In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Kiefer has returned. So has Potato Face. So has Keeler, the new POTUS. But everyone else is new. Kiefer's no longer working at CTU, since he got fired for being an ex-junkie. Now he's got a job where nobody cares about that. Yes, he's a top aide to Secretary of Defense William Devane. And now he's doing something even more dangerous than heroin on company time; he's doing the boss's daughter in secret. Remarkably enough, his new gig puts him in a position to be at CTU on The Morning In Question, where he butts heads with Driscoll, the new CTU boss, just as the agency is dealing with a train bombing/wanted terrorist/potential major internet attack. Kiefer helps nab the terrorist remotely, which apparently reawakens his jones for counter-terrorist activity. Meanwhile, the guy who alerted CTU to the internet threat (who happens to be a hacker friend of Potato Face) is on the run from Very Serious People who are connected to everything. Including this year's main terrorists, who appear to be taking the form of an entire Muslim family. Yeah, I know. Interrogating the suspect he helped arrest is taking too long for Kiefer, so he starts cracking skulls and shattering femurs. Clearly, the show's protagonist is yet again present. He finds out what's going on in time to learn that Devane is the target, but too late to prevent anything. While Kiefer listens helplessly on the phone, heavily armed terrorists swarm over Devane's motorcade and bundle him and his daughter into a van, and it's awesome. This show really does urban paramilitary engagements a lot better than it has any right to. In any case, this Bauer person that Kiefer Sutherland has been playing on this series for several years is once again in the house. If only there were a snappier way to say that. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
For you skeptics who have trouble believing all the stuff that happens in twenty-four hours on this show, take a look at real life, where an entire sixth of a network television season can air in just twenty-six hours. Yes, the poobahs at 24 or at Fox or something decided, hey, let's run the first four episodes in two days. Then, somehow, they heard my head exploding all the way from Minneapolis. And they took pity upon your humble recapper, and arranged to have a DVD of what purports to be the first twenty-four minutes of the season premiere included in my copy of Entertainment Weekly, two weeks in advance. Thanks for the head start, guys. Now, I do realize that there may be some minor differences between what's on the preview DVD and what actually gets aired. The extent to which I do not care is epic.
So I heard there were going to be some big changes on the show this season. Most of the cast is gone, Kiefer's no longer working at CTU, and he's even in a relationship now. Let's sit back and watch the intimate, emotional, living-room drama that this show has no doubt become, shall we? Whoops -- explicit violence warning. So much for that. I wonder how many Arrested Development fans tuned in, saw that, and thought, just for a second, "Awesome!"
A commuter train rolls through the predawn darkness. To the disappointment of many viewers, it does not disappear into a tunnel when Kiefer Sutherland's name flashes on the screen. In the dining car, two men look up nervously as a third man enters the car. A dark-haired man tightens his grip on the briefcase that's already handcuffed to his wrist, while a blond man at a separate table reaches into his inside coat pocket to grasp what looks like a gun butt. The new arrival sits down at yet another table. The other two men relax. Why not just stand up and shout, "We are not couriers transporting something very valuable and/or secret and/or dangerous. By commuter train." Briefcase Man peeks out the window and checks his watch.
Up in the front of the train, the engineer sips his coffee and looks up just in time to spot a pickup truck parked across the tracks. He hits the brakes, but you know it's going to be way too late. It's chaos in the dining car as everyone jerks forward, and Briefcase Man leaps to his feet. The truck must be loaded with explosives, because when the train hits it a mighty blast lights up the night, as well as the masked and helmeted face of a figure on a dirt bike. The biker, who is not NakedMandy, guns his ride to the crash site, where people are screaming, train cars are burning on their sides, and a crippled Briefcase Man is trying to crawl away across the ground. As post-crash scenes go, it's not exactly Lost. NotMandy curiously approaches a woman whose entire lower half is under a train car, but who is still able to beg him for help. Anyhow, NotMandy is more interested in Briefcase Man, whom he shoots once in the chest, and relieves of his burden using a pair of bolt-cutters in his messenger bag. The briefcase goes in the bag and the new Briefcase Man revs his bike off into the sunrise. I don't know about that. Obviously it worked out okay for NotMandy this time, but if you really want to get a particular item off of a moving train that badly, blowing up the whole train seems a little iffy.
