Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ex-Ex-President
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.14.2006
Hey, you'll never guess what's happening at CTU: it's a meeting! CTU: your one-stop shop for national security-related exposition. Buchanan is announcing to the troops that Tony's on his way in to the CTU medical facility. Off Edgar's surprise, Buchanan explains that they don't want him at the hospital in the event of another attempt on Tony's life. I can't imagine any place more dangerous for Tony than under the care of CTU doctors. The clinic had, like, three patients last season, and two of them ended up dead. Buchanan is convinced that there's a connection between the attacks on Palmer and the Patches, and tells everyone to work on that. At this point, a flunky interrupts with the news that "the DoD liaison is here" and needs to be set up on the security protocols for President Logan's summit. Buchanan heads out of the room to take care of it.
To the everlasting surprise of absolutely no one, the aforementioned DoD liaison is none other than Kiefer's ex-girlfriend Audrey Raines. I'm not calling her "DoDder" any more because I doubt we'll be seeing her DaD the Secretary of Defense this season, busy as he is with his shitty sitcom. ["More's the pity; he's the only member of that family I could actually stand. Raver's hair is still really pretty, though." -- Sars] Buchanan greets Audrey at the door, saying it must be tough to be back. Audrey puts on a brave face, and says she's sorry about Michelle. Michelle's ex nods tightly, and leads her across the floor as he reiterates his wish that the President would postpone that morning's treaty signing. Audrey doesn't disagree; she just politely but firmly says it's up to Logan, and that CTU's top priority should still be security for the summit. Buchanan shows her to her desk and heads off to mind his own beeswax. I just figured out why he doesn't really fit in at CTU: he's not half nosy enough.
It's 7:27:27 as President Logan bloviates about Palmer at an outdoor press conference. "Martha and I offer our deepest sympathy," he says before the edit.
Which brings us to Martha herself, played by Jean Smart from Designing Women. She's looking appraisingly at her fancy-ass hair and makeup in a mirror, while her maid tells her she looks beautiful. The First Lady doesn't seem to agree. "I look like a wedding cake," she snarks, and dunks her face into the full sink in front of her. She comes up for air and tells the shocked maid, "Let's start over." Yeah, I think that's pretty much the only option now. The maid hands her a towel, rather than wrapping it around her neck and twisting it like I would. "Oh, you can get that," says FLOTUS magnanimously in response to a knock on the door. Big of her. The maid goes out to the front room and opens the door to Walt, who quietly asks the maid if FLOTUS is ready. "Not…quite," the maid understates. Walt makes sure the maid didn't tell her boss about Palmer, and expositions that Palmer and FLOTUS have been friends for a long time. "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not here," FLOTUS calls from the bathroom. Walt dismisses the maid, and FLOTUS comes out, looking damp and bedraggled and apologizing for her lateness. "I'm having a bad hair day," she says. Must be the humidity in that sink she stuck her face in. Walt gently breaks the news to her about Palmer (but not before scaring the hell out of her by making her think something happened to Logan), and she's devastated. Walt tries to comfort her, and she's still processing her grief when she appears to come to some important realization. "I have to talk to [Logan]," she announces. Walt tells her that's not possible at the moment, but she runs right past him anyway at 7:30:13. He calls after her, but she's heading right on out of there at a dead run to the pizzicato strings of Oh, My Goodness, Look at the Crazy Lady. Walt gives orders to the nearest Secret Service guy not to let FLOTUS near Logan's stage, and gets on the phone to her shrink. To, what, yell at him for sucking?