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Season Five starts with a series of bangs. The shocks come fast and furious: Ex-President Palmer gets shot dead, Tony and Michelle get blowed up good, President Logan is about to accomplish something, and Chloe has a boyfriend. Meanwhile, Kiefer is hiding out somewhere outside L.A. under an assumed name, just close enough to come in to the rescue when Chloe calls him for help. She's figured out that the people who knew Kiefer is alive are the ones who are being targeted. Kiefer hijacks a helicopter, and his landlady's teenaged son Derek, to fly to the rescue. We meet President Logan's wife, who would seem to have a rather tenuous relationship with reality. Since Logan is about to sign a treaty with the Russian president, he so doesn't have time for her shit right now. He also doesn't have time for the warnings he's getting from CTU (where Buchanan, Curtis, Edgar, and Audrey are all back in play, along with Chloe's boyfriend, a weaselly little dude named Spencer) asking him to postpone the summit for security reasons. Kiefer and Chloe meet up just in time to get caught up with by the assassination team. Kiefer of course turns the tables on the bad guys, and gets the team's leader to reveal that Palmer was the real target, and that the ex-prez needed to be kept quiet -- although the assassin doesn't know about what. And then Kiefer kills the guy. Being freelance has advantages, I guess. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Welcome back, dear friends, to the fifth season of 24 recaps on Television Without Pity. Before we get started, I'd just like to say this: screw the greetings, I've got four of these bitches to write by Saturday. If you gotta pee, do it now.
Actually, I'm going to start with the DVD-only prequel that's included on the Season Four discs. A little warm-up exercise, if you will, because it's been almost a month and a half since I last wrote a recap and I want to be sure I still know how to do it. Pee during that, if you want.
The first couple of minutes of the prequel are the last two minutes of Season Four, conveniently beginning right where this page starts. The clock counts down the last few seconds to 7:00 AM and everything. And then it's replaced by the title, "12 Months Later."
In a suburban/industrial area of Chicago at 1:47:06 PM (which I can tell by the subtitles), a shiny silver rental car drives along a mostly empty street. At the wheel, of course, is Kiefer, looking pretty grungy in a dark-blue sweatshirt with the hood up. There's just no way to rock that look in shirtsleeve weather without coming off all dark-Jedi. Kiefer parks his car and gets out, adjusting his man-purse and his hood. He walks slowly but purposefully, hesitating briefly when a couple of guys hop out of a parked truck. Kiefer proceeds as if their presence there is innocent, which it quickly turns out to be as he walks past them. They don't say a word, but the fact that he's got his hood up on a sunny, warm day clearly makes them curious. Way to be inconspicuous, there, Kiefer. The only way he could stick out more would be to stop, turn, and look ba-- ah, there it is. Already I'm wondering how he lasted twelve minutes on the lam, let alone twelve months.
Nearby, a bright blue Prius pulls up and stops. Out of this car steps Chloe, formerly known as Potato Face. And I say "formerly" because her hair looks fabulous. Don't know what happened there. Maybe it's the cut, or the color, or the fact that this is the first time we've ever seen her in direct sunlight. ["It's got some body, finally. Maybe she busted out a weave? Regardless, I agree; it looks rad." -- Sars] She double-checks the crumpled note in her hand and wanders into the nearby truckyard. Where she's quickly grabbed and pulled against the side of a truck by Kiefer, who's been lurking there. "Are you sure you weren't followed?" he hisses, dashing any twisted hopes that this is some kind of romantic tryst. Which would have been dashed anyway, as we see when Kiefer pulls down his hood to reveal a greasy brown mullet. Ugh. Chloe, who actually looks better than Kiefer for the first time in history, tells him that he needs to get out of Chicago, stat. This advice is backed up by some technobabble, the upshot of which is that some clever soul infiltrated her computer and found out that she'd been mucking around in Kiefer's autopsy report. She paranoids that that's enough for the mystery hacker to realize that Kiefer's not really dead, and admits that she wasn't able to trace the source of the interception. She adds that whoever it is is good, and has figured out that Chloe has been in touch with an undercover operative in Chicago. Which makes the Windy City pretty much radioactive for Kiefer right now. Kiefer agrees that he's got to skip town, and says he'll contact Chloe once he's clear. She offers to help set up a new cover for him, but he declines, saying she's better off not knowing. "I can't believe you have to live like this now," Chloe says disgustedly, as if she'd been getting regular hot oil treatments for the last two seasons. Kiefer says he's fine, and sends her on her way. But then he stops her to ask about Spawn. "She's heartbroken," Chloe duhs, although she allows that it's better now that Kiefer's been gone for over a year. So he didn't tell his daughter he was alive? Smart man. He should have faked his death years ago. Kiefer thanks Chloe, and she heads back to her car. Kiefer pulls out what looks like a couple of cell phones and drops them both into a nearby dumpster.