And then we're at CTU, which is apparently being used as the set of a shampoo commercial, judging by the looks of the brunette model showing off her kicky, above-the-knee skirt as she walks across the floor. No, wait -- she seems to belong there. Do I call her Bitchelle 2.0? Because Bitchelle was originally Nina 2.0, which would actually make this woman Nina 3.0. Screw it, I'm calling her Special Agent Breck. And guess who's back? None other than Potato Face, who comes up to Special Agent Breck and tells her to drop what she's doing and get on something else. Apparently Potato Face has pissed off somebody in the wardrobe department, because they've put her in this lavender blouse with all the material gathered in the front along a ventral seam. Hey, if you're going to wear the same unattractive clothes all season, why not make them uncomfortable as well? Potato Face expositions that a Turkish terrorist may be in Los Angeles. She pulls up a computer photo of a bald, vaguely Middle-Eastern-looking guy. Special Agent Breck puts two and iki together and mentions that some "chatter" indicated that a terror group out of Ankara was going to strike at 8:00 AM on the East Coast, but it's already after 10:00 there. Potato Face asks what if they got the target wrong and it's on the West Coast? Special Agent Breck obviouses that it'll happen within the hour. Also, it may convince the international anti-terror community to get into the habit of using Greenwich Mean Time or something. Potato Face starts to take the news to whomever is in charge of CTU this hour, who appears to be someone named Driscoll. Special Agent Breck offers to do it for her, but Potato Face tells her to quit trying to be "Driscoll's pet" and flounces off. I guess that when she's wearing that shirt she's got to find other ways to project. Special Agent Breck mildly rolls her eyes as if she's already used to Potato Face's bullshit.
Up in the old Kiefer/Xander/Alberta/Kiefer/Chappelle/Soul Patch/Hammer Kube, Driscoll is on the phone with someone about the train derailing. Apparently the actress playing Driscoll is someone I would recognize if I'd ever watched La Femme Nikita, but I never did. She's got a slight accent, which could mean she's evil, but my cats' veterinarian has the same accent and I'd prefer not to go there. She gestures Potato Face into the office and they exchange information about the train bombing, as well as what we just heard Potato Face discussing with Special Agent Breck. Driscoll puts Potato Face to work on the bombing, the chatter, and TerrorTurk. Potato Face reminds Driscoll of a meeting she has with someone from the Defense Department. Who might that someone be? Why, it's Kiefer. Apparently he's working for the DoD now. Does that make him an undersecretary? Potato Face reminds Driscoll that Kiefer hasn't been back, "well, since you fired him." Potato Face is such a great device for providing awkward exposition, because everything she says is awkward anyway. Handy, that. Driscoll looks ambiguous.
And Kiefer looks sharp, getting dressed up in a suit and tie in a nice hotel room somewhere where it's fully light outside. Although he's got a five-o'clock shadow at 7:06 AM. A half-dressed woman asks if "it's going to be uncomfortable." I think the time to ask that is before the sex, young lady. Oh, she's asking if it's going to be uncomfortable to go back to CTU and see the person who fired him. If she's not uncomfortable putting that white top on over that black bra, she really shouldn't say anything. Kiefer is cool with CTU; he doesn't blame Driscoll for not wanting an ex-heroin junkie on his staff. I don't see Driscoll's objection; he seemed pretty clean the whole second half of last season. Which raises a whole set of other objections on this side of the screen, but let's move on. Kiefer's lady friend asks if he misses his old job, and he says he could have joined other agencies if he still wanted to do fieldwork. You know, the agencies that do hire ex-heroin junkies. Like the Defense Department. But he wanted something different in his life. What, time to eat, sleep, and take a nice long dump once in a while? Nope -- he must mean all the making out they're doing now. They both say how glad they are that he can connect with someone in a way that he never could before. Bride looks down from Heaven and says, "You dick!" They break the clinch as she reminds him that "Secretary Heller" will be in the lobby in five minutes. This raises Kiefer's eyebrows, and she confesses that she called the Secretary "Dad" once at a press conference and resolved to always use his title from then on. As if that never would have come up. So her father is in charge of the DoD? I guess that would make him DaD, and Kiefer's girlfriend is his DoDder.
And going by what Kiefer says , DaD doesn't know what's going on between this particular pair of his employees. Kiefer wants them to tell the Secretary about their relationship before he figures it out on his own. I feel him there. Boning the boss's daughter is tricky at the best of times. But most of them can only fire you; this guy could invade you. DoDder wants to put off breaking the news a while longer, for lame reasons that have to do with DaD still considering her married to someone else despite being separated. All the more reason, Kiefer says, but she misdirects him by telling him she's falling in love with him. Kiefer flinches and looks at the floor. "Look," she continues, "I don't want you to say anything and I don't need you to feel the same way. I just wanted you to know." Jeez, we met this woman three minutes ago and she's already painting a big target on her forehead. Kiefer smiles at her, says he'll see her downstairs, and books. She smiles at the closed door, showing off her Sarah Jessica Parker-esque profile.
