Episode Report Card Deborah: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Arcadia the Beautiful
By Deborah | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.21.2004
Joan comes into Helen's classroom, where Helen's sitting at her desk brooding, to ask for some pink paper. Helen asks her how the campaign's going, as Joan gets a load of Shellacky and says, "Ew." She tells her mother, "I'm going to destroy Lars Klosterman, but Brian will win." Helen: "You have to destroy Lars to do it?" Joan, almost robotically: "There are no victories without casualties. The important thing is to win." Helen thinks to herself, wondering when her daughter's body was invaded by Donald Rumsfeld. Joan: "Mom, the paper?" Helen: "Well, what's 'winning'?" Joan: "When you get your way and the other people don't. May I please have the paper?" Helen just stands at the cabinet, silent, motionless. Joan asks if she's okay: "You look inches away from waterworks." Helen turns around and says, "Darlene Fitch quit art today." And the art world cheered. "Because of me. And, uh, that stupid gerbil." Joan: "Freaky. I'm sorry." Helen: "I was so obsessed with being right, with getting my own way. It wasn't that I wanted to hurt her; I didn't even think about her. This righteous feeling came over me and she was in my way. She's a sweet, decent person and I hurt her in a way that she will probably never forget." Joan gets the moral lesson, though frankly I think it applies a lot more to Joan's situation than Helen's. And even though she's not going to out Lars after all, and I was 99.9% certain she wouldn't, I'm still annoyed that she was written as having considered it.
Out in the hall, one of Lars's goons punches Brian and spits, "Bite me!" as he passes him campaigning in the hall. Joan walks up and tells them she's calling the whole thing off. Brian: "The missiles are in the silos! Why is Lars seeing the school counsellor?" Judith: "What's up, JoJo?" Joan pulls Judith aside and says, "We can't. Not even to Lars." Judith argues, "It's a slam-dunk. Look what he did to Brian!" Joan counters, "Would you want someone spreading around your crazy camp file, even if it was true? Don't you want the chance to work that stuff out yourself?" Judith asks her what happened. Joan: "I just saw it! What we were about to do…what were we thinking?" Brian comes over and demands to know what's going on. Joan turns and looks at Lars; she catches his eye, and he looks at her, obviously concerned that she may still blow his cover. Brian: "Come on, what have you got?" Joan claims Lars wants to join the Peace Corps. Oh, good lie. Brian's mystified. Joan elaborates that he's worried his friends will think he's a doofus. Brian wonders how Joan could think joining the Peace Corps is a bad thing. Joan apologizes, but Brian's really mad: "I was counting on you! You told me not to quit! Now this loss is gonna be on my college record." What? Really? Good grief. Will it make a note of the time he accidentally wet his pants in kindergarten, too? Joan: "I really loved your mission statement. I'm all the way up to page 18!" Judith suddenly has an idea: "At least give me one thing."