While Kiefer's walking back to his parked car, a motorcyclist whose helmet has a tinted face shield roars around the corner and passes Kiefer on the street from behind. Kiefer looks up suspiciously as the biker gets to the corner and then turns to face Kiefer. Kiefer plays it cool, appearing in no hurry to get into his car while the biker just sits there, revving his engine. Kiefer starts his own engine and puts it in reverse, then waits to see what the biker is going to do . Well, actually, that would be nothing, because a black BMW with tinted windows comes screaming around the corner and aims straight at Kiefer's car. Kiefer hits the gas, and it's a nose-to-nose car chase, at least until Kiefer gets room to pull a J-turn and flee properly. Much chase-fu ensues. The Evil Beamer isn't shaken, and stays close behind as Kiefer drives onto busier streets, weaving in and out of oncoming traffic. His pursuer is no slouch either, though, and stays in tight despite inferior traction on turns, much to Kiefer's frustration. I've got to say I'm impressed with this. The Season Four prequel wasn't anywhere near this fancy. We got to hear Kiefer drop an F-bomb and that was about it. But this is really giving the DVD-buying public its fifty-odd dollars' worth.
Finally, Kiefer leads the Evil Beamer back into the truckyard and says to his rearview mirror, "I got you now." Approaching a parked forklift with its blades raised, Kiefer whips his car into a hard right. The Evil Beamer can't quite match his trajectory, and it goes into a sideways skid that ends with one of the forklift's blades impaled straight through the driver's side window. Ow. Remind me never to cut Kiefer off in traffic. Kiefer stops and looks back, and although the driver's head didn't come flying out the shotgun window on impact, Kiefer seems satisfied that the chase is over. Clearly no one else is in the car, which is lucky for Kiefer. He pulls his sweatshirt hood back up, and drives out of the yard calmly, as if he didn't just kill a guy in a car chase. The motorcyclist rolls into view behind Kiefer, revving his engine as he watches him leave and thinking, Yeah, you better run.
Black screen with titles: "He disappeared to protect his secret. He changed his name and started a new life. He thought he was safe…Then Day 5 began." And then there's a plug for the season premiere. Which, by the time you're reading this, is already over. Sorry if you missed it, Sparky. I'll do my best to help you out.
By the way, thanks to Fox for not joining the season premiere "already in progress" when the football game went long. I might have had to write a strongly worded letter if that had been the case. But finally, here we go.
Wait, previouslies? At the beginning of the season? No fair! Sure, they start with a title card reading "18 Months Earlier," but I know previouslies when I see them. Anyway, you remember at the end of last season that Kiefer was supposed to get turned over to the Chinese for raiding their Embassy in L.A., but someone ordered Kiefer killed instead. So Kiefer faked his own death, and nobody knew he was still alive except Tony, Michelle, Chloe, and Palmer. This will be important during the following, which a title card and Kiefer's voice informs us takes place between 7:00 AM and 8:00 AM. Weird that they're starting two seasons in a row at the same time of day. I can only hope that's a sign that this season will differ from seasons in other ways, by which I of course mean "be better."
A subtitle tells us we're in Mojave, California, where oil derricks are busily sucking liquefied dinosaurs out of the earth. A foreman is handing out pump assignments to the day laborers gathered around, but there's nothing for one lean, familiar face under its wide-brimmed metal helmet; it's Kiefer, of course. Any number of viewers are disappointed that they won't see Kiefer doing any pumping. The foreman apologizes to Kiefer, whom he addresses as "Frank," saying the pump he planned to assign him to is down for the day. Kiefer pleasantly says he'll try again tomorrow, and heads back to…well, wherever it is that Kiefer hangs his depression-era hardhat these days. And let me just give props to Kiefer for a moment here, for having the entire world from which to choose a hiding place, and yet still having the cojones to come back to Southern California. Masterful, really. I'm sure he's minimizing his chances of detection by commuting in from Thailand or something.
In a swanky penthouse apartment in Downtown Los Angeles, the Brothers Palmer are together again for the first time. Former President David Palmer is apparently working on his memoirs, with the help of his little brother Wayne. I suppose it's reasonable that Wayne would be out of prison from his burglary rap three years ago, although I wonder if his parole officer knows what he's paying in rent. Wayne makes some comment about the chapter on Palmer's first campaign being a little long-winded (our Palmer? Nawww), but notices that Palmer isn't even paying attention. Instead, Palmer is looking at a copy of the Los Angeles Tribune, with a very weirdly-laid-out banner headline that reads "President Logan To Sign Russian Arms Treaty." Logan, you recall, was the worthless Vice President who was sworn in after President Keeler got shot down in Air Force One last season. And now, he's not only still President, but he's apparently established a stranglehold over the print media's graphic designers. Wayne tries to get Palmer to tell him what's got him so distracted. Palmer blows him off as nicely as possible, giving his little brother a pat on the side of the head so we can see the copper bracelet on the ex-prez's wrist. Wayne reluctantly lets it drop, and gets back to work, leaving Palmer to stare out the window. "There's going to be a lot of questions about your relationship with Sherry," Wayne understates, and then a single bullet punches through the window and into Palmer's throat. Now that's gonna leave a mark. Wayne's at Palmer's side before he hits the ground, and we see a sunglassed Jeff Kober across the way with a sniper rifle. Wayne screams for help amid the Secret Service agents who are suddenly dashing around the place like headless chickens.
