Episode Report Card Deborah: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Arcadia the Beautiful
By Deborah | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.21.2004
Another shot of Shellacky the shiny gerbil. Principal Whatsisname -- what the hell is his name, anyway? It's been so long since we've seen him, I honestly can't even remember. We'll just call him Principal Hotness, since the TWoP search page isn't working at the moment. Anyway, he comes into Helen's classroom. She's there alone, and he says, "You're actually displaying a dead animal in your classroom?" Helen chortles and says it's a "conceptual art piece." You can see Darlene's piece in the background, and it looks like something somebody on Trading Spaces would come up with -- probably Kia or Frank -- only it's more technically proficient than either of those two could manage: it's a 3D thing. There's a chunky bright yellow vase mounted on a purple background, with colourful flowers sticking out of the vase, and three huge blossoms in pink, purple and green mounted around it. I'll bet you anything it's called Flower Power. Go, Darlene. It's a lot more Barbie's Dream House than Jeff Koons, let's put it that way. Principal Hotness regards Annie's piece, telling Helen, "Darlene Fitch's parents called the school. It's an affront to their religious beliefs." Helen: "What religious beliefs?" Principal Hotness: "Who knows?" Well, that might have been a question worth asking. Just because you're hot doesn't mean you don't have to do your job, you know. "Just put the thing away." Helen's incredulous: "You're ordering me to put away a student's artwork?" Principal Hotness: "A dead gerbil is art?" Helen: "Why not? Damien Hirst hung a dead cow in the Tate Modern." He replies, "Oh, so the next time I run over a dog on my way to school, I'm Van Gogh?" Mmm, more like Antonio Becerra. Helen: "Do you often run over dogs on your way to school?" She manages to sound more genuinely concerned than merely sarcastic. He tells her to just get rid of it before they get sued. Helen: "You can't tell me what to display, just because it might offend someone. Sometimes art offends! If it didn't, we'd be left with clown paintings and Elvis on velvet!" Frink: "And Phil Collins." Helen's really worked up: "If they have a problem, tell Darlene's parents to call me!" She hustles out. Principal Hotness peers at Shellacky one last time before wandering out a different door.
Adam's taping a poster for Brian Beaumont onto a locker. It's a picture of Brian done in the style of Warhol's colourful silkscreen portraits, with the slogan "Making a difference for you!" Brian, who's wearing a richly printed tie with a plaid shirt, pronounces it "most excellent." They are far and away the best posters in the campaign. Joan asks, "So you'll find him an art scholarship?" Wow. Adam really got a whole lot better between "Cats Gone Wild!" and this. What'd that take? Like, a week? Brian says he doesn't really know anything about arts funding. Joan: "But you can find out, because you're the one who makes a difference. It says so right here…" Adam: "Jane, if he doesn't know…" Joan: "Eh-eh. Posters. Focus." She keeps Brian in her tractor beams as Adam walks off with the posters, bummed. Brian tells Joan, "Scholarship-wise, I just don't know if art is on anyone's radar anymore." Joan: "What? Look at those posters! Look! How can you say art isn't on anyone's radar? Look!" Adam's taping up a larger and even more boldly coloured version of his poster. Brian figures he could make a few calls. Joan: "That's right! Tell them you're El Presidente! Work it! Work it, Brian." Brian protests that he's not President. Joan assures him he will be. They start handing out flyers and exhorting people to vote for Beaumont. Behind them, Elizabeth von Yapp and her troupe of off-off-off-off-Broadway minions -- sans straw hats -- come singing down the stairway: "I'm Elizabeth Goetzman / I will represent Arcadia / and ever-y person / You will not regret if I'm elected Pres-i-dent…" If we vote for you, will you shut the hell up? Is that supposed to be "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" or what? I can't keep all these blinking American anthems straight. I hate anthems, and I diligently avoid all proceedings, from political rallies to sporting events, where I might be subjected to musical expressions of nationalistic fervor. Or any other expressions or outbreaks of nationalistic fervor. Einstein was wrong: nationalism isn't the measles of mankind, it's a cancer. Joan, not to be outdone, starts walking beside Elizabeth and improvising badly: "My Beaumont 'tis of thee / Sweet Presidente / He's got my vote / He's got the mission statement / It's forty-eight pages long…" They walk along, singing at the tops of their lungs and handing out flyers and it's excruciating and totally hilarious. Finally Joan and Elizabeth are right up in each other's grills, singing their heads off.