Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Heart of an Artichoke
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.03.2002
Ray, Richard, and Dame Edna are sitting in the visitation room of a prison. Dame Edna wonders aloud why she is brought along "on these missions," and says that all the prisoners are looking at her, wanting to "ravage" her. A big, burly man comes out and sits in front of them: he's Serena's dad. Killer. He thanks them for coming, and Dame Edna shoots him the stink-eye, but looks scared, too. Killer asks whether Serena filled them in on the details, and Dame Edna hollers, "She didn't say how [Killer] whacked her mothah!" Ray says that they do need to know the details. Killer says he "snapped, and pulled out a gun." Yet the jury called the crime murder one, which means premeditation. Wifey was having an affair Killer knew about before the incident -- and he isn't trying to deny responsibility. He "committed a murder," he says. But now, he wants to "save" his daughter "from the pain [he's] caused her." Wow, what a great guy. Ray is all, we'd be asking a hospital to put you to death. Killer says he can off himself while in the jug, but there may be a danger that "would compromise the heart; why not do it in a hospital?" There are so many reasons this is wrong that it's hard to know where to start. The main one I want to bring up is that I don't think people that need a heart (or any organ) replaced don't get to decide that they're on the top of the list, and who the perfect donor might be. And can a sixteen-year-old-girl accept a heart from a man in his forties or so? I saw a great documentary on organ transplants a few years ago; but this is Ally McBeal, and therefore malarkey. Anyway, Wo-Girl is "an innocent young girl," and needs this heart. Ray is all, we can try, but it doesn't look to good. Killer gets this set, scary look on his face and intones that Wo-Girl is "sixteen. Years. Old. Six. Teen." Go sad oboe, go!
Woo, these new aerial shots are so great! Now with 10% more buildings! Ally slowly walks into Maddie's room, and says she overheard Maddie tell JBJ about wanting to get suspended from school. Maddie says, just like El Shrinkador might, that this must "threaten" Ally, but that Ally should be relieved that Maddie doesn't really smoke. Ally says she isn't "threatened," but doesn't like to be reminded that she "sucks as a parent." Maddie says Ally doesn't "suck at it." Ally stammers in protest that Maddie not use such language. What, "sucks"? Please. Everyone says "sucks." I heard Tom Brokaw say that he thought Afghanistan sucks, and that he was glad they weren't in the Olympics this year. Dude, what about that time Hillary Clinton said Monica sucks, and not like that, either? And remember when Tom and Nicole got in that big fight at the Jamba Juice on Melrose and just kept screaming that everything sucked? Ally says that since Maddie "doesn't have a father," they might let her take "a mother" to Father-Daughter Day. Maddie looks happy, then says Ally wouldn't have to do that. Ally is all, hey! She "might meet a cute guy" at Father-Daughter Day! "Di-di-di-did" Maddie ever think of that? Because trying to pick up at Parent-Teacher Conference Night is always impossible! Maddie, child matchmaker, says that Victor is a cute guy. Ally says that Vi-Vi-Victor, oh no, Victor and she, well, are "just different types" from "two different worlds." Victor eavesdrops at the door and looks steamed. Ally says there needs to be more to a couple than "wanting to jump each other's...cars...when they don't start." Maddie rolls her eyes and squinches up her face. Me too.
Judge Albert Hall is lambasting Richard for continuing to bring him ridiculous cases. Richard reminds the Judge of that time four years ago when two men wanted to swap hearts, and Al Hall is all, "And you were rejected! And this isn't a swap! A man would die!" Serena and her Killer Dad sit at a table. Wouldn't Killer have to be in handcuffs? He's just sitting with his chin in his hands like a free man, next to his daughter, like he didn't kill her mother. Ray steps up and asks "if the state has an interest in preserving the life of a man they've chosen to incarcerate for the rest of his life." Judge says it isn't as simple as a prisoner "donating an organ" to save a life. Ray is all, "Why can't it be?" Because the donor is ALIVE, goddammit. Judge then says that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty "because it is pro-life." Whoa, may I challenge your choice of words there, Judge? How about Massachusetts doesn't use the death penalty because it values human life and doesn't believe in institutionalized murder? "Pro-life" is what the anti-abortion rights people say. But DEK probably has a limit on how many syllables can come out of Al Hall's mouth at one breath, and the two "pro-life" have fit the quota. Now Dame Edna wants to "have a word." Judge says, "No. You're not an attorney. Why are you even here?" THANK YOU, Judge! Ray says what they want "is pro-life." Yeah, pro the life of ONE. The other person dies. Which isn't so pro-life. But whatever, this whole thing and the David Duchovny movie the plot is ripped off from, is pretty lame. It may seem interesting on the surface, but honestly, it's lame. Judge says that in the interest of public policy, a man can't be put to death to save Serena. Ray is all, you "can't say no in the interest of public policy!" Well, Albert Hall just did. And begging doesn't help matters much, Ray. Oh, wait! Judge says he'll hear from Killer at 2 PM! Well, shut my mouth.