Episode Report Card Sara M: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Matt Is Still Stupid
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.23.2003
The paramedics wheel in an unresponsive old lady. Matt and PC grab the stretcher and walk with it like the doctor wannabes they are. Sterling orders lab tests whose names I totally recognize and am currently trying to figure out which blood collection tubes to use for each test. For the chemistry panel, a tube with serum separator gel is preferable, although a plain, non-additive tube can also be used. For the CBC, a five-millimeter tube with an EDTA additive must be used. And for the urine toxicology screen, a plain urine collection tube can be used. Please do not use a sterile jar, because those always open up during transit to the lab and then the piss spills all over me and makes me barf. Accompanying the new patient is another old lady, named Marie, who claims to be her friend. She says that the patient just collapsed while they were going for a walk. Then she acts "upset" by standing around with her mouth open. Sterling and the students leave Marie behind and move into a trauma room. We get a close-up shot of the "old" lady, and maybe it's just those bright overheard hospital lights, but she looks way younger than the sixty-five years old they said she was. Dr. Assbeard comes in and asks the students questions about what they should do next, then makes fun of their answers when they're wrong. Dr. Assbeard asks if anyone wants to try intubating the patient; PC volunteers, but then Matt says that he's practiced doing it on a CPR head. And CPR heads, being as they are thin shells of plastic, are a lot like human heads, so Matt must be much more qualified than anyone else. Dr. Assbeard falls for Matt's line and tells him that if the patient needs to be intubated, he'll let Matt do it. Right now, he needs Matt to get a medical history from Marie.
Matt meets Marie out in the hall and asks if the patient has any family. "No, there's just me," says Marie. Hmmm…I'm beginning to suspect that Marie and the patient are a little more than friends. Marie says that she and the patient have been next-door neighbors for forty years, and they "look after" each other. Yeah, if by "next-door neighbors" you mean "next-bed neighbors," and by "look after each other" you mean -- actually, I'm not going to go there. Marie says that they're both widowed and both of their kids "stink." Way to negate what you just said about the patient having no family, there, writers. I mean, "Marie." Matt asks if the patient has had any other medical problems, like heart trouble or "a previous stroke." Marie gets all upset because she assumes by Matt's use of the word "previous" that her friend has had a stroke. Nice one, Matt. Suddenly, Marie gets weak and has to sit down. Matt asks her if she's okay; she says she's diabetic and needs to eat. Dr. Assbeard runs out and asks Matt if he's found out anything. Hey, Assbeard, I thought doctors were supposed to stay with their patients. Marie asks if her "friend" is going to be okay; Assbeard says, with a smile, that since Marie isn't family, he can't tell her anything. Matt "HIPPA what? Patient confidentiality who?" Camden says that, since Marie and the patient are neighbors, he's "sure it would be okay." Assbeard responds that unless Marie's got a power of attorney, it's not. Fortunately for everyone, Marie does, in fact, have a power of attorney in her pocketbook, "on account of [she and her 'friend'] look after each other." Dude, they are so dating. Assbeard pulls Matt aside and scolds him for being nice to Marie instead of getting the patient's medical history. Assbeard claims that it's the nurse's job to do the "handholding," although I'm sure Nurse Debi and a bunch of real-life nurses would tend to disagree. In fact, I can personally vouch for the fact that most nurses would rather eat your hand than hold it. Matt tells him that Marie needs some food because of her diabetes; Assbeard tells him to let the nurses worry about that. Nurse Debi comes out and says that the patients' vitals are dropping. Assbeard and Matt walk back to the room as Marie runs up, waving her little power of attorney form. Give it a rest, Marie. She demands to see her friend; Matt says she will as soon as possible. Then they stare at each other sadly for a few seconds. I guess that was a profound moment or something. This show is so boring that my emotions have become numb. Matt goes back in the room and gets to do his little intubation trick as Marie and Nurse Debi watch from outside.