The subtitle places us at someplace called "Presidential Retreat, Hidden Valley, CA." Good place for a retreat, I'd say. Inside a fancy, wood-paneled but still very airy conference area, President Logan's Chief of Security, Walt Cummings is studying the contents of a folder. If you don't remember Walt, he was the guy I nicknamed "Bewigged Victor Garber" last season, the one who ordered Kiefer's death and started all this trouble in the first place. Logan breezes into the room, and gets assurances from Walt that his chair has been "adjusted." The once and present Presidential Chief of Staff, Mike Novick (formerly "Poor Man's Hume Cronyn"), wonders what that's about, and Walt explains that the six-foot-plus Russian president isn't going to be looking down on Logan in front of the cameras. Novick worries about the media finding out about the "adjustment," and there's a little discussion where we're reminded that Logan is concerned about his image and calls the upcoming treaty signing "the defining moment of my presidency." I'd say a more accurate reflection of the Logan presidency occurred in its earliest hours, specifically all those times he shit his pants. Logan's desk phone rings and Novick gets it, while Logan talks to Walt about how the First Lady is doing. Logan asks Walt to check on her personally: "She cannot have one of her meltdowns today. You're the only one she listens to." Well, that sounds like an outstanding marriage. Walt reluctantly agrees. Logan notices that Novick's off the phone, looking stricken. Novick delivers the news: "David Palmer's been assassinated." Logan and Walt are both shocked and horrified to hear it, and probably at least a little annoyed at the inconvenient timing. Novick says that CTU is on the line waiting to brief Logan, and he goes to the window and cries. Logan brushes Novick's shoulder as he passes behind them. Jeez, Logan, don't make it worse by getting all verklempt. I realize this is a tough moment for Novick, having lost an old friend and all, so I'll wait until later to ask why he's still working closely with a man who, for all he knows, had Kiefer killed. Wait, I've got it: it's because he's familiar to the viewers. Never mind.
Over at CTU, they've got Fox News on the big screen, with Palmer's face all over the alerts. Bill Buchanan in charge of the place this morning. I guess Division figures that since they always send someone over there every day anyhow, they might has well have a guy there at all times. Buchanan stalks the floor, giving orders through Curtis to coordinate the response to Palmer's shooting. Edgar pipes up to announce that Logan's on the line, and Buchanan ducks into the conference room to take the video call.
Logan's charming opening is, "Not to diminish the loss we're all feeling right now, but I'm expecting the Russian president very soon." He wants to know what's up, and quickly gets impatient with Buchanan's spiel about what they know and what they're doing: "Whoever did this, I want them dead or in custody by the time the Russians get here." Buchanan agrees, but advises postponing the treaty signing in light of the fact that "a former president was assassinated fifteen miles from where you are." Well, give or take four hundred miles. Maybe that's how Hidden Valley stays hidden. Logan shuts that right the hell down, saying that he worked too hard to arrange the summit and there won't be a second chance for this signing. Oh, just sign the Russian president's name yourself, you big sissy. Write some letters backward and nobody will know the difference.
Chloe lies awake in her bed (her hair less fabulous and more beddish), then quickly gets up and throws a robe on over her underwear. We get a look at her tiny shoulder tattoo, her apartment (decorated in Early Pier One), and some skinny dude named Spencer crashed out to her. She rather rudely orders him out of her bed, throwing his clothes at him and heading into the kitchen. She's clearly having regrets ("I don't get involved with people who work for me," she says, going on about four words longer than necessary), although he obviously and foolishly doesn't share them as he pulls on his clothes. She tells him to keep this under his hat: "I don't want everyone thinking I'm some kind of slut." Spencer and millions of viewers assure her that nobody is ever going to think that. He comes up behind her and makes a little speech wherein he preemptively accepts her request for a "date," and she swallows her little grin before turning around and informing him that "Arrogance doesn't turn me on." He just smirks at her until she starts to melt, and they're about to kiss. Man, I just know that guy is up to no good, but he's doing a good job of pretending to be attracted to Chloe. Then her cell phone rings. She reads the text message, and relays the news about Palmer. I don't know who sent her the message, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she has her cell phone set to ring every time there's an update at Google News.
