Episode Report Card Megyn: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shock The Ducky
By Megyn | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 08.22.2000
Cut to Querns in his office, pouring himself a cup of joe. He turns to Ryan, who sits demurely across the desk, and tells him that he is trying to eliminate violence from Emerald City. "And you're doing an amazing job, sir." Querns: "Cut the crap, O'Reily! When Stanislofsky returns, if anything happens to him I hold you responsible." Ryan surmises the situation. "But, Hoyt is the one with the hots for Stanislofsky." Querns doesn't care. "So, in other words, I'm responsible and if anything happens, my ass is grass." Querns confirms this and then tells him to get lost.
Warning: the following paragraph may cause nausea and/or drowsy side effects due to loss of blood flow to the brain and piercing pain behind the eyes. We, uh, cut to the same bathroom Claire took Ryan to after his brawl, where we are treated to Ryan, Claire, and Claire's ass -- which, by the way, is as stunning as her chest -- and we witness the horrifying act of vertical love as Ryan asks her, during the passion of the moment, if she loves him. She does, and that's a duh! He asks her if she loves him enough to do anything for him; I take a call from the red phone in my apartment that I keep under a glass dome, which also works well as a cake plate. It's Toledo, and they're just letting me know they've dispatched the sub-plot and it's heading my way. We've basically established that Claire is now Ryan's go-to heifer.
We trot on over to Ryan's pod, where he stares at his newspaper clipping of Dr. Nathan (in case anyone missed that he's over the moon for this girl). Knock, knock. It's Claire with Cyril, who looks fresh as a daisy from the infirmary. Ryan bear-hugs him. Claire breaks it up with "O'Reily, you know that thing you asked me to look into? Well, it's returning to Emerald City tomorrow." Huh? Hey wait a minute, I think they're talking in some kind of love code! Ryan walks over to the door with his patented wince. Claire tells him that the sitting duck known as Stanislofsky asked Querns to let him take a bath before his return. Ryan says, "You know what to do." They share a meaningful look that only a fox and a hound can share, and off she goes to commence bowing to Ryan's whim. Ryan turns back to Cyril and hugs him again.
Cut to Stanislovsky in the therapy room taking a bubble bath. I guess we aren't supposed to ask where he got the bubbles. Claire shows up and tells the guard she's there to pick up the prisoner. She lumbers in the room. He asks for five more minutes since he's enjoying himself so much. Claire says, "I bet I can help you enjoy yourself even more." God. Please. No. She reaches into the bubbles and gives him a hand. Thankfully, it doesn't take that long, and as he lies back into his tainted bubbles, Claire makes ominous small talk about how quickly he was satisfied, and that a man like Ryan can please a woman and last longer. Way to bring a guy's ego down before you wax him. She gives Stanislofsky a rubber ducky, which she says is a small token of Ryan's affections (since she got a large one earlier), and while his eyes widen at the sight of this unexpected gift which he immediately begins playing with, Claire picks up a hairdryer and drops it into the bubbles. Claire watches him jerk and roll his eyes (for the second time) until he's still, and then rushes out to tell the guard to call a medic because "the Russian guy is dead!"