Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I love a man in uniform
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 7 | Aired on 07.14.2001
Back at the Body Shop, Rico embalms Private Young Bottom. David enters and demands to know why they haven’t just cremated PYB like the brother authorized. Rico tells David about Nate’s plans to give him a military burial. David curses Nate and demands that Rico drive the body over the crematorium.
Okay, remember how, in Grease, Olivia Newton-John realizes that it’s time to say goodbye to Sandra Dee and she gets Didi Cohn to give her a sexed-up makeover so she can win back John Travolta? And then she shows up at the Senior Carnival with teased hair and a skin-tight black outfit? Well, imagine the menopausal version of Grease with Morticia Ingalls and Ed Begley Jr. as Sandy and Danny. I mean, it’s not like Morticia is wearing black spandex or anything, but she’s standing in the kitchen, helping Ed Begley cook and acting quite girlishly giddy. Maybe her doctor prescribed her some roofies or something. She’s also let her hair out of that bun, and I’m sure that if country singer Juice Newton were watching tonight’s episode, she’d probably call her lawyers and see about suing HBO for hairstyle copyright infringement. Brenda enters with David in tow. "Look who just arrived," says David through clenched teeth. Brenda hands over some wine and introduces herself to Ed Begley. "I understand you like to camp," says Brenda, making a cheap dig about Morticia and Greg’s hiking flings. "Hey, Brenda, I understand you like to have sex in public places," says Gustave, if he had been invited to this dinner party. Ed takes it in stride and puts her wine in the fridge. David tells Brenda that he doesn’t know where Nate is. "That’s okay," says Brenda. "I can exist without him." That’s because there is a heterosexual male present whom she could probably have public sex with if Nate bails. Due to some cooking issue, Ed Begley Jr. and Morticia have to reach into the same cabinet.
Claire enters at that moment and sees their bodies pressed against each other, and she has another David E. Kelley moment where she imagines Ed giving it hard to Morticia up against the kitchen counter. There is a clear view of Ed Begley’s right butt cheek and everything. Then, at the dinner table, David has a David E. Kelley moment of his own, imagining Mommie Dearest giving Ed Begley a hand job at the table. "I just can’t get enough of his cock," says Morticia in the fantasy. Speaking of Ed Begley’s cock, I once heard a rumor that it’s huge and that everyone in Hollywood knows this. And yes, I know none of you really wanted to hear about that, but it’s the first thing that pops into my head whenever I see Ed Begley Jr. And that goes for his appearances on 7th Heaven, too. You see, I’m nine years old. But you know, as sick my mind is, I have to say that I’ve really never -- unlike Les Freres et Soeur Fisher -- fantasized about my parents having sex. In fact, I accidentally walked in on my mother and stepfather having sex, and I had a David E. Kelley fantasy that they were searching frantically for a contact lens under the covers. Anyway, David drops his fork, and the fantasy ends. Claire asks her mom for permission to go to Sierra Crossroads so she can "go to the mountains and confront fear." Morticia agrees to discuss it later, after Claire explains that it will look good on her college application. Nate backs her up, confessing that he snuck away from home as a teenager and did a Sierra Crossroads program. Morticia announces that she’s got a new job with The Lusty Russian Florist. For some reason, this makes everyone silently gasp. Ed Begley says that she never mentioned it to him before. Morticia does the guilty "oh, I thought I did" routine.