Kiefer's back at his place, which appears to be a long rambler somewhere. Must be close to the oil fields, obviously. It doesn't look at all like Thailand. He's turned on the TV, and is learning the sad (to him) news about Palmer from fake news channel CNB. He sniffles and looks down, just in time for the music to go from sad to suspenseful in response to a knock at the door. He reaches under the couch cushion for a handgun, which he points at the door and calls, "Who is it?" A woman's voice answers, "It's me, Frank." Kiefer hides the gun behind his back and cracks the door open to reveal Connie Britton (from Spin City and Season Three of The West Wing) standing there. She's playing Kiefer's landlady, Diane. She looks past him at the Palmer story playing on his TV and makes some sad noises. Kiefer looks even sadder, and she asks him if he's okay. She touches the side of his face, which seems to surprise him a little, and he says he's fine. It's 7:11:22 as she invites him to breakfast and walks away from his door. Kiefer says he'll be right there, and closes the door so he can hide his gun before joining her. His handgun, I mean. It's not really clear whether he's been hiding his other gun in the landlady.
She must live in the same house, because she's already in her kitchen, informing her scraggly-haired teenaged son that "Frank's going to join us." The kid doesn't seem too thrilled to hear it. His name is Derek, by the way, because if you're Kiefer's landlady, what else are you going to name your kid when you live ten feet from the oil fields? Kiefer himself enters after a moment, just as Diane is admonishing the kid not to drink O.J. out of the carton. Kiefer even offers the kid a glass, which he ignores, choosing instead to take another swig out of the carton while staring right at Kiefer. Embarrassed, Kiefer lets it go, even though he could have that carton coming out the kid's ass in about five seconds. As the boys awkwardly sit down at the table, the kid's got something to ask his buddy "Frank": he gets Kiefer to confirm his cover story about having worked on an Alaskan oil rig called the Albatross during the year. And, as luck would have it, the kid has a friend who's brother's been on the Albatross for five years, "and he's never heard of any Frank Flynn," Derek accuses. He should read some Gregory McDonald books, then. Diane looks over towards the table with interest as Kiefer gets all evasive. Diane comes to the table, telling Derek to chill out. But now, Kiefer has figured out that the kid's probably bluffing, and calmly asks what the friend's brother's name is. The kid can't meet Kiefer's cool gaze, and excuses himself. Diane makes apologies for her "overprotective" (read: "obnoxious") son. Kiefer starts to say more, but Diane doesn't want to hear it: "I trust my instincts. And I trust you." So are they doing it or not?
If I hadn't already been sure that Palmer was a Democrat, the sight of a Fox News anchor smirking as he delivers the news of his death seals the deal. This time, the broadcast is being watched by Tony as he stands in his kitchen, looking as unhappy as ever at 7:13:33. Michelle is also there, looking fetching in jeans and a red tank top with her hair all loose and wavy. And of course, the scene wouldn't be complete without that Cubs mug in Tony's hand. I wonder how many of those he's been through. Michelle's on the phone trying to get through to CTU to volunteer their services in the search for Palmer's killer. Tony isn't really on board with this plan; in fact, he takes the phone from her and hangs it up, saying it's not their job anymore and that CTU can handle it. Michelle reminds Tony of their past experiences dealing with attempts on Palmer's life. She says she doesn't regret leaving CTU, but doesn't want to look back on today and realize she could have helped. Oh, don't worry. You won't. Tony reminds her of a meeting they have with a potential client in less than an hour. Michelle tells him he's on his own with that, and starts to head out. He tries to stop her, but she won't be stopped. She kisses him on the cheek and heads out the door without another word. Tony picks up the cordless phone to call their potential client as he watches Michelle out the window, now wearing a maroon jacket over the tank top. Tony gets through to his potential client's voicemail, and is in the process of leaving a message saying that Michelle is skipping the meeting. Then he pauses and adds, "On second thought, I'm going with her." No sooner are the words out of his mouth than the window behind him shatters and he's knocked flat on his face by what my closed-captioning describes as a "booming explosion." Can't argue with that. He's dazed for a moment, but quickly gets up and runs outside, where the shattered hulk of Michelle's car is burning brightly. He calls her name, and finds her on the ground nearby under the charred car door. He tosses it aside, and cradles her bleeding, hair-fried form in his arms, checking her pulse. And then the gas tank blows up behind him, engulfing them both in flames. I think I read somewhere that they were running a private security company. I doubt their clients will be impressed to learn that these big-time security analysts can't even keep themselves from getting blown up.
And then the weirdest thing happens. The screen goes black and it's filled with the ticking clock, starting at 07:15:56. And then the screen goes black again, and when the picture comes back, there are people trying to sell me things! This never happened when I was recapping HBO shows. Wait, I seem to remember this kind of thing from the last season of 24. I don't have to recap these, right? Welcome back, commercials! I missed you! All is forgiven!