Back at CTU, a meeting is just getting started. A handsome black agent named Curtis is facilitating. He's got a projector set up, which blows up in his face and kills him instantly. No, not really. Over his little AV display, Curtis explains about TerrorTurk and the suspicion that he was behind the train derailing. If he was, Curtis says, TerrorTurk is going to want to leave the country quickly. Driscoll points out that this means they might have a chance to nab him, and asks who's covering airport security. Sopranos fans, guess who raises his hand? It's Lispy Skip, Big Pussy's FBI handler from Season Two. He starts to chime in, but Potato Face interrupts him, saying, "As usual, we can't hear you. Also, where's your laptop in case you need to pull data?" Lispy Skip promises to speak up, and claims to have everything memorized. The whole internet? Cool. Anyway, the upshot of the meeting is that they're going to concentrate on the airports to collar TerrorTurk. As the meeting breaks up, Potato Face waylays Driscoll to ask if it's a mistake to assume TerrorTurk is leaving the country, since the time on the intel and the time of the bombing don't quite match. Potato Face gets told for the first time this season to just do what she's asked. Oh, Potato Face, how I've missed you. But, as they say, my aim is getting better.
7:10:34. TerrorTurk is indeed somewhere in town -- a couple of blocks from a mosque, incidentally, so we can get started nice and early on being offended on behalf of the religion of Islam -- but he doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry. He strolls along the sidewalk, talking to somebody on a cell phone. He assures the caller that "Dar" is "on his way" to "you" now with "the Briefcase." "What about Maurice?" TerrorTurk continues. The voice says, "He is waiting for you. He has everything you need." We see the man on the other end as he disconnects the call. It's Nestor Serrano, that dead-eyed dude who is always playing different kinds of nogoodniks on various iterations of Law & Order. Except now he's doing a sort of indeterminate Middle Eastern accent, which seems to consist largely of sucking his voice down as low as it will go. He's standing in a nice suburban house, watching as his wife makes breakfast and his teenage son drinks orange juice straight from the carton. I wouldn't do that where that guy can see me. He creeps me out. The son bops upstairs, with a promise to be back in time for breakfast.
Now that it's just the two of them, ScaryDad tells his wife (played by Academy Award Nominee Shohreh Agdashloo) that he's concerned because he thinks the son is still seeing "this American girl, Debbie." Well, if you're in America, seeing American girls is bound to happen. They exposition that ScaryDad has already forbidden contact with Debbie, but he thinks the kid is seeing her secretly anyhow. Shohreh offers to speak with their son, but ScaryDad snaps, "No. I'll take care of it." That sounds ominous. He flips on the flatscreen TV on the countertop. Shohreh calls the kid down to breakfast. When he says he's on the phone, she orders him to get off and come down. I hope it's not that kind of phone call. Those get expensive. I've heard. The kid comes down and ScaryDad leans on him about Debbie. There's some protesting, but the kid quickly folds. Because ScaryDad is scary. Just then, they're distracted by a news report on the TV about the train derailing. Everyone sits down to breakfast among significant looks and ominous music. ScaryDad mutes the TV and says, "So far, everything is on schedule." Wait, what? He's not only behind the train bombing, he also doesn't care if his family knows it? ScaryDad, I'd just like to say right now that I'm not seeing Debbie either. Shohreh asks ScaryDad if he's spoken to TerrorTurk, and ScaryDad confirms that he has, and that when "Dar" arrives with the "Briefcase," the son will take it to the "warehouse." The son asks why "Dar" doesn't take it himself, and ScaryDad explains that it's "safest" that "Dar" not know where "our people" are "working." Shohreh explains to her son that ScaryDad is Scary because their "job here" is "difficult." ScaryDad softens and tells his son, "What we will accomplish today will change the world. We are fortunate that our family has been chosen to do this. We cannot fail." Damn, it's a whole TerrorFamily. Aaaand back to breakfast. It's 7:14:12.
7:20:10. The TerrorFamily enjoys its TerrorBreakfast, Potato Face wonders how soon she can justify a costume change by spilling something on herself (or, considering what show this is, getting shot), and Driscoll works at her computer. At some warehouse space that's been converted into what look like hip offices for some bleeding-edge software company, a scruffy-looking Lukas Haas is scrolling through black-on-gray text on a pair of monitors. A hot Asian coworker comes in, and Lukas confesses that he's been there all night. She asks what he's working on, and he says he's just stealing some software from Microsoft and Adobe. "You're going to get caught one of these days," she says, not very severely. "Don't tell anyone or I'll have to kill you," he tells her, not realizing that that isn't the joke, which isn't funny anymore anyway, and especially not on this show. I predict he's going to feel really stupid about that comment very soon.
