Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You Can Take the Man Out of CTU…
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.08.2005
Now that it's just the two of them, ScaryDad tells his wife (played by Academy Award Nominee Shohreh Agdashloo) that he's concerned because he thinks the son is still seeing "this American girl, Debbie." Well, if you're in America, seeing American girls is bound to happen. They exposition that ScaryDad has already forbidden contact with Debbie, but he thinks the kid is seeing her secretly anyhow. Shohreh offers to speak with their son, but ScaryDad snaps, "No. I'll take care of it." That sounds ominous. He flips on the flatscreen TV on the countertop. Shohreh calls the kid down to breakfast. When he says he's on the phone, she orders him to get off and come down. I hope it's not that kind of phone call. Those get expensive. I've heard. The kid comes down and ScaryDad leans on him about Debbie. There's some protesting, but the kid quickly folds. Because ScaryDad is scary. Just then, they're distracted by a news report on the TV about the train derailing. Everyone sits down to breakfast among significant looks and ominous music. ScaryDad mutes the TV and says, "So far, everything is on schedule." Wait, what? He's not only behind the train bombing, he also doesn't care if his family knows it? ScaryDad, I'd just like to say right now that I'm not seeing Debbie either. Shohreh asks ScaryDad if he's spoken to TerrorTurk, and ScaryDad confirms that he has, and that when "Dar" arrives with the "Briefcase," the son will take it to the "warehouse." The son asks why "Dar" doesn't take it himself, and ScaryDad explains that it's "safest" that "Dar" not know where "our people" are "working." Shohreh explains to her son that ScaryDad is Scary because their "job here" is "difficult." ScaryDad softens and tells his son, "What we will accomplish today will change the world. We are fortunate that our family has been chosen to do this. We cannot fail." Damn, it's a whole TerrorFamily. Aaaand back to breakfast. It's 7:14:12.
7:20:10. The TerrorFamily enjoys its TerrorBreakfast, Potato Face wonders how soon she can justify a costume change by spilling something on herself (or, considering what show this is, getting shot), and Driscoll works at her computer. At some warehouse space that's been converted into what look like hip offices for some bleeding-edge software company, a scruffy-looking Lukas Haas is scrolling through black-on-gray text on a pair of monitors. A hot Asian coworker comes in, and Lukas confesses that he's been there all night. She asks what he's working on, and he says he's just stealing some software from Microsoft and Adobe. "You're going to get caught one of these days," she says, not very severely. "Don't tell anyone or I'll have to kill you," he tells her, not realizing that that isn't the joke, which isn't funny anymore anyway, and especially not on this show. I predict he's going to feel really stupid about that comment very soon.
As he turns back to his screen, a window filled with malicious code suddenly pops up on his monitor. You can tell it's malicious code because it's red characters on a black background. Brr! Malicious! "Whoa," Lukas Keanus, and calls over HotAsianCoworker to have a look at it. "Looks like someone's trying to corrupt the internet," she says after the briefest of glances. Umm, okay. But if they do, can't Bush just have us switch over to one of the other ones? ["Or get Al Gore to invent us a fresh one?" -- Sars] Lukas observes that the code isn't propagating yet. It's just being put into place. But it's capable of "tanking every system in the world." Even the ones that aren't on the internet? I'm sorry, I'm just asking. It must be true, though, because that code is really, really, bright red. HotAsianCoworker tells Lukas he has to tell someone. Lukas doesn't want to call the Feds because they'll trace the call to the office and know he was stealing code. HotAsianCoworker suggests a pay phone, and Lukas agrees. So nearly twenty years after Witness, Lukas Haas once again reluctantly observes a crime in progress. You'd think he would have learned to be more careful among the English by now.