Episode Report Card Sara M: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Matt Is Still Stupid
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.23.2003
Back at the CamPound, Officer Kinkirk is searching the kitchen wastebasket. Why? I have no idea. Of course, he finds Matt's phone number and decides to call it. Matt's cell phone rings at the hospital, and he picks up and says, "Please, God, stop calling me." But it's not God; it's Kevin. Pretty easy mistake to make, though (snerk). Kevin wants to know "what the heck is wrong" with his brother-in-law. And also why he can't manage to turn his own cell phone off: "Shouldn't you be able to use a cell phone before you're allowed to work with patients?" Kevin asks. Burn on you, Matt. Except that Kevin's not exactly at the tippity-top of his chosen profession, either, what with letting Roxanne get "stabbed" when he wasn't paying attention, so he really has no right to talk. Anyway, he called because he's mad at Matt for making his wife cry. Matt says Lucy's always crying, then hangs up on Kevin. Kevin puts the phone number back on the fridge. Then, hopefully, he goes back to his wife and tells her to fight her own battles and stop being such a wimpy baby.
At the main desk, the blonde receptionist pulls out the huge folders containing Mr. McNeil's medical history as medical student Liu is complaining that she did the strep screen that she was so proud of being able to do, but it came out negative, so now she's clueless. Matt suggests asking about mono exposure. Liu thanks him for the advice, because she's so stupid she didn't think of that as an option. Dr. Sterling asks Matt how he's doing; Matt says his patient has a fever and low blood pressure. "Circling the drain!" the receptionist cheerfully calls out. Sterling scolds her lightly. The hell? I get in trouble for saying that an 81-year-old man who just got diagnosed with syphilis is "pretty awesome," and this lady can loudly state, in front of other patients and their families, that Mr. McNeil is about to kick the bucket and nothing happens to her? PC runs in, all upset because her patient just got sedated before she could finish her examination. Yeah, and whose fault is that, you security-calling puritan? Matt calls the sedative "vitamin H," as in "haldol," which causes PC to bitch, yet again, about how Matt works in the lab and has seen all this before, so he's at an advantage. Well, either that or the fact that he's watched one episode of ER, since you can find all these terms and facts there. Dr. Assbeard comes back and orders PC to go back to her patient, who's currently hurling family-friendly insults at the security staff. Dr. Assbeard half-compliments Matt on his blood-drawing skills, at which point Matt half-tries to tell him about his lab experience, until Assbeard gets a phone call, letting Matt off the confession hook.
Matt returns to Mr. McNeil, who's looking pretty bad nowadays, and says that the medical history is too long for him to deal with. Hey, Matt -- suck it up. He wants to ask the patient's family instead. Nurse Debi says that, as the guy came in from a nursing home, his family probably abandoned him there. That's right: if you send a family member to a nursing home, you're not trying to make sure he gets the best medical care; you're abandoning him. Thanks for the tip, 7th Heaven! Now, when my parents get old and start having difficulties living on their own, I'll just leave my children in the arms of a teenager, drop everything, and fly to Arizona to visit them every few weeks. That's much better for everyone. Suddenly, McNeil's blood pressure drops and his fever rises. Debi suggests getting a resident, but Matt says that Dr. Sterling is "swamped" with work. Maybe this hospital needs to start staffing some more doctors and stop letting stupid medical students do work they're entirely unqualified for. Matt tries to listen to McNeil's lungs, but can't hear them because McNeil is lying down. Matt asks Nurse Debi to lift him up. She says she doesn't think that's a good idea when his blood pressure is so low, but does it anyway, even though, as Assbeard said, she is under no obligation to follow his orders if she doesn't want to. Of course, McNeil's heart rate drops and he goes into v-fib. Matt starts freaking out: "What do I do?" Nurse Debi takes control and orders him to get a crash cart while the Dramatic Piano plays.