gets lower ratings," like they did before. I don't know if excellence or even improvement are words to be used here, but I like to see it evolve and try harder even though it's already the biggest thing ever on television. Like how Coke always spends more on advertising than Pepsi even though Coke always wins. There's something in me that is made gloriously happy by that. So much the better if it makes them cry. But the gold circle coin is if it makes Ryan cry, not because I hate any of them but because I love Ryan, and whenever Ryan cries I get goosebumps because he's mortal after all, which makes me think I can do anything.
Major cheers for Allison, who stands up to hear about how great she was this week, and she was in the bottom three last week. She's wearing Ed Hardy, which is twice the daycare worker effect than I even thought, and I think that should be automatic probation. What is the deal with Ed Hardy? Is it because of that Bounty Hunter person? What are you saying when you put on an Ed Hardy item? "I like the idea of motorcycles." I mean, I understand why somebody like Allison, who is both a pink-haired teenager and -- her waters run really still, let's say -- but when and why did it become this empire? Who funded that? What celebrity Tipping Pointed that into happening? Do the proceeds go toward cancer research or tooth-replacement or tattoo removal or elective sterilization in the inner city or what? It's all so Real Housewives to me. Is it that family with the big butt girl that was in the sex video? [That's the Kardashians, but I can see how you'd be confused. -- Angel] I don't want to blame the rollergirls, but I'd hate to think that... I don't know enough about this to talk about it, so I'm going to shut up and do some research. There's got to be more going on here than meets the eye. I will let you know what it is. Maybe Ashton Kutcher. It seems like a strong possibility that he's mixed up in this somehow.
And then there's Danny Gokey dancing around like the toolshed he is, which normally would befoul my mood immediately, but LOOK! STEVIE! Paula sings the "Overjoyed" song to Simon, and leans in for a kiss, and Kara acts like a douchebag a little bit in her chair, and Adam dancing in the couches is... Everybody's acting like a dork. It's sweet, really, but I wish I weren't watching it. Stevie makes everybody dork out like they're Oprah. Is there anything harder to watch than Oprah having a good time?
Oh, we're not done, huh? See, usually when people say "medley" this is what they mean: a verse and chorus of thirty-seven songs linked thematically in some way. But on this show, it seems to mean: two songs that sound pretty much the same, or two songs that sound shitty together. So I feel conditioned to feel like this Stevie performance is fifty times longer than it actually is, plus how I do not know this song he is singing right now, except it contains the word "again" a bunch of times, and a harmonica solo, and the kind of riffing that tells me we're done... And we are. Scott claps for him, but I do wonder if this feels the same way as when somebody says "You'd love my hairdresser, he's so funny." I don't imagine being a blind piano player means having the option of getting sick of hearing the names of Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. I was going to name some more, but it turns out that I am really wrong about a lot of things, e.g., neither Ricky Scaggs nor Bruce Hornsby are blind, which I've believed since I was a little kid. Meanwhile, this is what Wikipedia has to tell me: "Blind musicians are singers or instrumentalists who are physically unable to see." Thanks, Wikipedia. Fuck me for googling "blind musicians" in the first place I guess.
Ryan says that last week was really "tense" last week with Alexis, but not in the bad way that he fights against every second of every day: the good kind of tense that is the entire point of PoV. The person with the lowest votes is... Michael Sarver. Duh. I mean, this week of all weeks of course it's ridiculous to think there's any suspense here at all, so I understand the filler stuff just to keep it interesting. Mike laughs about how stupid it is to sing a song right after Stevie Wonder, and then we remember that his song is "Ain't To Proud To Beg," which is... Unfortunate, if you think about it. "If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy," etc. And he duffs it pretty majorly, but puts on a pretty good show of enjoying himself regardless. What a cute, nice man. I am glad we got to know him. He's certainly changed my mind about Jasper Fucking Texas, I'll tell you that much.