Fade up on the title of this evening's episode as it blazes onto the screen, the two Ws smashing together in a fiery explosion that morphs into the words themselves as an athame flares out through the roiling red smoke in the background to settle in the center. "Welcome back to Witch Wars," an announcer voice-overs as various stills of tonight's action (and, honestly, the action of three weeks ago) scroll past. "Tonight, on a very special episode," he continues, "you'll see the Game Masters themselves take on not just any witches, but the legendary Charmed Ones." That athame wipes from left to right to reveal a demonic television studio set, upon which the announcer presently squiggles. He looks like one of the more attractive, younger mobsters on The Sopranos who always end up getting whacked after a couple of episodes, because someone apparently decided Michael Imperioli would represent the pinnacle of regularly scheduled male beauty on that show. And that someone should be shot. ["Or given a raise, because it's totally working on me. Hey, you've got your Chris, I've got mine." -- Sars] In any event, our host adds, "It'll be winner takes all," as he steps towards the camera and addresses the audience directly. "And we will take all -- their lives, their powers, and last but not least, their progeny." I'm sure I'd be worried about that particular threat were this gentleman in the opening credits, but he's not, so whatever. The screen fades to black for a moment until the phrase "12 hours earlier" flames into view for a bit in Gothic script; then we cross-fade to Piper toddling into the Not!warts library with Big Gay Chris at her side and joining her sisters at the table for a "family meeting." Snidely's sleeve dominates the foreground of the shot. Shit.
The Dolt's absence from this meeting is due to the fact that "he's on the witch killer trail," as Snidely explains, and that really should be "witch killer's trail," as the existing version makes it sound as if the Dolt's some sort of mystical and zenlike witch-killer apprentice. Stupid Snidely. Snidely snits that the gals should follow the Dolt on said trail instead of loafing around Not!warts, polluting the air with their incessant babbling. Phoebe snots something back at him about having larger issues to deal with, namely that whole who's-gonna-turn-the-Psycho-evil thing they've been fretting about since Big Gay Chris dropped that particular bomb a few months back. To that end, Phoebe, who's wearing a small purple flower in her "hair" (mood: whorishly self-centered, like you had to ask), has been doing a little research, and has reached the conclusion that the nefarious baddie they seek might not necessarily be demonic in origin. Snidely scowls at her, unnoticed by the Manor Morons. The "statistics" Phoebe references in her little spiel here have told her that "fifty percent of violent crimes are perpetrated by someone the victim knew [sic]," and as I don't have time to research that suspicious-sounding figure myself, let's just go ahead and assume it's incorrect, and that the writing staff is blowing crack out of its collective ass once again, okay? Snidely, who's scorching his own bushy eyebrows with the all that ferocious glaring and such, scoffs at the idea that a "mortal" might be involved. Phoebe persists, revealing that the crime reporter at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me is of the opinion that "it's usually someone you least expect." Piper gets tense as Snidely gets even more insistently dismissive. "This theory," he says, crossing to the table, "might make some sense in the lives of normal people, but you are not normal people." Were that coming from anyone else, I'd applaud, for our gals are so stupid they need to be reminded of that fact every goddamned week. Unfortunately, it's coming from the too-smug Snidely, and so I am forced to tell him to shove it. Damn you, Snidely! Damn you to Hell!
Snidely peevishly reminds them of the "Underworld of demons who want [them] dead," and takes this opportunity to segue back to that witch killer the Dolt's been after. Big Gay Chris, who'd been silently following the argument up to now, jumps up to defend Phoebe's point of view. This naturally irks Snidely no end, and he rants something about all the witches who have been slaughtered lately before demanding, "How is that not your only priority?" "Because we're running out of time," Chris reveals with his typically impeccable sense of capital-D Drama. At Piper's prompting, he elaborates, "I should have told you sooner -- what happens to [my dead-eyed sociopath of an older brother] happens before I'm born." "What?" Raige bites with appropriate amounts of disbelief as Piper's eyes widen and Phoebe hoots and yodels. Snidely, ever the crafty one, uses this revelation to push the gals into the search for the witch killer, but Phoebe has other plans. Raige and Big Gay Chris are to assist the Dolt on this whole witch killer thing while she herself pursues her own theory. Piper's to remain at Not!warts, because Holly Marie Combs's water is about to break, and cannot therefore be trusted with any of the likely action sequences during the ridiculousness that is certain to follow. Also, she's not to worry, as Phoebe's in complete control of the sitch. Piper collapses into an immediate and well-justified panic attack. Oh, not really, but you know she's going to control-freak her way through most of this episode because of all this, right? Right. Phoebe trundles determinedly down the hallway as Snidely twiddles his moustache and exits the frame.
Cut to a crystal ball being lovingly buffed by Head On A Nerd. Snidely storms into his office and telekinetically flings shut the door behind him. "Something wrong?" Head On A Nerd asks, for Head On A Nerd is nothing if not perceptive. "Yes," Snidely grimly confirms. "I think they're about to figure us out." Snidely flares his hateful nostrils around until said hateful nostrils are overwhelmed by the opening credits.
Okay, that feminine hygiene ad where the chick shoves a tampon into the hole in the bottom of the rowboat to stop a leak? So very, very wrong. All I can think of whenever I see it is the opening shower scene in Carrie where Amy Irving, Nancy Allen, and Edie McClurg are screaming, "Plug it UP! Plug it UP! Plug it UP!" while a bleeding and terrified Sissy Spacek cowers, screaming, on the tile floor. I don't think that the association they hoped viewers would make when they came up with this idea for the spot, you know what I mean?