As he turns back to his screen, a window filled with malicious code suddenly pops up on his monitor. You can tell it's malicious code because it's red characters on a black background. Brr! Malicious! "Whoa," Lukas Keanus, and calls over HotAsianCoworker to have a look at it. "Looks like someone's trying to corrupt the internet," she says after the briefest of glances. Umm, okay. But if they do, can't Bush just have us switch over to one of the other ones? ["Or get Al Gore to invent us a fresh one?" -- Sars] Lukas observes that the code isn't propagating yet. It's just being put into place. But it's capable of "tanking every system in the world." Even the ones that aren't on the internet? I'm sorry, I'm just asking. It must be true, though, because that code is really, really, bright red. HotAsianCoworker tells Lukas he has to tell someone. Lukas doesn't want to call the Feds because they'll trace the call to the office and know he was stealing code. HotAsianCoworker suggests a pay phone, and Lukas agrees. So nearly twenty years after Witness, Lukas Haas once again reluctantly observes a crime in progress. You'd think he would have learned to be more careful among the English by now.
7:22:11. A stretch limo pulls up to a hotel entrance. DoDder comes out of the hotel, followed by Kiefer and the Secretary of Defense, played by William Devane. DaD is on his cell phone about the train bombing, getting confirmation that thirty-two are dead -- including, presumably, the half-squished woman -- and that they're thinking it was an act of terrorism. DaD tells Kiefer that when he gets to CTU, he should "get all the details and call me." I'm like, "Yeah, right, they'll just hand all of that over," and then I remember who Kiefer is talking to. Kiefer agrees. DaD then tells Kiefer and DoDder both that the meeting with "Richard" is to stay just between them. Then he shifts gears, saying to DoDder, "I tried to get a hold of you last night. Where were you?" DoDder doesn't say she was under his undersecretary. "I had dinner with a friend," she dissembles. "Anyone I know?" DaD asks pleasantly. DoDder lies that it wasn't. DaD smirks Devanely at her, then at Kiefer, and ducks into the limo. The Secretary of Defense couldn't get a hold of a top aide and it's not that big a deal? What if he'd wanted to start a war or something? I've seen public radio hosts get a lot more upset over less. Okay, just the one. Kiefer tells DoDder he'll call her from CTU, and she joins her dad in the car. Kiefer hops into his rented Kiefmobile, a late-model sedan. How the mighty have fallen.
CTU. Lispy Skip rings Potato Face's extension, which gives her an excuse to be snippy with him some more and exposition at the same time that he's been at CTU for over a month. Lispy Skip tells Potato Face he's transferring a call from a friend of hers. This friend turns out to be Lukas, whom Potato Face tells she can't take personal calls at work. He tells her it's not personal; he found something on the Net he thinks she should know about. This is his idea of an anonymous tip? Calling a friend and telling her who he is? How has he not gotten pinched yet? Idiot. Potato Face figures out that the code he found is something he wouldn't have even seen if he hadn't been pirating software, but Witless would rather talk about the fact that it looks like somebody is trying to set up a major internet attack, and that parts of the code weren't in English. "It looked Middle-Eastern," Witless says. "Arabic or Turkish, maybe?"
Meanwhile, across the floor, Special Agent Breck and Curtis are showing Driscoll that they've found a connection between TerrorTurk and a guy named "Maurice" who runs a dry cleaning place in Studio City -- a business owned by a holding company based in Ankara. Driscoll tells them to send someone named "Ronnie" over there, and they hop to. But not before is Curtis is tragically felled by a sudden, fatal bout of amebic dysentery. Potato Face comes up to tell Driscoll about the call from Witless (making sure to drop his name in there, like, the only thing he does worse than make anonymous calls is pick discreet friends) and about the internet virus, which she has in the last thirty seconds figured out was launched from a server in Turkey. Potato Face offers to get to work on it, but Driscoll tells her to concentrate on TerrorTurk and the train bombing and leave the virus to the FBI. Potato Face makes a julienne face. She looks weirdly tan this season. She's Baked Potato Face now.
Aaand Kiefer's in the house. He enters CTU at 7:24:59, just two minutes after getting into his car at the hotel. The only way he could have arrived that quickly is if that car had an ejector seat. Which is something I would have liked to see. He wanders right onto the floor by himself, adjusting his visitor's badge and staring up at his old kube. He stands in the middle of the room, pivoting around and staring up, looking like some hick from Yokel Falls, Idaho rather than a guy who knows a dozen different ways to kill you with a towel. Special Agent Breck steps up to him, and Kiefer snaps out of it long enough to mention that he has an appointment with Driscoll. Potato Face joins the twosome and introduces them. Special Agent Breck smiles and backs off. Kiefer does a great job of pretending to be happy to see Potato Face. She asks after Spawn and Special Agent Charlie Brown. "They just got a house in Valencia," Kiefer says. "Spawn's taking care of Tater Tot and Special Agent Charlie Brown is working for a private security company." Yeah, if Special Agent Charlie Brown were working for me I'd keep it private too. Also: Spawn's best line ever turned out to be bullshit. Stupid Spawn. "That's interesting," Potato Face lies, and dashes off to "set up a protocol." Kiefer chuckles to himself, thinking back to the days when he had to deal with that socially retarded mutant every day, often for twenty-four hours at a time.
