Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Debriefing of Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 03.04.2002
Uh, wait, there's a show I'm supposed to write about here. ["No rush." -- Sars] The KieferKopter is flying back to CTU, with Kiefer and Bride of Kiefer making out in the backseat. The Kopter is no longer giving off a M*A*S*H vibe. It's reminding me more of a local news station's traffic copter. Alberta VO5 and Nina are standing out in the CTU parking lot, waiting for the return of Kiefer. Alberta is wearing some styling shades, and the wind from the chopper blades is blowing Nina's new jersey cloth top perilously close against her, uh, Neeners. The Kiefer Kopter lands, and the Kiefer Klan piles out. Someone gave Spawn's hair a layered bob on the ride back to CTU, and Bride is having another mysterious stomach pain. Kiefer asks after them. He doesn't -- as I incorrectly speculated earlier -- know anything about their cause. Bride explains that her stomach's been bothering her for the past couple of episodes…I mean, "hours." "Sweetheart? Did something happen there?" asks Kiefer. You mean besides being kidnapped at gunpoint and almost executed twice? Uh, Kiefer, you're the CIA agent. How often are a couple of women of child bearing age kidnapped by terrorists and not raped? Haven't you seen Patty Hearst by Paul Schrader? Spawn shoots Bride a look of concern, and Bride is all, "No, it's probably from all the stress." Yeah, I imagine it's pretty "stressful" to screw some guy to save your idiot daughter's ass. Kiefer explains that an ambulance is coming to take the Kieferettes to the CTU clinic to check them out.
Alberta and Nina -- who really look like they should be opening up an independent womyn's bookstore in Northhampton, Massachusetts already -- approach the KieferKlan. Kiefer makes introductions all around like it's Take Your Daughter To Work Day at CTU. (Or, as my friend and co-worker Ilona once famously remarked, Take Your Daughter to Work…And Leave Her There! Day.) When Nina and Bride are introduced -- apparently for the first time -- it's a country song by Loretta Lynn just waiting to happen. But before anyone can grab a banjo and a moonshine jug, Alberta starts coldly ushering the Kieferettes over to the ambulance. "But Kiefer, what's going to happen with you?" asks Bride. "It's all right, sweetheart," says Kiefer. "They just have to debrief me." Debrief? Do I even need to comment? One last family hug is performed; Kiefer assures the Kieferettes that everything will be all right. Bride gives Kiefer this look of suppressed desperation as if to say, "Uh, no, it's not going to be all right, douchebag! Every time we get separated, something insane happens!" You would think by now that Kiefer wouldn't let his family out of his sight for a second, but then, you would also say that Oedipus wouldn't have fulfilled his prophecy of killing his father and marrying his mother if he'd only stayed on that mountain and refrained from killing or sleeping with anyone. And where would world literature be then? Huh?