Episode Report Card Demian: B- | 7 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT Forever CANCELLED!
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 22 | Aired on 2006.05.21
Oh, shit. I forgot this stupid bitch was still alive. The screen flares white to boot us over to Not!warts, where we find The Retarded Bimbo lumbering her oddly proportioned ass into The Inky Chamber Of I Forgot What I Called It Last Week And I'll Be Damned If I Go Back And Look It Up Because CANCELLED! And Last! Episode! Ever! Ahem. Long story short, Fugly Rufus gets the bullet on the current sitch from The Retarded Bimbo and quickly orders her to use her super-special projection power to travel into the past to warn Openly Deranged Chrissssty about The Hollowed Manor Morons. The Bimbo -- who's just as teary-eyed and wrecked as Piper, but I don't care, because I hate her and I want her dead -- collapses against his chest in a grief-stricken swoon. Shut up, Retard. Fugly Rufus just stares icily above her head at the onrushing opening credits.
Chez Victor. The gentleman in question sits in his robe at the dining room table, steeping a teabag in a mug while gazing bleakly at a toy chicken, but I'm not really paying attention to anything that's going on in this scene because Drew Fuller's name just appeared in guest scroll at the bottom of the screen. Big Gay Chris! My husband returns! Joined by TEETH!! And Grams! And Boring Jesus! Hooray! In any event, while all that is going on, there's a knock at the apartment's door. Victor leaps over to answer and finds his sole surviving daughter standing in the hall with her freshly unfrozen husband. Piper -- who's cleaned up rather nicely since last we saw her, like, what happened to the enormous scorch mark on her forehead, show? -- delivers the bad news, and Daddy Dearest is predictably stricken. I'm sure I'd find it all very touching, but we all know Phoebe and Raige aren't going to stay dead for very long, so let's move this along, shall we? Victor, trying desperately to come up with a way to bring his youngest daughter and her lippy bastard of a half-sister back to life, starts babbling about the Stoopid Magikal Kommunity and eventually blurts out Stoop's name. Piper, thinking fast, remembers that Stoop once took Phoebe on a time-traveling jaunt to revisit her past loves and quickly determines he'll be doing the same for them. "[Stoop]?" she calls out. "If you can hear me, I need to talk to you now." Stoop hearts in immediately. Piper rather bluntly informs him of Phoebe's death before getting down to business: She'd like his chunky Cupid ring, and she'd like it now. Stoop, also predictably stricken, hesitates, but eventually slides the thing off his finger and hands it over. "Okay, wh-what do I do?" Piper stammers before sighing in frustration and asking, simply, "How does it work?" Stoop, getting a little misty-eyed himself, explains, "You just think about that person and, um, how much you love them," before warning, "I gotta tell ya, it doesn't always work the way you want it to, though, 'cause love -- love isn't practical." Uh. Thanks? For all but ensuring a final spate of Wacky Wiccan Hijinks in this, the last episode ever? Not. Shut up, Stoop. As Piper places the ring on her own finger, the Dolt darts over to her side, vowing, "I'm going with you -- I'm not losing you again." Piper beams at him as Stoop offers one final bit of advice: "Keep it simple. Just follow your heart to one of them." Piper nods in acknowledgement then, clasping the Dolt's hands in her own, closes her eyes to breathe, "Phoebe." The dark walls of Victor's apartment glow pink and morph into...