Curtis appears out of nowhere to greet Kiefer -- the two men seem to know each other -- and warn him that his meeting with Driscoll is probably going to get cut short. Kiefer assumes Curtis means the train bombing. "Among other things," Curtis says. Oh, that's discreet. Actually, I shouldn't be too hard on him. I'm sure he'll die before he ever compromises security. Curtis stops a guy leading a team out of the office and introduces him to Kiefer as the guy who does Kiefer's job now. Kiefer 2.0 is dark-haired, cop-eyed, and kind of disreputable-looking, in a way they probably wished they could have made Kiefer look a few times in past seasons. Kiefer asks how it's going, and Kiefer 2.0 sort of blows him off as he heads out. Kiefer turns back to Curtis and offers to reschedule the meeting, but Curtis assures him that Driscoll will be free in a few minutes. He even leads Kiefer an empty workstation to make whatever calls he needs. I'm sure that's not a security breach at all. Sadly, a disk flies out of the CD-ROM drive, decapitating Curtis instantly. Kiefer sits down and looks up at Driscoll through the glass wall of his old KieferKube.
DaD and DoDder are tooling along in the back of their very long limo. As they sit side by side, I take a moment to marvel at how remarkable their family resemblance isn't. Seriously, DoDder's got this high forehead, aquiline nose, and aristocratic chin (I haven't known her long enough to use the word "equine" yet), while Devane has a face like this: ><. Anyway, they're discussing DoDder's brother, the aforementioned Richard (DiCK for short), who is apparently planning to go to a protest at Lockheed that will embarrass DaD and the President. I guess they're on their way to try to talk DiCK out of it, although DoDder is supposed to stay in the car. DoDder thinks DiCK is just rebelling against DaD, or she's just using her brother's poor behavior as an opportunity to suck up. Not that I would ever do that to my sisters. I think it's interesting that they're making references to countries and corporations that actually exist this season. We'll see how long that lasts. Me being interested, I mean.
DoDder's cell phone rings; it's the President, wanting to talk to DaD. DoDder hands the phone over. Well, no wonder DaD couldn't get a hold of her last night; she carries his phone. He was probably wandering around his hotel suite, calling her name into the stereo speakers. There's the standard "please hold for the President" business, and then DaD is on the line with President Keeler, who is at cruising altitude on board Air Force One. Show-off. I'd like to propose a Constitutional Amendment stating that presidents who blackmail their way into office have to fly coach. Keeler's calling DaD because he wants to raise the terror alert level in the wake of the train bombing, and also in response to the chatter about TerrorTurk. I don't remember Keeler's hair being this dark last season, but on the other hand I'm not about to go back and look. DaD wants to wait to hear from the NTSB on the train bombing before doing anything drastic like changing a meaningless, imaginary alert level that nobody understands or pays attention to anyway. Keeler promises to take DaD's advice into consideration during his upcoming meeting with the Secretary of State and the FBI Director. Ooh, decisive. On the other hand, maybe if Palmer had talked to his advisers a little more, he'd still be president. And speaking of Palmer, it's nice to see that his loyalty to Kiefer was so deeply appreciated that Kiefer took a job in the administration of Palmer's electoral opponent.
Kiefer enters Driscoll's office and they greet each other civilly, if not warmly. Kiefer apologizes for DaD not being there himself, and Driscoll apologizes for all the activity around the office, but they agree to get right down to business. And what is this meeting about? Well, it seems that since the Defense Department has budgetary authority over CTU, Driscoll's basically asking for more money. Kiefer tells her to justify it. She tries. He's not impressed. As arguments over government budgets on televised dramas go, it's not exactly The West Wing. The particulars aren't as important as the obvious theme that both of them have their dicks out and the entire office is interlaced with sparkling arcs of flying urine. As much as Kiefer claims not to resent Driscoll, he seems to enjoy making her scramble for the purse strings.
Their meeting is interrupted by the news that Kiefer 2.0 is almost at the dry cleaners. So now we know that CTU is within ten minutes of Studio City. Which in 24-time is about an hour. Oh, did I not mention that one of my ongoing projects this year will be to figure out exactly where CTU is? Wish me luck, unless it means they end up coming after me for getting too close. Anyway, Driscoll excuses herself, and moves to the other side of the office to watch Kiefer 2.0's operation on a monitor. Kiefer looks unhappy at his little revenge session being interrupted.