A brief and ovary-free opening travelogue whisks us over to the Manor where, up in the nonexistent attic, Raige tortures a dark demonic sort by activating a flaring set of Mystical Crysticals arranged around his prone form on the carpet, the better to zap him with bolts of sporking electricity. Big Gay Chris winces in empathic pain before wondering, "You're sure he's a demon, right?" There's an Abu Ghraib joke buried somewhere in all of this, and were I tasteless enough to find it, I'd share it with you. Raige mugs for a moment in response to her overly cautious nephew before activating the Crysticals once more and demanding, "Tell us everything you know about the witches who were murdered!" The demon feigns ignorance, but quickly changes his tune the moment Raige sporks him once again. "Oh!" he splutters. "The witches! Well, the one last night, she put on a great show. She shot fire from her hands, and-and-and she put up a great fight!" Raige wrinkles her nose at the stench of the presumed bullshit streaming from this guy's mouth, and snatches up a handy potion vial to fling it into his head as the shot cuts to another overhead of the action. The demon's body, surprisingly enough, does not erupt instantly into a veil of fire as he howls and wails and blazes his merry way down to Hell. Rather, it sort of dissolves from his head down to his toes in a series of sparkling yellow lights as a column of black smoke billows from the carpet to dissipate upwards into the camera lens. That was different. And kind of cool, too. I have to admit, the effects on this show have just been getting better and better as the series drags on. Pity the scripts suck so much. Big Gay Chris, annoyed, leaps to his feet to yelp, "What did you do that for? He was just starting to talk!" "He was lying!" Raige insists. "There was no witch murdered last night, and…" Presumably, she was going to finish that sentence with "good witches don't shoot fire from their hands," but she's interrupted by the noisy racket heralding her former brother-in-law's entrance on a cloud of orbs. "A witch was killed last night!" the Dolt pants as he crosses to Raige's side. Big Gay Chris's smirky "Now what was that about the lying?" reaction shot is priceless. Raige and Big Gay Chris stoop to gather the Mystical Crysticals from the carpet as they fill the Dolt in on recent events. Raige believes that a demon acting alone is quite simply incapable of killing so many women in so short a period of time. Rather, she thinks someone might be hiring demonic hit men to carry out the murders. The Dolt predictably leaps to the conclusion that someone's attempting to organize the Underworld, again, some more. Raige shoots Big Chris a look of death and snots that she's glad someone finally agrees with her. Hey, back off my husband, bitch. And might I remind you that said someone who agrees with you just happens to be named "the Dolt"? Whatever. Raige also chooses this moment to remind the world that Phoebe lacks her active powers, so Raige intends to drop off a handful of offensive potions at Phoebe's place of employment. "What should we do?" Chris asks. "Pray that she doesn't get attacked," Raige snorts before sailing out of the nonexistent room.
The shot cuts to a from-space view of the Bay Area before swooping down to the intersection of Presidio Avenue and California Street and burrowing into the earth to deposit us in the depths of the demonic television studio. Yes, that's the same effect from "Used Karma." Yes, it was more appropriate there. However, what's far more important is that our heroic idiots are three and a half blocks away from the demons of the week, and yet remain unaware of said demons' existence until forty minutes into this episode. Stupid show. Johnny Demonic from the pre-credits sequence has been joined by his partner in crime to persuade a strapping upper-level type to join their game show as a contestant. Johnny's partner is being played this evening by Elaine Hendrix, who's appeared in multiple episodes of Joan Of Arcadia this season, but whom I know best as Lisa Luder, the popular chick who turns into the vaguely lesbionic fashionista in Romy And Michele's High School Reunion. Elaine's sporting some serious Terri Nunn hair here -- bleach blonde bob with a severe line of black fringe at the ends -- that certainly takes me back. And if I have to explain who Terri Nunn is to you people, you're way too young to be reading this site. Return to Yahooligans! immediately, and don't ever come back.
And look at that. While I've been thusly sidetracked, they've been busily unleashing a torrent of expository dialogue like the good little guest stars they are. The Upper-Level Type admiringly wonders where Johnny Demonic got the idea for a reality show in which demons hunt down and slaughter witches. Elaine modestly admits, "Well, we can't take all the credit. You'd think demons would have invented reality television, but somehow humans beat us to it." I think someone on the writing staff's still just a little bit miffed her quirky new drama got cancelled and replaced with reruns of The Swan. "Best idea we ever stole," Johnny Demonic adds, "and demons everywhere love to watch." Funny how they stayed away in droves from the only entries the WB managed to present in the genre, isn't it? "So, if you're ready to play," Johnny continues, "just draw your blood and sign on the dotted line." ULT's all, "Uh, blood? You motherfuckers crazy? Why?" And here's the catch: Should ULT -- indeed, any of the demons -- lose, his powers will "revert" to Johnny and Elaine. ULT sneers at their "racket" and makes to leave. Johnny and Elaine trail after him with promises of fame and fortune, but ULT's not having it and squiggles out. Elaine gesticulates wildly in frustration, pissing about how they must entice upper-level demons into the game in order to collect the powers they need. Johnny's all, "Chill. They'll play." Elaine wonders why he's so certain of that. "Because," he explains, "if human beings are foaming at the mouth to humiliate themselves on national television -- and they are -- then demons are an easy mark." Elaine, buying the argument, flirtatiously runs a couple of fingers across Johnny's chest as she coos, "Upper-level humans?" Johnny pulls her into a clinch as he purrs, "Donald Trump has his own show." That's just so wrong in so many ways, and I'm not even talking about The Apprentice itself, much as I hate it. No, I simply cannot decide which is worse: Johnny referring to Donald Trump as an upper-level human, or Johnny deploying The Donald's name during what clearly is meant to be a moment of teasing foreplay. Uck. Johnny counsels patience, as he's certain they'll soon have enough powers to rule the Underworld. He also refers to Elaine as "my love," and I thought demons were incapable of that emotion, but fuck it, because this show sucks, and besides, Snidely's chosen this moment to call out something unbearably smug, so Johnny conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death, and I start screaming, "Kill the pommy bastard! Kill him! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" until I hyperventilate and pass out.
