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Lemon is on a man-mining expedition. She's dateless for Floyd's wedding and doesn't want to be, so she determines that she can ferret out the man she's supposed to be with by revisiting all of her old boyfriends. Surely one of them won't be as bad as she remembered? Well... Sexy, stupid Drew (Jon Hamm) now has two hooks instead of hands after a helicopter ride gone wrong. And Dennis is trying to recapture the magic that was balloon boy, but with an actual boy in the balloon. And who would you guess Cerie has seated to Lemon at her wedding? The ever-present Wesley! And he's smugger than ever. When he points out that the only thing wrong with him is that she hates him -- which makes him actually the least despicable of her ex-boyfriends -- she decides to invite him to Floyd's wedding. Once there, he drops the bomb that he lost his job and needs her to get him U.S. residency because he simply can't face the London Olympics: "We're not prepared, Liz!" Terrified by Wesley's creepy facial expressions and desperation-as-love act, Lemon literally pounces on the first man she sees at the wedding... then she finds out he's a plushie and returns with her head down to Wesley to propose marriage. To be continued...
And while Lemon is juggling men on purpose, Jack wishes he had less women in his life. Avery bails on their date to Cerie's wedding because she's having her annual menstruation thanks to Dodecacil. Then Nancy shows up for an unannounced weekend of fun in NYC. Jack tries to keep things platonic to ensure that an already complicated situation doesn't get more fraught, but he just can't resist Nancy's red lingerie. The morning, she mentions what a big deal it is to her because Jack's the only man she's ever slept with besides her husband. Jack takes Nancy to the wedding to confess and repent, but she threatens to leave him forever once the ceremony is over. He calls on Lemon to stall, resulting in some spectacularly inappropriate scripture recitations about masturbation and circumcision. To be continued...
And Tracy returns to his EGOT-ing. Fortunately, the entourage advises him against securing the "O" with an animated short about the Holocaust and points him toward a script about a troubled black kid growing up in the South Bronx. It should ring about a million bells with Tracy, but he has suppressed much of his childhood. Kenneth and Dot Com take Tracy to one of his old stomping grounds, and the painful memories come rushing back. He tries to escape the flood by taking a role in Garfield 3: Feline Groovy, but Trandora's Box has already been opened, so he decides to return to the original script even if it pains him. To be continued...
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jack's office. Avery stops by with a bandage on her noggin thanks to a very hands-on episode of Mad Money the night before. Jack thought they'd stopped airing the show: "Cramer's been dead for six months." Guess they tapped into some of that old cryo magic they used on Don Geiss. Avery tells Jack she won't be able to attend Cerie's wedding that weekend because she's still pissed about Nancy and thus scheduled her Dodecacil-regulated annual menstrual cycle to conflict with the ceremony. She's scheduled a secluded two-week retreat in the Adirondacks for herself and her raging hormones. She urges Jack to do some thinking while she's gone.
He sees her out to the elevator. As Avery's door closes, the one beside it opens with Nancy inside. He bids them both "Aloha" since it means both "Hello" and "Goodbye." None-the-wiser Nancy marches out for an impromptu weekend of romance and shark boat tours. He tells her he has some thinking to do, but she says he can do it with her.
Downstairs, Cerie asks who Lemon's bringing to the wedding. When Lemon says she is flying solo, Cerie asks if she can seat her to her dad's mistress's cousin. Lemon consents, then moans about her Heigl-like story arc. Jenna can't believe Lemon's going to Cerie's wedding alone and asks whether she'll also be dateless at Floyd's wedding. She says she'd rather die, so Jenna offers to set her up with her not-gay-when-he's-drunk trainer. Never fear, Lemon already has a plan. Based on Colleen's advice that she's already met all the different types of men, she plans to go back through her "gentleman rolodex" and see if she can lower her standards enough to find one of them less repugnant than before. Jenna likes this notion of "sexual time travel," as it was the premise for her starring role in the soft-core masterpiece Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land. (Not Emanuelle Does Dinosaur Land? Missed opportunity guys!) Frank likes the notion of Lemon lowering her standards. He invites her to meet him in the handicap bathroom stall in 10 seconds, then oafishly crashes into a couple of chairs on the way there. Credits.
Later that day, Lemon knocks on the door of her handsome ex Drew. He says he was just thinking about her because he "saw this gorgeous woman putting glasses on her daughter's Mrs. Potato Head." He invites her in to talk. He has oven mitts on and explains he's baking. She asks if he's seeing anyone, and he says he hasn't been seriously involved with anyone since her. As he goes into the kitchen to get her some water, she admits she was judgmental about his intelligence. She stops mid-sentence when he comes back out and reveals that he now has two hooks instead of hands. She gasps, and he says he didn't think to mention it because he's "just so comfortable with them." Cue him dropping her glass of water, smashing it with his hooks, knocking over end tables, and then tearing a gash in his last intact painting.
