Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Heart of an Artichoke
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.03.2002
Courtroom: opposing side's witness. Okay, Serena's aunt is played by the actress that plays Ross's wife Carol on Friends. ["Jane Sibbett." -- Wing Chun] That's like Stuntcasting Lite. She's opposed to Killer donating his heart, because then he'll be remembered as a hero, and he shouldn't be allowed to "buy redemption with one of his organs." Heh. Dame Edna looks disapproving. Oh, she doesn't like double entendres now? Killer "shouldn't get to feel noble." Aunt Carol will try to "get [Serena] a new heart, but not [Killer's]." Serena stands up and is all, can I say something here? She feels this is between her and her father. Except for the fact that he's incarcerated and, you know, STILL ALIVE and needs a HOSPITAL to put him down before they harvest the organ. Some other people do need to be involved, sweetie. Like the lawyers you're paying? They're involved, in a way. You may not think so! But they are. Judge says the court has to take the feelings of the victims into account. Serena is all, I'm the victim. Her aunt "doesn't have a priority on pain." Then she says she's the victim again. There's also the dead mom. But whatever.
Ally unsteadily exits her honking GMC SUV and visits JBJ, on yet another anonymous "construction site" located near a sidewalk, where he is neither working nor dirty. She yells at him for daring to speak his mind about her and Maddie, and gives him his check. Then she calls him a "big turd," says she can't believe she though about "asking [him] out," and tells him to "go to hell." God, this woman has problems. Problems as big and stupid as an SUV. JBJ says, regarding hell, that's he's "been there. [Ally's] place." He turns around and she kicks him square in the butt. He looks...pleased? And she...smiles? He turns around and says that is has a college education (though he "doesn't use the big words like 'turd'"), and is "in [her] league." She says that accusing her of being an elitist and then "flaunting [his] college education" makes him "a hippo-hip-hypocrite." He says "go to hell," and she kicks him again. He says, "Do that again and I'll sue you." She says, "For what, a concussion?" And she's still asking him out. She still likes him. And he "can pick [her] up in [his] big truck." She giggles, the violin strings pluck, I barf, and she splits.
Ally is grooming herself for her Date with Victor. Maddie says, "This is a mistake." She means Ally's hair. No, she really does mean Ally's hair. It's a bad dating choice for Ally to try to tame and shape her hair into something not resembling a bird's nest; it will be a tip that she's easy. Maddie got these dating tips from her dad, who's dead, and dated a lot before kicking off. Aww, how sweet. Maddie's sharing her Dead Dad's Dating Tips! Maddie notes that JBJ "has seen [Ally] many times before," and will know something's up is her hair is "neat." Plus, it's 3 PM, and does Ally think she can pull it all together in just five hours? Ally morphs into Lara Croft and machine-guns Maddie. Then she sits in front of the vanity and plays with a Stila lip gloss pen, which I adore but can't buy, because $18 for lip gloss? No way. Not in this economy. Ally says she's "nervous," since it's been a while since she dated. Maddie is all, what about Glenn? It's true, Ally hasn't been laid all season. No terror sex for Ally! Aww. You know, if David Kelly doesn't mention 9/11 another time this season, the terrorists will have won. He has a freedom quota to keep up. Then, Ally really freaks herself out by starting to say she's now dating someone she could marry, but she really only says, "muh-" and then stops.