Kiefer 2.0 arrives at the dry cleaners, and positions his team members outside the other entrances. He goes in the front door himself. No one's at the counter. He places what looks like a cell phone on the counter, and presses a button. Instantly, two views of the inside of the cleaners appear on Driscoll's monitors, neither of them blocked by Kiefer 2.0, even though the blocking in the cleaners shows that he's clearly in the shot. CTU technology gets more amazing every season. Kiefer 2.0 calls out, and the aforementioned "Maurice" – TerrorCleaner -- appears behind the counter. Kiefer 2.0 immediately identifies himself as a CTU agent (then why the hidden camera?) and asks TerrorCleaner what he knows about TerrorTurk, but TerrorCleaner is acting all innocent and offended. "He's hiding something," say Kiefer and my three-month-old son simultaneously. Driscoll doesn't appreciate Kiefer's backseat driving, but even though he has no idea who the subject of the questioning is or what is going on, he leans on her until she speaks into a communicator linked to Kiefer 2.0's hidden earpiece. She tells him to turn his back on TerrorCleaner. Kiefer 2.0 does. Kiefer and Driscoll watch the monitor as TerrorCleaner, thinking he's unobserved, cuts his eyes to his right. Kiefer moves in to Driscoll and takes over her keyboard (rude much?), rewinding the footage of TerrorCleaner and replaying the glance. We saw it the first time, Kiefer. He still has to spell it out for everyone else, though, telling Driscoll to tell Kiefer 2.0 to look to TerrorCleaner's right. Kiefer 2.0 asks to look behind a counter in that part of the store, and TerrorCleaner refuses, ordering Kiefer 2.0 to leave. Kiefer 2.0 refuses, and that's when TerrorTurk breaks cover and dashes for the back door. Kiefer 2.0 calls down his minions, and TerrorTurk is handily nabbed. "Great job," Driscoll tells Kiefer 2.0. Indeed. If I heard about a terrorist act that resulted in an arrest a half hour later, I'd be really impressed. Or I'd think the person being arrested was incredibly stupid. Kiefer turns away from Driscoll's monitor, making his "all in an hour's work for Jack Bauer" face, then remembers himself and chuckles ruefully at the rush he just got from that tiny taste of his old job. Or maybe he's imagining how long he would have put up with being micromanaged the way he and Driscoll just did to Kiefer 2.0. I think there are objects that last longer than that that only exist in supercolliders. End of preview. It's 7:33:04. That was more than twenty-four minutes, but I am so not complaining.
It's a week later for me, but only 7:39:03 on the show. Witless heads back to the office with newspaper and coffees, TerrorDad watches his handiwork on the news, and Kiefer tries to get back into the mindset of a faceless government budget wonk. DaD's motorcade arrives in a suburban neighborhood whose ill-kept lawns are probably meant to represent a bad neighborhood, like Chino. Attended by a Secret Service agent, DaD gets out of the limo and walks up to the door, which is standing open. So maybe this isn't such a bad neighborhood after all. DaD sticks his head in and calls for DiCK, who I'd like to mention bears a much stronger resemblance to DaD in terms of the shape of his face, at least, but who is also catastrophically grooming-challenged. Which happens. Especially, as my dad can testify, when your son is in a rebellious stage and also kind of a pinko. I'd like to say that if DiCK is one of those "no blood for oil" types, he should really stop presenting himself to his father as such a target-rich environment.
DoDder's out waiting in the limo when Kiefer, still in Driscoll's office, calls her on her cell phone to let her know that their train-bombing suspect has been picked up. DoDder's like, "Wow, that's almost interesting," and they are about to ring off until Kiefer manages to screw up the courage to tell DoDder that he's falling in love with her as well. Way to highlight that target on her forehead, Kiefer. It's now visible from space. Kiefer's got to get back to his meeting, and they end the call grinning like a couple of middle-schoolers who just exchanged notes with all the right boxes checked off. As Driscoll returns to her office, Kiefer asks what's up with the suspect, and she reminds him that it's not his problem.
DiCK peers between the slats of his window shades at DaD's motorcade. "How many cars do you need to get places?" he sneers. DaD doesn't want to argue about the environment, because he's got something else to argue about: namely, his desire that DiCK not "attend or speak at" the protest at Lockheed. DiCK backstories that DaD doesn't have any leverage over him since DiCK stopped taking his money. DaD complains that DiCK will embarrass the president and endanger national security. What ensues is an argument that you can see on just about any political blog, with people on opposite ends of the spectrum talking past each other in soundbites. But then it gets personal again when DiCK blatantly sparks up a doobie and DaD smacks it out of his hand, barking, "Do not disrespect me. I am your father." DiCK stares at DaD through his greasy bangs. Devane gives a courageous performance here; even though the scenery looks pretty nasty he scarfs it right down.
