Episode Report Card Gustave: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kiefer un-klad
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.14.2003
So anyway, TeutonicTortureDude gets a call from this white-haired guy who is wearing a suit and flying around in a helicopter over Los Angeles. I assume this is one of the evil oilmen who was behind the Cyprus recording. "You got the chip?" asks EvilOilMan. "Not yet," says TeutonicTortureDude, who goes on to explain that he's captured the "agent who took it off SeventhCoralSnake," but they haven't found the chip on him…or in his vomit, for that matter. EvilOilMan guesses correctly that the agent is Kiefer. "Let me talk to him," he says. José, Luis, and Slam hoist Kiefer up by pulling on some chains that are on a pulley and tied to Kiefer's wrists. His thigh moves just in time to prevent us from seeing Li'l Kiefer. TeutonicTortureDude hands Kiefer the phone. EvilOilMan congratulates Kiefer for being a hero. "The world doesn't have to know about this little arrangement that you and I are about to make," says EvilOilMan, who all of a sudden is bearing a striking resemblance to Chris Elliott. "Who am I talking to?" gasps Kiefer. "Gimme a break!" says EvilChrisElliott. "I need the chip, so let's not be pigs here." He offers Kiefer a large sum of money in return for the chip. "It's not for sale," says Kiefer, who goes on to give EvilChrisElliott a lecture on how starting wars for profit is bad. EvilChrisElliott cuts him off and urges him to come up with a price. "I already gave you my answer," says Kiefer. "When TeutonicTortureDude finishes working on you, you'll give me another," says EvilChrisElliott. Their call is over, but Kiefer can't hand TeutonicTortureDude the phone because his hands are tied, so there's this really funny moment where EvilChrisElliott is yelling for TeutonicTortureDude and finally Kiefer has tell TTD that he's wanted on the phone. They discuss how Kiefer is notorious for being hard to "break." "There's a time issue," says EvilChrisElliott. "Then you better let me get started," says TeutonicTortureDude, hanging up. He gives Kiefer one last chance to give up the chip. When he refuses, they put what looks like an empty roll of toilet paper into his mouth and start sterilizing the instruments of torture. Kiefer's eyes bug out when he sees TeutonicTortureDude coming towards him with a blade. I hate to say it, but he's totally reminding me of Tom Arnold right now. TeutonicTortureDude makes an incision in his abdomen.
Meanwhile, at CTU, Bitchelle is at her desk, setting up the Whatever Software they need to authenticate the chip. Lesbo-Carrie enters. "You wanted to see me?" says Lesbo-Carrie. Bitchelle tells her she's having trouble accessing the software because the "indexing function" is locked. She asks LC to unlock it. LC offers to authenticate the chip herself instead. "I don't need you to do it," says Bitchelle. "I just need you to unlock the indexing function." Oh, I think we need them to do it, if you know what I mean. So then Lesbo-Carrie is all, "What is your problem?" and they have a big argument right there on the floor of CTU. And by "floor," I mean the lower level of CTU where the less senior members work, not the actual floor where they'd have room to roll around and stuff. As they fight, Soul Patch hears the commotion and summons Bitchelle to his office. "What was that about?" asks Soul Patch. Bitchelle explains that Lesbo-Carrie wasn't following orders. Instead of calling Carrie to his office and ordering her to stop the insubordination, he demands to know what's going on between the two of them. Because he's got time to kill, what with the war about the start and all. There's always time for a dyke drama, right? After much hesitation, Bitchelle tells Soul Patch that she and Carrie used to be friends when she worked for Carrie at Division. Bitchelle introduced Carrie to her brother, who was married and had kids. He left his family for Carrie. Then Lesbo-Carrie got bored -- I'm assuming it might have been that whole penis between his legs or something -- and dumped him. Danny subsequently lost everything -- his job, his family --and even tried to commit suicide. Okay, maybe we're not supposed to be taking this story at face value. But if we are, the hell? Sure, this explains why these two women don't get along, but why would Lesbo-Carrie, who I guess is now Bi-Carrie-ous, be stalking the sister of a man she got tired of? If I ruined some guy's life, and then had to work for his sister, I certainly wouldn't be making goo-goo eyes at her all day long. I'd be sweet as pie…or downright invisible. "It's a shame you two have to work together," says Soul Patch. "But you do." He asks Bitchelle rise above this and not let it affect her very important work. The phone rings. It's security for Bitchelle. Danny's there to see her. Dun dun dun! So Bitchelle is all, "Are we okay here?" Soul Patch nods and watches her butt as she does downstairs to meet her brother.