When I come to, Snidely, invisible, is gently but firmly instructing Johnny to "disarm" so that Snidely might reveal himself. Johnny obeys, and Snidely materializes on a nearby armchair, casually slouched with his legs crossed. His pants leg is riding up, and I'm looking at far more pasty Snidely shin than I ever needed to see in my lifetime. Long story short, Snidely's there to broker a deal with Johnny Demonic and Elaine. Unfortunately, we cut over to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me before we find out what said deal is. Shit. Phoebe crosses the main office to assault with her incessant nattering some never-before-seen and never-to-be-seen-again coworker played by Bodhi Elfman. Bodhi, the newspaper's crime reporter, cuts through her crap with a curt, "Are you flirting with me? 'Cause when a woman who looks like you flirts with me, that generally means she wants something." Bodhi's no fool. Phoebe, unfortunately, is, and concocts a dimwitted lie about devoting a month's worth of her advice columns to "protecting our children." Cram it, you hag. Phoebe, not listening to me, wonders how the police would investigate, say, the sudden disappearance of her dear, dead-eyed, psychotic nephew. "They'd make a flow chart," Bodhi automatically replies, trying to keep working while Phoebe nags away at him, oblivious to his looming deadline. She presses for details. He shoots her a stink-eye. "Should I go back to the flirting?" she wonders. Bodhi sighs and caves, because the script says he must, and indicates his desire for some coffee. Phoebe grins and goofs that she's buying, and turns just in time to spy -- through her office's open blinds -- Raige as she stupidly orbs into the room in plain sight of the other reporters. Fortunately, Contrivance was working overtime on this episode, and Phoebe's the only person who notices the ungodly racket and harsh glare of Raige's orb cloud. Phoebe hastily jiggles into the room, shutting the door and blinds behind her before berating Raige for risking exposure in such an idiotic manner. Raige ignores her slatternly half-sister to relate the sad and sordid tale of the latest dead witch, and urges the powerless Phoebe to return to the Manor where Raige and the others can keep an eye on her. Phoebe blithers something dumb about Raige being her "baby sister, not baby-sitter" and protests that she has far too much work to do. Besides, she can't drag Bodhi back to the Manor with her, and she needs to continue with her research. Raige rolls her eyes, passes the offensive potion vials to the Feebs, and orbs out with a warning to be careful. Phoebe hustles back over to Bodhi's desk to ask, "Where were we?" "You were flirting with me badly," he smirks, "and I was helping you find your bad guy."
Cut to Snidely. Of course. Sigh. I hate this show. Anyway, the deal Snidely wishes to broker with Johnny Demonic and Elaine involves getting the Charmed Ones on Witch Wars as a way to distract them from that whole who-turns-the-Psycho-evil thing. Of course, he doesn't share the Psycho bit with Johnny and Elaine, but everyone in the audience knows his true motivation because none of us are the drooling simps the production staff adamantly insists on believing we are. Elaine finds this a wretched idea, and likes it even less when Snidely insists that no innocents be harmed in the process. However, Johnny, feeling sly for reasons even the comatose in tonight's audience can surmise, agrees to the plan and crosses to fetch a box of ruby-red crystals which somehow function as the show's hidden cameras. In a cleverly synchronized bit of business, Snidely fiddles with one of the crystals while his image wiggles back and forth on the flat-screen high-definition television set adorning the far wall behind him. Snidely accepts the box, cautions his newfound cohorts on the danger they face should they not follow his instructions to the letter, and orbs out in a spray of twinkly pink lights. Yes, pink. Everyone else on this damn show orbs in blue, but Snidely orbs in pink. I don't know why, but this only serves to further enrage me. Once he's gone, Elaine rather amusingly bats at Johnny's chest with her hand and snarls something about never trusting the ever-useless Elders. Johnny smiles and notes that with the Charmed Ones as bait, they'll be able to recruit the upper-level demons they need. Once they've contrived to steal said demon's powers, they'll have enough of their own to off both Snidely and the Glamorous Ladies. Elaine, finally getting it, growls friskily at him, and they mack. You know what I like about these two? They're the first dark demonic forces we've seen in a very long while who take genuine pleasure in their beautiful wickedness. Demons on this show are normally so fucking dreary.