7:21:42. FBI agents mill around Palmer's body, a Marine in dress uniform raises the American flag, and Kiefer eats his breakfast. What a patriotic tableau. At CTU, Spencer walks in, passing behind Edgar's chair. He's already heard about the "two former CTU agents," and Edgar tells him their names, revealing that he know them both. He's working on connections between the two unfortunate car-bombees and Palmer, and has sent the parameters to Spencer's screen. Spencer says he'll get right on it, and sits at his desk nearby. Edgar calls up Chloe's cell phone to ask if she's coming in. She's walking briskly to her car as she says she got paged and is on her way. She tells Edgar she already knows about Palmer, but she hasn't heard the latest until Edgar tells her, "Someone planted a bomb in Michelle Dessler's car." Chloe has by now reached her blue Prius (which is the same one she was driving in "Chicago," like, buy a plane ticket, lady), and the hand with the key in it freezes inches from the lock. We can clearly see the numbers of the keyless entry system, but the look of horror on Chloe's face is quite satisfying, so whatever. Edgar breaks the news that Michelle is dead (sad!) and Tony's "not doing too good." Edgar's still babbling away about whether there's some connection between Palmer and the Patches while Chloe looks nervously around her. And some distance off, a bald guy is getting out of the passenger side of a white van and looking at her intently. About the only other thing he could do to give himself away is yell at her, "Get in your car! It won't blow up!" Chloe catches the snap and starts running in the other direction. In the van's driver's seat, Jeff Kober tells Bald Guy, "Go," and the chase is on. While running, Chloe tells Edgar she'll call him back, and he says her name in a way that gets Spencer's attention, although Spencer looks away to pretend he didn't hear anything. Way to play it cool there, Romeo.
Chloe leads her pursuer through back alleys and straight into a multi-level, outdoor mall. She dashes up an escalator, and Bald Guy isn't far behind. He's stuck behind a couple of suits for a few seconds, but when he pushes past them and runs the rest of the way up, Chloe pops up from the narrow gap between the railing and the wall below him, then scrambles down to double back without being seen. Bald Guy gets to the top and looks around, confounded. Aw, don't give up, Bald Guy! I believe in you!
Breakfast at Diane's. Kiefer is offering to fix a fence out back, since he doesn't have any actual work today, and Diane gratefully accepts. Kiefer's cell phone rings. I'd say breakfast is over. Indeed, it's a desperate Chloe on the other end, calling from a pay phone and begging him not to hang up. Kiefer, highly conscious of his landlady sitting about three inches away, acts like he's got a bad signal so he can excuse himself outside and speak freely. Chloe blurts the news about Tony and Michelle, and actually has to spell things out for him, for once: "There's four people [sic] that know you're alive. Three of them are down. Jack, I'm the only one left! This has to be about you!" "Oh, my God," Kiefer breathes. He goes back into his own room as Chloe gives him more details and says she doesn't know what to do. He tells her to "go dark," meaning no contact with anyone, especially CTU. As he's talking, he pushes a dresser aside to reveal an air vent and takes a screwdriver out of one of the drawers, which he then uses to remove the grate from the vent. He tells her to head north from L.A. and get to an abandoned oil refinery at Variel and Topanga. He'll get there in about a half hour. They hang up at 7:25:33, just as he gets the grate off and pulls out his faithful man-purse to the heroic musical theme of Hey, Look, It's the Man-Purse! He also dons his wide-banded wristwatch and his aviator shades and heads out the door, leaving the vent grate and his screwdriver sitting on the floor. Something tells me that fence isn't going to get fixed today after all.
Hey, you'll never guess what's happening at CTU: it's a meeting! CTU: your one-stop shop for national security-related exposition. Buchanan is announcing to the troops that Tony's on his way in to the CTU medical facility. Off Edgar's surprise, Buchanan explains that they don't want him at the hospital in the event of another attempt on Tony's life. I can't imagine any place more dangerous for Tony than under the care of CTU doctors. The clinic had, like, three patients last season, and two of them ended up dead. Buchanan is convinced that there's a connection between the attacks on Palmer and the Patches, and tells everyone to work on that. At this point, a flunky interrupts with the news that "the DoD liaison is here" and needs to be set up on the security protocols for President Logan's summit. Buchanan heads out of the room to take care of it.
To the everlasting surprise of absolutely no one, the aforementioned DoD liaison is none other than Kiefer's ex-girlfriend Audrey Raines. I'm not calling her "DoDder" any more because I doubt we'll be seeing her DaD the Secretary of Defense this season, busy as he is with his shitty sitcom. ["More's the pity; he's the only member of that family I could actually stand. Raver's hair is still really pretty, though." -- Sars] Buchanan greets Audrey at the door, saying it must be tough to be back. Audrey puts on a brave face, and says she's sorry about Michelle. Michelle's ex nods tightly, and leads her across the floor as he reiterates his wish that the President would postpone that morning's treaty signing. Audrey doesn't disagree; she just politely but firmly says it's up to Logan, and that CTU's top priority should still be security for the summit. Buchanan shows her to her desk and heads off to mind his own beeswax. I just figured out why he doesn't really fit in at CTU: he's not half nosy enough.
