Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Prenuptial Disagreements
By Lady Lola | Season 4 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.13.2010
Cerie's rehearsal dinner. Lemon gripes to Jenna that her man hunt has been for naught. Just then Cerie introduces her to the guy she's sitting next to. It's Wesley! He smugs that he knew she'd be back, then obnoxiously pantomimes her search for someone better than him. He calls her out for the last two instances of "singles events in gymnasia" and revisiting boyfriends past. She says that she hates him, to which he counters that that's his only defect. "So where do I rank with all the other men that you've been with?" She mulls it over, realizes he has a point, and invites him to accompany her to Floyd's wedding.
Jack's apartment. Nancy lays out a breakfast spread not unlike that in Pretty Woman. She hugs Jack and says she's glad they took such a huge step together. He tries to play it down, but she confesses he's the only man she's ever been with other than her ex-husband. Jack blanches a bit at the expectations she's clearly got for their relationship. They sit down to eat, and she says she has something bad to tell him. She says she went out with her girlfriends one night and danced with a man after midnight on Saturday, which is technically Sunday: "A man had his hands on my hips on a day that was set aside for the Lord!" She laughs about Catholic guilt and how the nuns really messed her up. Jack laughs, "Not me!" as she walks away. Flustered, he goes to stab his fork into the table but misses and punctures his leg instead.
Elsewhere, Dot Com and Kenneth take Tracy to a copy shop in his old neighborhood (on the corner of 157th Street and Lieutenant Uhura Avenue). It's the location of his childhood apartment, and they hope to stage a memory excavation. Kenneth and Dot Com bicker about who bungled what logistic of this trip, and Kenneth blames himself for coming up with this harebrained scheme in the first place. Just as they're about to leave, Tracy recognizes a stairwell from his past. They head inside, where Tracy begins blubbering about all the traumas of his youth (see below). He asks why they brought him here to relive all the angst. Dot Com reminds him he needs to know the pain so he can act it out and win his Oscar. Tracy says he hates pain and vows to leave as soon as he makes copies of his passport.
Lemon's apartment. Jack interrupts her getting ready for the wedding. He tells her not to put on her judgmental face, then says he slept with Nancy. He chagrins, "I wasn't thinking at all. She put on red underwear. You would think it would clash with her hair... but it didn't!" She tells him things are ten times worse now and that he owes it to Nancy to tell her. He reminds her that "Avery is cool, collected, descended from Swedish valley people," while "Nancy is a fiery Irish nutjob descended from bog people." Lemon says it doesn't matter and that he has to leave because she has to be at the cathedral in 20 minutes to give her reading at Floyd's wedding. Jack's eyes light up that there will be a Catholic mass at the ceremony and runs out, leaving Lemon to mutter that Floyd converted for this girl while he wouldn't give Unitarianism a chance with her.
Lemon arrives at the church looking Spanxtastic. Wesley smarms about how they're meant to be just like some British TV characters, that she's his best (read: only) option and vice versa. Whoa there, pal, watch it with the hard sell, huh? Oh, but it gets better! He tells her he just got fired and needs her to sort out his immigration so he doesn't have to face the unholy clusterfuck also known as the 2012 London Olympics. Lemon can't believe this is what it's come to. She excuses herself to the front to prepare for her reading. She reminds him it's just a date. He mocks her, saying maybe she'll fall in love at first sight with a handsome groomsmen, then sings the theme song to the British show he mentioned earlier.
Meanwhile, Tracy has donned a green suit with little motion sensor balls as he does his preliminary effects test for the Garfield movie. Unfortunately, his emotions have been unleashed, so he gets a little too intense on his line delivery at the small boy playing Nermal. The director tells Tracy to take it down a notch. Tracy delivers his Oscar-ready hard knocks speech about how he'll never be able to forget the things he's seen (see below). He says there are things inside him that must get out and if the Garfield movie won't allow that, then he'll win his Oscar somewhere else. Everyone on set gives him a standing ovation as he stomps out in the suit, with the director screaming behind him.
Back at the wedding, a groomsman sits down next to Lemon. She takes one look back at Wesley, who is winking spastically. Well, as they say, desperate times... She turns to the groomsman and asks if he has a job or a girlfriend. He's a single lawyer. She gives him the fast and loose version of her dilemma and invites him to be her date to the wedding. He appreciates her direct manner and has a little tidbit for her to know, too: He's a plushie. He explains what exactly that means and loses her right around the time he gets to "yiffing." She marches back to say she'll marry Wesley.
A bit later, Lemon is in the middle of her Corinthians reading when Jack and Nancy arrive. Nancy naughtily notes that they've been up to some "bad crap." Jack takes this as his cue to confess to his love triangle. She goes off on him and nearly walks out, but he pulls the Mass card, saying she has to stay until the final blessing. She says that she'll be out of his life forever the minute the service ends. Up on the pulpit, Lemon gets a message from Jack pleading her to stall. So Lemon stalls: "And now an unscheduled reading that I think is appropriate for this lovely, romantic occasion: 'But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground--'" Seeing that this verse is not so much appropriate, she soldiers on: "'Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son's foreskin--'" Nope, that's not it! She can't help but blurt, "Come on, Bible! Help a lady out!" before finding something that's less horrifying: "'For he has sold us, and he has indeed devoured our money.'" To be continued...
Bonus! More of Tracy's delightful childhood yarns. See below...
Crimson-nuendo
Avery: Look, I know I'm supposed to go with you to Cerie's wedding this weekend, but I can't make it.
Jack: Okay, I know you and I are in a period of détente right now because of my other--
Avery: Piece of tail.
Jack: I was going to say "romantic entanglements," but you do not want to miss this wedding. It's going to be New York royalty -- the Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros.
Avery: Yes, I know Jack. You think I don't want to know what Pizzerina Sbarro's gonna be wearing?
Jack: Then come.
Avery: We both know that is a bad idea, which is why I scheduled a conflict this weekend I can't get out of.
Jack: What is it?
Avery: Well, if you must know, I'm on Dodecacil -- the pill where you only get your period once a year.
Jack: We're so close to beating that thing completely!
Atta Girl, Lemon