Manor. Big Gay Chris and the Dolt perch on the sofa in the center parlor, fruitlessly abusing the Book of Shadows in search of any and all possible suspects related to the recent rash of witch killings. After a bit of this, Big Gay Chris howls in frustration and slumps to the depths of the sofa, bitching about futility, or something. Cue The Mournful Mandolins Of My Pretty, Pretty Husband's Wasted Existence In The Past as Big Chris sighs that he feels like a total loser. He's been searching for the Psycho's nemesis for a year, and they're no better off now than when he first arrived. The Dolt quietly wonders why Chris chose to keep so much information to himself. Because, dimwit, if we didn't have that painfully slow reveal, we wouldn't have had such an enticing overriding arc for what's been a season's worth of dreadful and pointless episodes. You asshole. My husband, however, simply replies that he didn't want to worry his parents, 'cause he's diplomatic like that. He's also getting a little misty-eyed during this, for he's a sensitive guy. Aw. "I was trying to protect you," Big Chris admits in answer to the Dolt's question. "We're your parents," the Dolt stresses. "We're supposed to protect you, not the other way around." The boys share a moment that would be touching were Piper and not the Dolt involved, as Raige orbs in with a new amethyst scrying crystal she apparently purchased on her way back from All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. She hopes the added "power boost" from the thing will help them in their search for tonight's contrivance. After a bit of her babbling, Snidely orbs onto the landing with news that control freak Piper's been terrorizing the staff and students of Not!warts, convinced that one of their number is the foul beast who turns her psychotic older son to The Dark Side. The Dolt orbs out to have a chat with the hormonal ex-wife. Big Gay Chris vaults the back of the sofa to watch Raige at the marble-topped foyer table as she scries for any "witches under attack." While his companions' attention is focused on the map, Snidely surreptitiously waves a hand around to toss a little mojo at the crystal, which slams down on a set of coordinates in the Mission District. Raige and Big Gay Chris, at Snidely's urging, immediately orb out, leaving Snidely to his own devices. He conjures the box of crystal camera thingies, TKs open the lid, and sends three of them flying through the air to embed themselves in the surrounding walls near the ceiling. As Snidely stalks back up the stairs, presumably to distribute the remaining crystals on the upper floors, we cut to…
…a rather dowdy-looking chick getting slammed into a brick wall in the middle of a debris-filled alleyway. The bald demon who'd smacked her up snickers and advances upon her as she scrambles to her feet, snatching at a length of pipe she swings around as a club while backing towards a filthy mattress leaning against another wall. The mattress morphs into another demon, who smirks and sneers and whatnot until she clocks him one with the pipe, sending him first into a Dumpster before knocking him to the alley floor. Raige and Big Gay Chris orb in to flip a potion vial at the bald demon, who promptly erupts into flame and howls and wails and Hell. An absolute mountain of a man unexpectedly flears in behind the imperiled dowd, snatches her up in one of his massive arms, and rips off her necklace before tossing her to the ground. "Got it!" he sneers before flearing out. The shapeshifter's all, "Shit," and squiggles out as well. Raige and Big Gay Chris assist the dowd to her feet while making with the necessary introductions. The three orb back to the Manor, where the dowd introduces herself as "Tali" and thanks them for saving her life. It was at this point that I recognized the actress from a particularly dismal episode of C.S.I. Miami I had the misfortune to recap two years ago. She played the spineless assistant to a sadistic anthropology professor who eventually snapped and offed the guy with, like, a staple remover. No, seriously.
In any event, Raige responds to The Spineless Dowd's gratitude by admitting they likely did not save her life, as the demons seemed not to want it. Chris adds that the guys seemed more interested in The Dowd's necklace. "My grandmother's amulet!" she cries, hands flying to her now-bare neck. "Is it magical?" Chris wonders. "Not at all," she replies as the shot cuts to reveal that this scene's being captured by the crystal camera thingies for display on the flat-screen TV in the demonic studio. For some asinine reason, the Witch Wars logo obliterates Raige's response to this bit of The Dowd's news, like, the hell? We're supposed to believe Johnny and Elaine are airing a live feed? How brain-dead do they think we are? Whatever! The camera pans back from the flat-screen TV to take in the mountainous demon as he bitches about The Dowd's worthless necklace. "Why did you want us to steal it?" he snipes at Johnny Demonic, who tosses an odd little smile over his shoulder as he notes that the primary goal of the evening's first challenge was to get the Charmed Ones involved. We discover the reason for the odd little smile when the camera continues to pan back through the screen of an immense projection TV. Johnny exchanges a few words with the shapeshifter before facing his camera and exhorting the viewers at home to stay tuned. Our camera cuts away from the immense screen to reveal a bar packed with various demonic sorts who cheer and holler as the Witch Wars logo flashes onto the projection screen before we cut to the commercial break.
Not!warts. Piper wheels a stroller -- containing what appears to be a Psycho-shaped doll partially obscured by a blanket -- down the hall to confront "Mrs. Winterbourne," who, if you'll recall, is the nursery school teacher. Wow. This scene is more than a little lacking in substance. Piper basically accuses the preternaturally patient Mrs. Winterbourne of turning her dear, dead-eyed sociopath of a son to The Dark Side until the Dolt wanders up to calm her down. The Dolt kindly transfers custody of the Psycho-shaped doll to Mrs. Winterbourne, who wheels the thing away as Piper shrills and shrews and waddles and boring! We finally get to something somewhat relevant when Piper frets that they themselves might be responsible for the future Chris traveled through time to prevent. "What if [the Psycho] saw what this life did to us," she asks the Dolt, "and how hard it was, and decided to take the easy way out?" The Dolt stupids something about the Psycho being surrounded by love, citing the parents who care for him despite their murky marital status, the brother who "risked his life" to help him, and his "two aunts who would rather gouge out their own eyes than see anything bad happen to him." I would so pay money to watch Phoebe gouge out her eyes. I'll even provide the brooch. Piper sighs and collapses into the Dolt's arms for a hug as she murmurs, "Just promise we'll keep him safe." "I promise," the Dolt replies, but you can tell Piper doesn't quite believe him.