It's 7:27:27 as President Logan bloviates about Palmer at an outdoor press conference. "Martha and I offer our deepest sympathy," he says before the edit.
Which brings us to Martha herself, played by Jean Smart from Designing Women. She's looking appraisingly at her fancy-ass hair and makeup in a mirror, while her maid tells her she looks beautiful. The First Lady doesn't seem to agree. "I look like a wedding cake," she snarks, and dunks her face into the full sink in front of her. She comes up for air and tells the shocked maid, "Let's start over." Yeah, I think that's pretty much the only option now. The maid hands her a towel, rather than wrapping it around her neck and twisting it like I would. "Oh, you can get that," says FLOTUS magnanimously in response to a knock on the door. Big of her. The maid goes out to the front room and opens the door to Walt, who quietly asks the maid if FLOTUS is ready. "Not…quite," the maid understates. Walt makes sure the maid didn't tell her boss about Palmer, and expositions that Palmer and FLOTUS have been friends for a long time. "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not here," FLOTUS calls from the bathroom. Walt dismisses the maid, and FLOTUS comes out, looking damp and bedraggled and apologizing for her lateness. "I'm having a bad hair day," she says. Must be the humidity in that sink she stuck her face in. Walt gently breaks the news to her about Palmer (but not before scaring the hell out of her by making her think something happened to Logan), and she's devastated. Walt tries to comfort her, and she's still processing her grief when she appears to come to some important realization. "I have to talk to [Logan]," she announces. Walt tells her that's not possible at the moment, but she runs right past him anyway at 7:30:13. He calls after her, but she's heading right on out of there at a dead run to the pizzicato strings of Oh, My Goodness, Look at the Crazy Lady. Walt gives orders to the nearest Secret Service guy not to let FLOTUS near Logan's stage, and gets on the phone to her shrink. To, what, yell at him for sucking?
Logan's still going on to the press about Palmer when FLOTUS comes race-walking out of the nearest building, which luckily is a good hundred yards away. She's quickly intercepted by an unfortunate Secret Service agent, but she's clearly not in the mood to be intercepted and snaps at the poor guy to get away from her. In mid-speech, Logan notices the commotion in the distance and glances off in that direction. Novick does the same, and does a full-body cringe when he sees what's going on. For some mysterious reason, all of this completely escapes the White House press corps. Nice touch of realism there, to make those folks the opposite of alert. Novick heads off to deal with the situation. I'm thinking he should maybe be making a "wrap it up" gesture towards Logan, but then, the cameras will still be rolling so that wouldn't help. When Novick gets to FLOTUS, she's telling the world's least lucky Secret Service agent that "I will have your family eating dog food out of a can." Better than out of a bag; that canned stuff is expensive. Novick tries to calm her down. "Tell your storm trooper to stay away from me!" she yells. So that didn't work. Fortunately, Walt catches up and manages to talk her out of her tree. She collects the remains of her dignity and a few soaked locks of hair and whispers, "Tell Charles I want to see him when he's done." Walt agrees. It's 7:31:52, and I think we've pretty well established that the President's wife is a nutbar.
7:37:34. Buchanan looks stressed, Audrey's getting reacquainted with her old friends the CTU file folders, and Kiefer's driving a brand-new silver Toyota pickup, which tells me that living underground pays a lot better than I thought. He's headed down a dirt road to a sprawling desert fire station. When he gets out of the truck, it's too bad he's so occupied throwing the strap of his man-purse over his shoulder that he doesn't notice the silver SUV right behind him, pulling up to his truck. There's a guy at the station in a cap and uniform, and Kiefer walks right up to him and socks him in the mush, knocking him unconscious with one blow. While he's dragging the body out of view, he hears a noise. Instantly, Kiefer's gun's out, pointed at someone moving behind a wooden pallet. Kiefer kicks the pallet aside, revealing a very frightened Derek, who's holding his hands up and begging Kiefer not to shoot. He apologizes for following Kiefer, saying he was worried about his mom. Frustrated, Kiefer says the kid's coming with him. The kid wants nothing to do with this, but Kiefer insists. "Get in the helicopter," he orders. Helicopter? Who said anything about a helicopter? Oh, there it is. Kiefer drags the begging kid over to the rescue chopper and bundles him in, then climbs in himself.
