Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Heart of an Artichoke
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.03.2002
Lights up on Ally's Very Very Very Fine House. Ally is yelling at Maddie, in a very accelerated manner, that smoking is bad, very bad. Yeah, that reminds me of the time my mom caught me with a pack of Benson & Hedges, right after I came home from the mall with my left ear double-pierced and the rest of me reeking of beer because I was driving around in a car with these guys from the military academy up the street, but they weren't our beers and we weren't drinking them, they spilled them on me when we were going around a turn, and I thought you would like my ears like this, mommy! Don't make me smoke that whole pack! Please! Ally just runs her mouth with rapidity, tapdancing as she describes all the bad cancers and illnesses cigarettes can cause, and how "bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad" it is to "chew on the death weed." ["Sars and I have this same conversation every week. She just won't hear me!" -- Wing Chun] Maddie rolls her eyes and puffs out her cheeks like a champ. JBJ walks in and asks what's going on. A girl is getting lambasted, is what's going on. When Ally suggests that Maddie wear a sign that says "I'm Stupid, Hear Me Choke," Maddie takes herself upstairs without being asked to. Wow, kids today! So brazen and with the good timing, too. JBJ says that this situation calls for "dialogue," which Ally is so obviously not excelling at. Ally snarls at him like my dog does when I squirt him with the water pistol. Then she goes upstairs to talk some more.
We're in Richard's Office of Duh, with Ray skulking around behind Richard's desk, and Dame Edna sitting in a chair next to the wo-girl, reading a book with an embroidered cover. Gee, that's...nice. "Cardiomyopathy," says Wo-Girl. Which means she has a weak heart. Richard is all, "Is it serious?" No, in fact, it's a real fucking laff riot! Ha ha, heart disease! You can't spell "heart disease" without "ha"! Wo-Girl is dying, she says soberly and with a maturity greater than her relatively few years. And she's waiting for a heart transplant. But she knows of a donor who would be just super-keen for her to use, like, right now. Thing is, the donor is her dad. Who's alive. And the reason he isn't here is because in jail right now. And her mother? Well, he's in jail? For killing her mom. Woo, that's a kettle of fish!
Ally nags Maddie some more about why smoking is bad. Maddie is all, "Didn't YOU ever smoke?" Ally tells some bullshit story about how she smoked when she was fourteen, to be "accepted" by her friends. That's lame. I smoked to piss my mom off. And guess what? Mission accomplished! That's the only reason to smoke cigarettes, in my book: to piss off your parents. The buzz you get wears off so quickly. It smells, and makes you smell. It makes your clothes and hair smell, too. And it makes you sick. And, you know, die. Smoking makes you die. This is why I only smoke weed. Weed at least gets you high! And, P.S., weed is illegal and therefore way, way cooler than cigarettes. And the best part? You got it. It pisses my mom off! I'm just kidding, drugs are bad, and so am I. Ally compulsively applies lip gloss, and Maddie mirrors her until they wrap up their fun "cigarettes kill you" talk. Ally leaves, and JBJ swoops in, to the rescue and to clean up Ally's parenting attempt. He asks how Maddie got busted; Ally says it was the video cameras. He's all, "The cameras you told me they were installing? So you wanted to get caught." Maddie looks sad to be busted. JBJ asks the real reason that she wanted to avoid being in school. She comes clean: Father-Daughter Day is Friday. And she didn't want to be there for that. Because she's been so sad her dad died that she never ever mentioned it. Ally eavesdrops in the hall, agog that this ten-year-old person who just dropped into her life weeks ago might have emotional issues of her own to deal with. Someone shoot the piano player, please.