Nonexistent Attic. Big Gay Chris flips through the Book past entries on Collectors and Familiars before landing on a page devoted to "The Brute Demon." Raige correctly identifies said demon as the mountainous gentleman who absconded with The Spineless Dowd's necklace. Big Chris reads that Brutes are "upper-level demons with overwhelming physical strength" who "work alone, generally crushing skulls of their victims." He eyes The Spineless Dowd and notes, "You're lucky he wasn't after you." The Dowd looks freaked. And wimpy. Seriously, how this woman managed to survive God knows how many years in San Francisco with all of those damn demons running around is beyond me. Chris wonders if The Dowd has anything else of her grandmother's, intending to use whatever that might be to scry for the amulet. The Spineless Dowd confirms that she's in possession of her grandmother's wedding ring as Phoebe barrels into the nonexistent room to demand that Raige and Big Gay Chris surrender their datebooks immediately. Stupid Phoebe. Why would Chris have a datebook? Everyone he knows is, like, three years old at this point. Oh, wait a minute. She wants Piper's datebook. Silly me. Also: Whatever, for this subplot is going nowhere fast. Phoebe's plan, you see, is to cull the names of their various acquaintances in order to concoct some sort of graph of likely suspects in the Psycho's turn to The Dark Side. However, first she must introduce herself to The Spineless Dowd, which she does as Raige fills her sister in on recent events. Phoebe's dismissive when she learns that the purloined amulet is powerless, and makes to return to her office, begging her sister and nephew to leave her alone for the evening.
As she backs out of the nonexistent room, the shot cuts to an overhead of the scene as projected onto the wall in Snidely's study through one of the crystal camera thingies which are, evidently, crystal camera thingies with projection abilities. What? Hey, I didn't write this shit. Shut up. "Stubborn little witch!" Snidely snipes, angrily waving a hand around to halt the projection. Head On A Nerd fears Phoebe will "find [them] out." Snidely orbs out of there without responding, only to reappear…
…down in the demonic television studio, where Elaine's just planted an athame into the table. Johnny Demonic and Elaine explain that the daggers are "part of the game." The demons, apparently, use them to steal powers from each other. "More dead demons?" Snidely eyebrows. "Not a problem for me." Elaine forever endears herself to me by snippily shooting back in a mock British accent, "More dead Elders wouldn't be a problem for us, either." Hee. Snidely basically orders them to take down Bodhi -- without killing him, of course -- before Phoebe can pump him for more information. He suggests they use the shapeshifter, of whom Snidely is apparently quite fond. If there's a deeper meaning to that, you'll have to unearth it yourself. Johnny warns that, demons being what they are, neither he nor Elaine can guarantee that Bodhi will live to see another day. Snidely tools something about them doing their "very best" before orbing out of there. Elaine giggles gleefully. "Did he just give us an opening?" she wonders. Johnny supposes Snidely's more "desperate" than they initially thought. "Which means," he adds, "that he won't shut us down after the first witch dies." In a really funny throwaway bit, this realization horns the two up to the point that they collide to screw each other right there in the studio before remembering they have a job to do and breaking apart. Heh.
Demon bar. Fairly pointless filler montage of demons playing darts with spikes of energy and demons vanquishing each other with pool cues, before the Witch Wars logo and theme reappear on the projection TV. Johnny Demonic materializes onscreen with the Shapeshifter, the Brute, and a new player -- "a Darklighter all the way from the Northeast Underworld." That last bit of detail only achieves relevance if you happened to have read the spoiler script and know that this guy's supposed to have a Boston accent, which he doesn't, because this show is ass, so whatever. Johnny explains about the power-sucking athames as he distributes them to the players, then notes that, as the Shapeshifter failed to snag the necklace in the first round, "he must now take on the added risk of confronting a Charmed One directly." The Brute, having won the first round, "has the right to make the first move." Johnny then directs the contestants to "The Confessional Cave to share their strategies with the audience." I still don't know why we're supposed to believe they're presenting this as a live feed. Damn stupid show. We're then "treated" to a series of confessionals in which the three demons basically outline their plans. As we're about to see those plans play out, I'll not bother with transcriptions. Besides, who cares? They're all going to be dead in about twenty minutes anyway. Throughout, we get reaction shots from the demons avidly following this crap in the bar, and this is all even more tedious than it was the first time I saw it. And I nearly dropped dead from boredom the first time I saw it.
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. With Bodhi's help, Phoebe's drawn up a graph of concentric circles with the Psycho in the middle, surrounded first by immediate family members, followed by friends of the family in the outer ring. He instructs her to add everyone the Psycho's come into contact with over the last six months. Phoebe flusters and exasperates and boring! Bodhi finally give the Feebs something to chew on when he notes that if you've ruled out the immediate family, the likely suspects are "statistically" "white men between the ages of 25 and 50, usually someone you know, maybe even trust." You know. SNIDELY. Move it along already, people! Phoebe ponders this as Bodhi exits to fetch some coffee from the break room, which is, conveniently enough, currently occupied by the Shapeshifter. The Shapeshifter bonks Bodhi on the head with the athame's haft and assumes his form before heading back into the main office to chat with the distracted Phoebe, all the while smirking up at the hidden camera someone at some point inserted in the newspaper office's wall. Whatever.
