Episode Report Card Megyn: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shock The Ducky
By Megyn | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 08.22.2000
Cut back to death row, former home of the best damn character ever and I still miss her, where Van Blow is goading Moses about how he always calls him "black boy," and while he was downstairs with his lawyer, Van Blow was thinking of other racial slurs to call him. I'll tell all of you right now, as long as I recap this show, I will not type racial slurs. I will always skip over them, because that's the kind of power the recapper has. I'll type dumb-ass scenes, sex scenes between Ryan and Claire until I'm driven to bang my head against the laptop keyboard causing me to walk around the rest of my life with the home keys embedded in my forehead, but there are lines. I draw them. There you have it. Also, Van Blow's dialogue is just dumb. I have an aversion to dumb-ass dialogue. Moses draws a screwdriver from the cast on the arm he broke hitting the wall the last time Van Blow slurred him); all the while VB is spouting racist nonsense, and Moses begins chiseling away at the wall between them. While the voice of logic and reason inside me says, "There's no way in hell he can dig through -- I mean, the first time someone approaches the friggin' cell they'll see it!" the southerner in me who hates Van Blow with, and I'm gonna quote Djb here, the fire of a thousand suns cheers his screwdriver on and waits for the season finale where the smackdown will surely be delivered.
Cut to the usual flashback of what usually is a new prisoner, but this time it's of our near and dear Stephen King doppelganger, a.k.a. Eli, who apparently landed himself in the gray-bar hotel by throwing boiling oil from a frying pan containing eggs (?) into the groin area of his former boss, who seems to act a lot like the guy I work for, except his screams are way more realistic. Mine screams like a girl. We go to Hill. Eli is helpful in that he says his own prisoner number so that Hill can catch his breath. We go straight to Keller entering the library. Eh? Not only does Hill not drone on, but Keller can read? And Eli can too? Either I need to cut back on the drink or on drinking through a bendy straw, 'cause I'm not believin' what I'm rewindin'. Anyway, Keller puts on his best "I'm gonna git you sucka" voice and says, "Hey." Eli jumps to the ceiling and back down and says he's gotta be somewhere. "No, no, you gotta be here with me," Keller says, with the calmness of a person who's about to teach someone that nobody puts baby in a corner, and proceeds to ask how Eli's daughter's teeth are doing since he raised all the money to have them buffed and shined. Eli eagerly tells him that they're pearls now. Keller's glad. He tells him he's glad he could provide for his daughter before he dies. (Insert pause while doppelganger absorbs. That's okay. We'll wait.) "Jesus, Keller!" Keller holds him in his chair and calmly says in his ear, "You told Tobias Beecher that I killed his kid." "No!" says Eli, "Schillinger made me do it!" Keller basically tells him to get his affairs in order 'cause the smackdown is about to unleash and there's no coming back from it. He rubs Eli's hair.