An unconscious Tony is being wheeled through CTU, an oxygen mask over his face and a giant pad of bloody gauze covering the entire right side of his head. Curtis catches up to the gurney as it heads through the crash doors, which Buchanan is helpfully holding open for the busy trauma crews. That seems a little micromanage-y to me. Curtis wants to talk to Tony, but Buchanan says Tony isn't responsive. Apparently he's suffered a closed-head trauma which has not only affected Tony's speech, but which is also something that can be diagnosed incredibly quickly. It's still unknown whether Tony will be able to talk after his surgery. As the two men walk back towards the floor, Curtis shows Buchanan some of Tony's old phone records, drawing his attention at 7:39:44 to a conversation between Tony and Palmer on the day Palmer was killed. Curtis says he tried to pull the transcripts, but the files were corrupted. "What's he hiding?" Buchanan wonders. "Something about Jack's death," Curtis guesses. Can't get much past these two.
Kiefer and Derek are already airborne. The kid wants to know where Kiefer's taking him and why, and who Kiefer really is. The answers: Los Angeles, and "you'd have gone to the police and I couldn't let that happen," and "someone who's not supposed to still be alive." Derek thinks that means witness protection, and Kiefer readily agrees, although he doesn't want to say any more for Derek's own protection. Aw, Kiefer, tell him the whole story. Do it for me. The kid's bugging me. Kiefer pulls out his cell phone and calls Diane. He tells her that he's in a helicopter with Derek, and he needs her to come to Los Angeles and pick her son up. She gets all annoyingly panicky and whiny, and he insists that he'll explain when he sees her, but he needs her to start driving to L.A. now. "Remember this morning when you said you trusted me?" A half hour ago? "Right now I need you to trust me." He hangs up, and she's out the door. Derek's confused as to why Kiefer is going to be willing to hand him back over to his mom when he was worried about the police just a few minutes ago. Kiefer cryptics, "I have something to do in Los Angeles. Once it's done, it doesn't matter." Derek doesn't look like that's the most reassuring answer he could have gotten.
7:41:45. FLOTUS is standing in front of her window in her bathrobe, sipping a glass of what I hope is water at this hour. Logan comes in and walks to her side, and she apologizes for making a scene. He remarks that her shrink says FLOTUS is off her meds. She complains about how they make her feel, and he gently says they just need to get through today. Martha brings the conversation around to what she wanted to talk about before: "I think that David was killed because of something he was about to tell me." That she's loopy as a loon? Logan does his best to keep his expression neutral, which he does about as well as he does everything else. He leads her over to sit on a sofa, and asks her for more details, which she readily provides: all Palmer said was that it concerned national security, it involved Logan, and Palmer would explain when he saw her. Logan wonders why Palmer wouldn't have called the prez himself. FLOTUS: "Charles, you shut him out of this White House about eighteen months ago. He had no real access." "Except through you," Logan says, just a mite bitchily. That's all it takes for her to realize that he doesn't believe anything she's saying, and she starts getting pissed off. She insists that she isn't making it up, and he gets all conciliatory again and agrees to "have Walt look into it." FLOTUS is relieved, even more so when Logan tells her he needs her there with him when the Russian president and his wife get there in an hour. Even crazy people like to feel needed, you know. She hugs him, and lets him leave the room.
Outside, his true opinion of all of this becomes apparent when he meets up with Walt. "She's having another one of her delusions," he says. He tells Walt about FLOTUS's claims about her connection to Palmer's death, and says, "She thinks she's in the middle of one of her own conspiracy theories." Ah, so this has happened before. I bet she gives great interview when Barbara Walters gets her to go off-script. Walt asks what they should do. "Nothing," says the doting husband. It's 7:44:32.
7:50:13. Chloe rides in the back of a cab, Kiefer flies his stolen helicopter, and FLOTUS tries to get her shit together. At CTU, Edgar approaches Spencer and asks if he's talked to Chloe this morning. Spencer lies that he hasn't. Edgar's worried that Chloe hasn't gotten there a half hour after leaving her apartment (as we know, it's a short commute), he can't reach her on her cell phone, and "she sounded strange when I talked to her." "She always sounds strange," Spencer smirks. Edgar says he's going to run a locator trace on her phone, but Spencer assures him she's fine. "I saw her about a half hour ago," he says. Edgar's confused. "Do you really need me to spell it out?" Spencer finally says, and then Edgar isn't confused any more. Then he's just sad. Aw, poor jilted geek. He obviously thought he had the inside track to that action. Spencer again assures Edgar that Chloe's fine, and goes back to work.
Chloe's cab arrives at the oil refinery, and she gets out, probably giving a shitty tip. Meanwhile, Kiefer is circling the field overhead, resolutely ignoring Derek's repeated requests to tell him what's going on. Finally his persistent whining does what a trained torture expert couldn't and breaks through Kiefer's wall of silence: "A friend of mine is in trouble," Kiefer explains. "I needed to pick her up in a hurry." He comes in for a windy, dusty landing.
