Episode Report Card Gustave: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I love a man in uniform
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 7 | Aired on 07.14.2001
David moans about the meager price of the funeral. "That guy was the shit when we were in high school," says Nate. "I never even knew he had a brother." David tells him that he’ll meet the brother soon enough…when he goes to pick up his body at the VA hospital. Nate tells David that actually he’s planning to take a couple days off. David forbids it, and Nate tells him that he has no authority to tell him what to do. David explains, rightfully, that they need all the business they can get and he hasn’t had a couple of days off in ages. "You’re willing to live like that," says Nate. "I’m not." Actually, Nate, since your brother has been working his ass off for this company while you were getting laid up north and inherited 50 percent of the company anyway, you need to suck it up. They bicker their way into the kitchen, where Morticia Ingalls is scrubbing something. She interrupts them to tell them that Ed Begley Jr. is coming over for dinner. "Wouldn’t a restaurant be better? This is our home," says David. Um, David? Where was this "home" lecture while Nate and Brenda were having oral sex in the living room? "This is my home!" asserts Morticia Ingalls. Nate realizes aloud with a smirk that Ed Begley is "camping guy," and asks if he can bring Brenda. I guess that’s because Ed Begley is one of the final remaining cast members who hasn't yet seen Brenda and Nate have sex, so it’s important to get that out of the way while there’s an opportunity. Morticia doesn’t answer the question, instead going off on a rant about Ed Begley being a highly acclaimed chef while she defiantly rips off her apron. "He gave it all up to become a hairdresser," she says, her voice starting to break. "And he’s NEVER BEEN HAPPIER." She stomps off, pushing in one of the breakfast chairs with her butt. Isn’t it funny when menopausal women push stuff around with their butts? I’m sure David E. Kelley’s kicking himself right now for not making Betty White do that first.
Claire’s algebra class. She’s still reading Carlos Castaneda with a far-off expression on her face. I’m sure, because this is a TV show, that this means that she’s considering her spiritual options, but when I was in high school and someone was reading Carlos Castaneda with a far-off look on her face, she were probably thinking, "I wonder where I can lay my hands on that peyote that Carlos keeps talking about. Maybe my older brother who studies biochemistry at Arizona State could hook me up?" Anyway, the algebra teacher is passionately explaining an equation to the class, but no one is paying attention. I have to say here in all seriousness that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a math class on TV where the teacher was explaining an algebra equation authentically and actually made me believe that she understood what she was talking about. She even has that weary tone in her voice that every math teacher I’ve ever known has had that says, "Okay, I know none of you are listening to me, but could you at least pretend?" I love this math teacher and wish she had taught at my high school. But I was a weird teenager. I really liked math. Anyway, the teacher notices that Claire in particular is not paying attention, and she calls on her to explain the equation. Claire answers all defiantly that she can’t. The math teacher tells her that if she were paying attention and not reading, she’d understand the equation. Meanwhile, if this were my high school, I’d be sitting in the back raising my hand and yelling, "Combine the two binomials! Oh and by the way, Mrs. Davidson, is that turtleneck from Banana Republic? I was thinking of getting the same one but in ‘fern.’ The ‘smoke’ looks good on you but I don’t think I’d be able to carry it off with my skin tone." As I said, I was a weird teenager. Claire uses that tired excuse about how she’s not going to need algebra as an adult. Gee, Claire, I guess we should all just be able to opt out of math as teenagers and make the US educational system even more of a joke than it is now. And stop giving your teacher shit. These people are doing a valuable service for you and they get no money and no respect, so drop the attitude. The teacher argues, rightfully, that math is good for training your mind to handle complex logical issues. "You think the world runs on logic?" asks Claire. Oh, shut up, Sullen Girl! The teacher tells her to stay after class. Claire has a David E. Kelley moment where she imagines that she has magic powers to make her teacher spontaneously combust. Claire laughs at her own sick thoughts, and two girls in front of her turn around to shoot the stink-eye at Claire and give each other that "what’s her problem?" look.