She asks what happened. He explains that he was on a Doctors Without Borders mission and, long story short, never stick your hand outside of a helicopter to wave. So that's what happened to the right hand. As for the left, long story short, don't play with fireworks, kids. Lemon realizes he actually is too dumb to be The One. He thinks it's a discrimination thing because of the hooks, but she assures him she's an equal opportunity loser at love. He tries to encourage her not to go by stroking her face gently with his right hook. She jumps back because it's burning hot. He reminds her that he was baking... his hooks apparently? Lemon leaves grumbling about how handsome he is.
Tracy's dressing room. He calls an entourage meeting to discuss his summer film role: Garfield in Garfield 3: Feline Groovy. He enjoys the fact that shooting will be entirely green screen and only take three days, all for "one million teachers' salaries." Dot Com encourages him to take a risk so that he might snag the Oscar "O" on his EGOT necklace. He hands Tracy a script written by a rapper from the South Bronx who had a similarly rough and tumble childhood to Tracy's. Tracy agrees to look it over, but he's got a back-up in an animated film he drew about the Holocaust.
Lemon's office. Jack takes Lemon aside for advice about the rapidly deteriorating Nancy-Avery situation. She suggests he come clean, but Jack thinks that's a terrible idea. Instead, he's prepared an anti-romantic evening including a documentary about female circumcision and gluttony over Indian food. Lemon tells him not to avoid the problem and do the right thing even though it's hard. He puts the kibosh on that notion and asks her expert advice on how to keep a date devoid of sex. She starts to go off on him in a high-pitched rant, but he cuts her off to mock her and say that such an annoying timbre is the perfect antidote to foreplay. She's still screeching as he runs out.
Out in the hall, Tracy says he hated the script and couldn't relate to it. Dot Com points out several points where the script intersected with Tracy's own life. Tracy says memories of his childhood are mostly a blur, so Dot Com suggests he's repressing some stuff. As you might expect, Kenneth has a Deliverance-esque anecdote about repression. Moving on! Dot Com tells Tracy this film is a sure shot at snagging his "O," so he should reconnect with his roots. Tracy rejects that idea, saying he was just on a yacht with The Roots last week.
Meanwhile, Lemon finds Dennis in a park working on some helium cans and a big, metallic silver object of some kind. He tells her he knew it was her immediately because he's personalized the vibration on his pager for "each chick [he] used to put it to." She ignores that comment and asks what he's building. Just then a Hispanic boy climbs out of a door in Dennis's contraption. Dennis slams the door on the kid, then explains, "This is Jose. I met him through this program that places troubled adults with child mentors." Lemon puts two and two together that Dennis is planning to re-enact the Balloon Boy debacle, except with an actual kid in the balloon. She opens up the door and tells Jose to run like the wind. As with Drew, Lemon realizes that Dennis is a no-go and walks off wondering what she did wrong. Dennis screams after her that she'll be back. She keeps walking, so he hits on the nearest jogger. When she keeps a-runnin', he dismisses her as a lesbian.
Jack's apartment. Nancy is enjoying a Guinness after their non-date. He puts on some marching band music to stifle the mood, so Nancy excuses herself to the bathroom before heading back to her hotel. Jack picks up the phone to order her a car service, but he barely dials the number before she returns in a positively bordello-ready red lingerie ensemble. He drops the phone and lunges toward Nancy to take her to the bedroom caveman-style.
Cerie's rehearsal dinner. Lemon gripes to Jenna that her man hunt has been for naught. Just then Cerie introduces her to the guy she's sitting to. It's Wesley! He smugs that he knew she'd be back, then obnoxiously pantomimes her search for someone better than him. He calls her out for the last two instances of "singles events in gymnasia" and revisiting boyfriends past. She says that she hates him, to which he counters that that's his only defect. "So where do I rank with all the other men that you've been with?" She mulls it over, realizes he has a point, and invites him to accompany her to Floyd's wedding.
Jack's apartment. Nancy lays out a breakfast spread not unlike that in Pretty Woman. She hugs Jack and says she's glad they took such a huge step together. He tries to play it down, but she confesses he's the only man she's ever been with other than her ex-husband. Jack blanches a bit at the expectations she's clearly got for their relationship. They sit down to eat, and she says she has something bad to tell him. She says she went out with her girlfriends one night and danced with a man after midnight on Saturday, which is technically Sunday: "A man had his hands on my hips on a day that was set aside for the Lord!" She laughs about Catholic guilt and how the nuns really messed her up. Jack laughs, "Not me!" as she walks away. Flustered, he goes to stab his fork into the table but misses and punctures his leg instead.