Chloe is running to the refinery's gate at 7:51:55. It's locked, of course. When she starts to scale the fence, she discovers that it's loose near the ground and she slithers through, leaving behind her jacket and a hunk of skin. Kiefer's waiting by the chopper when she runs into view and straight into his arms. She asks what's happening, and Kiefer says they're going to find out as Derek watches the reunion through the helicopter's windshield. Kiefer asks her if she can help him get remote access to CTU archives. She says she can't with her laptop, but there's a place at Cal Tech where it can be done. Derek hops out of the chopper, to say hi I guess, and Chloe asks who he is. Kiefer says he'll explain in the car, but she says she cabbed it. Kiefer looks briefly flummoxed to hear that Chloe didn't want to get into a vehicle that was almost certainly wired to blow her sky-high, but then remembers that they have this handy chopper right there. And with Kiefer's problem-solving abilities, I'm sure he'll even be able to figure out the parking shortage at Cal Tech. Helicopters are actually fairly easy to parallel-park, from what I hear. He orders Derek back into the craft and ushers Chloe inside as well, then gets in at 7:53:15 and starts her up. The helicopter, I mean, not Chloe. As the rotors begin to spin, Chloe looks up and sees two vehicles screaming into position outside the gate. And, uh-oh, one of them is the white van from earlier. "How did they find me?" she babbles in panic. "I don't think they ever lost you," Kiefer says. The bad guys have taken a set of bolt cutters to the chain around the gate and are on their way in. Kiefer's passengers are telling him to take off already, but the rotors aren't spinning fast enough yet. "We're not going to make it," Kiefer says as the white van and a black sedan speed towards them. He orders his charges out of the helicopter, telling them to stay close by. He gets out himself and throws a couple of smoke bombs from the chopper's emergency kit, obscuring the vehicles' approach. That done, he gives Chloe a gun and sends her and Derek running into the refinery. And the man-purse goes back on. I hope that thing gets SAG points. The pursuing cars stop to regroup, unable to see a thing through the haze Kiefer's thrown up. Jeff Kober sends the sedan through the smokescreen that isn't being blown away even a little by the whirling helicopter rotors nearby, and he himself advances on foot. Bald Guy holds his position. Too bad for Bald Guy, as Kiefer appears almost literally out of the smoke and kills Bald Guy with a knife, all quiet-like. That'll learn him not to kill Chloe.
Chloe and Derek run through the pipes of the refinery until Chloe chooses some apparently arbitrary hiding place and they both crouch down. Now they're safely out of sight from one direction.
Kiefer sneaks between parked cars along a service road. The black sedan comes roaring down the lane in his direction. He jumps out in front of it and empties his gun into the windshield, and the car goes off course and smashes into a parked pickup, probably destroying the camera that was positioned inside it. Kiefer reloads and satisfies himself that the bloody-headed driver is dead (by looking at him, not by shooting him some more), and continues on his way.
At 7:55:37, Jeff Kober stalks the fugitives, closing in on their position. Kiefer also makes his way among the pipes, and spots them crouched down low from about a hundred feet away. Nice hiding spot, Chloe. Kiefer then looks and sees Jeff Kober approaching them stealthily. Before he can shoot, Kiefer sneaks up and shoots Jeff Kober first, once in the leg. Kober starts to turn to face Kiefer, but Chloe hears the shot, panics, and fires three shots at Kober. Kiefer caught a break there, I'd say. That could have gone either way. If anything, I'd have expected Chloe to fire at the sound of the shots. At least two of her bullets hit Kober in the torso and he goes down, even as Kiefer is bellowing at her to hold her fire. Kiefer approaches Kober and kicks away the killer's dropped gun, then begins checking him for more weapons. And apparently, going by where Kiefer's feeling around, the big thing for hit men these days is to carry guns around in your ass. Kiefer orders Chloe to take the kid and clear out. Chloe obediently but poutily leads Derek about forty feet away, and then they both turn around so they can watch what's about to happen. I think Kiefer meant further away, Chloe. Kiefer promises a grievously wounded Kober that he'll bring him to the hospital to save his life, if Kober tells him what he wants to know. Kiefer's first question is why the four people who knew he was alive were targeted. Coughing up blood, Kober explains that Palmer was the primary target, and that the others were only killed to set Kiefer up. Kiefer asks why Palmer was killed, and Kober says it was to keep him from talking, although about what, Kober doesn't know. "Only hired to take out the principal," he grunts. Kiefer's face gets hard as he realizes, "You're the one that killed Palmer." Kober readily cops to it.
Kiefer's angry face shrinks up into the top half of the screen. Derek looks on nervously. Meanwhile, Tony is in brain surgery, FLOTUS is in hair-and-makeup surgery (and let's hope the maid drained the sink before getting started this time), and Logan sits at his desk all inertly Palmer-like. Kiefer asks Kober, "Who's behind this?" But Kober's already spilled all he knows. "Take me to the hospital," he concludes. "Yeah," Kiefer agrees, and then puts one bullet into Kober's head. Like Kiefer has time to be taking people to the hospital all willy-nilly on days like this. It's 8:00:00, and it's like Kiefer never left.