Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Gee, Unit!
By Lady Lola | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.05.2012
Speaking of wasted potential, poor Deena is forced to sit and seethe as Pauly works his game on Ryder. Not that it takes much; she's already banged Vinny and The Unit. Even Sammi notes that she's kind of the Shore bicycle. Ronnie finally tells them to make out already, so they do, in front of everybody. It is awkward and silent, save for the smacking. Pauly quickly takes a sauced Ryder back to his room presumably to close the deal. Except he can't because Deena just walks right in to cock block the living daylights out of him. They sit in glaring silence for about 30 seconds until Deena relents and leaves the room with her head hanging down and her skirt hiking up.
Then Vinny enters the room to go to sleep and Pauly is reminded that Vinny has, in fact, also entered Ryder. Pauly wiles away the time by banging Ryder with a big hammer. That is a literal statement. There is some out-of-place blow-up toy shaped like a hammer, and Pauly is so reluctant to take Vinny's sloppy seconds that he spends many a minute hitting Ryder with the thing. Then he realizes that his penis isn't going to exercise itself, so he decides to get on with it anyway. Who says these kids don't have standards?
The next morning, the cue card reads "SLOPPY SECONDS" as Ronnie, Vinny and Pauly snicker as they quote Jay-Z: "Everybody [Ryder] just like a bus route." For spatial reference, she is in the kitchen, they are in the living room. There are no walls between them. That's how a guido respects the girl who just got him off. Classy. I mean, I totally recognize that that's all she is to him -- a means to get off -- but couldn't he at least wait until she was out of earshot? Congratulations, show, you've lowered my standards this far -- now re-read the italicized part and imagine a child parting her hands vertically as far as she possibly can. Speaking of children, I really hope someone else is meticulously cataloging these episodes so the wee ones of the future will have a full education on how to be horrible to each other. After all the die-and-let-die politicians have smothered each other with unfiltered vitriol and doggy sunglasses and have neither health care nor that elusive yet superfluous third department of government to fall back on, who will lead the way? Think of the children!