Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Gee, Unit!
By Lady Lola | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.05.2012
At the house, Snooki desperately tries to get in touch with Jionni and keeps getting voicemail. She's worried, considering how they left things (quick recap: huge fights, emotional abuse, cheating with Vinny). The trauma is somewhat broken up when the guys return, and Vinny shows off his close-shorn mullethawk. Truly, it's an indescribably hideous haircut. Someone describes him as looking like a UFC fighter, and that about sums it up. Snooki: "Vin's a juicehead! ... In training."
The kids get ready for their drinks with Danny, which they're not altogether excited for, but they figure at least he's probably paying. They moan about how dead it is (at 7 PM, mind you) as they walk in, only to be surprised by a huge crowd of their family and friends. Snooki is especially happy to see Jionni, and Vinny is so touched, he can't hold back the tears. Soon he's laughing through them, though, as Nino (the man who taught Vinny how to say DTF in Italian, you'll recall) starts working his Italian Stallion act on all the ladies. Ronnie calls Uncle Nino "the ultimate creep," saying, "I feel like he should be in this house with us. Honestly, he should get the smush room."
The joyful reunion doesn't last very long, though, because JWOWW quickly realizes that things could easily get ugly between Jionni and any number of housemates (primarily Vinny and The Situation). Witness Jionni's unhappy sidelong glances when Snooki gets chummy with Vinny's entire family.
Across the room, we finally meet The Unit, a.k.a. Sitch's wingman in stirring up a world of trouble between Snooki and Jionni in Italy, fellationically speaking. Sitch notes that Snooki's friend Ryder, who was also witness to the alleged "gettin' down," is also at the party and calls it a perfect storm. The Unit takes much pleasure in announcing that he's going to mess with Jionni all night, specifically by coming back to the Shore House. Of course Snooki is opposed to this idea. She immediately gets into with Unit, calling him a loser and insulted his improperly gelled curly hair. He moves across the room, and Snooki continues screaming at him, hating hardcore on his ridiculous name. It's pretty tough talk coming from a girl wearing a gold lamé cheetah print headband with a crinoline flower on top. The Situation pretends like he wants to play peacemaker, but it's a classic Sitch maneuver, letting his friend do the dirty work for him. Inside, you know he's relishing this.
Even Pauly notes how absurd it is. All this happens in a matter of minutes as Jionni has stepped away. When he returns, Snooki is has worked herself into tears, which only serves to confirm her guilt in Ronnie's mind. When Snooki goes to the bathroom to touch up, JWOWW makes a beeline for Unit and asks what he saw. He tells her, "I saw everything." I can't even begin to describe how gross that is. Who watches his friend get a blowjob? Oh yeah, this is Jersey Shore. They all do. Unit threatens to bring down Snooki's night if she keeps throwing him shade. Cue card: "HURRICANE SITUATION."