Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Biting the hand that snatches food from their mouths
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.08.2004
The Dolt, seething: I'm gonna kill them.
Snidely, snidely: No, [Dolt]. You're an [ever-useless] Elder now. Non-violent, remember?
The Dolt, steely: Watch me.
Cram it, pussy. Phoebe hoists the power-sucking athame and vows to off the demons of the week herself. Scene.
Down in the studio, Elaine and Johnny natter wickedly at each other until, on the live feed, Raige and Big Gay Chris amble into the nonexistent attic, feigning interest in Book abuse. "It's show time!" Johnny breathes. The demons mack until he squiggles out, and Elaine giddily spins to watch what follows on her flat-screen TV. At that moment, though, the Dolt orbs in behind her with the Feebs to perk, "Hi!" Elaine swings into attack mode as the shot cuts to the nonexistent attic, where Johnny squiggles in to snarl, "Anybody wanna play a game?" Big Gay Chris hurls something heavy at Johnny's head, but Johnny easily deflects the thing with a flicker of casual telekinesis. Raige next pitches a couple of vanquishing vials at Johnny's chest, to little effect. Johnny grins and conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death. Raige and Chris sniper behind some attic detritus as the scene cuts back to the studio, where Feeb-fu is in progress. Phoebe plants a boot in Elaine's face. Elaine flips over backwards to the floor. The Dolt orbs in from behind as Elaine scrambles to her feet, and he plants the power-sucking athame in her back. Elaine's quickly reduced to a pile of smoking ash on the floor of the set as the dagger sporks and sizzles and gathers up her various powers before she dies. The Dolt grimly passes the blade to Phoebe, who concentrates on the thing as the camera begins to whirl around her. Her body eventually flares a bluish white as she absorbs the powers stolen from Elaine. "Feels good to have powers again," she smirks. "Give 'em hell," the Dolt offers. Phoebe squiggles on out of there.
A quick shot of the barflies baying at the smackdown session currently in progress in the nonexistent attic, during which it becomes clear that they've dropped all pretense of this being a live feed, as the camera angles on the projection TV are radically different from what had been previously established, and this show sucks, and I want to die, and it's back to the nonexistent attic with Raige and Big Gay Chris as they dive behind a sofa to avoid Johnny Demonic's Flaming Balls Of Death. "This game's over," he promises as he conjures one final FBOD. "I couldn't agree more," Phoebe states evenly as she squiggles in behind him. She generates her own FBOD, with which she offs Johnny Demonic as Raige and Big Gay Chris poke two pairs of wary eyes up from behind the sofa. Heh. Phoebe next snaps her head around to address the camera -- and thus the barflies -- directly. "You guys wanna make a play for our baby?" she demands. "Our"? Cut the cord, Feebs. Which wasn't even your fucking cord to begin with. "Well," she continues, ignoring me once more, "who wants to play next?" With that, she squiggles through the screen into the bar itself as the Witch Wars logo washes across the TV, even though she had no way of knowing where this bar was, and even though there's no one left in the studio to alter the images broadcast from the control room. Whatever. Whatever! WHAT. THE FUCK. EVER! Phoebe starts hurling FBODs left and right as the barflies stampede for the exits. It's a well-done action and effects sequence but, you know, just a wee bit repetitive. Phoebe whacks about nine of the demons before vanquishing their fabulous and immense projection television set. Shrew. "Looks like your show's just been cancelled," she crows, and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat if I were you, missy. This episode pulled down the worst ratings in this series' history, and it's not too late for the WB to cancel your bony hag ass in time for the May upfronts. Bitch.