Manor. The Dolt orbs into the foyer for a brief, paternally relevant scene with Big Gay Chris before Raige orbs in with The Spineless Dowd and the wedding ring, which Raige uses to scry for the Brute's location. The crystal quickly nails a point on the map, so Raige and the Dolt make to leave, placing Big Gay Chris in charge of The Spineless Dowd's protection. Yeah, this should work out well. Not. As Raige retrieves some potions from a side table in the hall and begins to orb out with the Dolt, the shot cuts to the same scene as projected on the wall of the Brute's lair, which seems to be some sort of sewer. He deactivates the projection, places the necklace on a nearby ledge, then hops up to a higher ledge to wait for them. Raige and the Dolt orb in, immediately realize they've been lured into a trap, and are shortly thereafter attacked by the Brute, who leaps down from his perch to smack up some Dolt ass. The Dolt, however, easily flips the guy onto his back. Riiiiight. Raige hurls a vanquishing potion into the Brute's chest, sending him to join this evening's prior two casualties down in Hell as the demonic crowd in the bar winces as one, all, "Oooh! That's gotta hurt!" Well, actually, one of them winced and said, "Oooh! That'll leave a mark," but again: Whatever.
Meanwhile, back in the sewer, Raige and the Dolt notice the discarded ruby crystal, which is projecting an image of the two of them from behind as they gaze at an image of the two of them from behind as they gaze at an image of the two of them from behind as they…you get the idea. "That's us," Raige breathes. Absolutely brilliant, our Raige is. The bar demons make "Busted!" faces as Raige and the Dolt scan the chamber for cameras. The crystal's projection suddenly cuts to an overhead shot of Big Gay Chris and The Spineless Dowd chatting in the Manor parlor. "Okay," Raige frowns, panic rising in her voice. "What's going on?" In the projection, Bahstan Rahb darklights into the room to level his crossbow at my pretty, pretty husband, and poor Drew Fuller. He reacts to being shot before the computer-generated arrow hits his side. Yeah, more the effects team's fault than his, but still. He's the one who ends up looking like an idiot. The Spineless Dowd shrieks in the projection as the Dolt orbs out of the sewer without waiting for Raige, who stoops to retrieve the crystal and the amulet before following him back to the Manor. Meanwhile, the bar crowd cheers as Bahstan Rahb sporks The Dowd with his athame. The Dolt and Raige arrive just in time for Rahb to sneer, "You lose," before he darklights out with The Dowd's rapidly cooling corpse. The bar crowd goes nuts with the chanting and the wooting and such before being swallowed by another commercial break.
Manor parlor. The Dolt applies the tingly touch to Big Gay Chris's sucking wound, which presently knits itself up along with the hole in his shirt. The boys plus Raige then launch themselves into a mini processing summit, during which Chris realizes that the "rumor" he heard on one of his recent trips to the Underworld is apparently true: Demons really do have their own version of Survivor going on at the moment. The Dolt remarks that such a concept is "no sicker than any other reality show," and, when I think of travesties like The Swan or The Littlest Groom, I find myself forced to agree with him. Damn you, FOX! Rupert Murdoch ruins everything! Raige rises to announce the obvious -- that they have to get out of the Manor, pronto, because they're being watched. The bar crowd reacts with an odd silence as Raige looks up towards the cameras and promises in a singsong tone of voice, "We're gonna find you!"
Elaine, catching all of this on the live feed in the studio, paces while bitching, "We need more powers, fast." Johnny Demonic stumbles across a cunning plan and orders her to cue the confessional. Elaine's fingers fly across the control panel as Johnny strides through the studio to join Bahstan Rahb in said confessional. Rahb's strategy had been simply to wait for Phoebe to off the Bodhifter. Johnny suggests it might make for better television if Rahb eliminates the demonic competition himself. This twist draws admiring looks from the barflies as the scene cuts to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, where Phoebe's shrieking, "A reality what?" into her cell phone as she crosses into the room from the outside hall. After promising to return to the Manor immediately, Phoebe hangs up and thanks the Bodhifter for spending so much of his time with her that day, but she's gotta, you know, bail. The Bodhifter, attempting slickness and failing miserably, tries to finagle an invitation back to the Manor. Phoebe, realizing something's wrong, babbles out a hasty lie while, I don't know, scribbling out a quick spell on a handy legal pad? She's writing something down, at any rate. The Bodhifter, displeased with this turn of events, lunges at her with the athame to pin her against the wall while spitting, "Take me to your home now, witch!" Phoebe, absolutely terrified, somehow manages to deck her attacker and retreats into her own office, screaming for the Dolt. The Bodhifter rises and swings around the corner to menace. Phoebe latches onto the top of the doorframe and boots him in his chest just as Bahstan Rahb darklights in with athame unsheathed so that when the Bodhifter staggers backwards from Phoebe's blow, he falls on Rahb's outstretched dagger. Phoebe snatches the Bodhifter's athame up from the floor just as the Shapeshifter disappears in a burst of fire. Big Gay Chris orbs in, grabs Phoebe's hand, and orbs right back out again. He's so helpful. Rahb had let fly with another arrow, but it passes harmlessly through the dissipating orb cloud to embed itself in the wall. The barflies groan while Rahb retrieves his arrow onscreen and darklights out of the office. And that was more action than we've seen in months on this show. More, please.
