Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Biting the hand that snatches food from their mouths
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.08.2004
Cut to Snidely. Of course. Sigh. I hate this show. Anyway, the deal Snidely wishes to broker with Johnny Demonic and Elaine involves getting the Charmed Ones on Witch Wars as a way to distract them from that whole who-turns-the-Psycho-evil thing. Of course, he doesn't share the Psycho bit with Johnny and Elaine, but everyone in the audience knows his true motivation because none of us are the drooling simps the production staff adamantly insists on believing we are. Elaine finds this a wretched idea, and likes it even less when Snidely insists that no innocents be harmed in the process. However, Johnny, feeling sly for reasons even the comatose in tonight's audience can surmise, agrees to the plan and crosses to fetch a box of ruby-red crystals which somehow function as the show's hidden cameras. In a cleverly synchronized bit of business, Snidely fiddles with one of the crystals while his image wiggles back and forth on the flat-screen high-definition television set adorning the far wall behind him. Snidely accepts the box, cautions his newfound cohorts on the danger they face should they not follow his instructions to the letter, and orbs out in a spray of twinkly pink lights. Yes, pink. Everyone else on this damn show orbs in blue, but Snidely orbs in pink. I don't know why, but this only serves to further enrage me. Once he's gone, Elaine rather amusingly bats at Johnny's chest with her hand and snarls something about never trusting the ever-useless Elders. Johnny smiles and notes that with the Charmed Ones as bait, they'll be able to recruit the upper-level demons they need. Once they've contrived to steal said demon's powers, they'll have enough of their own to off both Snidely and the Glamorous Ladies. Elaine, finally getting it, growls friskily at him, and they mack. You know what I like about these two? They're the first dark demonic forces we've seen in a very long while who take genuine pleasure in their beautiful wickedness. Demons on this show are normally so fucking dreary.
Manor. Big Gay Chris and the Dolt perch on the sofa in the center parlor, fruitlessly abusing the Book of Shadows in search of any and all possible suspects related to the recent rash of witch killings. After a bit of this, Big Gay Chris howls in frustration and slumps to the depths of the sofa, bitching about futility, or something. Cue The Mournful Mandolins Of My Pretty, Pretty Husband's Wasted Existence In The Past as Big Chris sighs that he feels like a total loser. He's been searching for the Psycho's nemesis for a year, and they're no better off now than when he first arrived. The Dolt quietly wonders why Chris chose to keep so much information to himself. Because, dimwit, if we didn't have that painfully slow reveal, we wouldn't have had such an enticing overriding arc for what's been a season's worth of dreadful and pointless episodes. You asshole. My husband, however, simply replies that he didn't want to worry his parents, 'cause he's diplomatic like that. He's also getting a little misty-eyed during this, for he's a sensitive guy. Aw. "I was trying to protect you," Big Chris admits in answer to the Dolt's question. "We're your parents," the Dolt stresses. "We're supposed to protect you, not the other way around." The boys share a moment that would be touching were Piper and not the Dolt involved, as Raige orbs in with a new amethyst scrying crystal she apparently purchased on her way back from All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. She hopes the added "power boost" from the thing will help them in their search for tonight's contrivance. After a bit of her babbling, Snidely orbs onto the landing with news that control freak Piper's been terrorizing the staff and students of Not!warts, convinced that one of their number is the foul beast who turns her psychotic older son to The Dark Side. The Dolt orbs out to have a chat with the hormonal ex-wife. Big Gay Chris vaults the back of the sofa to watch Raige at the marble-topped foyer table as she scries for any "witches under attack." While his companions' attention is focused on the map, Snidely surreptitiously waves a hand around to toss a little mojo at the crystal, which slams down on a set of coordinates in the Mission District. Raige and Big Gay Chris, at Snidely's urging, immediately orb out, leaving Snidely to his own devices. He conjures the box of crystal camera thingies, TKs open the lid, and sends three of them flying through the air to embed themselves in the surrounding walls near the ceiling. As Snidely stalks back up the stairs, presumably to distribute the remaining crystals on the upper floors, we cut to…