Episode Report Card Megyn: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shock The Ducky
By Megyn | Season 4 | Episode 7 | Aired on 08.22.2000
We cut to a close-up of Eli in Unit B, over the pool table "Are you listening to me? Keller says he's gonna WHACK me!" Schillinger treats the news with all the concern of a snake slithering by a hit-and-run accident involving a truckload of mice: "Will you get off my back? You're ruining my concentration." He hits the ball and it goes not even close to the pocket. "See what you're doing? You're fucking up my game." Uh, no offense there, Vern, but your suck-ass form might also have something to do with it. Eli tells him if Schillinger doesn't protect him, he's going to the hacks. Schillinger: "Look, I said I'll protect you, I'll protect you, okay? Now, buzz off." Off Eli goes, while viewers everywhere wave goodbye to the dead man and shake their head in unison at the stupidity of threatening Satan. Schillinger says, "I thought the Jews were supposed to be tough." His butt tenant replies, "That's just the Israelis." Yeah, ha ha, not! Schillinger considers this for a nanosecond and gives a half-hearted shrug. "Kill him...I'm gonna take that shot again!" Yeah, well, you'll still suck, Vern.
Cut to Eli in a storage room of some sort. Apparently, bathrooms and storage rooms are never heavily guarded. He's facing a shelf, and in walks Keller with all the stealth of a drunken rhinoceros. "You know, this room isn't really that safe, Eli." "Fuck! Keller...no!" In walks the butt-tenant, whom Keller addresses as...Robson? That's his name? His last name? Oh, sue me, I have no idea. I just know he masturbates on the top bunk while Schillinger sacrifices virgins and goats. Keller: "Robson, this is my kill!" Butt tenant: "Take a walk, Keller." Eli is freaking. "Please don't kill me! Please!" They continue to advance, and Eli starts to gasp the way they taught him in the acting workshop he took in '91 on how to die realistically. He still hasn't gotten his money back. Long and short of it? He falls to the floor dead. The funny part? The two killers look at the other and nonchalantly shrug and say "later" to each other. The delivery was priceless. They exit.
We go to Butt-tenant returning to the hell cell. He walks in and Schillinger asks, "He dead?" BT says, "heart attack." Schillinger snickers, "I told him you gotta watch that red meat."
Cut to Em City. Said is approaching the laundry room. He sees Beecher macking with another inmate and preparing for some taboo backdoor love. Said is shifting into mad parent mode. He makes a disgusted face, stalks in, and breaks up the fun. Beecher doesn't even try to look guilty. Beecher's a bad, bad boy. They break from their clutch. Unknown bad boy leaves while Beecher buckles his pants. Beecher goes to the dryer to take out his clothes. I suddenly remember I haven't done laundry since getting back from Vegas and begin digging for quarters. Damn. I forgot I lost them all between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. when I became possessed by the great spirit of the slot machine. I have a little issue with focusing. Said: "You used to be addicted to alcohol, Beecher. But this obsession is the worst...and the most dangerous." Beecher continues to dig his whites out of the dryer. Said confronts him, "Hey, I'm talking to you." Beecher tells him he likes it when he's rough and wiggles his tongue. When did Tobias become so cheeky? Did I miss an episode? Oh, I get it -- he's so distraught he's promoting his own self-hatred and is therefore spiraling downward into the murky oblivion of sluttitude and quiet laundry-room lovin'? Said regards him with disgust: "You're a slut!" He asks how the sex makes him feel. Better? Beecher says it makes him feel worse. "Then why do it?" "Because at least I'm feeling something. I prefer to be happy but...self-hatred will do in a pinch." Said says to not do that to himself. Why hate himself? Beecher: "Why not? My son is dead because of me, my daughter is screwed up because of me. Keller doesn't love me. But I tried this new detergent and it really seems to get my whites clean!" Jeez! Beecher and McManus should totally hang out. Self-pity. It's flowing. Beecher sluts out of the laundry room. Said just looks sad for his after-school-special friend.