Back in the studio, Elaine grins maliciously as she jabs the buttons on her control panel. Bahstan Rahb darklights in to Johnny Demonic on the set to gloat about winning the game. "Not quite," Johnny notes. Rahb's all, "Whuh?" forcing Johnny to remind him "that all good reality shows have one final twist." To the delight of Elaine and the disdain of the barflies, Johnny digs yet another dagger into Rahb's back, sending the unfortunate contestant to Hell on a cloud of fire and dust. Elaine joins Johnny on the studio floor to giggle and wave at the camera as Johnny promises the audience, "Now it's our turn to play." The barflies again go feral with the hooting and the ululations and whatnot as the Witch Wars logo washes across the screen.
Not!warts. The Manor Morons search for the Bodhifter dagger in various texts. Raige finds the correct entry, which describes the weapon as "a power-sucking athame," but contains no other useful information. Big Gay Chris, incidentally, is leaning hard against the table with his hands pressed into the surface, and his left elbow is hyperextended to the point that it looks like he has two right arms. Ew! Also: Big Gay Chris is double-jointed. Hee! The gang bangs their heads together and realizes they've run out of ideas. Phoebe and Raige suggest Piper head off to rest, so she pushes herself up from her chair to toddle back to her room as the shot cuts to Snidely's crystal ball, which is currently displaying the events in the library for Snidely and Head On A Nerd's collective benefit. They watch in stony silence as the Dolt rises to offer his ex-wife an arm. "You don't touch me," Piper merrily snarks in what has to be an ad-libbed line. "You're the reason I look like this." Heh. Snidely flicks a finger in the air, shutting off the feed from the library. The brief scene that follows makes it clear that Snidely's losing his already tenuous grip on reality, while Head On A Nerd's grown increasingly wary of the overall plan. Snidely crosses to his bookcase to retrieve a volume he opens and mojos so that its existing text flares and morphs into an entry on the "Ronyx Crystal." He snaps something about "eliminating" the Psycho once and for all before sweeping out of his study. Head On A Nerd sighs and looks pained.
Snidely strides into the Not!warts library to present the remaining Manor Morons with the Ronyx Crystal entry. For their benefit, he explains that the crystal Raige lifted from the Brute is "an ancient form of magical voyeurism" that "predates even the crystal ball." Phoebe notices that the entry contains a conveniently placed incantation to activate the thing. As she reads aloud, "Mallock cormon alli-tas," Snidely twiddles his fingers in the crystal's direction, activating it himself. The crystal shoots out a projection of Johnny Demonic's pre-credits monologue, which Phoebe, Raige, and Chris stare at intently while Snidely darts his eyes from one to the to gauge their responses. Meanwhile, the barflies are going nuts. Again. Some more. When Johnny hits the bit about taking the Charmed Ones' "progeny," Big Gay Chris snaps his head up from the projection to shoot a horrified glance at his aunts. Phoebe and Raige gape at each other as Snidely surreptitiously wiggles his fingers around to knock us into the final commercial break.
Not!warts. Aftermath. Snidely contrives to convince the Manor Morons that Elaine and Johnny Demonic are the dark demonic force Big Gay Chris has been searching for ever since he arrived from the future, based solely on the final line of Johnny's monologue. Raige figures it "sort of fits" in with Phoebe's theory as well, because, while they might never have heard of the two before this evening, Elaine and Johnny certainly had heard of them. No, it doesn't make sense. Just go with it, because there are about ten action-packed minutes left, and action sequences are an almighty bitch to recap, okay? In any event, all of this chattering leads to the following unbelievable exchange:
The Dolt, seething: I'm gonna kill them.
Snidely, snidely: No, [Dolt]. You're an [ever-useless] Elder now. Non-violent, remember?
The Dolt, steely: Watch me.
Cram it, pussy. Phoebe hoists the power-sucking athame and vows to off the demons of the week herself. Scene.
Down in the studio, Elaine and Johnny natter wickedly at each other until, on the live feed, Raige and Big Gay Chris amble into the nonexistent attic, feigning interest in Book abuse. "It's show time!" Johnny breathes. The demons mack until he squiggles out, and Elaine giddily spins to watch what follows on her flat-screen TV. At that moment, though, the Dolt orbs in behind her with the Feebs to perk, "Hi!" Elaine swings into attack mode as the shot cuts to the nonexistent attic, where Johnny squiggles in to snarl, "Anybody wanna play a game?" Big Gay Chris hurls something heavy at Johnny's head, but Johnny easily deflects the thing with a flicker of casual telekinesis. Raige pitches a couple of vanquishing vials at Johnny's chest, to little effect. Johnny grins and conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death. Raige and Chris sniper behind some attic detritus as the scene cuts back to the studio, where Feeb-fu is in progress. Phoebe plants a boot in Elaine's face. Elaine flips over backwards to the floor. The Dolt orbs in from behind as Elaine scrambles to her feet, and he plants the power-sucking athame in her back. Elaine's quickly reduced to a pile of smoking ash on the floor of the set as the dagger sporks and sizzles and gathers up her various powers before she dies. The Dolt grimly passes the blade to Phoebe, who concentrates on the thing as the camera begins to whirl around her. Her body eventually flares a bluish white as she absorbs the powers stolen from Elaine. "Feels good to have powers again," she smirks. "Give 'em hell," the Dolt offers. Phoebe squiggles on out of there.
