Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Heart of an Artichoke
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.03.2002
Knock knock on the door of Ally's Very Very Very Fine House. It's JBJ, ready to pick up his date, Ally. Maybe they'll call each other turds, kick each other in the ass, and talk about college. You know, JBJ, having gone to college is nothing when you're dating someone who went to Harvard. Because there's college, then there's Harvard. College is down here, Harvard is way, way up here. Even people who went to Yale know that. And if you went to, say, Boston U.? God help you, JBJ.
JBJ enters Ally's room, where she's sprawled out on the floor, and I guess has been there for the last five hours. She isn't "ready to date," since she "Justin, Justin, Justin love with somebody else." JBJ sounds like a crotchety old man when he says he "filled his pickup with a full tank of gas" and "picked out [her] favorite 8-track tapes." But he knows she's talking about Larry. Ally says she "hates" Larry for walking out, but "loves him too much," and "really hates [her]self." Ally asks for all three of Victor's personae's to counsel her: The college grad says she needs to confront her pain head-on, the plumber says she should move on, and the truck driver says all she really needs is to get laid. Great advice! I would have added "pull your head out of your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself," but only if she does, in fact, get laid. But no, she just asks Victor to cook her dinner. What a lost opportunity.
Serena and her team are waiting for the judge's verdict. Ray says it must be close. Richard comes in and drops a bombshell: Killer "overpowered a transport guard," and escaped. He's gone. Serena's eyes fill with tears as she asks, "Was that his plan all along? The man killed my mother, how could I be so stupid?" Then she apologizes. Dame Edna says, "If this is who is he is, you don't want his heart." Serena just looks at her and says, "Anyway." Wow, is that a shout-out? No, if it were, she would have said, "Whatever." But they're so close! Ray's cell phone rings. He takes it. Ooh, this sounds grim. Killer went to Beth Israel Hospital, presented his donor card, and shot and killed himself. "They're harvesting the heart now." So, what the judge says doesn't matter now? Guess not. Ray is all, "Come on, we need to go." They do. How very unpleasant.
Maddie is complaining that this isn't a real date, since she's present, and her dad never let her come along on any dates. Ally says that when Maddie does date, in about "fifteen years or so, because of the cigarette," she'll learn that cooking a girl dinner is "one of the most romantic things a guy can do." And, one of the most practical. Because eating is one of those things I like to do more than once a day. And then, you're in the same apartment. Maddie says she read all about it in Men's Health magazine, which said "cook a girl dinner and you're bound to get some after." ["That sounds more like Maxim than Men's Health." -- Wing Chun] Ally asks Maddie to go upstairs, and then confronts Victor. Was he planning to "bed [her] down?" Um, it was her idea to cook. And, so what if he was? They're both adults! Just have sex, already! Anyway.