Episode Report Card Keckler: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Maximum Over(warp)drive
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.08.2002
A sexy computer voice tells them that the analysis of their ship is complete, and requests that they select a payment plan in order to start repairs. Quantum tries several times (he's a slow learner) to talk to the computer, but the computer just keeps repeating its request for them to cough up their gold-pressed latinum. "I don' thank there's anny-won back 'dere," Trip says. Remember those "Where's The Beef?" commercials? In one of them, one of the old dears says that exact same thing. But without the mint julep accent. T'Pol suggests the ultra-obvious when she says that the station could be automated. "Are you saying you can repair all our systems?" Quantum asks the computer. Buddy? They can't hear questions that aren't related to "fifty kopecks down and just twelve easy payments of twenty-nine-ninety-nine over two whole months." A convenient list of payment options pops up. "We can give them either three warp coils, five deuterium injectors, or two hundred litres of warp plasma," Quantum reads. Trip doesn't think they can spare anything other than the plasma. Quantum asks how long the repairs would take, and the computer voice tells him thirty-four-point-two Earth hours. Quantum looks at Trip, who says, "I'm tellin' you, the boys at Jupiter station would take three months." "It's a fair exchange," T'Pol agrees. The computer repeats its command that they fork it over if they want their ship back. Quantum takes for-EVER, looking back and forth at them before FINALLY turning back to the ATM and selecting "Warp Plasma: Two Hundred Liters." "Compensation will be due when the repairs are completed. Your vessel will then disengage immediately. All personnel are required to vacate areas that are undergoing reconstruction," the computer tells them. All the monitors in the chamber get busy with the graphics. T'Pol examines the repair schedule, and Quantum orders her to download it and make the rest of the crew aware of the Big Dig dates. Some giant arms grab at the saucer section. May-waiting-for-God nervously comms Quantum with this information. Quantum assures him that all is well and the Grim Reaper is not outside his door. Yet. The chamber doors slide open, and the computer tells them that the "recreational facility" is there for their enjoyment. The three cautiously walk out to find the Interstellar Wall Drug so they can buy some sterling silver belt buckles with inset turquoise hearts.
In the "recreational facility," Trip sniffs, "If this is their ideer of a 'recreation facility,' you might want to ask fer our plasma back." Shut up, Trip -- you're just annoyed that there's no sign of sex pebbles anywhere. The facility, like the rest of the pod racer, is a sterile white and steel. T'Pol scans a table-top with her tricorder and tells them that it's a "matter energy converter." Trip looks down at it and says, "It could be a transporter." Yeah, for Weeble Wobbles who fly around in Giant Hamster Balls That Go Boom. T'Pol stares at him. "Might be an awfully small one," Trip amends. "Then we know what it would be good for transporting, don't we, Trip?" Mathra guffaws, grading a problem set. "I believe it's a molecular synthesizer of some kind," T'Pol tells them, "similar to a protein resequencer but far more advanced. Water -- cold." A glass of water with an ice cube materializes. That's so cool! It's like those things -- oh, what are they called? -- those things that can replicate stuff like tea that's Earl Grey and hot. T'Pol picks up the glass and drinks, while Trip catches flies with his gaping maw. "That's smart, scientist, drink the clear liquid without test-stripping it," Mathra snaps, deducting points all over the place. T'Pol says she saw a "similar device" on a Tarkalean vessel. Did it make Tarkalean Tea for Dr. Bashir? "It was capable of replicating almost any inanimate object," T'Pol finishes. Including anvils.