A quick shot of the barflies baying at the smackdown session currently in progress in the nonexistent attic, during which it becomes clear that they've dropped all pretense of this being a live feed, as the camera angles on the projection TV are radically different from what had been previously established, and this show sucks, and I want to die, and it's back to the nonexistent attic with Raige and Big Gay Chris as they dive behind a sofa to avoid Johnny Demonic's Flaming Balls Of Death. "This game's over," he promises as he conjures one final FBOD. "I couldn't agree more," Phoebe states evenly as she squiggles in behind him. She generates her own FBOD, with which she offs Johnny Demonic as Raige and Big Gay Chris poke two pairs of wary eyes up from behind the sofa. Heh. Phoebe snaps her head around to address the camera -- and thus the barflies -- directly. "You guys wanna make a play for our baby?" she demands. "Our"? Cut the cord, Feebs. Which wasn't even your fucking cord to begin with. "Well," she continues, ignoring me once more, "who wants to play ?" With that, she squiggles through the screen into the bar itself as the Witch Wars logo washes across the TV, even though she had no way of knowing where this bar was, and even though there's no one left in the studio to alter the images broadcast from the control room. Whatever. Whatever! WHAT. THE FUCK. EVER! Phoebe starts hurling FBODs left and right as the barflies stampede for the exits. It's a well-done action and effects sequence but, you know, just a wee bit repetitive. Phoebe whacks about nine of the demons before vanquishing their fabulous and immense projection television set. Shrew. "Looks like your show's just been cancelled," she crows, and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat if I were you, missy. This episode pulled down the worst ratings in this series' history, and it's not too late for the WB to cancel your bony hag ass in time for the May upfronts. Bitch.
Cut to the Dolt orbing into the nonexistent attic to ask, "Where's Phoebe?" Big Gay Chris, slumped deep in the damaged sofa with an enormous purple pillow clutched to his chest as if for protection, murmurs, "Good question." He's adorable. Phoebe squiggles into the room at that moment to enthuse over her demon-slaughtering foray into the Underworld, while ordering Big Chris to find her another bad guy to torch. Chris looks like he wants to flee far, far away from this accursed house and his insane relatives. Raige prudently notes they must remove Elaine's powers from the Feebs before the pinheaded simp completely loses what little is left of her scattered mind. Phoebe takes this opportunity to treat the group to a Raige-mocking rant, wherein she repeats Raige's earlier assertion that the de-powered Phoebe is incapable of taking care of herself. Raige divests herself of whatever pride she might have had left and apologizes for her earlier comments. "That's what I was waiting for!" Phoebe cries, and I want nothing more than to smack the taste out of her mouth. The gall of this self-serving bitch! Phoebe continues with a gleeful, "Now, who wants to stab me?" The Dolt hesitantly explains that stabbing is the only way to eliminate the powers. "C'mon, I dare ya!" Phoebe shouts, getting all up in Raige's face. "I double dare ya! I triple dare ya!" Raige yanks the knife from Phoebe's hand and deadpans, "I'll stab her." Raige draws her arm back as Big Gay Chris winces and hides behind his pillow, likely to avoid getting doused by the shower of saline that's certain to follow.
Before we get to see anything interesting, though, the camera pans over to Not!warts, where Piper, incredulous, is howling, "You stabbed her?" "Oh, you would have, too," Raige counters. "She was pretty obnoxious," Chris agrees. "Was"? Raige, apparently, has decided to become a 1960s flight attendant in the break between scenes, if that hideous green sleeveless mini-dress she's sporting is anything to go by. I suppose the fact that she's pouring glasses of celebratory champagne during all of this isn't helping matters any, either. The Dolt enters with the mulleted, dead-eyed psychopath as Piper asks, "So we're one hundred percent sure these were the demons we were looking for?" Chris nods silently as Phoebe proposes the following toast: "To our nephew -- may he always be safe." Way to ignore my husband there, bitch. The ladies clink glasses as Big Gay Chris breathes, "I just can't believe it's over." "You saved the future," the Dolt smiles as the shot cuts over to Snidely's study, where he's watching the celebration through his crystal ball.
Head On A Nerd paces anxiously nearby as Snidely languidly snaps off the image to note, "They're off our trail." Snidely goes on at boring length regarding his plot against the Psycho's life, which Head On A Nerd endures until he reaches some sort of personal breaking point. "What if Phoebe's right?" he demands, turning to confront Snidely. "What if [Mangy Jesus] wasn't turned by a demon? What if, in trying to eliminate a threat, we are actually creating a monster? At such a tender age, to be betrayed by those who have sworn to protect you? What if that's what turns him?" Snidely leaps to his feet to jabber something insane and obsessive about the threat Mangy Jesus represents to humanity, or something, until Head On A Bag signs his own death warrant by announcing his intention to reveal Snidely's plot to the Manor Morons himself. He makes to exit the study, but Snidely catches him in some sort of telekinetic choking mojo that keeps Head On A Nerd rooted to the spot. Snidely quietly advances on the nerd, apologizes for what he's about to do, and blows Head On A Nerd to smithereens. Snidely drops his head a bit sadly as we finally fade to black.
week, it's the much-anticipated double-episode season finale, during which, apparently, tragic fashion choices abound. Just wait 'til you get a load of Bizarro Dolt. Oy.