Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Importance Of Being A Deranged Serial Killer
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.11.2003
We cut over to P3 just as the health inspector stamps a big, red "CONDEMNED" categorization onto his report. So, the city's going to tear down the building because the toilets are backing up? Okay, then. Piper wails in frustration as the Dolt attempts to bargain with the guy, reminding him that through its four years of operation, P3's never once failed an inspection. Piper vows to have the plumbing fixed within twenty-four hours, and pleads with the inspector to return the following afternoon before submitting his final recommendations to the licensing board. The inspector's about to acquiesce when an enormous grey rat scuttles across the toe of his shoe. Game over. The inspector suggests that they shutter the club for a month and schedule another inspection after professional exterminators eliminate the rodents. Piper whines that she'll be out of business in a month, but her protestations fall on deaf ears. The Dolt ushers the inspector out the door while Piper bats at the offending vermin with a broom. Eventually, she flicks out a Hand Of Discontent, but the resulting explosion vanquishes only the lower half of a barstool. "What are you doing?" bleats the Dolt. "Reducing the rodent population," sneers Piper. Soothing noises emanate from the Dolt as he leads Piper to a seat on the stairs for a chat. "It's just bad luck," he insists. "It is more than bad luck," Piper counters. "It's sabotage! It's demonic!" Ding! Piper fortuitously puzzles out a connection between Raige's accident, Phoebe's lawsuit, and her own dilemma, guessing that some as-yet-unknown force is behind it all. The Dolt's confused. Shocking, I realize. "Why?" he asks. "Because I said so," Piper snaps, hauling her bloated self to her swollen feet and dragging the Dolt upstairs towards the door. The camera pans past the Dolt's vanishing workboots to a pair of frisky rodents, who presently glow red and flare up into a couple of leather-clad twentysomething white boys. It's the demonic rats! Hooray! Demonic rats! Demonic rats! Demonic -- oops. Sorry. Didn't mean for the crushing boredom to become that obvious. "She missed me by that much," Ratboy One announces, pinching his thumb and index finger together. Ratboy Two raises a brow all, "Dude. Sucks to be you." The Ratboys blink out one by one, never to be seen again. Come back, demonic rats! Come back! Dammit.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. A uniformed officer backs Raige against one of those cop height charts while Darryl ruefully averts his gaze. He's probably upset that Raige chose to accessorize her tasteful black scoop-necked top with the filmy, shredded remnants of a chartreuse shroud. Lord knows I am. Upset, that is. Not chartreuse. For those of you consumed by Charmed trivia, I should note the height chart indicates that Raige is five feet six inches tall. For the rest of you, I should note that the filmy chartreuse remnants seem to have a will of their own. The bits collected on Raige's left side migrate frequently between her shoulder and her breast throughout the following scene. Darryl sends the uniform in search of some film for Raige's mug shots so that his wispy goatee can engage in a private round of urgent whispering with the alleged felon. Raige hisses that she's innocent, that something demonic must be afoot, and that Darryl should therefore make the charges against her disappear. Darryl can't do that. Because he's now a lieutenant, his actions are subject to more rigorous levels of scrutiny from his superiors. Just go with it. Also, Darryl stammers with atrocious grammar, "This is legal problems. I-I-I-I can't just make those go away." Shave, moron, while I remind the audience of the time you hid a corpse, the time you swiped damning evidence from a crime scene, and the time you lied about the mysterious, mid-investigation disappearance of a colleague. And those are just the three examples that popped into my head right away. Can't make legal problems go away? My ass you can't make legal problems go away. Raige fortuitously puzzles out a connection between Phoebe's lawsuit, Piper's dilemma, and her own accident as the flatfoot returns with film for the camera. Raige grimaces miserably as the shutter snaps, but she still ends up with an absolutely stunning mug shot. Choke on that, Nolte.