Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Eli's no poet. He doesn't know it.
By Heathen | Season 2 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.13.2000
Having consulted the parental rulebook, Rick decides that Rule #1 after a crisis with his son is to sit outside and eat nuts with his girlfriend. Wow, that sounded kinky -- really, they're just pistachios. He's perched on a fountain, and Lily runs up with a bag of cookies to share on her half-hour break. ABC is desperately trying to prove that Sela Ward, like Oprah, is Every Woman. She eats pizza! She eats cookies! So what if she's a size zero! Note to ABC: Put her metabolism in pill form, or leave it alone. Lily wants to hear about the band, curious if it's "okay to bring the girls to hear him play...or would that be weird?" Rick contends that maybe, just maybe, Eli won't play. "He should get college applications in before he devotes all time to the band," Rick insists. Lily is startled and gnaws on a cookie. An extra sits below the camera, ready with the spit bucket. Then, Lily grabs Hypocrisy by the shoulders and gives it a big, wet, sloppy smooch. "I just feel that any kind of creative expression is really a good thing," she says, polishing her halo and knocking out the dents it got last week when, in fact, she spat all over Judy's choice of creative expression, which was in the form of Booklovers. Rick snaps at her, and then Lily's phone rings to cut the tension. It's Candice Bergen asking for her spokesmodel gig back. "Not a chance. Go to MCI Friends and Family, baby," sneers Sela, hanging up. Phone rings again. It's Crusty. Apparently, she's insisting that Lily come back and resume doing Crusty's bidding, because Lily bangs her forehead on Rick's shoulder and makes wild gestures. She and Rick patch things up and kiss before she has to leave.
Mrs. Geddes, the college counselor, is in her office with Rick and Karen. "He applied himself this summer," Karen says, adding her hope that the scores will reflect that. Mrs. Geddes, ever the optimist, suggests that many colleges only look at ACT scores, so Eli could always explore those. Instead of slapping her for showing no faith in Eli, Karen just nods mildly and I nod off. "He'll be here any minute," Rick breathes sadly, staring out Mrs. Geddes's open door.
The movie Unbreakable looks quite good. As long as M. Night Shamyalan writes movies, Bruce Willis will have an acting career. Wait a second...in that case, maybe someone should stop M. Night immediately.
Rick storms down to the basement and viciously unplugs the amp, kicking everyone out and ordering Eli to shut up. "I'm not going to let you push me around anymore! I don't care!" Eli shouts. Rick swears he's not trying to push, but Eli contends that everyone's acting crazed. "You purposely disobeyed your mother and me," Rick notes angrily. Eli admits that he skipped the meeting with Mrs. Geddes on purpose, probably because she's such a charmer. "What the HELL is going on, Eli?" growls Rick. "If you don't care about your future, why should we?" Eli stands alone, facing the wall. He has a secret. It's a bombshell, a whopper of a tidbit. No one saw this coming, not even Dionne Warwick's people. "I think I did worse on the SAT," Eli chokes. Put that one away in the "No shit, Sherlock" file.