Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 6 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Your Wife, My Father
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 10.23.2012
Toby: "As long as I can stare past your shoulder Emily Thorne-style, like the utter freak I am."
DENTIST'S OFFICE
Hanna and Caleb make out in the closet of the dentist's office, because unrealistically enough, she has been coming in to get cleanings three times a week or something, because this one closet is the only place they can make out? Like of all Rosewood, this is the one place we know for sure A is not watching them make out. This one closet, of course, plus the urine-smelling alleys they like to bone in.
Caleb: "Can we not maybe just find a place that doesn't involve cramping in this vertical position? Nobody's heard from A since Garrett got out..."
Hanna: "-- Uh, remember the part where your mom was nearly murdered for real?"
Caleb: "Yeah. It just sucks. I wish I could go with you to the Ghost Train."
Hanna: "Just pretend this closet is a Ghost Train, I guess. Considering that's not actually a thing, you really don't have much to compare it to."
FITZWALLACE FITZWILLIAMS FITZFITZATRON
Aria: "Hey! Don't look, don't look at my Halloween costume! My costume! It is a secret!"
Fitz: "Oh my God, not even I am queer enough to be on board with that crap. Listen, you are a nearly -- and it makes me want to puke to say this -- a grown woman. Nobody cares about your stupid costume."
Aria: "So you're saying you don't care about Halloween? The only thing that matters in life for some reason?"
Fitz: "No, and I can't go on the Ghost Train either. I'm meeting 'someone' to 'ghost'-write an autobiography. An interesting person and for a lot of money. I would tell you more, but I already know you don't ca..."
Aria: "But what about my costume!? And the Ghost Train?!"
Fitz: "Listen. You dressing up as a schoolgirl for me is all the sexual stimulation I need. And you do that every day."
Aria: "Those are just my clothes, Ezra."
GHOST TRAIN!
Mikky Ekko's seminal "Who Are You Really?," one of my all-time favorite songs, greets us as we get an education in what a Ghost Train is really all about. You see, it is a train that is also an elementary school Halloween Party, complete with nonalcoholic beverages and cupcakes and Adam Lambert dressed as a gay vampire pirate, or "gampirate." Just like you remember from your youth.