Elsewhere, Dot Com and Kenneth take Tracy to a copy shop in his old neighborhood (on the corner of 157th Street and Lieutenant Uhura Avenue). It's the location of his childhood apartment, and they hope to stage a memory excavation. Kenneth and Dot Com bicker about who bungled what logistic of this trip, and Kenneth blames himself for coming up with this harebrained scheme in the first place. Just as they're about to leave, Tracy recognizes a stairwell from his past. They head inside, where Tracy begins blubbering about all the traumas of his youth (see below). He asks why they brought him here to relive all the angst. Dot Com reminds him he needs to know the pain so he can act it out and win his Oscar. Tracy says he hates pain and vows to leave as soon as he makes copies of his passport.
Lemon's apartment. Jack interrupts her getting ready for the wedding. He tells her not to put on her judgmental face, then says he slept with Nancy. He chagrins, "I wasn't thinking at all. She put on red underwear. You would think it would clash with her hair... but it didn't!" She tells him things are ten times worse now and that he owes it to Nancy to tell her. He reminds her that "Avery is cool, collected, descended from Swedish valley people," while "Nancy is a fiery Irish nutjob descended from bog people." Lemon says it doesn't matter and that he has to leave because she has to be at the cathedral in 20 minutes to give her reading at Floyd's wedding. Jack's eyes light up that there will be a Catholic mass at the ceremony and runs out, leaving Lemon to mutter that Floyd converted for this girl while he wouldn't give Unitarianism a chance with her.
Lemon arrives at the church looking Spanxtastic. Wesley smarms about how they're meant to be just like some British TV characters, that she's his best (read: only) option and vice versa. Whoa there, pal, watch it with the hard sell, huh? Oh, but it gets better! He tells her he just got fired and needs her to sort out his immigration so he doesn't have to face the unholy clusterfuck also known as the 2012 London Olympics. Lemon can't believe this is what it's come to. She excuses herself to the front to prepare for her reading. She reminds him it's just a date. He mocks her, saying maybe she'll fall in love at first sight with a handsome groomsmen, then sings the theme song to the British show he mentioned earlier.
Meanwhile, Tracy has donned a green suit with little motion sensor balls as he does his preliminary effects test for the Garfield movie. Unfortunately, his emotions have been unleashed, so he gets a little too intense on his line delivery at the small boy playing Nermal. The director tells Tracy to take it down a notch. Tracy delivers his Oscar-ready hard knocks speech about how he'll never be able to forget the things he's seen (see below). He says there are things inside him that must get out and if the Garfield movie won't allow that, then he'll win his Oscar somewhere else. Everyone on set gives him a standing ovation as he stomps out in the suit, with the director screaming behind him.
Back at the wedding, a groomsman sits down to Lemon. She takes one look back at Wesley, who is winking spastically. Well, as they say, desperate times... She turns to the groomsman and asks if he has a job or a girlfriend. He's a single lawyer. She gives him the fast and loose version of her dilemma and invites him to be her date to the wedding. He appreciates her direct manner and has a little tidbit for her to know, too: He's a plushie. He explains what exactly that means and loses her right around the time he gets to "yiffing." She marches back to say she'll marry Wesley.
A bit later, Lemon is in the middle of her Corinthians reading when Jack and Nancy arrive. Nancy naughtily notes that they've been up to some "bad crap." Jack takes this as his cue to confess to his love triangle. She goes off on him and nearly walks out, but he pulls the Mass card, saying she has to stay until the final blessing. She says that she'll be out of his life forever the minute the service ends. Up on the pulpit, Lemon gets a message from Jack pleading her to stall. So Lemon stalls: "And now an unscheduled reading that I think is appropriate for this lovely, romantic occasion: 'But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground--'" Seeing that this verse is not so much appropriate, she soldiers on: "'Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son's foreskin--'" Nope, that's not it! She can't help but blurt, "Come on, Bible! Help a lady out!" before finding something that's less horrifying: "'For he has sold us, and he has indeed devoured our money.'" To be continued...
Bonus! More of Tracy's delightful childhood yarns. See below...
Crimson-nuendo
Avery: Look, I know I'm supposed to go with you to Cerie's wedding this weekend, but I can't make it.
Jack: Okay, I know you and I are in a period of détente right now because of my other--
Avery: Piece of tail.
Jack: I was going to say "romantic entanglements," but you do not want to miss this wedding. It's going to be New York royalty -- the Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros.
Avery: Yes, I know Jack. You think I don't want to know what Pizzerina Sbarro's gonna be wearing?
