Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Debriefing of Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 03.04.2002
"Like what?"
"Like, say, stone throwing."
"It's not like people don't throw stones in New Canaan, Connecticut, Mr. Johnson."
"True, but they rarely throw them at my house. You see, Mr. Condit, I'm a bitchy gay architect in my nineties who used to hang with Jackie O. You're a lying government official with a Peter Pan complex, a bad eye-job, and a missing ex-girlfriend. Do you see where I'm going here?"
"I guess I can see your point. Um, so what would you recommend besides glass?"
"Slate has a lovely texture. Why, just the other day, Linda Tripp commissioned us to refurbish her Annapolis, Maryland refrigerator box. We redid it in slate and added a Plexiglas carport. It rhymes visually with the 7-11 parking lot in which it's situated."
"Plexiglas? I must say I'm intrigued."
"It's easy to clean. You'd be amazed at how much ripe fruit and vegetable matter pile up on that thing whenever she leaves the house to get into her car. Just go over it with a damp cloth on a daily basis and it's good to go."
"You know, my long-suffering wife and I were just over at Linda's eating Thai takeout and watching The Legend of Bagger Vance on DVD. We loved the renovation but I had no idea that was you. I must say, I'm getting very excited about this project, Philip. Can I call you 'Philip'?"
"'Mr. Johnson,' if you would -- thank you."
Since these recaps are starting to become a shopping guide for furniture and other finer things in life, I'd like to dedicate this one to the vineyards of Navarro Correas in Mendoza, Argentina. I don't know much about wine, but lately I have been winning all sorts of credibility among my peers when I show up at a dinner party with a Cabernet or a Syrah from the Navarro Correas vineyard -- the oldest vineyard in all of South America. It all started by accident. I was in my local wine shop, and my favorite salesperson wasn't there. This woman -- I call her "Wine Lady" -- resembles Zelda Rubinstein from Poltergeist. You know, the dwarf who's all, "Go into the light, Carol Anne!"? She wanders around the store all day with a half-full port glass in one of her hands and will usually select a wine for me based on what I'm serving for dinner. When I tell her that can spend $30, she'll choose a bottle for $7. When I tell her that I can spend $10, she'll make me buy a bottle for $27.50. And she's never wrong. My wine snob friends are always impressed by whatever she chooses for me. And these people don't hesitate to tell me if I've bought shitty wine -- which I'd normally buy if it weren't for Wine Lady. So one day, my friend John is making hangar steak and I'm in the shop looking for an accompanying Cabernet, and I can't find Wine Lady. Wine Lady's husband is trying to sell me something red, but I'm not feeling any conviction in his voice. I walk over to a random bin, yank out a Cabernet from Navarro Correas, and go, "What about this?" It was like that scene in Excalibur when Arthur pulls the sword from the stone. Everyone in the store backs away from me cautiously. One of the younger salespeople calls out, "That's an excellent wine," but then the guy next to him elbows him surreptitiously in the stomach to shut him up. As I pay for it, everyone is giving each other these silent looks of concern like they'd hid a pound of marijuana in the oregano jar and I'm some mom who's using it to make spaghetti sauce for a church bazaar. From that day forward, I have been a huge fan of the Navarro Correas vineyard, and every time I walk into a liquor store and buy a bottle -- be it a Cabernet, Shiraz, or Merlot -- the salespeople look at me like I'm holy. I'm drinking a 1999 Malbec right now and I just love that heavenly combination of raspberry, spice, and smoky aromas. It makes me want to finish off the bottle and call up an ex-boyfriend or two in the middle of the night just to say hello.