Witless returns to his bleeding-edge software company office at 7:44:05. It's pretty quiet there as he drops his messenger bag on the floor, except for the guy slapping and interrogating HotAsianCoworker. Witless watches a few seconds of this from a hiding place around a corner as HotAsianCoworker gives up his name as if it's burning her. Which, to be fair, I guess it sort of is now. Witless ducks down to retrieve his bag and bail, which is when he notices several Not Hot, Asian, Or Indeed Even Alive Any More Coworkers littering the floor, blood leaking out of various bullet holes. It's all very Three Days of the Condor, except that we didn't get to see the place getting shot up, because that would have been cool. Witless, hero that he is, doesn't even slow down on his way to the exit as HotAsianCoworker takes a silenced bullet to the heart. His departure isn't exactly stealthy, and two gunmen are closing in on him fast as he gets outside and scrambles to get his bicycle unlocked. In his best move yet, he gets on his bike and darts across the path of an oncoming semi. When the bad guys come out of the building, they've already lost him in traffic. They don't shrug and say "oh, well," though.
At 7:46:55, Kiefer and Driscoll walk through CTU as she offers him the use of one of their workstations so he can look over budget spreadsheets. I hope that scene falls during a commercial break. It just so happens that a handcuffed TerrorTurk is being brought in, and it further just so happens that Kiefer recognizes him as a bomber they were tracking under a different name back in the '90s. Driscoll apologizes for her earlier abruptness and thanks Kiefer for his help with the arrest before she breezes off. Kiefer makes his thinking face for a few seconds, then catches up with Driscoll to tell her that TerrorTurk is too big a wig in the terror industry to have risked himself over a train bombing. Driscoll assures Kiefer that she'll take that into consideration, and breezes off again. She's quite the breezer, this woman. Kiefer stomps over to Potato Face's desk to ask her if there's anything that indicates TerrorTurk was up to something besides the train bombing. Potato Face answers in the negative, but mentions the intel about the supposed attack at 8:00. Kiefer's surprised that it had a specific time rather than a window, and Potato Face tells him that Driscoll thought it was close enough. Kiefer comes around Potato Face's desk and leans in over her keyboard as he railroads her into logging him into Interpol. He pulls up the original intel source, and the time and the phrase "unless target deviates" (which trains don't do, he notes -- my word, the things they teach you in Secret Agent School) makes Kiefer more convinced than ever that TerrorTurk is up to something big -- something that's going down at 8:00. "That's ten minutes from now," Potato Face says. The close-up on Kiefer's pensive face is replaced by the clock digits displaying 07:50:15. When Potato Face is right, she's right.
7:54:13. Driscoll watches TerrorTurk's interrorgation on a monitor, Kiefer wonders if maybe he shouldn't have spent four of the last ten minutes leading up to a major terror attack just standing there and thinking, and the TerrorFamily digests TerrorBreakfast. DoDder is still in the back of DaD's limo, but now she's on her cell phone telling her husband that she wants to go ahead with the divorce. Soon-to-be ex-husband sounds confused, but that's only because he hasn't met Kiefer yet. Speaking of that gentleman, he's ringing DoDder's other line, and she picks it up. Kiefer insists that she go interrupt DaD's meeting with DiCK so he can get clearance for Kiefer to get in on the interrogation of TerrorTurk. DoDder reluctantly gets out of the car to give the phone to DaD.
Who appears to be at something of a stalemate with DiCK. DiCK breaks the awkward silence by telling his DaD that he's going to speak at the rally, not because he hates his father, but because it's something he believes in. DaD tells DiCK that the rally organizers are only using him because he's DaD's son. Not for his spine-melting charisma? "Well, I wish I weren't," DiCK says. Ow. As father-son blowouts go, it's not exactly Everwood. This is when DoDder makes her entrance and hands DaD the phone. "What could be more important than intimidating me?" DiCK bitches as DaD excuses himself to go outside to take Kiefer's call. DoDder and DiCK disagree briefly over DiCK's plans. No surprises there.
Out on the "lawn," DaD is telling Kiefer that he's on his own as far as dealing with Driscoll and CTU, because DaD doesn't want to face the political fallout if it doesn't pay off. I'm thinking a little political fallout won't sound too bad to him in about five minutes, but you know what they say about hindsight. DoDder comes out of the house with yet another phone (DiCK might ask him, "How many phones do you need to talk to people?"), this one with POTUS on the other end. DaD hangs up on a frustrated Kiefer. It's 7:56:54. Kiefer checks his watch, sets his jaw, and starts striding across the floor. Potato Face takes note of his determined progress and looks like she's seriously considering diving for the fire alarm.