Jack: Then come.
Avery: We both know that is a bad idea, which is why I scheduled a conflict this weekend I can't get out of.
Jack: What is it?
Avery: Well, if you must know, I'm on Dodecacil -- the pill where you only get your period once a year.
Jack: We're so close to beating that thing completely!
Atta Girl, Lemon
Cerie: Hey Liz, I need to know the name of the date you're bringing to my wedding.
Lemon: I'm coming alone, Cerie, but I would still like two meals.
Go with the Waterfall
Lemon: Gah, three weddings in one day. I'm going to be in Spanx for 12 hours. My elastic line is gonna get infected again!
Jenna: Are you really not bringing someone to Cerie's wedding?
Lemon: I don't care about having a date.
Jenna: What about Floyd's wedding?
Lemon: If I have to sit through that alone, I will rent a car, set it on fire, and drive it off a waterfall.
Jenna: I can set you up with my trainer. He's gay -- but not when he's drunk.
I Would Have Suggested a Playful Barolo
Drew: I was just doing some baking. Can I get you something to drink?
Lemon [puts on her sexy voice]: What goes good with second chances? [Realizes it's not working] Oh, water! I'd like water.
Captain Hooks
Lemon: You know what, this was a bad idea. I should just go.
Drew: What? You're too good for me now that I have pirate hook hands?
Lemon: It is absolutely not because you are disabled. I've been dumped by four different guys in wheelchairs.
Drew: Well I'll have you know, Liz, that I am in line for a hand transplant. There's this, uh, strangler who's about to be executed, and [clasps his hooks together] I've got my hooks crossed. [Looks down and realizes he can't pull apart his hooks.]
Bait & Twitch
Tracy: What's this?
Dot Com: Hard to Watch: Based on the Book Stone Cold Bummer by Manipulate. It's about growing up in our old neighborhood.
Kenneth: And it's real Oscar bait, sir. You say things like, "You don't know my pain!" and "You watch your mouth, Tyrese!" and, in a less dramatic scene, "I'll have hash browns."
Tracy: Interesting... And I've gotta win a Oscar somehow! It's this or I submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust.
Another Glimpse into Kenneth's Storied Past
Tracy: I read the script.
Kenneth: And? Did you like it?
Tracy: I hated it! I couldn't relate.
Dot Com: What? It's about growing up poor in the South Bronx, moving from foster home to foster home, seeing a pigeon fight a baby! All of that happened to you.
Tracy: I don't remember any of that stuff. I mean, I remember being born, of course. I remember learning how to ride a bike -- but that was last year. From '75 to '82 is just a blur.
Dot Com: Then you're repressing some stuff.
Kenneth: That can happen. I remember the summer my Weebiloos group went camping, and we were taken by the hill people. thing I knew, summer was over, and it was time for back-to-school shopping!
Tubas & Turmeric
Jack: How was your dinner?
Nancy: I'm stuffed, that place was good! Way better than the Indian joint I go to in Boston -- O'Doyle's.
Jack: You know what I like after too much curry? A warm glass of milk and some John Philip Sousa marches.
Olympic Game
Lemon: I've been through every guy. There's no one left
Jenna: Come on, you sound like me at the Olympic Village.
Lemon: Ugh, so what if I go to Floyd's wedding alone? Maybe I'll just lean into it and bring a cat in a baby stroller.
And Now for a Glimpse into Tracy's Storied Past
Tracy: It's all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage -- a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
And later...
Tracy: All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen -- a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train!
And still later...
Tracy: I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
2012: The Olympocalypse
Lemon: This is just a date, Wesley.
Wesley: You know that's not true. I wouldn't be here if there was anybody else. I'm your best option, and you're mine. You see, I lost my job two days ago, and I'm now facing a little residency issue.
Lemon: What?
Wesley: I won't go back there, Liz. I can't suffer through the London Olympics. We're not prepared, Liz! Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that.
When in Toys 'R' Us, Do As the Plushies Do
Lemon: Excuse me, do you have a job and are you here with someone?
Mike: Ummm, I'm a lawyer, and I'm single.
Lemon: Okay, friend, here's the deal -- my name is Liz. I almost got 1200 on my SATs, and I need a date for this wedding, and I like your head shape. What do you say?
Mike: I would love to be your date, Liz. I like how forward you are. And may I tell you something? I'm a plushie.
Lemon: Is that a fraternity?
Mike: Kind of. It means I belong to a group of like-minded people who dress in mascot costumes--
Lemon: Oh!
Mike: And have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks--
Lemon: There it is!
Mike: Our term for intercourse is "yiffing."
Lemon: Would you excuse me, please?
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