Driscoll is still watching Kiefer 2.0 question TerrorTurk. Kiefer 2.0 wallows in his 2.0-ness, mildly asking TerrorTurk, "Who are you working with?" No, no, no, that's all wrong. "Why did you bomb that train?" he demands with more volume than gusto, giving TerrorTurk's chair a half-hearted shake. TerrorTurk isn't any more impressed than I am. Kiefer 2.0 steps out to the observation room and asks Driscoll, "How far can I push this guy?" Hopefully farther than that, because the way he's running this interrogation I wouldn't confess to low tire pressure. Driscoll wonders if maybe they should bring in Johnson. You know what Johnson does. Johnson has a whole thread in the forums named after him, you know.
In the hallway to the interrogation room, Kiefer is stopped by a security guard. The CTU guards are dressed differently this season, with maroon uniform blouses. Literally making them redshirts? That's not even nice. Anyway, this redshirt tries to put a hand on Kiefer's chest, which is always a mistake, and in under three seconds the poor bastard is flat on the ground, unconscious, with his gun and keycard in Kiefer's possession. Kiefer swipes the card and punches in a code that apparently hasn't been changed since he worked there, like, nice security, CTU, and then he's in the interrogation room with TerrorTurk, waving the guard's gun around and screaming questions. Driscoll and Kiefer 2.0 freak out and try to get in, but Kiefer punches in the right combination of numbers to jam the entry code. He still remembers it because if you look at the display upside-down it says "BOOBS." Driscoll orders Special Agent Breck to call security. Yes, by all means, bring Kiefer a fresh source of guns. Kiefer does his patented table-flinging move, and TerrorTurk doesn't look entirely unengaged by the second act of this particular performance of "Good Cop, Fucking Bugnuts Psycho Apeman Cop." Driscoll is ordering Kiefer to holster his weapon. Kiefer, rather than explaining that he doesn't have a holster, elects instead to put a round in TerrorTurk's left thigh. It's a very nice effect as a cloud of blood and GSR springs into the light above TerrorTurk's lap. TerrorTurk screams. Wuss. Driscoll stares in shock for about a second before ordering Special Agent Breck to call medical. Then Driscoll is warning Kiefer that she'll have him shot if she has to, but Kiefer is already moving around behind TerrorTurk and pressing the muzzle against TerrorTurk's right thigh. "What is your primary objective?" Kiefer demands, and the shortest interrogation in history comes to an end as TerrorTurk bellows, "Secretary of Defense!" Uh-oh. Driscoll orders Special Agent Breck to call the Secret Service. Her dialing finger must be smoking by now.
7:58:14. DaD, still on the phone, tells DoDder that POTUS wants them back in D.C. tonight. It's hard to hold someone's hand from three time zones away, you see. They talk about which meetings they can reschedule while DoDder's other phone starts ringing. It's Kiefer, of course, yelling into the phone for her to get out of there now. "The bombing was diversionary. Your father was the real target," he tells her urgently. DoDder lowers the phone in shock and says, "Oh my God," and the "-d" is barely out of her mouth when a rocket-powered grenade streaks down the street behind her and hits the lead motorcade car, sending its burning carcass into the air. I love it when they put the stars in the same shot as the heavy ordnance. DaD pulls DoDder down into a crouch on the driveway while the Secret Service guy tries to figure out where the hostile fire is coming from. Sadly for him, it's coming from everywhere. Everything happens very fast: masked men with machine guns appear out of a quick-moving florist truck and also out of the neighbors' bushes, taking down DaD's Secret Service detail one by one. DiCK watches it all in horror through his window. More masked men show up to grab DaD and DoDder, and her cell phone clatters on the sidewalk. Kiefer listens helplessly back at CTU. Another bad guy is walking briskly along the street, coldly dispatching prone Secret Service agents as he passes them. DaD and DoDder are bundled into a brown van, which speeds off. The rest of the bad guys follow in the florist truck. Really exciting, well-done scene. I might even argue that this kind of thing is fast becoming what the show does best.
And in the end-of-episode split screen, Witless rides his bike and looks scared, TerrorMom peers around a corner in her house, and TerrorDad takes delivery of the "Briefcase" and wraps the de-helmeted Couldn'tPossiblyBeMoreNotMandy in a creepy embrace.
The brown van speeds down the street. Inside, DaD is already bound, gagged, and blindfolded. DoDder is only bound and gagged, and an extra-large blindfold is needed to cover her panic-widened eyes. It's 8:00.
on 24: Oh, like you haven't already watched it.